Cover art for Agents Of Time: Chapter Two; Champagne Problems.

Agents Of Time: Chapter Two; Champagne Problems.

by LadyMysterio

Published January 10, 2026

12+

In AGENTS OF TIME


VICTORA, BC CANADA

GOVERNERS HOUSE GROUNDS

2040.

James stared at the 3D holographic rendering of the mansion as the car shuddered. The red dot representing Verena gave a final blink before it died out.

“What th-” Jame’s earpiece emitted a screech of radio fuzz. He cried out, flinching involuntarily, his body trying to get rid of the earpiece. He fumbled with it, nearly ripping the piercing out.

I’m going to go permanently deaf if I keep up with this job.

He clutched his ear as it continued to ring. The earpiece emitting static, even after he dumped it in the cupholder.

 So much for his communication.

He closed the hologram and pulled up the cameras. Nothing but grey static. No visuals. The cameras would stop looping if his system disconnected.

The car rattled again, as if taunting him.

The last thing he wanted was to be swallowed alive by a sinkhole and trapped in a car. Better to get out and try and track down what was happening. He launched himself between the seats and started opening boxes. What did he need? Anything, everything. The basics would have to do.

He tucked his pistol into the holster hidden under his jacket. Checking off a mental list as he gathered supplies. Gun, flashlight, taser, watch, small grapple. Check, check, check, check.   

The car stilled again. He held his breath. Was it over? Did he overreact? There was no overreaction for safety.

James looked down at his watch and pressed a button on the side, triggering a holographic menu. He toggled a few settings, sending the hologram zapping back into the watch, the black screen now displaying a compass-like arrow. Except this compass didn’t point north; it pointed to his partner. 

The equipment in the car started to rattle again, louder this time. He opened the back hatch and slid out. Checking once and then twice, he’d locked the car. You never knew who was lurking around, and he wasn’t about to leave a car full of expensive equipment unlocked.

The key, yet another integration of his watch, unlocked any car connected to the Agency, and then some. He could snag an easy getaway if he couldn’t get back to his car.

James decided to skip vaulting the fence and ran around to the entrance gate. If his cameras were down, everyone’s would be. Someone was scrambling all communications, and it wasn’t them. He just had to find out who.

His ears picked up the faint wail of sirens in the distance. Likely emergency services alerted to the supposed earthquake emitting from the Governor's house grounds. Not his biggest concern, he could flash a false badge or two and talk his way around them. But it was a situation he’d rather avoid.

The streetlights flickered, setting an eerie mood over the estate as every light flicked off in unison. At least he got to skip hacking the gate mechanics. Without power, he could use the manual switch. An estate like this would have a hefty generator, one that should have switched on the second the power went out. Which meant it or the entire system had been compromised.

James bent down, inspecting one of the motors on the ground near the gate hinge. He should only need to disengage one side in order to- He paused, sensing something behind him. Or rather, someone?

Keeping his body hunched over the gate mechanical, he kept his interest in it. Keeping his breath low and even. Any change in his body language would signal his would-be assailant that he was aware of them. If it was the Torin, as he suspected it was, they wouldn’t hesitate to jump him if they thought he sensed them.

He continued his task, if they wanted to attack him, they’d done it by now, chances are they wanted him to pave a way in, see where he went. As James unhooked the gate from the motor, the ground shook, rattling the metal. The stile that he’d released swung open voluntarily. James took the opportunity to sprint down the driveway. He wouldn’t be able to hear his mysterious shadow, but at least he may be able to gain some distance in the confusion.

The ground shifted beneath and his ankle twisted mid-step, he hit the ground hard. He tucked and rolled, keeping himself in the middle of the driveway, away from anything that could fall. The tremors hadn’t subsided, but they didn’t seem to be getting worse. How long did earthquakes usually last? 

James peered through the smashed windows. What he would give to levitate right now. With the ground shaking, he couldn’t get a clear view through them. He checked his watch again. The arrow was shifting ever so slowly to the right. She was on the move then. He’d turned to run around to the far-right side of the building when another rumble started to bubble up from the ground. 

He ran harder, tripping and stumbling his way over the moving ground. He just had to get to the other side. Just had to get to a door.

