Death Mage Chapter Three

by LadyEvvy

Published October 19, 2016

In Death Mage

Kou had considered finding the nearest inn and crashing there for the night. If anyone found out that Rim was housing a necromancer, they’d both be in trouble, but Rim didn’t seem particularly afraid. Kou had to respect him for that. Most people would be too frightened of the Holy Order to hire a necromancer, let alone help one. Rim’s house only had one room, but luckily he had a spare cot for Kou.

Kou lie staring at the ceiling overhead, unable to sleep. The Order’s influence was growing even more, if that was possible. How could one organization gain control of the country in just a couple decades? The past few years had been tough, and if this kept up, Kou might have to go into hiding. That would make it difficult to work. Luckily people like Rim, who opposed the Order, could still be found now and then, but who knew how long that would last.

Kou could practically hear the soldiers marching through to crush them.

Actually, Kou could hear something. Something that sounded very much like soldiers. Just outside the door he could hear muttering and muffled footsteps, the metallic hiss of swords being drawn.

Kou shot up and dashed across the room to Rim, who was just blinking the sleep from his eyes. Kou barely had time to shout to him before the door burst open and six men stormed through the front door, swords bristling. Kou froze, facing the soldiers as they formed a loose semicircle around him and Rim.

Kou studied them warily, shuffling to get between a bewildered Rim and this new threat. The men wore dark red, the color of the King’s Guard. Kou hadn’t seen uniforms like that since a brief and rather disastrous trip he’d once taken to the capital. Kou took note of the one in the middle, with the deep glare. He looked to be some sort of leader, judging by the badges on his collar and the way the other troops seemed to follow his lead.

Rim started to stand, but the man stopped him. “Halt, in the name of the King.” He didn’t raise his voice, but his tone carried a command underneath it. Rim sank back onto the bed.

“May we help you?” Kou wasn’t very good at playing the innocent act, but he could still try for the not-obviously-guilty act.

The man turned his attention away from Rim and back to Kou. “I am Captain Rumen Niel, of the King’s Guard. You are under arrest under suspicion of magic craft. State your names.”

Rim simply sat and gaped, which left Kou to do the lying for him. Unfortunately, Kou was not the world’s greatest liar. “Oh, right.” Kou tried to avoid eye contact. He also tried to avoid avoiding eye contact. “Well, this is Ronald, and I’m uh, S-Sable.”

Mr. Captain Rumen Neil stared at him for a moment. One would think, that for all the time Kou spent hiding, he’d be a better liar by now. After a moment, Mr. Captain seemed to come to a decision. “Alright, just come with me. We can sort out your identities later.”

The troops closed in around them, and Kou tried to think fast. He could try to run, but he wasn’t a very fast runner. He could try to threaten them, but that was just another form of lying, so that was unlikely to help. He might try to fight, but he wasn’t very good at that either. In hindsight, he really should have learned some of these skills.

As it turned out, Rim was willing to make the decision for the both of them. As the soldiers grabbed his arms, he threw a punch. Kou heard a wet crunch as it connected with the soldier’s nose.

The men moved all at once, cued by Mr. Captain. Kou felt someone grip him from behind. He flailed, trying to get a kick in, but the soldier lifted him off the ground and he couldn’t get his footing back.

Which left Kou to watch as everything went downhill.

The soldier Rim had punched stumbled back into the wall. The nearest soldier moved up to take his place and swung his sword. Rim tried to dodge, but was caught unprepared. Kou watched the soldiers blade sink into Rim’s chest.

Red spattered the floor. Time seemed to freeze up.

It wasn’t the first time Kou had seen death, but he still felt a red-hot weight settle in his chest. Rim hadn’t needed to die. Kou had barely known him, but Rim had been kind and generous. There was no reason for his death.

Kou tried to stuff his anger back down, but it was too late.

Kou felt the magic power he had worked so hard to gain well up. Heat rippled under his skin. The soldier holding him felt it too and quickly let go. Before he could lose control, Kou shoved the magical force in the direction of Rim’s corpse and felt it shift into the dead body. Distract them, he directed it.

Possessing a corpse was never a comfortable feeling. Watching a dead friend attack another person was even worse. Kou had to turn away while the blood splattered the walls.

Nevertheless, it got the job done. The soldiers broke into distracted panic. Kou slipped out the door, all the while telling himself he wasn’t hurting Rim. Rim was in the next world, and the body was just an empty husk now. It still didn’t feel right to Kou.

This was the power most feared by the Order, and for good reason. It scared Kou too.

He stumbled out across Rim’s fields, crops crumpling under his feet. It took him an eternity to reach the edge of the woods. He leaned heavily on the nearest tree, breathing hard and gazing back at the house. He heard one last distant scream, abruptly cut short. He felt his magic leave the corpse, its task completed.

Possession was a draining task, and Kou had almost no magic left in him. Despite his best efforts to keep running, he couldn't move his feet anymore. He slumped to the ground, exhausted, and slept.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
RoseTulipLily
Comment
RoseTulipLily commented Comment · Mar 5, 2017

Rim's death was very emotional for me, just as it was for Kou. Even if we hadn't known him long, his death was easy to be distressed by. He wasn't some random criminal or anything like that, just a kind stranger who tried to help another person who desperately needed said help.

User avatar
Mageheart
Review
Mageheart wrote a review Review · Oct 21, 2016

Hi, LadyEvvy! Mage here to do the promised review! So let's get to it, shall we? ^_^

I don't think it's possible not to like Kou. He's such an entertaining and interesting character; you did a great job creating him. You did an awesome job with world-building this chapter as well, but I'll get into more detail about that later on in the review.

My overall suggestions are to read your work out loud before you post it and try to add some more sentence variety. Though you have some sentence variety now, you usually put together two phrases in each sentence.

