For a party full of rich, old politicians, one would have expected more action than this.
James raised the cardboard cup to his lips, tipping it up to drain one last drip of coffee from it. He got nothing. What use was a stakeout without a healthy supply of black coffee?
Beside him, his partner Verena pulled her attention away from the brightly lit mansion in the distance and set her pair of binoculars down on the SUV's dashboard. “What do you figure that tip was a false lead?”
James popped the lid off the cup, inspecting the inside. Empty. "It’s not a bad time and place for someone to target the Premier. Plenty of suspects, crowds, loud music.”
Verena’s only reply was a thoughtful grunt.
He gave her a moment, picking up the binoculars himself to inspect the scene before them. Even with the binoculars' stabilizing technology, he still had to wedge one elbow on the armrest of the door, and one on the leather seat he sat on. The mansion sparkled into focus, a very close focus.
Framed within the lens was a darkly trimmed window displaying a warm, bright party scene, along with suited and bejeweled guests, was a complete illustration of itself, but he needed a little context. He widened the scope of the lens. The window shrunk, white, blue, and pink granite stone filling out a wall, spotted with more windows.
The three-story establishment had three peaks emerging from the main roof on the front of the building. From studying the blueprints, he knew it had another section around the back, built perpendicular to the rest of it. The whole building resembled the letter T with three square dots sitting on the top when viewed from top down.
The whole manor was styled in the Tudor revival style, with a handsome stone portico standing slightly out of place at the entrance. Leftover from the various times the building had burnt down and been rebuilt in the past.
The rest of the scene filled out with neat, trimmed hedges, gardens arranged in patterns around lush pockets of lawn, a stone wall encompassing it all, entry barred with a cast iron spiked gate.
James heard the pop of the back hatch unlocking. Verena spoke as he heard her slide out of the car. “I’m going scouting. Keep watch.”
“Little early for party crashing, don’t you think?” James kept the binoculars pressed to his eyes.
“Better than sitting here watching everything from a distance.” The car shifted as Verena climbed into the back.
“If there’s coffee, bring me some.”
“It’s a posh party, not a book club.”
Stripped of its backseats to accommodate a selection of weapons and equipment, the back of the car was a mini armory in its own right. He heard snaps, clicks and clangs as Verena collected various items and attached or tucked them onto her person.
The Agency issued outfit for this mission was a mix of traditional tactical gear and a formal suit. But less, stiffy, and with lots of pockets.
James zoomed back to the mansion. “Is the lieutenant governor informed of the situation?”
Governor Solavita, the occupant of the estate they were now spying on, was an old acquaintance of his. Although he likely remembered her far more fondly than she did him. Things tended to roll that way when you stomped all over someone else’s operation for a day or two.
“Not that I’ve been informed. With the Primer in attendance, they’re keeping a tight rein on who gets info. The fewer people know-"
“The fewer suspects we have to rule out.” James finished.
Finding the lit windows again, he tried to place the figures within. Some stood in small groups, glasses in hand. Others drifted about- James paused as a red-haired figure entered the window frame.
He’d know that hair anywhere. “Tybalt’s here.”
“As he should.”
Tybalt, the famous red-haired undercover agent, was rarely seen within the Agency for obvious reasons. Whether he was a natural redhead also stood to be seen. It was rather a conspicuous choice for someone whose prime objective was to blend in.
Tybalt tipped his glass at him, then moved on. A subtle way to let them know he knew.
The sound of the hatch's hydraulics slowing its descent prompted James to lower the binoculars and lean out his window. Verena patted herself down, lips moving as she took stock of what she had and where it was.
Satisfied with her choices, Verena tapped her earpiece, resembling an earring in a daith piercing. “Comms on?”
Fizzed erupted in his ear and he winced, “yes.”
“Good, stay in touch, and keep an eye out for-”
“The Torin. Always.”
“You’ve got the-”
“Blueprints?” James pressed a few buttons on the center counsel; a hologram sprung up, projecting a 3D rendering of the mansion. “They are now. Go get em, tiger.”
“Please stop making pop culture references to me.”
“As you wish.”
Verena sighed and turned away. James rolled the window up, watching her scout her way to the wall. Once she’d disappeared over it, he pulled up another holographic screen filled with little rectangles. The video feeds from various security cameras. Little did the mansion's security know, but their live feed was stuck on loop.
A shadow passed through a video showing one of the gardens around the back of the building. Verena. He clicked and enlarged the camera feeds pointed off the back of the building. Giving him a wider viewpoint of where she may try to enter
James swiped the blueprint hologram over to float above the passenger seat, set the video feed in its place, and tuned the radio on to a murmur.
Tuned into the local law enforcement's private channel, it’d let him know if any alerts to the mansion went through.
Movement drew his eye back to the cameras. Verena had appeared at backdoor. Crates and a dolly lay stacked outside, leftover from the catering. She studied the doorhandle: one set with a coded lock, then looked at the camera as her voice tricked through his ear. “Code?”
“On it.” He scrolled back through the feed, searching for anyone else trying access the door. A few hours earlier, a woman in a suit punched a code in. He zoomed in on the keypad and replayed the feed at half speed, watching the keys she punched in. The numbers were too fuzzy to see, but he had the pattern.
“Send me a picture of the keypad.” He said.
James’ watch buzzed, and a picture of the keypad showed up on it. The watch, a technological advancement made specially by the Agency, had its many uses. He held his wrist up to the screen and replayed the video feed. Speaking out the numbers slowly to Verena. He toggled it back to live feed as he spoke the last digit.
