Siren was growing tired. The sky was already turning red behind the trees and she had been riding since noon without rest. She tried to disguise a yawn behind her hand, but of course, Anton noticed.
“Would you like to take a break, Lady Alrune?” he asked as he slowed his horse to walk with her. His bright red hair swished with each step of his mount.
“No, thank you. The next town isn’t far, right? I can keep going.” Siren wasn’t going to give in that easily. She wouldn’t be the first to complain. She was tougher than that.
Creases formed between Anton’s brows. “Are you sure, my lady? We’ve been riding since noon without rest.”
Oh, Anton. How do you always know what I’m thinking? “I said I’m fine. Though I am getting hungry. Do you have any more of those biscuits?” She turned her bright blue eyes to him and gave him her best puppy dog look.
Anton blushed and looked away. “Oh, yes, my lady, but they’re in the Captain’s saddle bags. Hang on, I’ll go get them for you.”
“No, that’s fine.” Siren cursed herself. She wasn’t going to beg for food when everyone else was still moving. She was far more dignified than that. Her stomach growled.
“Are you sure—“
“I’m fine, Anton. I would feel terrible holding everyone else up.” She gave him her most convincing smile, which was indeed quite convincing. Anton looked like he wanted to protest further, but he finally turned his eyes back to the road.
“We should arrive in Dunswallow very soon. With any luck we can make it before we run out of daylight,” He said, staring at his reins. “After that it’s another two days to Lakehallow... Have you… have you decided how you’ll negotiate with the Order yet?”
Siren glanced up at him, but he was still studying his reins. It wasn’t like Anton to ask about political matters. “Where did that question come from?”
“Nowhere, my lady, I was only curious.”
“Oh, come on Anton, you can tell me.” She gave him her puppy eyes again. She had been using those a lot lately, so she’d have to be careful. If she used them too much they’d wear out.
Anton hesitated. “Well…”
“Hmm?”
He fiddled with the reins a bit, then spoke quietly. “It’s just the priest that came to visit your parents…I’m not sure. There was something about him that didn’t seem entirely… honest.”
Siren’s mouth fell open a bit, and Anton rushed on.
“I don’t mean to speak ill of him, of course. I know the Holy Order are protectors of the land and are working their hardest to drive the villainy of mages from our kingdom. I believe in him wholeheartedly, but,” Anton paused and lowered his voice even further, “I get a bad feeling from him.”
Siren blinked. Then she blinked again. “Huh?” She made a horribly ineloquent sound and gaped openly at Anton.
His gaze flicked between the members of their party. “My apologies, my lady. Please, don’t mind me.” He started to pull his horse away.
Siren snapped back to herself. “Anton!” She tried to call him back, but just then she was interrupted by a shout from Captain Neil at the front of the party.
“That’s it over there, Dunswallow!” He looked back at Siren. “Lady Alrune, the inn isn’t far. Hold out for another hour or so.”
No time to interrogate Anton now. Siren pulled her shoulders back and tried to speak with some authority. “Very well. Thank you, Captain.”
“No need to thank me, my lady.” He turned back to the front as the group emerged from the woods and marched past the outlying farms. From this distance the town looked pretty much identical to every other village where Siren and her entourage had stopped. A few small buildings clustered together around a couple of larger ones, probably the town hall, a church, and a tavern, but most of the population lived in on the small farms that surrounded it.
Anton avoided Siren for the remainder of the ride. She tried to catch his attention, tried to ask what was wrong, but she never got the chance. How could he speak of a representative of the Order that way? She could always order him to explain himself, but she knew that if he were caught speaking blasphemy of a priest it could end poorly for him. She kept her questions. Crop fields passed and the sun finally dipped below the horizon, and Anton still wouldn’t meet her eye.
Eventually, the group reached the town center, passing by small workshops and stores. They dismounted in front of one of the two-story buildings. A tavern, Siren supposed. It didn’t look too shabby compared to some of the other inns Siren had had to stay at during her travels. A stable hand ran up and offered to take their horses, which was more than the previous inn could say.
Siren strode up to the door of the tavern, but before she could open it, Captain Neil put a hand on her arm. “My lady, could you please wait for a moment. I’d like to look into something before you enter.”
“What is it? This is just like every other tavern we’ve stopped in.”
“It’s just very quiet. I’ll book our rooms, my lady. Don’t fret over it.”
Captain Neil and a couple of his men vanished into the tavern. As the door shut behind them, Siren curiously listened for the laughter and rowdy chatter that normally surrounded anything containing alcohol. True to the Captain’s word, everything was very quiet and still. It put Siren on edge and she began to wish she hadn’t so readily given away her horse. Forgetting their earlier conversation, she edged a little closer to Anton.