Now onto the specifics!

Kou lie staring at the ceiling overhead, unable to sleep.


"Lie" should "laid" or "lied".

The past few years had been though, and if this kept up, Kou might have to go into hiding.


Even with knowledge of the previous sentence, the "though" seems a bit vague and is hard to understand the meaning of. I would suggest elaborating on that in rewrites of this chapter.

Kou could practically hear the soldiers marching through to crush them.

Actually, Kou could hear something. Something that sounded very much like soldiers. Just outside the door he could hear muttering and muffled footsteps, the metallic hiss of swords being drawn.


You know how you like my humor? This is your humor, and I love it. I could already see where you were going with the first line because I had briefly skimmed the chapter when you posted it, but the way you executed that realization made it even better.

“May we help you?” Kou wasn’t very good at playing the innocent act, but he could still try for the not-obviously-guilty act.


Reason to love Kou right here. ^_^ He's such an awesome protagonist. And your humor is awesome too!

Rim simply sat and gaped, which left Kou to do the lying for him. Unfortunately, Kou was not the world’s greatest liar. “Oh, right.” Kou tried to avoid eye contact. He also tried to avoid avoiding eye contact. “Well, this is Ronald, and I’m uh, S-Sable.”


When your name is Kou, life is difficult for you. Apparently the same can be said if your name is Sable. :P The sentence right before the last dialogue tag is repetitive. I would suggest changing it to something along the lines of, "Rim mirrored his actions."

He could try to threaten them, but that was just another form of lying, so that was unlikely to help.


If someone doesn't like Kou, there is seriously something wrong with them.

It wasn’t the first time Kou had seen death, but he still felt a red-hot weight settle in his chest. Rim hadn’t needed to die. Kou had barely known him, but Rim had been kind and generous. There was no reason for his death.

Kou tried to stuff his anger back down, but it was too late.


Schadel is like that too. You never got a chance to see it in the old versions, but death makes her angry (and sad). Well, to be more exact, she gets angry if someone was murdered. Which is basically this situation. What I'm trying to say is that I found another reason to love Kou. ^_^

Possessing a corpse was never a comfortable feeling. Watching a dead friend attack another person was even worse. Kou had to turn away while the blood splattered the walls.


Alright, remember how earlier I mentioned that I loved the world-building? This was what I was talking about. The idea of a necromancer doing something like that without leaving their body is so cool and unique. Even though that was bad in the context of the chapter, I think that's my favorite part of it.

My guess is that a certain someone (*cough cough Siren cough cough*) is going to find Kou sleeping. And then the plot will reveal itself, although you've already started to show it with the dissent between the Holy Order and Kou.

Keep up the spectacular work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! :D

Thank you for the review!
I've actually noticed how often I use sentences with two clauses, but I usually only catch myself doing it with essays and schoolwork. I hadn't realized I was doing it here too. Thank you for pointing that out!
I'm so glad you like Kou! I love him too, he's my baby. I should probably spend more time with him outside of the story as well.
For clarification, in that sentence "though" was meant to be "tough." Typos make reading difficult.
This review was actually really really helpful! Your comments always give me some extra confidence in my writing, so thank you.
What will happen next? You'll have to wait and see! Good luck with Schadel!

You're welcome! ^_^

You're welcome again! :P I always worry that I'll do that in my own writing, so that's something I usually pay attention to while reviewing. I guess it's finally paid off!

You definitely should. Maybe you and Kou could come over, and the three of us plus Schadel could watch an adaption of Sherlock Holmes? :P

Yeah, it definitely does make reading difficult. XD

You're welcome. ^_^ I'm glad I was able to help you out! Thank you!

Oh, if you're interested, I have a club for novels and short stories. It's called Story Interviews. The link provides more information (it goes to the club's about page), but to sum it up, it's basically a club where people can ask you questions about your story so you can develop it even more. It's a lot of fun, and if you're interested, here's a link to the Information Forum, which has all of the information you need to know! ^_^

I always wish I could meet some of my characters in real life. Kou is the kind of person I could sit down to watch a movie with.
You have so many clubs, how do you manage them all? But that does sound like a great idea! I'll have to visit sometime.

Agreed! ^_^

Usually they aren't that popular. SI has been the exception. ^_^ Basically, they don't require as much time and energy!

User avatar
Poseidon
Review
Poseidon wrote a review Review · Oct 20, 2016

Hey Poseidon here for a review.

"The past few years had been though"

It should be tough not though shouldn't it?

"Unfortunately, Kou was not the world’s greatest liar."

I just have a feeling of this sentence being out of place. I don't think you should tell us that, just show us.

"Kou tried to avoid eye contact. He also tried to avoid avoiding eye contact."

That's an oxymoron sentence. I don't really get what you were trying to tell us by those two sentences but I believe you could make it clearer by trying it a different way.

"Time seemed to freeze up."

"Time seemed to freeze" would be a better sentence.

"Kou slumped to the ground, exhausted, and slept."

I don't really think that's a good thing to do, especially if he could hear the screams. Don't you think he should get farther away or something. I could tell you were just trying to concluded the chapter but you still have to make it make sense.

Overall I like the story your going at. I don't see chapters 1 and 2 so if you could link them that would be great.

Your Friend,
Poseidon

Thank you so much for the review!
You make some good points. The oxymoron was actually intentional and meant to be a kind of joke, but I can see how it would be difficult to read. Also, when Kou collapses it was supposed to show that possession is exhausting, but it does look a little abrupt, so thank you. I'll be sure to clean these things up when I revise this!
Chapters one and two are here, if you want to read them:
Death Mage Chapter One
Death Mage Chapter Two

When I press one the link it says that you have made it for your eyes only.

There, it should be better now!



okay I think I need to grab some nachos
— BluesClues