Verena had left the crate resting in an alcove in the hall. It’d served its purpose getting her past the kitchens without questions. If you dressed the part and acted like you were supposed to be there, nobody questioned you.
Now she just had to find her way out of the staff halls and into the main residence. A woman carrying an empty tray whisked by her face set in stone, lost in work.
“Oh, uhm, excuse me?” Verena called after her.
The woman turned, a smile pasted on her face. “Yes?”
“Hi uhm, so sorry, but I left to go to the washrooms, and I can’t seem to find the way back. I thought it was that way, uhm, but now I’m here!” Verena twisted her hands in mock anxiety.
The server jerked her chin toward the hall she’d just come from. “Follow that, take the second left and once you see carpet you can follow the music back.”
“Oh my goodness, thank you so much. This place is a maze.”
“Don’t I know it.” The server mumbled as she turned back to her task.
Verena started off down the hall, shortly encountering a fresh-faced server with an empty tray. They certainly kept a steady stream of food going. She stopped him, reaching for his tray as confusion registered on his features. “There you are! You're on break now. I’ll take this. Remember fifteen minutes, no more!”
“I-Uh-” The server stuttered, hands now empty.
“Give me your apron.”
When he continued to stare at her dumbfounded, she insisted harder. “Apron!"
The second the server pressed the apron in her hand; she tucked the tray under her arm and shooed him away. He stumbled off the direction he’d come, in search of an empty room, likely. While Verena marched back towards the kitchen.
Now she just had to wait for the other server to vacate the kitchen. She ducked around a corner, stripping off her suit jacket and tie, folding her holster and gun into them, then stashed them under a curtain in a cart.
“Hey,” she said.
James’ voice crackled through her ear. “Hay is for horses.”
“Mark this location for me.”
“Done.”
She wrapped the apron around her waist and untangled her braids, dark hair framing her face. That’d do for now.
The woman she’d talked to moments earlier passed the alcove, balancing a tray full of d’oeuvres. Hearing no other footsteps approaching, she filed in behind the last server who’d stepped into the kitchen. He swapped his empty tray for a full one. Verena copied him, but she grabbed a tray of champagne glasses instead of food.
The music did indeed lead her to the party rooms. An upbeat live band playing an assortment of cult classics thrummed through the walls. Keeping half an eye on the back of the server in front of her, she took the time to survey her surroundings.
The hall opened onto an intersection. Coffered white ceiling signaled the elegant age of the building, accented by stained and polished wood pillars and beams. A short, wide staircase led down to the front entry doors, while two others curved up to the second level on either side. She turned her back to the entrance doors, facing a wide pair of double doors that stood open, revealing a ballroom bustling with noise and movement.
The ceiling vaulted upward, curving from the middle downward to meet the walls. She noted the mazzanie that clung to the outer walls of the room. Looking up wasn’t something anyone did naturally unless prompted to. Height was an excellent advantage for people-watching.
Verena stepped to the right, tucking one hand behind her back as she balanced the tray with the other, deftly weaving through groups of people. She counted three large, framed windows on the front-facing wall, and five large bay windows on the curved lengthwise wall. For a building that’d been rebuilt a handful of times, it sure didn’t look like it.
Glass clinked as a man took two glasses off her tray, trading them for his empty ones. It gave her a moment to peer out the windows towards where James was parked in the BMW X5. Behind the stone wall and trees; it wasn’t visible from here. But he was there, waiting and ready.
Red hair caught her eye, and she supressed a smile. Tybalt had found her. “Champane sir?” She offered the tray.
“Thank you.” He took a glass and sipped it, then casually glanced around as he spoke. “You know who would appreciate some champagne?” His gaze settled across the room, and Verena followed it.
Ah, the Premier.
The nervous-looking man was trapped in a conversation with two other men. Without another word to Tybalt, she stepped in his direction. Halfway there she slowed; something shuttered up from below. The chandeliers tinkled gently, and the liquid in her glass swayed. The band didn’t falter, but a slight murmur rose and fell across the room.
The shutter vanished, and everything stood still again. They’d been informed that it wasn’t uncommon for small quakes to bubble up in this area. Victoria, BC, lay near a major fault line. Likely just a small offshore quake. Still, she kept alert, for all she knew this could be some part of the tip they’d received.
Quickening her steps, she reached the
Primer, sliding herself in-between him and the men with her tray; she spoke
clearly and firmly.
“Champagne?”