The click and grind of a lock turning with a successful code echoed through his ear. Bingo.
His partner lodged her foot in the door and hugged a crate to her chest, then disappeared inside.
James closed the feed and brought the blueprints back in front of him as a red blinking dot lit up in a hallway, blinking as it moved.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,257 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
HI PLEASE KEEP THESE QUESTIONS IN CONSIDERATION WHEN LEAVING A REVIEW!! Thank you
How do you feel about the descriptions? Could you follow what was going on? Did you at any point feel lost because of missing information?
Emotions… Where there any in the text? How do you feel about the Main Character?
Did you feel like this was an exciting start to a story? Was it boring at any point?
On a scale of 0 to 10 with 5 being neutral, how much did you enjoy the chapter?
On a scale of 0 to 10 how much do you want to read the next chapter?
Hi Lady! I've seen a lot of stuff regarding Agents of Time and you looking to finish this up so I decided to review it c: looking forward to reading!
As a disclaimer, I want to say that my reviews are usually much more critique heavy. This is just how I review, and I apologize if it comes across as harsh! I enjoy everything I read, promise!! I just try to get into details.
Oh I don't know, I would imagine they would be incredibly boring xD
I'm not sure why James is giving Verena a moment here. I feel this is a good spot to show to us that the binoculars have technology rather than telling us about it. Like, for example, something like: "James took the binoculars and inspected the mansion himself. It took only a moment to focus and stabilize on the mansion, but James still had to steady himself with an elbow on the armrest to keep himself from feeling like he was floating. The technology within the binoculars still had its quirks."
Similar, but shows it off a bit more!
This description feels clunky and maybe a little comma spliced.
Just noting here that you have the word three three times in this paragraph XD perhaps you can change it to something like "The triple-storied establishment had three peaks . . . The whole building resembled the letter T with an ellipses of square dots"
I'm not exactly sure what the Tudor revival style means -- perhaps some description and James' opinion on the style would help fill this out and provide context for the reader who isn't familiar with the style. You could also even turn it into a bit of dialogue between James and Verena to cut into the big description dump here. Maybe they disagree on the style or their preference on the style.
One of the things I'm getting from this first chapter is that you're wanting to show the technology off but also maybe wanting to show some deficits of the technology? Either through James' eye (like he's struggling with the technology personally) or just in general. If it's the former, maybe James could spend a bit rummaging through the car trying to see if there's a coffee dispenser because like, what techy futuristic car wouldn't have a coffee dispenser?
I'm curious if this info is needed in the first chapter. I obviously have not read past this point, so perhaps it is! But, when you're introducing everything for the first time, it's important to reel in exactly how much new information the reader gets right away. While I think Tybalt, who's mentioned a little bit later, might be more important to introduce now, I have a feeling this lieutenant governor might be able to wait past the first chapter?
Fizzed?
I'll go back to this point at the end, but I'm not personally a huuuuuuge fan of the constant interruption and finishing the sentences. I think it works if you use it a little less and I am getting a good idea of their compatibility right now, but might be too much in a small part. Not a huge deal, though!
This ending feels like it's splitting a chapter and I think it might be how its worded. Maybe something like "James closed the feed and brought the blueprints back up. Against the harsh neon blue of the schematic, a bright red dot flared to life, blinking as it moved. It was moving to Verena." Or something along those lines. Separating the red dot into its own sentence can help bring more attention to the new thing.
---
Okay! Overall I enjoyed reading! It reads smoothly and I could get into it quickly, which is an impressive feat. A lot of my critiques are nitpicky line-by-line stuff that are things to look at when doing a revision and trying to get a draft as polished as possible.
I get a good amount of information about the relationship between James and Verena and their dynamic from this first chapter. However, I don't get a lot of personality from James or Verena distinctly. The most I get is from the coffee at the beginning which I'd love to see expanded upon. Like, is James a nonchalant foil to Verena's more uptight, by-the-rules, check-thrice, kinda personality? Is James tech-savvy but a little behind the times of the technology the Agency has given them? Things like that. I get a decent start to this dynamic with James cutting off Verena multiple times, but this is really the only feeling of personality I get from the latter half of the chapter. For example, in this section here:
I get no personality flavor text from James. No reactions to the technology, no reaction to Verena's movements or much reaction to her wanting to get into the mansion early, no reaction to the red dot. It doesn't need to be much, but I'd like to see a bit more here to get more of a feeling of who James is as a character. Besides the cutting off of the dialogue, there's not much emotion between the two characters, and it feels a bit stiff because of this.
Overall, I hope this review helped and looking forward to reading the next chapter! I am excited to see you continue and finish this!
THANK YOU OMNIIIIII
I dont mind nitpick reviews! I am trying to polish and smooth stuff out at this point so this is fantastic. I'm actually in the process of merging chapter one and two, simply because i feels like a better starting point rather then ooh lets wait in the car.. so exciting" and we get a bit more character cuz the stakes are higher. I'm getting a lot of feedback about james and verena feeling flat these first few chapters, mainly verena, but i know its just due to me having to write a bit to get into their character voices n stuff. Its nice to hear consistently because it makes me feel better about going back and changing it haha.
Hi!
I feel pretty good about the descriptions. I mean, they didn't particularly stand out as great or horrible; I didn't really make note of anything like that while reading.
