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Something inspired by Greyhound

by LadyMysterio


The sharp scent of salt fills your lungs as your breaths increase.  One of the most dreaded words to say in the Black Pit was shouted. Periscope spotted

Eyes strained, scanning the violent sea, ears open, listening to the sonar's fast-paced report.

Your heart races, acutely aware of the immense danger that could be near.

Death is stood on the threshold to your soul, you wonder if he will snatch it in meer seconds or if you will live a few more. 

Panic rises as sonar hurriedly reports a U-boat position. Your brain registers the information meer seconds before you shout out orders. Mines tumbles over into the depths where the enemy lurks.

A tense few seconds pass, wondering if the thing you'll see is the musty, fridged bridge.

A shout echos. Oil. Oil has been spotted beside the ship. 

You race out onto the deck, spotting the slick, black patch. 

A bitter sweet victory, knowing you'll live a few more minutes, but sadness at the lost souls sinking in the watery grave.


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205 Reviews


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Sun Jan 03, 2021 2:13 am
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Vil wrote a review...



As requested, Lady M, here is your review! c:

Oh, this is different! I apologize if this isn't the best review-- I struggle with reviewing short pieces sometimes =P

So, by making inferences and doing some guesswork, I'm gonna say that this work probably relates to a World War Two esque environment as you specifically mentioned U-boats, so I am even happier that the narrator has somehow survived than Nazi soldiers (although in general I'm not really a fan of death unless it's characters, cause you know I'm like that XD). It's a really interesting piece, but I'm not really sure what constructive criticism I can give you!

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!




LadyMysterio says...


(Its from the movie GreyHound which is in ww2) also thx



Vil says...


Oh, okie! I've not seen that, so =P



LadyMysterio says...


You might like it its on prime tv.



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Fri Jan 01, 2021 5:42 pm
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SpunkyKitty wrote a review...



Hi Lady! Spunky here to review!

Grows:

Death is stood on the threshold...

Do you mean Death is standing? or Death is on?

Glows:
There is so much description and emotion in these words, and the fact that it is so short, adds power. It's really amazing. My favorite sentence is,

A bitter sweet victory, knowing you'll live a few more minutes, but sadness at the lost souls sinking in the watery grave.

I absolutely love this sentence! Nothing more to say! Bye!!!




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Fri Jan 01, 2021 4:39 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a review!!

First Impression: This is a really great piece despite being so short and I am loving it on the first read. I think you capture quite a bit of emotion despite its length and that's great to see.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The sharp scent of salt fills your lungs as your breaths increase. One of the most dreaded words to say in the Black Pit was shouted. Periscope spotted


That definitely does sound like it would very much be the last words you want to hear out there. I see we're starting this story off with quite a bang and I love that. Let's see where this ends up going.

Eyes strained, scanning the violent sea, ears open, listening to the sonar's fast-paced report.

Your heart races, acutely aware of the immense danger that could be near.


Good job with capturing the tension there. It definitely captures the kind of atmosphere that you would expect to find in such a situation and the little bit of detail with the sonar doesn't hurt either.

Death is stood on the threshold to your soul, you wonder if he will snatch it in mere seconds or if you will live a few more.


Well, not the kind of abstract line I expected to find in here but its a welcome surprise to me. I think it does a great job just establishing just how crazy the situation is.

Panic rises as sonar hurriedly reports a U-boat position. Your brain registers the information meer seconds before you shout out orders. Mines tumbles over into the depths where the enemy lurks.


I think you misspelled mere there but the line itself is great and I'm really liking how this whole piece is giving the impression of sort of slowing time down to see these things happen.

A tense few seconds pass, wondering if the thing you'll see is the musty, fridged bridge.


Another lovely line to capture their situation.

A shout echos. Oil. Oil has been spotted beside the ship.

You race out onto the deck, spotting the slick oil.

A bitter sweet victory, knowing you'll live a few more minutes, but sadness at the lost souls sinking in the watery grave.


Yay they survived. Well, I think that is a really well done ending there. The fact that the sailors are thinking about the people they just sent to the grave even though they saved themselves seems like a very grounding addition to the story in how such a situation would have played out in reality.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think besides a couple of spelling mistakes (of which I only actually pointed one out...whoops) this is done really, really well. It feels like a snapshot of time and it really brings across the sort of thoughts that might have actually gone through the head of a person at a time like this.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry





Lead. The most dangerous thing in Led Zeppelin's name and I'll remind you the other thing was Zeppelin.
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