z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Death Mage Chapter One

by LadyEvvy


Creepy old basements were not Kou’s favorite part of the job. Creaky stairs, darkness, cobwebs in the face, the knowledge that an angry spirit could attack at any moment? Not particularly appealing. No matter how many times he did it.

At present, Kou was staring down from the top of the steps, desperately wishing he had purchased a nicer lamp in the previous marketplace. He’d had this stupid crappy oil lamp ever since his old one was smashed by a dead three-year-old during a temper tantrum, and for some odd reason Kou always forgot to replace it every time he came to a town. At least he could prop the door open and let some sunlight in, though somehow the added light only made the base of the steps look darker.

“Are you sure you’ll be alright? I have an axe in the shed if you want that,” the farmer, Rim, tittered behind Kou, wringing his hands.

“Nah, I should be fine.” Kou replied, swiping his dark hair out of his eyes. “Just so we’re clear, if I’m not back by noon or so, head back to the house and hang out there until I come get you.”

“Of course.” Kou was already facing away and didn’t see the man’s expression, but something cracked in his voice.

Kou took a few deep breaths and stared into the dark abyss. “Right, just wait here, and I should be back in a few minutes or so.”

Rim wrung his hands some more. “Be careful. She doesn’t much care for intruders.”

Kou didn’t reply as he began his descent. It was everything he’d imagined it would be. Creaky stairs, darkness, cobwebs in the face. Angry spirit waiting at the bottom. The light began to fade as he moved farther from the open door and the sunlight. Kou’s eyes adjusted to the dim illumination of his lamp as he went down. Dust was collecting all over his coat. He tried to brush it off but knew it would have to wait. It was such a nice new coat, too, a shade of green that set off his eyes.

At last Kou reached the base of the stairs. Peering into the dimness, he couldn’t see much of anything except the vague silhouettes of shelves and farm tools. And the dead woman in the pale blue dress. Standing in the middle of the room, staring.

“Uh, hi.” Kou said. For how often he did this, one would think he’d be better with greetings by now. “Are you Mrs. Greenwind?”

The woman hesitated before replying. “Yes.” She paused and glared critically at Kou. “Who are you and what are you doing in my basement?”

Well, at least she hadn’t attacked immediately. When Kou had heard the case he had worried about this soul’s state of mind, but she didn’t seem violent. Yet.

Kou took a moment to look around the room. Here was the ghost. She was quite beautiful actually, with a soft, heart-shaped face, a neat plait of hair over one shoulder, and a few cheerful wrinkles around her eyes. And she was taller than Kou, because everyone was taller than Kou, even dead people. And over there, at the base of the stairs, was the lovely lady’s corpse, a few days old now. Kou was surprised he hadn’t tripped over her on his way down.

Kou turned his attention back to the ghost. “Well, I’m Kou. And I’m here because you’re husband asked me to come down here and speak to you.”

The woman frowned at the mention of Rim. “Oh, of course he wants to apologize now. That idiot! Does he ever think to discuss things with me when he makes these decisions? No! He’s just concerned about himself, and now look what he’s done! Now I’m dead!” The woman gestured to the corpse at the base of the stairs.

“Well, I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am.” Kou said. Domestic issues. Another of Kou’s favorites, much like heights and dark hallways.

“Oh, no, not ‘ma’am’. Just call me Lisa.”

Kou breathed an inward sigh of relief. This spirit seemed rather nice, actually. Now, time to ruin it. “Well, Miss Lisa, this is going to sound rather personal, but why do you attack you husband every time he tries to come down and retrieve your corpse? And why do you refuse to move on to the afterlife?”

Thin lines appeared between Lisa’s brows and her lips pressed together. “You’re one of those death mages, aren’t you? I’ve heard about you. Heard a lot actually.”

Well, this was going downhill fast.

“Er, well, yes, Miss Lisa. I’m a necromancer.” Kou braced himself. Usually even the dead would freak out when they heard Kou’s occupation. He didn’t want to be hit by anything Mrs. Greenwind might throw, like one of the many garden tools lying around.

Her frown deepened, and Kou had to keep himself from flinching. After a tense moment, though, her expression faded into an exhausted sigh. “Well, I suppose it doesn’t really matter does it? I’m dead, so I suppose I’m in the same boat, demon and all. What was it you wanted to know? About Rim?”

Kou relaxed slightly. “Well, yes. He told me you’d been in an argument just before you… fell down the stairs.”

“Oh, it’s alright, dear, you can say ‘died’. And yes. He suggested that we should keep Brett, my son, from visiting this year like we had planned. He said something about the Holy Order or some such. Honestly, that man, he thinks my only son shouldn’t come home just because of the Order? I don’t understand why he’s so opposed to them anyways, when they’re doing such good work.”