Someone shouted behind him, but it was lost in the rustle of leaves.

The earth shuddered violently, a final hurrah to its efforts. Then the air itself seemed to explode.

The world spun around and glazed over. He felt himself shout, but didn’t hear it, lost in a cacophony of ringing.

Reality snapped back the second he collided with the asphalt. He inhaled hard, cold oxygen overwhelming his brain.

Too much air.

He clutched his head, but it didn’t stop the ringing pain. Colours flashed across his eyes like lightning bolts, fading with the pain as he controlled his breath, hands tearing at his shirt buttons, his tie.

Control, he needed control.

 

His vision cleared with each blink. The warmth of the asphalt driveway seeped through his suit jacket.

 The night sky glared down at him, the stars twinkling. Some of them moving lazily across the sky. They almost looked close enough to touch. Pulsing red and orange.

His hand moved slowly to brush the sky, swatting a star away in the process.

Burning his finger.

James sucked another breath in, smoky tendrils contaminating it. Tasting like bittersweet wood and the sea.

Smoke?

He sat up too fast, but even in the wavy world his vison showed him, it was clear what the scene before him was.

The mansion was burning. He rubbed the burn mark on his finger. gritty ash crumbled from it.

The ringing in his ears had long faded, coating everything in a strange form of quiet.

Verena.

James lifted his wrist. The arrow on the scuffed screen still pointed in the same direction. But now it didn’t seem to move. Or maybe it never had. Everything was still now.

Well, expect for the flames eating away at the mansion.

The tongues of fire flickered violently, stealing away his night vision. 

He stood slowly, bruised in too many places. A feeling he knew too well. You got up, you continued, you dulled it out.

Smoke gathered in whisps above his head. The fire was far enough above him that it fell and rose before it touched the ground. At least the smoke wasn’t fighting him. Everything else was.

Slowly stepping forward to test his footing, he gave a slow look around. He didn’t see anybody else. Didn’t hear anybody else. He couldn’t hear anything but the ringing. He screwed a finger in his ear as he walked. The ringing just continued inside his head. He tried the other ear with the same result. Deaf. Great. He was deaf. Ideally, temporarily deaf.

James rounded the corner of the building. There was no sign of the suspected Torin agent who’d been trailing him before. Maybe they’d been hit worse when the building exploded in flames. He scanned the wall of the house. There was indeed a door hanging off its hinges. Bodies-no people, were slowly stirring, crawling away from the building. Recovering from the shock as slowly as James would have liked to.  

 He resisted the urge to stop and check on each of them. They were moving. They were fine. Emergency services would be here in seconds. He passed them, allowing himself a few scans for major injuries.

Yet none of them were Verena. So where was she?

From that point, the path winding through the gardens opened into a lawn and a pool. It swarmed with people, moving slowly in a wave of colour and ash.

The ground grew soft beneath his shoes as he began to walk the perimeter of the shocked guests, searching every human clothed in a black suit for any resemblance of his partner.

He could shout. But his volume control and his ability to hear her reply, was not reliable. Not like shouting out a covert agent’s name was a wise idea, anyway.

If she saw him, she’d find him. 

 Cold water spurted up from the grass. James sputtered and tried to block the spray with his hands. The rich and their obsession with year long green lawns.

 In this case at least it was being useful. With the demeanor of a wet dog, he contained his search. Only encountering patrons in ash-dulled dresses and suits, sporting dazed and scared expressions as they watched the manor burn.

Red and blue lights flickered through the trees. He should have heard the siren.

Where was Verena?

A hand gripped his shoulder from behind, and James spun and stumbled, heel digging into the wet ground. Instinct had him swatting the hand away before he recognized the owner.

Verena, wet and singed, gripping the shoulder of an older man with her freehand. Her mouth formed soundless words. Her jacket and hostler gone, shirt smeared with dirt and soot.

The agency wouldn’t like the evidence of her weapon, hopefully it had melted. Could fires even melt gunmetal?

She moved her mouth again, waving her hand at him.

It was a bad day for communication.

James spoke slowly, gesturing with his hands to his ears. I can’t hear you

Verena’s face wrinkled in confusion, then frustration. She sighed, waved in the direction of the emergency vehicles and then the opposite side of the building, and finally, the car.