“I-” The white-haired man didn’t get a full word out before the room shook again. The chandeliers above clashed together, glasses and plates rattled. Then it was over.
Murmurs rose again, concern questions bounced around, people shied away from anything that could fall on them, while some wandered to the windows as if the outside would provide an answer.
The lights flickered ominously, and another rumble started to build up beneath her feet.
She whirled, scanning the surrounding crowd.
Where the heck were this man’s bodyguards?
Verena shoved the tray into the arms of one of the men who’d been conversing with the Premier, a dark-haired man with a puffed-out chest. She grabbed the Premiers arm, taking advantage of the confusion in the room. “Sir, we need to get you out of here, now-” noise drowned out her voice as she started pulling the Premier towards the doors.
Everything was shaking. The chandeliers
rocked, threatening to fall, even her bones felt like they were rattling within
her.
“I-Who are you?” The Premier stumbled along with her.
“The only person in this room doing her job, apparently.”
The crowd convulsed, people pushing and shoving in an effort to get out. Closing her path to the door.
Verena glanced out the windows. She needed to know what was going on outside this place. Now.
“James?” Her earpiece only fuzzed in response. “James. Can. You. Hear. me?” A high-pitched squeal erupted in her ear. Her head involutedly flinched down to her shoulder. She tore the earpiece out and shoved it in her pocket.
She had to get out, now.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
HI PLEASE KEEP THESE QUESTIONS IN CONSIDERATION WHEN LEAVING A REVIEW!! Thank you
How do you feel about the descriptions? Could you follow what was going on? Did you at any point feel lost because of missing information?
Emotions… Where there any in the text? How do you feel about the Main Character?
Did you feel like this was an exciting start to a story? Was it boring at any point?
On a scale of 0 to 10 with 5 being neutral, how much did you enjoy the chapter?
On a scale of 0 to 10 how much do you want to read the next chapter?
While I don't mind you pointing out my grammers/spelling, I WILL catch those things in the future, so I'd prefer stuff that pretains to the story/plot and stuff. If its REALLY bad, you can point it out
Good morning lady! Random chance finally found your story =D
I reread chapter 1 to get properly in the mood so let’s see what type of obstacles Verena’s going to face! It’s gonna be my first time experiencing her POV, exciting!
I like this sentiment: “ If you dressed the part and acted like you were supposed to be there, nobody questioned you.“
I had to read this sentence twice to get that there’s a comma missing after “whisked by” XD “A woman carrying an empty tray whisked by her face set in stone, lost in work.”
Also, may I also direct your attention here? Punctuation within Dialogue
It will make me very happy if you fix the dialogue formatting. Otherwise, I will always be pulled out of the story for a moment @.@
Hmm I am a bit confused about what exactly the woman thought her to be? A lost guest which is why she directed her toward the main hall? But then the server thinks she’s a worker bee just like he is? She’s wearing a formal suit, according to last chapter… so I guess it could serve as both? Guest wear and servant wear?
I wish we knew why she would get rid of her gun. I mean… It’s probably so that she’s not found out but I just wish we heard more of her internal commentary. She’s just doing things. She’s not having reactions, no thoughts ☹
I do love James’ intermission tho :3
Hmm I see why you had her talk to the woman first, but I feel like this is developing into the same problem as the old chapter 1. (Verena going to the mansion, coming back to the car and then going back to the mansion)
Right now. Verena asks the woman, heads into the hallway, flags down the server, goes to the kitchen and goes back to the hallway. Which is a bit repetitive, even if all the steps she took are logical. Maybe you could streamline this? Maybe by having her observe the kitchen staff and realizing on her own where they went? It could come with internal commentary showing us how awesome she is =D
(I do like how quick on her feet she is when talking to ppl! Easily slipping into different roles and getting what she wants!)
I like how this easily shows that she trusts him: “it wasn’t visible from here. But he was there, waiting and ready“
I also like how you describe this shutter thing and the uneasy reactions to it! Works rly well!
That said “The shutter vanished” was v confusing to me because… I always thought vanishing would be a visual act. So I was like “what shutter? Is shutter a physical thing after all, like a grate or camera shutter?” But I think you mean that the tremor thingy stopped right?
Lol! Sehr gut! “The only person in this room doing her job, apparently.”