I could follow the plot line enough to make it to the end, but it was rather confusing. I actually had to make myself read the first part multiple times because I was just really confused. When I'm confused, I can't pay attention to other details than the ones that just made me confused, leading me to miss more of the story and end up more confused. I always struggle with the opening part of a novel being set in the middle of something important, mainly unexplained. But after going through the beginning a few times, I began to make sense of things. My understanding is that James and Verena are two agents on a spy mission to infiltrate some party at a manor. But I'm not sure why. Is there a crime about to be committed there? Do they need to steal something? It is still a really interesting story - I love spy action stories - I just feel like certain things could be clarified.
The emotional aspect of this novel is interesting. I love how I can just know things that were not mentioned about the characters based off of what they say or how they are actions are portrayed. James seems like the nonchalant, always hungry, go with the flow kind of guy. Verona, on the other hand is a perfect partner for him, since she's the opposite. She's no nonsense, down to business, and a perfectionist. Tybalt is a peculiar character to add, and that creates a small sense of mystery as to who he is and why he's there. The red hair is perfect for him. It shows that he's confidant, especially with the comment that hints at the possibility of him dying it, rather than it being natural. I can't really tell much more about him right now, but I sense that I'm going to like him as the story progresses.
I'd say that the premise of the chapter is an exciting start, but not necessarily the way that it opens. As I mentioned before, I was pretty confused with the opening of the novel, due to the lack of information. This has altered my view of how 'exciting' the opening is. I wouldn't say it was directly boring, but my confusion led me to being a bit bored as I read lines that I couldn't make sense of, or rather, that I was preoccupied trying to figure out what they were doing in the first place, that I blew over the next lines, making the reading of them 'boring.' However, as I continued to read the chapter, I gained a clearer view of the characters and the setting, and was able to enjoy and understand it much more. I really liked it starting at the middle and going forward.
I would rate my enjoyment of this chapter as a 6.
I would rate my excitement to read the next chapter as a 8.
Overall, I did really like the idea of this novel, and I look forward to reading more.
-CherryScriptAMK <3
heyyyy! I love where your story's going!
here's a review <3
-Descriptions and could I follow along?-
Yes! The descriptions were clear and easy to visualize.
The mansion part was a tiny bit long, but not confusing — more like, “Okay wow, this house is fancy fancy.”
Nothing felt bananas‑level overwhelming.
-Did I feel lost?-
Not really.
There were a couple moments where I wished for a tiny bit more context about the mission or the tech, but nothing that made me stop and reread.
Just small “huh, okay” moments.
-Emotions-
James has “tired agent who needs caffeine” energy, which is honestly a mood.
Verena feels competent and slightly annoyed, which works for her.
There are emotions, but they’re subtle — I wouldn’t mind a little more personality shining through.
-How do I feel about the main character?-
James seems likable and a bit dry-humored.
He’s not super deep yet, but this is chapter one, so that’s normal.
-Was this an exciting start?-
Yeah!
It’s not explosive action yet, but it’s intriguing and sets up the mission well.
Definitely not boring — more like a slow build that promises chaos later.
-Enjoyment rating-
7/10
Solid writing, good pacing, interesting setup.
-How much do I want to read the next chapter?-
8/10
I want to see what goes wrong, because something *always* goes wrong in spy stories.
-Final Thoughts-
This is a strong first chapter.
The writing is clean, the characters have potential, and the setup is engaging.
My only suggestions would be:
- Trim the mansion description a bit
- Add a little more emotional texture
- Give us just a touch more clarity on the mission stakes
- Make sure to use correct grammar and boring stuff like that (I noticed that your dialogue tags started with a capital letter. Technically the dialogue part and the tag is all one sentence, so you're supposed to do it like this: "Blahblahblah," he said.)
But overall? Really good start, and I’d keep reading.
HELLO! I HAVE FINALLY MADE IT! Girl, I am so excited to read and review this.
(okay crim quit fangirling. get serious *clears throat*)
let's try that again...
Hello hello! It is I, CrimsonTears (or Crim for short)! I am here to read and review this amazing piece! Typically, I read and review as I go and so as usual, that is also how I will review your work here! Let’s dig in, shall we?
As always, I like to start with the title and genre the writer has chosen.
I love the title “Agents of Time: Chapter One; The Mansion”! I think this beautifully matches the genre you’ve chosen here of Fiction, Action/Adventure! It’s a very compelling title too. I think anyone would be quick to click the title and read it! (and apparently that is so! Have you seen how many likes are on this work???)
Anyways, moving on into the actual review here…
AUTOMATICALLY James is my favorite. I like a character who understands the desperation of coffee. Love this!
I am also a sucker for unique character names that aren’t cookie-cutter-every-person-has-this-name character names like Adam or John. So many people I meet have their main original characters with the most simple and recycled name but Verena is a very unique name so I don’t think I’ll ever see her name in another story which helps make her a way more memorable character already! You’re already ahead of so many well known authors!
I don’t know what it is but something about this sentence just tickles my brain. I love this sentence a lot.
Ugh, I absolutely love this duo. Verena is such a strict stay on topic character, and James is so a nonchalant, whatever happens happens character. I love this. It’s a perfect mix!
LOVE THIS! I feel like what makes the animes I like so much is that one mature and wise character that little is said about them but yet you know so much about them. I feel like Tybalt is one of these characters. Already I’m intrigued to know more about him!
I love the way you ended this chapter! It’s a very quick yet great finishing piece! The way this whole chapter ends makes me want to read more which is something a lot of authors miss the mark on. The first chapter or prologue can be so boring that people don’t want to continue. This is something I myself struggle with, so this is another way you stand out amongst other authors!