Oh, right, the car. He took another glance at the dazed man Verena was keeping off the ground. He seemed, familiar.

Verena brushed past him before James could match the face to a name. He picked up behind her. Flashlights flickered across the lawn as the emergency services members fanned out and assessed the situation. 

James unlocked the car as soon as the roof was in sight over the wall. They’d have to seek out the gate and past the ambulance parked in the drive. Although with everyone else currently y busy with the blaze and the people, they simply walked by.

“unk.” James stopped. What was that sound?

Verena waved at him, miming opening something with her hand while she spoke. “trunk?” Her voice faded in and out like radio on the edge of a signal. But, he heard it. 

He tapped his watch, and the trunk opened. Verena dumped the man inside and stepped around to the passenger side. James opened the driver's side door.

He could drive with impaired hearing, right?

James didn’t have time to figure out the answer as the muzzle of a pistol was stuck in his face. He looked to the handler of the weapon, trying not to focus on the gun barrel lest he go cross-eyed.

The half-masked man seemed to speak to him. To which James raised his hands in mock surrender and faintly heard himself say. “You’re in my car.”

He got a hearty smack in the nose with the metal muzzle of a gun for the comment. “Hey, don’t make me deaf and unable to smell.” He took the few seconds of confusion to size up the gunman.

Male, obviously, not much bigger than James, dressed in tactical cargo pants and a vest, a single-coloured bandana tied around his nose and mouth embroidered with a familiar crest. The Torin.

The infamous rival agency with a century’s long grudge against them that rivaled the Capulets and the Montagues.

He moved his head to peer behind the agent at Verena, but the agent moved with him. Leaving him with only a view of his gun.

James took a slow step back. He’d probably see Verena before he heard her. She’d make a move to disarm the other agent holding her at gunpoint. He just had to wait to use the distraction to disarm him. The gunman was speaking again, loudly, his motions more animated as he became frustrated with James' lack of responsiveness. James picked out words. Premier. Move. Shoot.

The face of the man lying in the back of the car made sense now. The Premier of the province of British Columbia. The whole point of this thing.

The car shifted. James saw a blur in the background as Verena threw her assailant out of the car. The Torin agent's attention shifted over his shoulder. James grabbed the agent's gun, twisting it away and pulling the agent out of the car. Something tapped James’s foot. He ducked and grabbed the gun on the ground as the agent tumbled out of the car, along with his partner.

James moved to the car as he delivered a carefully aimed shot to the agent’s leg. A non-lethal wound that’d stop any pursuit. The locks clicked as James spun the wheel and reversed, pressing the pedal to the floor. The road lined up with the nose of the car seconds later. He kicked it into drive and took off, tires squealing, engine roaring.

So much for staying quiet.

Comments & reviews · 7
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LadyMysterio
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Stickied · LadyMysterio commented Comment · Sep 7

Just a note to myself and future reviewers-
As of Today Sept 6th, 2026 this chapter has been updated and changed

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LadyMysterio
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Stickied · LadyMysterio commented Comment · Jan 10

HI PLEASE KEEP THESE QUESTIONS IN CONSIDERATION WHEN LEAVING A REVIEW!! Thank you :D

How do you feel about the descriptions? Could you follow what was going on? Did you at any point feel lost because of missing information?

How did the action feel? Did it feel dragged or paced well? Did it make sense ?
Did james action make sense? Did his hearing impairment feel impactful? (as in how it was written and progressed, how it effected his actions etc)

While I don't mind you pointing out my grammers/spelling, I WILL catch those things in the future, so I'd prefer stuff that pretains to the story/plot and stuff. If its REALLY bad, you can point it out :D

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Omni
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Omni wrote a review Review · Aug 1

Hey there Lady!~ I'm here for Review Day, I haven't had much time to continue reading but I'm here now ^^

Verena had left the crate resting in an alcove in the hall. It’d served its purpose getting her past the kitchens without questions. If you dressed the part and acted like you were supposed to be there, nobody questioned you.


Verena POV! I know last part I feel like we didn't get all that much personality from James' POV so let's see how this POV is! If there's much more personality here (and I know you said that you're considering merging Chapter 1 and 2) perhaps it would be good to just switch the beginning to Verena's POV.

