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Trust me, not? (part 6)

by LadyMysterio

He laughed and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened, no sound, nothing. She grabbed his neck with one hand and pried his gun from his hand with her other. "You didn't think I would be that easy to kill did you,”

He clawed at her hand around his neck, she wasn't choking him, but it was enough of a grip to keep him there.

He relaxed. “Well then if we're gonna wait for the Crow to get here, you might as well tell me how you stopped my fully loaded gun from firing"

"Plot twist the good girl isn’t dumb, this isn’t a movie ”

A shadow full of over them, Lysandra stood up, “He's all yours.”

“Clever trick pulling the safety switch,” Crow commented as two burly men dragged Agent Lycron away, kicking with his good leg.

"I'm aware Eden alerted you, but you never saw that part?'

He handed her the gun he'd been examining, “This is his gun, isn't it? "

She saw the safety switch on.

The Crow continued, “I knew he was the mole, But I knew you could bring him down, and an excellent job you did.”

She looked at the picture of Theron on her phone,

Imagine changing your identity, and part of your appearance just to get revenge.

Still, it was hard, they had been friends, and even though he had tricked her, it was still going to be hard to get over.

Later that afternoon, she placed the gun on a small shelf, it looks out of place surrounded by daggers. Every one of those knives signified a victory a battle won, but this gun was a reminder of trust broken, a battle won, but a friend lost.

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620 Reviews

Points: 11675
Reviews: 620

Sun Jan 19, 2020 6:34 am
Messenger wrote a review...

And I'm to the last one you have posted! Messy is back

Wait, is this the end? I'm not actually opposed to that if it's the case. I like the callback to the daggers. Interesting imagery.
Ok, so, the line she delivers about not being dumb brought a genuine smile (and I would've laughed but I don't want to wake my roommates). It felt very Lysandra. She's pretty sassy.

But overall. I just wish there was more. I like the imagery of the gun. I like the idea of learning from being betrayed and looking at the lengths people will go to get revenge. I just wish we had seen the bond of Lysandra and Theron more throughout the previous chapters. It's hard to feel the connection that you want us to feel was broken between them.
Also, how did the Crow show up? I don't see Eden ever calling Crow or Lysandra. And even if they did, how did they get there so fast? They drove out of the city on motorcycles for at least a few minutes (fight+chase+argument before gun) You have time built in to really sell the mix of emotions happening in this scene and to flesh out why Theron did what he did, and how he felt betrayed, not to mention how Lysandra feels. Because in the end they were both betrayed by people they trusted. Ther'es some good potential in that! Take time to dig into it.
As a whole, I think that's the thing I noticed most in this story. You have some good characters, good story ideas, good themes, but you're seeming to want to get to the end as fast possible. Slow it down! The reveals will have much more weight to them if we have time to catch our breath and see the connection of the MC's.

I hope these reviews have helped. I try to be as straightforward as possible. That's what helped me at your age when I came on here looking for help.

LadyMysterio says...

Yeah, It is a bit fast, mostly because I wrote it for school on a time limit.
But I do want to go in and make it longer as well as additional bits.
-The Lady of Mystery.

Messenger says...

That makes sense! I think it would be a great story to come back to and flesh out a lot more.

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209 Reviews

Points: 400
Reviews: 209

Sat Dec 14, 2019 5:36 pm
EverLight wrote a review...

EverLight here with a review! This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned you may feel offended anyway.

First Impression
Wow wow wow wow wow....what just happened?

Nitpicks & Grammar

First you may want to consider removing the comma from the word on in this sentence-

She saw the safety switch on, and smiled.

And secant you need to add a comma by the word still in this sentence-
Still it was hard, they had been friends, and even though he had tricked her, it was still going to be hard to get over.

Other then that you had no problems here.

Style & Flow
My favorite part of any review...hehehe.
Just two things you need to watch-
1. Emotion
I noticed that there is a lack of emotion in this piece. We don't know what Lysandra (or whoever the main character is. It wasn't clear to me.) is thinking, or feeling. Is she terrified? Confused? Is she feeling regretful? Sorrowful? Id also love to get into her thoughts. What is she thinking as she takes down the enemy? Just somethings to consider.
2. Description
It's one thing I've noticed in a lot of works-there is never really a lot of description. While it's good that you don't have long passages of flowery adjectives, you don't want short passages of dead ones either, so try to describe a little more. What did your characters look like? Was it night? Day? Were they in an alleyway? Add a little context.

Other then that I couldn't see anything wrong.

Awesome job! <3

Everlight out

LadyMysterio says...

Thank you very much! I don't get offened when my storys are picked apart. Its the only way the story will get better!. I will work on my emotion etc.
Thanks again

EverLight says...

Your welcome <3

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.
— JRR Tolkien