That is a much better end to the chapter than Ch1 =D
The descriptions were on point. I think I know exactly where everyone was and what everything looked like (Except maybe what Verena was wearing specifically). Tho I kept missing Verena’s internal monologue. She was a lot more present than last chapter and I really like her but I wish there was even more of her xd
Well the thing is, if you copy my questions you could at least fit them to your story xd This is no longer the start of the story is it not?
I think things are getting reasonably exciting now! I do wonder if the earthquake is really part of the tip or just a coincidence working well for the bad guys…
Aside from the hallway roundabout, I didn’t feel this was boring at all :3
As for how much I liked it, I would give it a solid 7.2! Would be bumped up with more explanations on why Verena is doing things and also maybe a bigger explanation of what the agency is even doing here.
The next chapter is a James chapter? I think I prefer Verena XD So I guess I will give a 6.8 for how much I want to read the next one~
Have a great day!
PS: Don't forget to add the next chapter to the April Tombola XD
HI, I reply like months later lol. Reading this again I think I got sidetracked by the link you gave me lol. Very helpful! I know I learned all this in school but clearly somehow it got lost along the way and none of my teachers seemed to pick up on it.m. not sure how.. ANYWAY
All good questions, I'll make this server part clearer. Yes Verena is in a suit, but with this being a formal event, the servers would wear white dress shirts and black slacks, aka why Verena discards her jacket, so she matches them. She discards her gun because it was hidden underneath her jacket, with out the jackets it's exposed.
And yes by shutter I mean tremors. Like "she shuttered"(of course, now I'm questioning if that's even a word to be used likes that)
I do add more of Verenas internal thoughts, I think it took me a bit to feel out her character inside her head, but as the story goes on I wrote more. So now I just needed to add that into the rest lol.
I think that about answers things! And thanks again for the review
Hey, just a side note: I think the word is "shudder", not "shutter"
You're right!!! I kept looking at the word going "something feels off, but it's spelled right?" That's what it was! Thank you.
I said I'd be back so here I am!
Hmmm I really wasnt expecting the POV to change. I miss James.Verena doesnt interest me quite as much. I also feel like the style has changed too. Perhaps fittingly though because we have a different main character. This style seems a lot more carefree and you get more energy and less mysterious nessacito from it. Perhaps its the more informal tone. I kind of miss the more mysterious edge James was able to provide, but Ill just have to see where we're going with this.
I love how versatile Verena is! She can go from pretending she's a distraught guest lost in a big mansion to getting into servers mode. I thought the part about how she got the disguise is wonderfully done, particularly the part about the apron and her insisting that the server needs to go on break despite his utter confusion. However, like I mentioned in the last draft, I would love to know more about how Verena is dressed and how that can make her simultaneously a guest and server (with an apron popped on of course). Is it a simple black dress? Or something more elaborate? I'd just like to see more of her full costume. Edit: I think that adding that stuff earlier would be helpful. I see you mentioned a little bit of her costume later on.
Also the servers tired and almost sarcastic responses in the beginning were quite on point! And the second one just seems so confused. I love the contrast. Verena seemed to know just who to get what from?
Okay, glad to see James is back! Although, maybe a codeword to get him on track would be better? It just seems like she's had a lot of conversations with other people and James never once thought that any of that pertained to him. It could also be a manner of speaking though. Like if she says "hey" in a really soft or loud tone or with a funky accent or something that could cue James in. Idk. Just a thought.
Also this is gonna sound weird but I love your useage of "stripped" when Verena was taking off her coat. It gives a sense of urgency that I feel like wasnt there previously. I like strong verbs.
Okay, now at this point I have another question. Could it be that Verena was disguising herself as a server from the beginning? See Im worried the first server that she ran into is gonna turn her in if she thinks that she doesnt belong there if she finds her in servers clothing after initially posing as a guest? Idk. Just another thought.
I liked the discussion between Tybalt and Verena. There was obvious connection between the two as colleagues but nothing too obvious played out.
The tremors are very well described. Especially in the way that you selected slightly different things to describe each time they occurred. Honestly, the desceptions were so seamless that I can easily find myself there. The noise, lightning and elegance of the place really shines through your words. Well done!
Now about the Primer. He needs to be protected apparently, but from what? Hmm...we shall see..
I will say that I would have appreciated a little more description of the chaos. I think darkness would add to the confusion too. And noise. People are likely going to be freaking out, and they tend to be loud when they panic. I felt like the scene was presented as too calm for Verena to be able to pretty much kidnap this man.
That aside. I feel bad for the Primer he is evidently an anxious person and some random lady just took off with him ao he's probably pretty unsettled.