Your first line, just a small note: "Verena had left the crate resting in an alcove in the hall." <-- remove the "had" to make it more active, it gives the same.

I don't know if its an uncommon thing or a hot take but I find it jarring when I see second person in a third person narrative. This isn't a nitpick, just a suggestion. You could either try:

If she dressed the part and acted like she was supposed to be there, nobody questioned her.

or

If one dressed the part and acted like they were supposed to be there, nobody questioned them


As alternatives. To me, it seems less jarring.

“There you are! You're on break now. I’ll take this. Remember fifteen minutes, no more!”


So, question. If we refer back to your first paragraph, here: "If you dressed the part and acted like you were supposed to be there, nobody questioned you"

The reader's assumption would be for her to act like she was supposed to be here. But, your first action you have Verena do is to act like she doesn't belong there. I'm not sure what purpose this serves for Verena either, because she should have the information she needs for location purposes, right? They have blueprints of the place, and given what I have garnered of Verena's personality, she'd definitely learn the blueprints from front to back?

And then the second part here is going back to what you hinted at the beginning, Verena acting like she fits in. But, awkwardly. Like, I have never been at a job that requires me to take the apron of the person on break. Maybe if you want to merge both the out-of-place bit and blending in bit, you could have Verena act like she's a new hire and ask someone where the break room is, where she then gets an apron there.

The ceiling vaulted upward, curving from the middle downward to meet the walls. She noted the mazzanie that clung to the outer walls of the room. Looking up wasn’t something anyone did naturally unless prompted to. Height was an excellent advantage for people-watching.


The details and descriptions are wonderful here. Very good work, and I can both follow along and follow Verena following along noting the details as she walked through. I still don't know what a mazzanie is (mezzanine?) so if possible, some visual description there would be nice.

Glass clinked as a man took two glasses off her tray, trading them for his empty ones.


Maybe replace the second glass here with drinks? Repeated words, unless intentional, often make the reading choppy.

It gave her a moment to peer out the windows towards where James was parked in the BMW X5


The car model took me out XD as someone who doesn't really keep up with cars (or particularly care about it) this felt like, y'know, when a car pulls up in a show but the camera is right up on the logo in front of the car and it lingers there so you know it's an advertisement to the point your brain loses that suspension of disbelief and stops focusing on the show and instead you're like "oh this is a car ad in my show." That's kinda how this feels to me -- like it's so out of place it's jarring. We've had general, generic descriptions of things up until this point, but now we have both a brand and model for some reason, and I think the reason is because you like cars and not that it serves the story -- at least for me.

Okay, I'm at the end! I'll admit, I'm a bit confused as to the direction you went here. The end of this chapter just left me with a lot of questions that aren't just me being curious as to where this is heading. I'm still not sure what the blinking red dot from Chapter One was as it's not addressed at all in this chapter.

I appreciate your descriptions of the quakes and followed along, but I'm not sure why Verena is all of a sudden taking this man out of the room. (Yes, I know that it's because of the quakes) So we know the Premier (or Primer as you put here once >.> ) is important and the reason why Verena is here but we don't know why. Does he die here? Does he get assassinated, or is he crushed by something falling on him? Traditionally, you'd set up the quakes for them to become relevant later on but not an issue right now, and you'd set up something being high up for it to be relevant later. From that latter point, I was assuming Verena would notice something suspicious in the top part of the ballroom and then guide the Premier out of the ballroom.

Going back to the point at the beginning of the chapter "If you dressed the part and acted like you were supposed to be there, nobody questioned you." it saddens me that Verena has now broke her cover not even a scene after she got the cover, especially when a lot of this chapter is about her getting her cover. I feel like this would have landed better if Verena were perhaps guiding the Premier out of the ballroom using her cover. Maybe she tells the Premier that there is an exclusive taste testing room or something.

I am also feeling like Verena is being undermined in her own introduction chapter by having Tybalt point out the Premier before she could notice him. There's no reaction from her about this, so does this happen often? Or is she new and just not as experienced/quick to notice than Tybalt? From both the point that of course Tybalt is here and now this, I've gotten a lot that Tybalt is experienced which is fine, but this second part feels like it establishes Tybalt's character at the detriment of Verena's character.