Overall, I think this chapter was great!
Some critiques I have is…
1. Without research, I have no way of knowing what the Tudor revival style architecture is. There is some detail of the mansion, but not enough to separate it from, say, the Roman Gothic style of architecture, where there are so many sharp edges of trim and sharp points to the towers of the buildings, giving it an ominous but intriguing exterior. I would have liked to see more solid details of this style in this chapter, like the key differences from this style that separate it from other architectural styles
2. James' coffee is empty. He knows this after his first attempt, and yet takes the lid off, and it is repeated that the coffee is empty. While this is fine, I think an insert of something like him needing physical proof to satisfy his desperation for caffeine would add more flavor to this.
But now for the highlights!
1. Obviously, as I’ve already stated, I LOVE the duo and Tybalt. Even though there isn’t much of a first impression description of the characters, I feel like there is enough to satisfy at the same time, and you kept me intrigued about all three to the end of these characters! It was easy to differentiate them, and I wasn’t confused about who was speaking or who was in the rooms. I also love how you beautifully show their personalities. All of them have distinct personalities, but it’s amazing!
2. I also liked how you began this story. There isn’t much needed to be said of what’s going on in the mansion after this sentence from how concise yet precise it is!
Overall, this was an amazing read and I’m so excited to continue reading the story! Please tag me in new chapters for this story when there is!
Have an amazing rest of your day/night!
Crim signing out!
THANK YOU.
I meant to reply to this after I read it weeks ago rip. Anyway glad your enjoying! I hope you can check out the other chapters when you have time, and I will add you to the tag list
I wasnt going to review this, just skim it a bit, but those opening lines have me hooked already so here I go with my first review in over a year. (Be prepared for choppiness. My reviews come in rambles)
Right from the opening line, I can tell what kind of a main character we're dealing with-Someone who thinks he's better than anyone else. And someone of high class Im guessing with his very particular taste in coffee. Im also getting very observant vibes from him. I suspect he enjoys people pleasing. All that said, Im writing this as I have only read paragraph 2.
Ah, so he's watching from a distance. Hmmm, interesting. And even though I was already suspecting he was trying to solve a mystery, now I know he's a detective in disguise.
I loved your details about James looking down at the empty cup and musing over it. Somehow that gives him a thoughtful contemplative vibe. I feel like there's so much more to him than what shows on the surface. You do a great job of keeping him a mysterious person, someone the reader wants to pick at and find out more from. Well done! His character is what has me still reading now.
Now Im a bit confused about how the coffee has to do with the party however. Im under the impression that he is watching the party fro a significant distance so how did he get the coffee that he was griping about was not enough? Perhaps I am misreading somrthing lol.
Now I find the exchange between Verena and James to be of particular interest because they have different personalities. I feel like Verenas could have been deflveloped just a little sooner. I think she would benefit from being introduced just a little sooner, before I developed the idea that James was by himself. Similarly, I feel like introducing the idea of them being in the SUV should be moved up because I thought they were at the party, just watching from a table for a bit. Introducing the foreground earlier might help set that straight a little sooner.
But anyhow. I love how Verena is eager to jump right into the action. I suspect she is younger than James and perhaps a little bit more inexperienced.
Now this red-haired guy. I feel there is evil in him. Im not sure if its because there is not much gold about him or the fact that he's not in the car with the other agents or even thr fact that James didnt know he would be there. I dont like the sound of this. If he's working as a team with James, why did James not know he'd be there? This sounds highly suspicious.
Okay, more questions though. Why so many freaking weapons? It seems like they want to stay undercover but then why would they stash all their weapons in the back of their trunk? Granted, I assume they aren't visible when the back of the car is closed but I would think they'd have some kind of secret compartment or something for increased privacy. And then...now Im thinking they want to blow the place up if they're bringing that many weapons into the place with them. I feel like this would look bulky on Verena and suspicious. But there is no real mention of her clothing. I dont know. I feel like maybe describing exactly how Verena is hiding the weapons on herself would help me understand. I just feel like its hard to put on as much as I envision her putting on without giving it away.
Now on a positive note, well done describing the back opening and closing. The sound is just perfectly described so I know exactly what you're talking about. Also, I love the idea of the false piercing being how she can communicate with James. Very clever. And James annoyed response is so in character with what I have read so far.
Alright so now James is watching Verenas moves. Apparently he has hijacked the security James. Im not surprised. He seems good with technology and with his brain. It does surprise me that Verena doesn't have a body cam on her. That would make viewing the keypad easier. Hmmm...and that red dot....obviously THE GUY they dont want to see.
Okay thats it for my rambles. Let me see if I can answer some questions before I leave.
Descriptions: I felt like most of them were good, but I did feel like the description of the mansion got a bit lengthy and hard to follow. I think you used three of your paragraphs to just describe the mansion and I think that maybe trying to put some of those details elsewhere would be helpful.
I feel like I understood the piece pretty well!
I feel like it was a great place to start- i still have so many questions like what they are trying to do, why they are there etc. But thats what keeping me going because I want to know more!
I think I've already addressed James lol, but I think he's a great Mc because he is so secretive and so mysterious.
I think the only point that was boring to me was the mansion descriptions. I feel like that slowed the pace, but I tend to not like descriptions lasting more than a paragraph when it comes to setting.
I really did enjoy thr piece and will be returning to review the next chapter
Hope this helps out some!