And now Verena has lost connection to James too! Also well done. Especially with her ripping the earpiece out because of the noise. The frustration is definitely sensed and that adds to the believability of the situation.
Overall thoughts: I feel like the tension needs to be built in some more. I know Verena is a confident person, but I feel like for added realism, adding a bit of nervousness might help. I felt like I wasnt able to get into her mind as much and neither was she left to be a particularly mysterious person which might have to do with the style change. The descriptions as I mentioned were really good! Much improved. I liked how you had some description and then some action with Verena and then some more description vs having several paragraphs blocked out for just description.
Anyway, thats it for now! How this helps! You're free to attach a question below if you need me to elaborate on something!
KAIAAAA, sorry for the late reply. I was absolutely ecstatic to see you review this!!
Yeah personally James is my favorite too lol.
I'm seeing a few people he confused about verenas outfit, so I will clear that up in edits. She is wearing a suit. Which is how she blends in as a server. Take the jacket off and add an apron and you kinda look like a waiter!
Ooh a codeword is a really good idea. I was kinda stuck on that part too.
Good point about the other server finding her out. Maybe I'll add another layer to her disguise that'll fix that.
I'm sooo glad the tremors description was nice and readable!! It was a challenge to not keep just describing it the same way over and over lol
Humm and chaos, yes, chaos would be good. Gotta throw em down curve balls haha.
And, I mentioned this to tika in their review above, but it took me a while to kinda get into verenas head, but we get more of her inside thoughts as the story goes on. I just gotta come and add that to the start now.
Thanks again for the review!
Aw you welcome! Glad some of my insights were helpful!!
I am baaaack
The main thing that comes to me is that Verena should he better prepared. I mentioned this in my previous review, but why isnt she just planning on going incognito in the first place? Why not even be a part of the wait staff in the lead up so that she was able to find out a lot of stuff like the layout. Also, she has a blueprint of the manor- why is she asking directions? Also, if she's beautiful why not pose as a guest?
If the Premier has no security, why? And why couldn't James pick that out from the stakeout point. Seems kind of useless to be overwatch if they they didn't gather much of any information and cant see into the house very well. Also, if he does have security, Verena is definitely about to get dog piled right? Just grabbing the premier during an earthquake?
I think this could work better as the opening chapter. It's got a much faster pace and with some changes to how we are fed info about why she's there, it could serve better to explain what's going on.
I still think this needs to end with a boom. If there is still an explosion, it needs to happen at the end of this chapter. I also think this could be a longer chapter where you flesh out James a bit over comms and give more details to the mission.
I would spell out BC just to be absolutely clear.
What is with Tybalt? He barely shows up again? Is he important?
When cutting off dialogue, pick the middle of the final word.
I.e "Champagne?"
"Yes, tha-" The room shuddered again.
~Messy
Hi, uh really Kate reply but apparently I didn't reply to ANYBODYS review on this chapter and that can't stand, so yeah, hi from up over too of the Atlantic ocean(I'm in a plane)
Why ain't she planning to go ignoito in the first place? Good question! This is supposed to be a stakeout, aka a sort of scout the area, be the back up plan, sorta thing. Not a specific undercover mission. But hey, maybe that needs to be amended.
The Premier DOES have security, but they're not very good security. At least by Verena standards.
See, I DO want the boom at the end of the chapter, I just gotta figure out how to make it work lol. I think I'll experiment w seeing how this could work as a first, longer chapter.
Man, the people really like tybalt lol. Good thing. Cuz I enjoy writing him.
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the scary S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Verena breaks into the mansion, pretending to be a servant, giving Tybalt a drink and ready to be on action, just like in Mission: Impossible!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - In regards to your comment, this is only the second chapter and as of right now, I do not have recommendations. But! I will keep this in mind when reviewing the story!
Chocolate Bar - The emotion that I felt was anticipation for what Verena would do next and joy at how she interacted with Tybalt and James, I get the vibes that she is very close with them both. The main character in this chapter? I really like her, she stands on business. I think my favorite part was how Verena was able to think up of lies to tell the servants, it shows that she’s quick-thinking, which will help her on missions!
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a very energy-filled chapter teetering on the edge of turning into something that could really let action boil through, I’d say that on a scale of 0-10, I enjoyed this chapter on number 8 and on a scale of how excited I am for the next chapter, I’d say 10! Now…
I wish you a fabulous day/night!