Overall I'm left with a lot of questions that I assume some will get answered naturally, but I enjoyed this chapter a lot! We get more out of Verena than we did James last chapter. Can't wait to read more!

Omni replied · Aug 1

Also I want to note that your lit work folder for the series is out of order. For me, the next chapter is Chapter One, and then Chapter Twenty?

LadyMysterio replied · Aug 1

AHH REVIEW. Thank you! Also yes, for some dang reason my chapters went all out of order after the update and I haven't rearranged them yet. DO NOT READ CHAPTER TWENTY YET that's the last one. Spoilers!

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Tikaya
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Tikaya wrote a review Review · Apr 11

Good morning lady! Random chance finally found your story =D

I reread chapter 1 to get properly in the mood so let’s see what type of obstacles Verena’s going to face! It’s gonna be my first time experiencing her POV, exciting!

I like this sentiment: “ If you dressed the part and acted like you were supposed to be there, nobody questioned you.“

I had to read this sentence twice to get that there’s a comma missing after “whisked by” XD “A woman carrying an empty tray whisked by her face set in stone, lost in work.”

Also, may I also direct your attention here? Punctuation within Dialogue
It will make me very happy if you fix the dialogue formatting. Otherwise, I will always be pulled out of the story for a moment @.@

Hmm I am a bit confused about what exactly the woman thought her to be? A lost guest which is why she directed her toward the main hall? But then the server thinks she’s a worker bee just like he is? She’s wearing a formal suit, according to last chapter… so I guess it could serve as both? Guest wear and servant wear?

I wish we knew why she would get rid of her gun. I mean… It’s probably so that she’s not found out but I just wish we heard more of her internal commentary. She’s just doing things. She’s not having reactions, no thoughts ☹

I do love James’ intermission tho :3

Hmm I see why you had her talk to the woman first, but I feel like this is developing into the same problem as the old chapter 1. (Verena going to the mansion, coming back to the car and then going back to the mansion)
Right now. Verena asks the woman, heads into the hallway, flags down the server, goes to the kitchen and goes back to the hallway. Which is a bit repetitive, even if all the steps she took are logical. Maybe you could streamline this? Maybe by having her observe the kitchen staff and realizing on her own where they went? It could come with internal commentary showing us how awesome she is =D
(I do like how quick on her feet she is when talking to ppl! Easily slipping into different roles and getting what she wants!)

I like how this easily shows that she trusts him: “it wasn’t visible from here. But he was there, waiting and ready“

I also like how you describe this shutter thing and the uneasy reactions to it! Works rly well!
That said “The shutter vanished” was v confusing to me because… I always thought vanishing would be a visual act. So I was like “what shutter? Is shutter a physical thing after all, like a grate or camera shutter?” But I think you mean that the tremor thingy stopped right?

Lol! Sehr gut! “The only person in this room doing her job, apparently.”

That is a much better end to the chapter than Ch1 =D

The descriptions were on point. I think I know exactly where everyone was and what everything looked like (Except maybe what Verena was wearing specifically). Tho I kept missing Verena’s internal monologue. She was a lot more present than last chapter and I really like her but I wish there was even more of her xd

Well the thing is, if you copy my questions you could at least fit them to your story xd This is no longer the start of the story is it not?
I think things are getting reasonably exciting now! I do wonder if the earthquake is really part of the tip or just a coincidence working well for the bad guys…
Aside from the hallway roundabout, I didn’t feel this was boring at all :3

As for how much I liked it, I would give it a solid 7.2! Would be bumped up with more explanations on why Verena is doing things and also maybe a bigger explanation of what the agency is even doing here.

The next chapter is a James chapter? I think I prefer Verena XD So I guess I will give a 6.8 for how much I want to read the next one~

Have a great day!