-Kaia
Hiii, I meant to reply to this earlier whoops.
Thanks for thew review! Im happy to hear your thoughts! Espcially from someone who hasnt read the previous version. It seems i need to add some more context because most of the questions you have were answered i the first draft, so i need to add some of that back in. Which i was wondering about anyway!
Oh, okay! Well looks like that insight might help you, then!
Looks like @Snoink went absolutely ham, but I tried to have my thoughts in order before I read it so that if any of our opinions align you know they were arrived at independently since we both read your original draft!
I'm going to skip some of the grammar and syntax because you already know that dilemma and this isn't a draft wherein it matters a ton. It's much better than last draft, although there were definitely still some errors. I will now just ramble. Points are not in any specific order.
1. James isn't a buffoon. Hurray! I still don't think you had to kill his love of donuts completely, considering how that had a sort of connection later on in the story, but the coffee can work the same purpose and makes him look far less like a fat cop eating donuts shtick. He didn't lose all his charm either, although I found it funny that you of all people would have a character making pop culture references given your lack of watching films xD
2. Verena is kinda washed out this time around. I don't even know what she looks like. I liked that before we got that they were a sort of buddy cop duo and James helped to keep her from being too serious while she kept him in line when he tended to drift off course. James personality has been improved but the banter has almost disappeared aside from the one good bit with "go get em tiger."
3. I still don't have any clue what the mission is? Why is Tybalt there? Who is the Premier and why is some random agency guarding him? And who is the Agency/why aren't they infiltrating the party itself if Tybalt got in?
4. This chapter is missing that big hook or cliffhanger ending the original had. And it feels very short. No reason that this and chapter 2 can't be combined to end on the explosion (Assuming it still happens).
5. It's early on, but I'm already thinking that following Verena is the more interesting pov here. She's the one going in. She's the one that could get caught if James isn't fast enough. She's the one that might blow up.
6. The technology felt much better and more naturally integrated this time around. I think just stating the tech exists sometimes is more convincing than trying to explain what it is and how it works, so I like that you don't belabor the points.
That's all for now. I'll get to chapter 2 soon
~Messy
Oh wow. Went ham. HA.
^ was about to comment on that awful pun xDD
Hi Lady!
Okay! There are some definite improvements in some respects and some other (new!) things to think about! So let's dive in, shall we?
Improvements:
- The first line is still hooky... perhaps even hookier than your previous draft! I like it!
- James does not seem like an obese, donut-eating oaf anymore! In fact, he even seems... dare I say it... competent? So that is a win!
- The technology stuff has been brought out in a better way! So it's clear that this is some somewhat more futuristic technology that they are dealing with currently.
- It moves faster! Having a good pace is good.
- Tybalt doesn't feel like such a random blip anymore, but someone to watch, which makes me happy.
So all of these are good! One of my main complaints of the original was that I couldn't realistic believe that these were elite agents, but that is now different! Hooray!
Now... I am also in the depths of despair with writing a first chapter for a novel (AHHHHHH) and I want to tell you the mistakes I made so that you can avoid being stuck in the depths of despair for as long as I was. (Or really, I still am in that place, haha... still tweaking that stupid first chapter, darn it...)
If you want to publish a novel, the first chapter needs to have:
- a solid hook
- intriguing characters that you want to follow along with who have intriguing voices that capture your attention, along with a well-rounded, sympathetic, yet flawed protagonist who you genuinely care about and want to see succeed at whatever their goal is.
- a clear sense of what relationships these characters have with each other so that these characters feel real
- a clear sense of conflict and stakes at the first scene so that there's tension throughout (who is your character/ what does he want/ what will he do to get it/ what will happen if he doesn't succeed)
- clear markers of what sort of genre it is and what you're getting into and what world this is, all without info dumping.
- a sense that this plot is going somewhere interesting with real stakes that makes them want to read on.
LET ME BE UPFRONT. I am still struggling with all these points in my own chapter 1, so I feel slightly hypocritical laying all these out, haha. This is not "me knowing best" but me struggling through the same thing simultaneously along with you. All of the things that I'm about to lay out are the same things I am currently struggling with for my own story. I got some incredibly critical/brutal (yet helpful feedback) outside YWS for my story and so I am still reeling from it, hahaha.
With all this said...
I feel like this new draft, while an improvement in many ways (competence!) went too far to showing them being competent to the point where the characters feel flatter. Verena's impatience and annoyance (yet gentle affection) toward James doesn't come out clearly. Other than the coffee scene, James is largely directing Verena and staring at screens. The dialogue feels largely like talking heads and I don't get a sense of who they are... which kind of makes me sad. Think of James Bond... he's a super awesome agent. But take away his charming, drink a martini that's shaken, not stirred, and he kind of loses something. There was something in the last draft that made them feel like people.
Now, don't misunderstand me! I think this is an improvement in many ways, so I don't want you to delete this and go back to your other draft. But I want to let you know that there was something special in your last draft that isn't here in this draft.
To compound things more, I like that they're competent now, except I still don't understand what exactly what they're doing or trying to accomplish, other than they work at some sort of agency (doing what?) and that there is another agent (Tybalt) involved (who is doing... something?) and there's a stake out (why?). The whole thing feels like there's supposed to be a plot that you're hiding from us. This was also a problem in the previous draft, except your characters seemed so incompetent then that the lack of plot felt more forgivable. But now, they're doing something and I'm not sure what and you don't seem to be willing to share what is going on, which is problematic. I feel like you're trying to hide a plot twist that's imminent, but in hiding the twist, you're also hiding the plot.
