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E - Everyone

Trust me, not? (Part 1)

by LadyMysterio






 

Lysandra heard footsteps coming closer, “Agent, Lysandra”,  a shadow fell over her paper.

“Agent Theron,” She didn't look up from her papers,  "How many times have I told you to not look over my shoulder”

The shadow disappeared.

“Staying up late as usual,” Theron, chuckled.

“To maintain my train of thought, yes, which you have now ruined,”

She turned her chair and cocked an eyebrow at him.

He held his hands up in mock surrender, “How's the case? ”

“Good, I am making progress.”

“Good ” He paused, “Oh and the Crow wants to meet with you tomorrow morning.

The “Crow” was what most everyone called Director Kronos. A nickname he probably didn't know of. Given to him by agents because of his narrow features, and midnight hair.

“How nice”

“Mhmm, well, even if you like staying up late, I don't. Night.” He smiled briefly and swiftly turned on his heel, and left.

Lysandra smiled, once a sleepy head always a sleepyhead. Theron had been just as fond of sleep as he was when they first became friends. He wasn't the best agent but wasn't bad, and the only person who could get away with mocking her. She stood up and stretched her back, even though nobody thought she slept, she did, it would be impossible for her to function otherwise.

The next time she saw Theron was when he came to escort her to Director Kronos.

“You know, I think you look better in a suit than me.” Theron tugged at his crooked tie.

“Well maybe if you know how to wear one properly you'd look better.”

“The one class I missed in the academy.'' He shrugged.

Lysandra raised her hand in acknowledgment as they passed another agent.

Theron pressed his hand on the glowing blue pad beside the door, and bent, as it simultaneously scanned his eyes. He gestured to Lysandra as the door opened, promptly following.

Theron stood to the side of the room, hands clasped in front of him. Lysandra obtained a similar stance before the Crow, who was standing engrossed in a glowing translucent screen, his slim fingers working swiftly.

“Director Kronos. ”

“Agent Lysandra.”

The Crow waved a hand and the screen disappeared, he stepped down from the platform and shook her hand, "As you probably know, I have a new assignment for you"  He had started pacing and stopped in front of her.

She nodded.

"Now this is top secret, so the only ones who are to know are you." He extended a finger towards her.

"Agent Theron.“ The finger moved to him.

“And me.“ The finger jabbed at his chest. 

She nodded, and he continued, "Agent Theron will be your partner for this case, Theron, to keep you accountable for your rest, and you to keep him on track"

He gestured Theron over, once he stood by Lysandra the Crow continued, "Now, someone seems to be leaking information from our databases, and we don't know who, we may have good security, but apparently, not good enough."

He looked Lysandra in the eye, “I know you for your loyalty and dependability when you pursue a case, and I expect you to catch this mole.”

He turned and strode back to his raised platform, "I will send you any important information, but for now, you may go” He waved a hand, and the screen appeared again.

Theron looked at Lysandra and gestured with his hand, "Let's go hunting, shall we?" He said with a smirk.

"I believe you are done here, why aren't you gone?" The Crow raised an eyebrow.

Lysandra glared at Theron as she passed him. He shrugged mockingly. As they passed through the door, Lysandra, looked over at him,

 "Since we are working together, come over to my house and we can go over the info, Crow sends us."

“Sure, but I need to grab a snack, meet you there?"

Lysandra raised her eyebrow.

"What? " He turned the corners of his mouth down and tilted his head like a puppy.

"You’re gonna go puppy dog on me." 

“It was worth a shot."

"I have Food."

"Fine."

"When did you become so whiny about food?"

 Now."

“Mhmm."

They walked across the campus and soon reached the housing quarters. Lysandra paused and bent down as her eyes were scanned. The door shortly opened, and she made a beeline towards her computer room, forgetting about Theron. She stepped onto the raised platform in the middle and waved a hand, screens popped up, as a female voice spoke.

"Welcome, Lysandra.”

“Eden, bring up anything Director Kronos has sent me."

A file popped up on the screen.


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620 Reviews


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Wed Jan 08, 2020 3:26 am
Messenger wrote a review...



Hey, Messy here
I noticed that you have a couple of works in the green room going pretty far back, and that doesn't seem right to me! So let's review this piece, shall we?

Just a couple of notes of observation.
1. The grammar and punctuation need a lot of help. There should be some form of punctuation at the end of every quotation, but a lot of the quotes are missing it. Take the final segment of the chapter about food. All those phrases need periods at the end inside the quotation mark if they aren't followed by the speaker performing a direct action i.e. "...," Lysandra said.
There are also several run-on sentences or comma splices; sometimes you have a run-on due to a comma splice. Make sure that you are watching out for that. Lastly, in the beginning, you have a big chunk that contains speaking parts from two different characters, along with actions, and yet it isn't broken up. Make sure that if a new person is speaking, it's started on a new line.

2. Slow down with this piece a bit. We jump from one setting to the other incredibly quickly. The only description given to us in the opening scene is that Lysandra is at some sort of desk. If Theron is blocking light than I can presume it's some sort of office, and that's aided by the fact that it seems like a desk job for an organization. Let us get a feel for where we are. I assume it's night because of the dialog, but I don't know for sure. IS it a cramped office with cubicles, or a more free-flowing affair. After all, how does Theron sneak up on Lysandra?

3. Show, don't tell. You have a bit about "the Crow" where you tell us who he is. Find a way for that to work into your writing without halting the story itself to give us a little bio on him as if we're reading character descriptions.

I think that's plenty to get started on for now. I'll be heading on to chapter 2.

Hope this helps,
Messy




LadyMysterio says...


Hello. Messy! Thanks You! the reason it flows so fast is beacause I wrote it for school in a time limit of four days.
But I am trying to fix it up better as I like the story a lot.
I seem to be getting a lot of comments about grammer and puncuation so i will put that at the top of my list.

THanks again!
The Lady of Mystery



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Sun Oct 27, 2019 5:59 pm
the_orange_potato wrote a review...



-Hi!

Wow, this was great. I enjoyed the descriptions you used and think they're very creative. This gives to me a wonderful traditional spy story with every element you need to write one. Case files, hand print and eyeball scanners, a mysterious academy where the spies go to train. It's all right there on the screen. I think this has potential to be a show, but yet all spy stories are. You take a wonderful well written setting and take well written characters and mix it with a cliff hanger. Overall there are a few grammatical errors. You did a great job!

-Keep writing!




LadyMysterio says...


wow! thank you!



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Thu Oct 17, 2019 4:05 pm
Dreamy wrote a review...



Hey, Lady Mysterio. Interesting introduction you got here. But let's first address the typo and get it out of the way yea?

“ Agent theron,” She didn't look up from her papers,


Capitalise the first letter of the names always.

She turned her chair, and cocked and eyebrow at him. He held his hands up in mock surrender. “ How's the case?


"and cocked an eyebrow at him

The “Crow” was what mostly everyone, called Director Kronos


You don't need a comma here after "everyone"

Theren tugged at his crooked tie.


You have misspelled your character's name here.

Agent lysandra ”


Capitalisation of the first letter again. It's something we all do when it's first draft and don't edit. You'll get all the typos when you edit your work. So it's all ok.

Lysandra is an interesting name and I already like her character. She seems pretty rough yet cool and Theron seems like pretty chill guy. I'd like to see how the duo solve this case. Keep up the good work!

Keep writing!

Cheers! :D




LadyMysterio says...


Thank you so much!
I have part two and part three published if you want to read more.
Thank you for the review!




The worst bullies you will ever encounter in your life are your own thoughts.
— Bryant McGill