Young Writers Society

Hey, MEssy here again

WHoooooooa. Hooold up, park the bus, pause the movie!!! This is so fast. Okay, let's work through it a little slower.

1) The fight scene at the beginning is interesting. I like the first sentence throwing us straight into the action. The combo of hand-to-hand with a taser is cool as well. But I can't help but feel that this a big character growing opportunity that you skipped. Lysandra is supposedly a really good, top agent, right? Prove it! 1 on 8, let's see her work some magic and pummel these guys. If she's leaving to catch up to Theron, make that more evident, because as it is, she just looks like she's running, which is fine if it's because she can't take them, but you almost immediately have her pull off a crazy pistol shot, making her seem much more than a simple agent. It just all conflicts.
2) Make this chase a bigger deal. Let's have a real chase. Let's have Lysandra weaving through traffic, dodging cars, all the while trying to control her emotion of being betrayed AND at the same time also learning that her entire agency is in jeopardy. There's so much stuff I like going on here, but now you need to fill in all the gaps. Because all of a sudden when she catches up to Theron she's crying and mad, but where was all of that before?
3) There's some confusing things going on here. The whole part where she puts on her headpiece and they're talking about the agency being leaked confused me. Who's speaking? How does she know it's Theron? How did he even do it if he was sleeping? Why did he wait for Lysandra to come back if he was just going to run right when she showed up in the alley?
4) Theron - so he feels betrayed? I'm confused? Did I miss some stuff in the first couple of chapters? And how on earth does he get a gun pressed up against Lysandra is she's right up in his face. And for all things good, why is Lysandra closing her eyes? Like, I find that hard to accept that a top agent would do that in this situation.
I like the ending line though. Good tension.

Hope this helps,
Messy

What?! No, not Theron!

I remember Theron leaving the scene but I thought he was leaving and being his goofy self! I think you could have specified how Lysandra figured it was him who broke the firewall. As a reader, I did get the general idea but I feel like you could have built up the mystery for the major reveal. Especially since the guy seemed good. I have mentioned this in my previous reviews as well, some of the revels are hastily done and it is sort of ruining the "shocker" value that this story has and it has a lot of shocking reveal. So I'd suggest you pace out your chapters, club the chapters and scenes wherever necessary.

This chapter needs some heavy editing. The letters are not capitalised after the full-stop, names are missing letters.

“Am I included in “they”, what about me, you were my friend, my trusted Ali ” Tears were running down her face, tears of rage.

She grabbed the gun handle “Don't do this”

Hi!
First let me just say that I'm hooked. This story draws you in and I gotta know more.

There are only two little things that I could nitpick.

The first is the first sentence. It is super incredibly hard to catch a punch. You not only have to be quick enough to get your own hand in the path of your opponent's but you also have to have the strength to stop the whole force of the punch (the weight they throw behind it and the momentum it picks up). Having the strength to catch a punch and stop it fully is pretty rare especially if it's a man throwing a punch at a woman. A more realistic approach would be to have your female lead block the punch.

Example:
She threw her arm up to block the punch, grabbed his arm and twisted savagely. The click of her taser paired well with his high pitched scream as she shoved it into his chest. His unconscious body hadn't hit the ground before another man's arm wrapped around her neck and wrenched her away.

If your lead is superpowered or just a very aggressive bodybuilder then totally go for the catching of the punch, but they'll have to readjust their grip in order to be able to twist their opponent's arm enough to cause them pain. Hand on fist you can only twist someone else's arm as much as yours will twist: If you are causing them pain, you're also causing yourself pain.

The second is the scene when your lead shoots the back tire of the bad guy's motorcycle causing him to crash it off the side of the highway. If someone is on a bike and it spins out so much that the back tire shreds, even if the back tire already has a hole in it from a gunshot, then when they do crash they won't be able to move around let alone hold a girl hostage.

After any crash there is always a minute or two of confusion, especially if you flying off a bike and hit your head. The superpowered character applies here too, if they're above human in any way then totally go for it, but if they're just an average human then they won't be coherent by the time your lead pulls up next to them. Maybe after a few more minutes of dialogue he can become coherent enough to pull a gun on your lead, but immediately after a crash on a bike no one human would be able to.

Hope this helps! And totally feel free to just ignore this, this is your story, write it how you need it to be written.

@Dreamy I know you are curious about what happens next so I though I would tag you.