Nor am I sure about this world. You start off with what feels like a thriller, but with high tech vibes. But this is... a sci fi called Agents of Time? And it sounds (from your descriptions that I've read off the story, I think) like maybe time travel might be involved? So like... when does that sci fi stuff happen? If this is just a techno thriller, then you don't need the sci fi stuff. But if this is a time travel thing, then you kind of need to be upfront about that, unless they're about to fall into some sort of time portal. But if that's the case, that should happen at the end of the first chapter so that we have a promise of something happening.
That's the other thing... maybe I'm misremembering things, but I sort of remember at the end of the first chapter that a building exploded. That was honestly thrilling and made me want to turn the page. Also, there was more action in your story. You had several arguments between James and Verena, followed by her getting out because she was bored and gearing up, much to James bemusement, and he called her out on that. Then at the end there was an explosion. But here, your action is largely just them talking to relay stuff, commentary on Tybalt, and James staring at screens. And it ends with James staring at screens.
Is this realistic for an actual stake out? YES. Is this something I want to spend my time reading? For me? Not really, since I have an unclear idea of what the stakes are and what is happening. Nor do I have a clear idea of where this story is going. If they're just going to talk with each other through their comlinks and stare at screens, the answer is such a hard no though, lol.
Also... let's talk about passive characters. But first, can I rant about my story? This is the most infuriating part of my story: Solea is INCREDIBLY reactive and passive in the beginning and one of the most common critical notes I've gotten is, "Why does she allow Alainna to use her as a doormat?" Which, FAIR. Worse, when I shared my query to be reviewed, this issue became terribly apparent and many of the comments I got were, "It sounds like Alainna is the more interesting character... why isn't she telling the story?"
So like. One of the things that I've been doing in my current edits is to make sure that Solea, even though she's kind of trapped in an awful situation, has agency and does things that the actual plot, rather than be Alainna's doormat. She's still reactive in the beginning... but she actually does things that are meaningful and impact the story and plot. So this has been something that I've been really struggling with for my own story.
Now... let's talk about James. As much as I love him and his coffee guzzling ways, he doesn't really... do anything to advance the story. He talks with Verena. He watches a screen. But like... Verena directs him and interrupts him so that his contributions are largely null. His main contribution to this whole plot is comments early on suggesting the Premier might be targeted, but that doesn't really seem to go anywhere. Also, him asking about coffee, which is shot down by Verena. There's nothing he does as a character that suggest he should be the protagonist, other than he can serve as the omniscient narrator since he has all the screens, but again. If you're writing a story about people staring at screens, even if the tech is cool, I'm not sure if people would be interested in reading it. There's enough of that in our day-to-day lives.
OKAY. Remember how I said at the front that I've been getting reviews like this for my own first chapter and internally panicking? I want you to take a deep breath because 1) I understand and yeah it sucks but YOU ARE NOT ALONE, and 2) all of this is fixable...
Some things you can do to make your story sing:
- Don't destroy all the bantering upfront, when they're just sitting and waiting! This was not extraneous! This was character development! It gave us a sense of who these people were and why we should care about them, and that is important! Through their dialogue, we also got a sense of what they were doing and trying to accomplish... and we need to know this desperately now!
- Ask yourself critically... who is your character/ what does he want/ what will he do to get it/ what will happen if he doesn't succeed? When I was rewriting Solea to have more agency, these were absolutely critical questions that helped me give her the agency she needed to help start the story. Answering these questions for both James and Verena will make your own story 1000% better.
- If you really want James to be your MC, give him agency and make him do things to help advance the story. Maybe he gives Verena directions, instead of just her directing everything. Maybe he warns her about something he sees? Maybe he irritates her enough that she does something? Maybe he does something with the keycode that unlocks it that Verena literally can't do anything about? Maybe he reminds her of something that she's genuinely forgotten? Any of those would help!
- Tell us about the plot! What are they doing? What is their purpose? What are they trying to achieve? What happens if they succeed? If they fail? You might be trying to hiding the twist, but in doing so you are hiding the plot. So tell us what's happening! We need to know the plot in order to appreciate the twists.
- By the end of each chapter, something big needs to happen. Maybe they realize there's a complication with their mission. Maybe they realize they've been set up. Maybe Tybalt is betraying them and they realize it. Maybe the mansion explodes. In any case, something needs to happen. Also, because James is your MC, he needs to be directly involved with the Big Thing. If he is not, you need to consider having Verena as your MC to begin with.
- Why is this a sci fi? Why are they the Agents of Time? If time travel is a thing that happens, we need to be aware of this in chapter 1 and have something involving time travel at the very end, or at least have strong foreshadowing so your reader doesn't feel misled. This is not a twist you want to hide. Do not bury the lede here!
OKAY! I should probably stop ranting now, lol. Anyway, I want to end by saying that I love your premise and characters. Having a secret agent named James who is the antithesis of James Bond makes me smile. Verena is precious. The tech is cool. If this DOES have time travel, that is such a cool plot twist that I would probably pick it up just because AHHH that sounds so cool! (That's why I want you to lead with it because that's one of your strongest points, lol.) I love how you made your characters more competent and integrated the cool tech with the story to improve your worldbuilding. All of these are wonderful improvements! You're heading in the right direction and your story is genuinely cool.
Now go out and write!
Oh I see a big review *excitement* yayy can't what to read this!