PS: Don't forget to add the next chapter to the April Tombola XD

LadyMysterio replied · Jun 1

HI, I reply like months later lol. Reading this again I think I got sidetracked by the link you gave me lol. Very helpful! I know I learned all this in school but clearly somehow it got lost along the way and none of my teachers seemed to pick up on it.m. not sure how.. ANYWAY

All good questions, I'll make this server part clearer. Yes Verena is in a suit, but with this being a formal event, the servers would wear white dress shirts and black slacks, aka why Verena discards her jacket, so she matches them. She discards her gun because it was hidden underneath her jacket, with out the jackets it's exposed.


And yes by shutter I mean tremors. Like "she shuttered"(of course, now I'm questioning if that's even a word to be used likes that)

I do add more of Verenas internal thoughts, I think it took me a bit to feel out her character inside her head, but as the story goes on I wrote more. So now I just needed to add that into the rest lol.

I think that about answers things! And thanks again for the review :)

Aspawn replied · Jun 9

Hey, just a side note: I think the word is "shudder", not "shutter"

LadyMysterio replied · Jun 9

You're right!!! I kept looking at the word going "something feels off, but it's spelled right?" That's what it was! Thank you.

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Kaia
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Kaia wrote a review Review · Jan 17

I said I'd be back so here I am!
Hmmm I really wasnt expecting the POV to change. I miss James.Verena doesnt interest me quite as much. I also feel like the style has changed too. Perhaps fittingly though because we have a different main character. This style seems a lot more carefree and you get more energy and less mysterious nessacito from it. Perhaps its the more informal tone. I kind of miss the more mysterious edge James was able to provide, but Ill just have to see where we're going with this.

I love how versatile Verena is! She can go from pretending she's a distraught guest lost in a big mansion to getting into servers mode. I thought the part about how she got the disguise is wonderfully done, particularly the part about the apron and her insisting that the server needs to go on break despite his utter confusion. However, like I mentioned in the last draft, I would love to know more about how Verena is dressed and how that can make her simultaneously a guest and server (with an apron popped on of course). Is it a simple black dress? Or something more elaborate? I'd just like to see more of her full costume. Edit: I think that adding that stuff earlier would be helpful. I see you mentioned a little bit of her costume later on.

Also the servers tired and almost sarcastic responses in the beginning were quite on point! And the second one just seems so confused. I love the contrast. Verena seemed to know just who to get what from?

Okay, glad to see James is back! Although, maybe a codeword to get him on track would be better? It just seems like she's had a lot of conversations with other people and James never once thought that any of that pertained to him. It could also be a manner of speaking though. Like if she says "hey" in a really soft or loud tone or with a funky accent or something that could cue James in. Idk. Just a thought.

Also this is gonna sound weird but I love your useage of "stripped" when Verena was taking off her coat. It gives a sense of urgency that I feel like wasnt there previously. I like strong verbs.

Okay, now at this point I have another question. Could it be that Verena was disguising herself as a server from the beginning? See Im worried the first server that she ran into is gonna turn her in if she thinks that she doesnt belong there if she finds her in servers clothing after initially posing as a guest? Idk. Just another thought.

I liked the discussion between Tybalt and Verena. There was obvious connection between the two as colleagues but nothing too obvious played out.

The tremors are very well described. Especially in the way that you selected slightly different things to describe each time they occurred. Honestly, the desceptions were so seamless that I can easily find myself there. The noise, lightning and elegance of the place really shines through your words. Well done!

Now about the Primer. He needs to be protected apparently, but from what? Hmm...we shall see..

I will say that I would have appreciated a little more description of the chaos. I think darkness would add to the confusion too. And noise. People are likely going to be freaking out, and they tend to be loud when they panic. I felt like the scene was presented as too calm for Verena to be able to pretty much kidnap this man.

That aside. I feel bad for the Primer he is evidently an anxious person and some random lady just took off with him ao he's probably pretty unsettled.

And now Verena has lost connection to James too! Also well done. Especially with her ripping the earpiece out because of the noise. The frustration is definitely sensed and that adds to the believability of the situation.

Overall thoughts: I feel like the tension needs to be built in some more. I know Verena is a confident person, but I feel like for added realism, adding a bit of nervousness might help. I felt like I wasnt able to get into her mind as much and neither was she left to be a particularly mysterious person which might have to do with the style change. The descriptions as I mentioned were really good! Much improved. I liked how you had some description and then some action with Verena and then some more description vs having several paragraphs blocked out for just description.