The last of the daylight was fading when Neil and his men and reemerged from the inn. Siren started violently when the door swung open again and had to take a few deep breaths to calm her nerves.
“I have our rooms all set up, my lady.” Neil spoke quietly, his brows drawn together over his eyes.
“What is it? Captain?”
“We’ll talk later, my lady. For now you should get off the streets.”
Siren took the hint and followed Neil quietly into the tavern. She rested her fingers against the small dagger strapped to her hip. Anton had given it to her, although she didn’t know how to use it. He’d said it would be easier as her bodyguard if she could somewhat guard herself.
The inside of the tavern was well lit and warm from the fire in the hearth. People sat in clusters with their cider. At a glance it was like any other tavern, except for the quiet. The customers sat in small groups muttering to each other and glancing at Siren and her party. They sat hunched over their mugs, like they didn’t want to be seen.
Siren and her entourage sped through the room as quickly as they could, their footsteps echoing loudly against the silence. Siren felt horribly uncomfortable under the bartender’s gaze. Finally they reached the steps at the other end of the room and began climbing. Their rooms would be upstairs, on the second floor. She just had to tell herself to make it there.
Safe from strangers on the second floor, Siren stumbled into her room. Anton and Captain Neil followed after and shut the door behind them.
Siren plopped herself down on the bed in a rather inelegant manner and tried to steady herself. When she felt like she could speak without squeaking, she looked up at Captain Neil. “Alright, what’s the issue, Captain?”
“My lady, I don’t mean to alarm you, but there seems to be a rather unfortunate character in this town. If you’ll give us leave, my men and I can bring him to justice before we move on.”
Siren sighed with relief. She had worried there had been something much worse, such as a plague. So many epidemics had swept through the nation recently. But what person could possibly be so horrible as to create this much fear in a town?
“Very well, Captain, do what you must,” she told Neil. “Though I’d like to know exactly who this ‘unfortunate character’ is.”
“My lady… it seems there is a death mage in this town.”
Siren stiffened as her fear returned. She couldn’t imagine anything worse. She took a few deep breaths. “P-please take care of this matter, Captain. Anton will remain here with me.”
“Of course, Lady Alrune.”
End of chapter
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137,583 Literary Works • 672,048 Reviews
Hello! Feltrix here for a review.
"She gave him her most convincing smile, which was indeed quite convincing." Instead, I'd just say "She gave him a convincing smile." Are you using convincing as persuasive here? It's a little unclear.
"Siren and her entourage sped through the room as quickly as they could," It seems unlikely to me that a member of nobility and her group of soldiers would run across a tavern, however uncomfortably silent it is. It also seems strange that the protagonists would book a room in a tavern because it's a unsettlingly quiet one. I'd say they noticed this fact after they're inside and have gotten their rooms.
Honestly, the beginning left me confused with too little information. By the end, I understood the basically what was going on, but I'd like to have more information in the beginning. The first chapter had a very different feel to it, and I think you may need to do a bit of world building aside from the premise "death mages exorcise the dead." This chapter needed more of an introduction, I think. It seems like the chapter after these characters are introduced. I'd also like to get in Siren's head more; if she remains a protagonist, I want to feel her thoughts.
This chapter needs some work; as others have stated, there's some redundancy, but that's not a huge deal right now. Still, it was an enjoyable read. I'd just like a bit more introduction to the scenario.
Hey, sorry for the late reply! Thank you so much for the review! I see what you mean about the redundancy and I'll try to fix it in the future. Thank you again!
This chapter is definitely an improvement, though I must say I don't think it was necessary to say Siren was tired when the fact that she yawned conveys that alone. I also don't think it was necessary to say her her most convincing smile was quiete convincing because it seemed superfluous and the fact that Anton believed her showed that without needing to be said, but that's just my opinion. Other than that, this chapter helped build up the story and world you're creating and has got me on the edge of my way for more.
Hello Lady Evvy,
I like the world you're creating. You seem to have a good emotional grasp of your characters, and their interactions, and the world at large around them. I like that.
I think you might be able to improve in the areas of description, and as a rider of horses myself, I have some comments to make about that in particular, so let's get into the nitty gritty.
I'm currently reading a new book from about 2006, which is in the fantasy genre as well, so it might as well be considered your rival, and I have to say that in compared with that, you have some improvement you can do on your descriptions of towns, riding, and the general world around your characters. Despite me being able to see that you have it thought out, that thought is not conveying itself well to me. What I'm saying is that it's not holding my interest. I see the work you've done, but you're not making me do the deep dive, so to speak, you're just getting me into the water. I'm sorry if that metaphor doesn't make any sense at the moment, I'll try to explain.