Alrightyyyy lets read this! Made my day to get this XD (idk i always like your feedback) Tagging you cuz im not sure if replying to my own comment gives you a notif??
Glad to know my first line was more hooky, thats what i was going for XD (also glad the other stuff was good too)
I really really REALLY appreciate you sharing your mistakes with me! Its nice to be like just behind you in the publishing journey XD
I'm really trying to keep my stakes high and make sure that my character wants something at almost all times, and all that other stuff you mentioned as wel(obviously its hard to keep track of 24/7 so some of it gets forgotten now and then)
Yknow as i was writing this i was kinda like "i feel like james lost his, james-ness" But i wanted to just get it written and posted and see how others felt, so its very nice to hear ! I WILL be giving that back to him(sorry james ) I just want a better base to embude that characeter back into, and i feel like i can do that with this draft better, vrs going back to the former and trying to clean it up
Also glad to hear that you want more context about the stake out, its another thing i went "Huh this feels lacking" while writing it. So super nice to hear that.
Okay in my head a "thriller" has always been related to "horror" But im starting ti realize that it just means something highstakes or smth. So i think maybe i need to take it out of the Sci-fi catagoty(i put it there because of the tech and some stuff that happens later, but thriller may fit it better)
OKay so yeah, so due to me putting it back to a dual POV (like the ORIGINAL!) things are taking a bit longer. I do think it'd be nice to have a bit more action in the first chapter tho.(honestly i was going to have him bug verena more about him wanting coffee, and it kinda forgot, so i think maybe adding that back in may give a bit more character and banter )
I DO have their wants/ stakes n things written down. I have that from my acting background as very important inforamation, but i shall review those to make sure ive got them at the forefront of things.
Oh also, i hear an interesting tip,(this also is something from my acting background) But having your character want something almost all the time really helps keep things interesting, even if its just a glass of water. It makes them m o v e and f i g h t
Ah okay i love all these questions your throwing at me *Tucks tybalt betraying them in my backpocket*
Also i PROMISE YOU this does have time travel but this is like the introductory mission and it doesn't happen until after this is over(which is soon) But maybe i need to shorten this mission OR cut it. Lot of things to consider. This is basically my "establishing the characters current world and relationship" bit.
Okay so many thoughts. THANK YOU for writing this and taking the time to read this (again) I appreciate it. Let me know when i can read swans again!!
Well look at what got chosen as the final task of the day =D
I get lost the second the bold part hits. Idk how this connects to each other?Hia Lady, I’m looking forward to our new and improved, more competent heroes =D
Something’s not right with this sentence: “What do you figure that tip was a false lead?” Should there be a comma after “what”?
“James popped the lid off the cup, inspecting the inside. Empty.“ Not sure why he does that… he already tried to drink from it and it was empty then too.
Ok it might be the late hour but… what does this sentence try to tell me? O.O
Interesting, these three dots above the T. I kinda imagine them like garden pavilions XD
Ooof styled in style? Maybe you want to think up a different phrasing here? XD “was styled in the Tudor revival style,“
„ Verena spoke as he heard her slide “ you already have “he heard” in the previous sentence. You probably don’t need it here and that would get rid of the repetition :3
“It’s a posh party, not a book club.” They might have tea tho =D =D =D
I like this phrasing: “Things tended to roll that way when you stomped all over someone else’s operation for a day or two.“
Hmm the dialogue goes: “is X informed” “Not that I’ve been informed” and yes that is also a repetition I noticed =D
you need a comma not a period in this dialogue :3
Oh I am already more intrigued by this than the old version. So there is a (rival?) agent on scene and yet Verena still chooses to go in. There is little context to what exactly the MCs are really doing here (other than counter espionage it seems!) but that is completely fine. I want to read on and find out more. Which is precisely what I’m going to do now =D
Have you ever tried “wincing” a sentence? You cant xd that is why we put a period here:
James has the blueprints this time around. Look at how far he’s come :3
Tho idk what you mean by this sentence? “They are now.“ It doesnt seem to serve a good function since Verena asks “you got them”?
Ok I might have overlooked the part but why was the window down in the first place? “James rolled the window up,“ Was it the massive binoculars? It might have been those….
Hmmm it feels like you might be a bit generous with the word “feed” in the later part of the chapter.
While I do appreciate that our main guys are more competent (Scarily competent, I like it!), I feel personality was lost in the interim. I might have complained abt James antics and his lack of knowledge but this time around we barely get to see them as anything but professionals. Barely any quirks and the mission itself is still very vague and therefore hard to get attached to.
Time for the best part! The questionnaire!!
I think the descriptions were fine. I was never lost and they weren’t getting in the way of what was happening.
I am still not sure what the exact mission is but I feel like you could sprinkle that in over the next chapter or so. Something something rival agency (Possibly). We are at least tapped into the government resources so maybe we are spying on a suspected traitor in the government? (I admit I didn’t really get that part ^^°)
Welll how do I feel about James? I am less fond of him this time around. I like that he has stuff to do now. That he really gets to be guy in the chair (Guy in the chair *small pirouette*) and I think that works well enough. I just think he lost… colour and vibrancy in the transition. I’m not sure how serious you want them to take their job bc last time they weren’t very serious at all and now they are hyper serious and that contrast is jarring (especially considering how little time has passed since I read the old version!) I didn’t really get any prominent emotions other than maybe some small and very vague annoyance at the job but other than that the story was mainly focused on the action part. A lot of stuff that he does, not that much abt how he feels while doing it. In general, I would say this is a major flaw in this version. Your Scott Lang does not feel very personable in this one and I think this is also part of what kinda makes the action …less impactful. If we’d get more personality from James in what he sees and how he does things, things would immediately be more interesting. And yes that is a tight rope walk—bubbly characters in serious situations could quickly ruin the serious tone.