Anyway, thats it for now! How this helps! You're free to attach a question below if you need me to elaborate on something!

LadyMysterio replied · Jun 1

KAIAAAA, sorry for the late reply. I was absolutely ecstatic to see you review this!!

Yeah personally James is my favorite too lol.

I'm seeing a few people he confused about verenas outfit, so I will clear that up in edits. She is wearing a suit. Which is how she blends in as a server. Take the jacket off and add an apron and you kinda look like a waiter!

Ooh a codeword is a really good idea. I was kinda stuck on that part too.

Good point about the other server finding her out. Maybe I'll add another layer to her disguise that'll fix that.

I'm sooo glad the tremors description was nice and readable!! It was a challenge to not keep just describing it the same way over and over lol

Humm and chaos, yes, chaos would be good. Gotta throw em down curve balls haha.

And, I mentioned this to tika in their review above, but it took me a while to kinda get into verenas head, but we get more of her inside thoughts as the story goes on. I just gotta come and add that to the start now.

Thanks again for the review!

Kaia replied · Jun 1

Aw you welcome! Glad some of my insights were helpful!!

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Messenger
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Messenger wrote a review Review · Jan 14

I am baaaack

The main thing that comes to me is that Verena should he better prepared. I mentioned this in my previous review, but why isnt she just planning on going incognito in the first place? Why not even be a part of the wait staff in the lead up so that she was able to find out a lot of stuff like the layout. Also, she has a blueprint of the manor- why is she asking directions? Also, if she's beautiful why not pose as a guest?
If the Premier has no security, why? And why couldn't James pick that out from the stakeout point. Seems kind of useless to be overwatch if they they didn't gather much of any information and cant see into the house very well. Also, if he does have security, Verena is definitely about to get dog piled right? Just grabbing the premier during an earthquake?
I think this could work better as the opening chapter. It's got a much faster pace and with some changes to how we are fed info about why she's there, it could serve better to explain what's going on.
I still think this needs to end with a boom. If there is still an explosion, it needs to happen at the end of this chapter. I also think this could be a longer chapter where you flesh out James a bit over comms and give more details to the mission.
I would spell out BC just to be absolutely clear.
What is with Tybalt? He barely shows up again? Is he important?
When cutting off dialogue, pick the middle of the final word.
I.e "Champagne?"
"Yes, tha-" The room shuddered again.

~Messy

LadyMysterio replied · Jun 1

Hi, uh really Kate reply but apparently I didn't reply to ANYBODYS review on this chapter and that can't stand, so yeah, hi from up over too of the Atlantic ocean(I'm in a plane)
Why ain't she planning to go ignoito in the first place? Good question! This is supposed to be a stakeout, aka a sort of scout the area, be the back up plan, sorta thing. Not a specific undercover mission. But hey, maybe that needs to be amended.
The Premier DOES have security, but they're not very good security. At least by Verena standards.

See, I DO want the boom at the end of the chapter, I just gotta figure out how to make it work lol. I think I'll experiment w seeing how this could work as a first, longer chapter.

Man, the people really like tybalt lol. Good thing. Cuz I enjoy writing him.

creeperfeverdreams wrote a review Review · Jan 12

Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the scary S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - Verena breaks into the mansion, pretending to be a servant, giving Tybalt a drink and ready to be on action, just like in Mission: Impossible!

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - In regards to your comment, this is only the second chapter and as of right now, I do not have recommendations. But! I will keep this in mind when reviewing the story!

Chocolate Bar - The emotion that I felt was anticipation for what Verena would do next and joy at how she interacted with Tybalt and James, I get the vibes that she is very close with them both. The main character in this chapter? I really like her, she stands on business. I think my favorite part was how Verena was able to think up of lies to tell the servants, it shows that she’s quick-thinking, which will help her on missions!


Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a very energy-filled chapter teetering on the edge of turning into something that could really let action boil through, I’d say that on a scale of 0-10, I enjoyed this chapter on number 8 and on a scale of how excited I am for the next chapter, I’d say 10! Now…

I wish you a fabulous day/night!



Who knew Kansas City had its own branch of the Yakuza?
— Jason Sudeikis