In books I like, the descriptions come gradually and through senses as the character picks up on things and moves about in the environment. They do things with comments about the sky, the smells, the sights, and the people as the action continues. In your story, the descriptions are rather rigid and pretty much stay at the beginning of the scene and don't work themselves out later.
As a beginning writer, and I believe we all are when we have a first or third draft, we need short areas where we describe things, but as readers, we need those descriptions worked in with things that are brought to our interest. Sometimes, a long description of a new area where our character spends a lot of time is okay, like when you first go into a room and you pause at the door to examine it, but you don't pause at every door to examine everything all at once.
In your case, I'll explain how I'd suggest go about redescribing the town. First off, since the town was ordinary to every other town they had stopped at, I would do away with the farmers and the types of buildings because we get it, it's a little town, enough said and our point of view is going to play heavily into our understanding of our surroundings. Little town for our main person, this girl, Siren, is going to be Normal Town, and that's basically it, until the Captain comments that the town is quiet.
[speaking of Captain Neil, I'd suggest you use Neil or Captain Neil only in paragraphs because you'll undoubtedly run into other captains and such, so stick with that. You have Captain as his name up " True to the Captain’s word, everything was very quiet and still." but no where else, so just stick Captain Neil's word in and you'll be fine as such.]
After that, you can go ahead and take all the time in the world you want on a monologue and internal thought about the little villages, and include interesting commentary about the people, but don't just describe things blandly. Give us a discussion, her thoughts, her worries, her considerations, her nervous figiting, all of it! Let us feel her worry through her thinking about all the bad things that could happen. Instead of telling us just that she's upset she gave away her horse, have her explain Why she's upset that she gave away her horse. Give us all the 'If Than's which can raise the suspense until that door opens again, even if it takes paragraphs.
Why? Simple: Emotional Content. Adding in these types of monologues gives us insight into our main character's point of view, and if you do that enough, we can really start to feel the character, and the surroundings too because as she thinks about the towns, we will be learning about the society. Most books do this for a paragraph or two with little diatribes, and usually pick up on a recurring theme throughout the book. For example, in this book series I'm reading, the main character is constantly worried about his status in the eyes of his brothers in arms, and he's making power plays, and worrying about the power plays he has made, and thinking about the consequences of those power plays. It makes for a good read because I know exactly what that's like, second guessing something I've done or said because of a reaction I get later, or as I just walk away from a confrontation. In this book, he has intelligent people around him who know him well and they will sometimes ask him what's wrong afterwards, and if he says everything, the writer just says "he explained it to x" and then has x's response. If he chooses to lie, or brush it off, he writes in that language. It gives us the internal workings of the character and shows us that he's outwardly affected by how people respond to him. Basically, the writer writes the read of the room as well as the internal stuff.
I think that's what is missing from this book in this second chapter because while I'm curious, I'm not finding myself really drawn close.
Now to riding. In my experience, and in the experience of many, many others, horses do not just go and go and go for half a day. Here's an article about writing horses in books from our wonderfully loved Merlin34 Writing Horses Well
I have to add onto that, that as a rider, posture and reins are super important. Depending on what type of horse she has, the slightest thing might set them to stopping, drifting side to side, or getting very frustrated with her and ignoring her.
If your main character was an experienced rider, as she would have to be to ride that long without being super sore and losing basically all control over her beast due to lack of knowledge and gradual battles of will in which the horse would test her, then she wouldn't really have needed to put her shoulders back when the captain gave the call. Shoulders are important in riding because young horses are trained to understand the slightest shift in weight. Where your center of gravity falls on a horse can mean the difference between 'I'm ready to hand gallop' and 'STOOOOOOP' to the horse. They're super sensitive, and if they're not, it's because of mixed signals over a long time, and they're pretty much going to just follow the leader.
In an average of a minute, as I ride, [and I ride old broke school horses who are pretty much dead to the world] I have to correct and assure the horses I ride that I am in control at least three to ten times depending on their mood that day. Some days, the horse I ride will challenge me to the extent of tossing their head around, trying to run into walls and such, and drifting aimlessly away from whatever path I have chosen. Now, I'm an intermediate rider, and I can stay in the saddle comfortably for about an hour, but there are things about that hour which have to go very smoothly.