Overall I think this is much better than the first version, obviously. You have 2 agent characters that at least both are behaving like professionals this time around. (I also like that there was less grammar to critique XD) and your writing has also massively improved! But without more context on why they are doing this, what specifically made them and no one else come here, I feel… a lot less engaged. I like that we don’t have Verena going to the mansion and coming back to the car and then going to the mansion again this time around. That’s one of the things I rly disliked in the old version. So in general, the start itself is more exciting but …the bar was pretty low ^^° And this time we don’t end on the building burning down and our MCs potentially getting captured! Things just… go very smoothly in a vague mission we don’t understand and that’s not that interesting all things considered.
We also barely get any personality from Verena btw. Yes she complained abt the pop culture references once which is much appreciated but she’s not very present in this one. I like that she clearly trusts James and that you show just why bc he gets to actively help her out… but she also kinda feels like a shadow of herself, somehow? We didn’t really get to see her shine. It kinda feels a bit like anyone could have walked up to that door bc the cameras are on loop?
Ho boi, I made the explanation for the scale question but still I feel kinda paralysed in putting a number to this. I feel like you can do a lot better and part of the reason for getting reviews it getting criticism =D
I’d give this one a 5.6 for how much I liked it.
And for how much I want to read on Hmm.. that is mainly influenced by the old version I read and that you cant help ^^° I think that would be a 6.2. I want to see competent Verena and James handle burning the building down and confronting the evil guy from the old version. In fact, the more I talk abt that and imagine that, the more I want to read it. Let’s bump that up to 7.3! Ohh I do be excited abt that =D
I am so curious abt how you will handle the whole situation this time around. How you introduce the confrontation with the target and if James makes the same mistake yet again and if he is more justified in doing that!
Also I am always available for further questions :3
Ahh yay youve read it! Okay so alll great questinos, all stuff i wanted feedback on so this is great! I shall try and answer these in the order you asked them.
Okay so, to explain this bit " %u201CWhat do you figure that tip was a false lead?%u201D " I suppose I could add a comma after "figure" but i think the sentence still make sense otherwise. But Its basically like "What do you figure" as in "what do you think" Kinda thing.
" %u201CJames popped the lid off the cup, inspecting the inside. Empty.%u201C Not sure why he does that%u2026 he already tried to drink from it and it was empty then too. " Have you ever drunk out of a paper coffee cup, only to find it empty, but your conviced that there must be a last drop at the bottom that just wont get to the tiny opening for you to drink it? Its supposed to be like that kinda thing. But obvisouly, that didnt come across.
Oh and this, i was wondering how this would read, so good to know !! " Framed within the lens was a darkly trimmed window displaying a warm, bright party scene, along with suited and bejeweled guests, was a complete illustration of itself, but he needed a little context. "
OH goodness, yeah styled in style, whoooppps. Gonna reword that haha.
As for the window rolling up, looking through a car window with binoculars is really tricky (glares, or hitting the window with the binoculars and then they hit you in the eye sockets/browbones, all because your depth perception is messed up.) So thats why!
While i was editing/writing this I didnt put as much info or context in about things. I considered adding it in, but i wanted to see how it read first. And i promise we get some of the action back for both james and verena in the second and third chapter! (and the bad guys hehe) The first chapter is really the hook so of course i am glad to hear your thoughts on how intrigued you are of the rest of the story.
Also likling the notes about Verena plus James partnership, I suppose Verenas the more "will and DOES get her hands dirty, and James enables her to do that easier" Like shes able to get to the mansion BECAUSE james put the cameras on loop.
But hey, all this is good to take into consideration, and this is a MUCH better first chapter then my last one. Its also very nice to hear ive improved as writer!
I DO Miss james antic and i want to put some of that "scott lang energy" back into James, and bring verenas personalty out a bit more. (spoiler you WILL be getting dual POVS so you can see inside verenas head next chapter hehe)
oh also a note about Tybalt, hes not a rival agent, more just fufilling his post and own personal mission. Hes directly connected to the Premier at all times. James and Verena have been called in to investigate the mysterious tip. Tybalt and his fantastic redhair cant handle ALL that much on his own haha.
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the vicious S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - James and Verena are on a mission where they’ve got to hijack a mansion. James is going to watch and Verena is going in. Things should go smoothly…but they probably won’t.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Going off of the questions that you ask, I think the descriptions are great, but I would like to know more of what Tybalt looks like besides his hair. Also, what Verena and James look like. But that’s about it! (I guess the cover shows that though)
Chocolate Bar - I like how James wants to just get his coffee and makes pop culture references! This shows that he’s younger than Verena and probably has a bit more optimism than her! On a scale of 0-10 on how much I enjoyed this, I’d say it was a seven, because I found the characters and the plot very entertaining, but the action hasn’t happened…but that will come in another chapter of which, I will rate a 10 because I am very excited for the next chapter!
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a quite promising chapter on the adventures that James and Verena will have! I am excited to see them back in action and I will be sure to read the next chapter whenever you post it! Now, I will wish you…
A gorgeous day/night! ^v^
Hello! Thanks for much for the review! I keep getting people asking for more about tybalt, so i guess i better put the light on him more haha (heck yeah!)
Yayy! ^v^