First off, when you're trotting, you have to post, that's an up and down motion which is about as tiring as climbing stairs. and the horse is moving forward at the speed you set by how fast or slow you post, until they try to test you. When they test you, they typically will just drift about ant pull on the reins or 'lean on your hands' or throw out their sides 'leaning on your legs' and/or do something else to avoid what you asked them to do, like a horse might do a half-pass to avoid turning. They do funny things.
So if your group is riding that type of horse, then they're in for a nice long challenging ride. That type of horse would be horses that aren't used to work by doing things like pulling farm equipment, or being ridden on a post-drive all their lives or something.
The military horses would be extremely sensitive to leg commands, so the slightest twitch of a muscle could tell the horse to do anything from a half-pass, to a canter, to a whole series of other events. A single finger twitch could tell the horse to turn left or right, or correct their poor behavior.
That being said, fiddling with the reigns is a bad idea. Now if it's a broke horse, or a horse who just goes on his merry way, then it probably wouldn't listen to her commands in the slightest unless she was really wailing on him with her legs or yanking with the bit, and the horse would just follow the leader. She might as well not have reigns for that.
So the range of horses varies, and if you've defined this horse she's riding as one that she's familiar with, as a royalty of some sort, then it's probably very sensitive to movement. Now if it's a horse that they rented, it is probably more dead to the world, but it would also be likely to wander on back home at any given opportunity, and complain a great deal as they rode due to the number and variety of inexperienced riders it would have had renting it.
Also, depending on the age, the horse might not be able to continue on at a fast pace for an extended period of time either.
And I haven't even gotten into the style of riding they're doing ^.-
Point being, a horse isn't just going to put up with Anton fiddling with the reigns ambiently unless you describe that he was fiddling with a specific part of the reigns that weren't affecting the horse's mouth at all, which would basically just be the leftovers of it, when it's not touching their shoulders, and its a singular loop buckled by the hands, then I can't really see it as a pastime.
But that's just my opinion really, formed by what I've experienced with horses. I hope it gives you some more language to use when it comes to horses in any event, and the article goes over general care and stuff, so that should help you in the future of this book.
Overall, more active descriptions, and I love the world-building that happened with this so far.
Thank you so much for the review!
I always struggle with descriptions, and the comments you made here will definitely help. I'm always tend to skip over environments. This is a terrible habit and I have to remember to think about them more.
Thank you also for your help with the horses! I'll be sure to pay more attention to them in the future. It's always incredibly helpful to have someone with experience when writing. I'll do some more research!
Thank you again!
Hi, LadyEvvy! Mage here to review your work! So let's get to it, shall we?
Anyways, back to the review!
As of right now, I find Kou to be the more entertaining of the protagonists, but hopefully I'll come to love Siren as much as I already love him. Though I doubt it. Kou is just way too awesome; I'm not sure if she can meet his standards.
I love how you slipped her eye color in there.
Yay for worldbuilding! Quick question: Do you have a map of the world, or at least the part of it that the story takes places in? I admit that I don't for mine, but I was curious to see what you do when it comes to planning where everything is. (I tend to go with the flow and usually end up with far too much woodland.
Double yay for more world building! Kou seems like a perfectly decent fellow and he counts as a mage, so I'm guessing there's some sinister motive for the Holy Order to go after mages. Maybe the Holy Order is afraid of the power of mages. Maybe they were epically defeated by mages. Or maybe both.
I'll have to wait and see, I guess!
I can definitely see why you call Kou and Siren enemies in the description of this story.
The first sentence is worded strangely. I think you meant to say one of the two following things instead: "It's just very quiet," or "It's just very quiet. That is all."
Cue me imagining Kou sneezing at the mention of him.
Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Thanks for the review!
I have to agree with you on the characters. I love Siren, but Kou is my baby and she will never be quite as awesome as him. I hope her side of story is still enjoyable to read, though!
No, I do not have a map, though I probably should. Likewise, I tend to end up with a lot of forests. Like a LOT of forests.
I'm glad the foreshadowing is working too. I haven't given enough information about the world for accurate guesses just yet, but there will be more to come. I actually have a plan this time, believe it or not.
Thank you again! I know you don't want to post any more of "The Automaton's Heart" until you're done with the draft, but when you get it posted I definitely want to read it!
You're welcome!
They can be very entertaining.
Which might be awhile, but hopefully I'll remember.
Don't worry; though she will never achieve Kou's levels of awesomeness, her side of the story is pretty interesting!
Forests are very useful plot devices.
That's one more plan than I usually have! Shockingly, I actually know what I'm doing with The Automaton's Heart. I'll tag you when I post a new chapter, by the way!