Rim was opposed to the Order? Kou gave a silent cheer. He supposed it made sense. No follower of the Order would ever let a necromancer into their home.

Mrs. Greenwind seemed to realize it too. “Oh, I’m so sorry, dear. I didn’t even consider. Of course you wouldn’t be a friend of the Order.” She awkwardly rubbed her hands against her skirt. “I’m so sorry.”

“No it’s alright, Miss Lisa.” At least she apologized. “You were saying? About the fight with your husband?”

“Right yes.” She coughed into her hand. “I was just upset was all. This house used to belong to my parents, and I always hid in the basement when I was upset. I was angry, so I ran down here to cool my head. I was in a rush, and I suppose I must have tripped. Next thing I knew, I was looking at my own corpse.”

“I see.” Kou said, even though he didn’t. This woman sounded like she had already forgiven her husband, so why was she still in this world? “But why don’t you just move on? The afterlife isn’t so far away.”

Mrs. Greenwind sighed again. “It’s rather childish actually. I wanted to hear him apologize.” The corners of her mouth lifted a little. “It figures he wouldn’t come down here himself, though. He always was such a coward.”

She looked at Kou for a long moment and smiled. “Maybe I should move on though. I know he’s sorry, no point in hearing him say it. Tell him he’s forgiven, would you?”

Kou grinned back. “I’ll let him know.”

“Alright. Well, off I go then. Thank you for keeping me company.”

Kou’s lamp flickered, he felt a brief flash of cold, and Mrs. Greenwind had vanished. Kou glanced over at the dead body lying contorted at the base of the stairs. He’d need help bringing her back up, but for now he decided he should go let Rim know everything was alright.

As Kou began his ascent, he mulled over the strangeness of the situation. Mrs. Greenwind hadn’t seemed particularly wrathful or malevolent. In fact, she’d seemed to have already forgiven Rim. Someone like her should have gone straight to the afterlife instead of waiting around. It was pretty weird, but it happened sometimes. Kou shrugged and flicked off his lamp as he neared the top of the steps. By now the sun was setting. Kou paused to admire the shades of orange painting Rim's fields, then turned back to the house. Time to rest for the night.


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61 Reviews


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Mon Mar 06, 2017 3:34 pm
Feltrix wrote a review...



Hello! Feltrix here for a review! I'm just going to write down suggestions as I see things.

I. "Not particularly appealing. No matter how many times he did it." I think these should be one sentence.

II. "He’d had this stupid crappy oil lamp..." Instead of calling it 'stupid crappy,' I'd describe the oil lamp's flaws.

III. "...and for some odd reason Kou always forgot to replace it every time he came to a town." The 'for some odd reason' is unnecessary and can be cut out.

IV. "...the farmer, Rim, tittered behind Kou, wringing his hands." I had to look up 'tittered,' and I don't think you're using it right.

V. "'Nah, I should be fine.'" You need a comma after this sentence because you're telling us who's saying it.

VI. "...a shade of green that set off his eyes." This is unnecessary.

VII. "'I see.' Kou said..." Comma after I see.

I hope that wasn't too harsh! I feel like it was, but I might be wrong. After all, it's you who's being reviewed, not me.

I really like the premise of the story and what's happened so far. Very Lockwood and Co., which is a series I love. Your tone is fun and casual, showing how ghost-exorcising has become a part of every-day life. I really like the story so far, so keep writing! Which you've already done!




LadyEvvy says...


Thank you so much!. Don't worry, you definitely weren't too hard on me. I can see a lot of your points and I'll make sure to look into them when I go back and revise!



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Sun Mar 05, 2017 6:08 pm
RoseTulipLily wrote a review...



I noticed that you wrote "you're husband" when it should be "your husband" among other mistakes which others have already pointed out so I won't babble about those. The first paragraph was a gripping hook in my opinion and immediately got me interested in the story. The character interactions were okay I guess but not too interesting to me. Then again, this is the first chapter so I won't judge too quickly. Now I am off to the next chapter to see what else you have in store for us ;)




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Sun Oct 30, 2016 9:40 am
occymay wrote a review...



Hello!

This piece was great, it flowed very well and was well written.

Positives-
I like your style, it was very different from a lot I have read. It was very informal and chatty which when suited the way that the characters acted during this chapter. I also really liked the character of Kou, he was very genuine and quite a funny character. This then developed into the conversation between him and the lady which was very funny and really realistic.

Improvements-
The were a few minor things that I saw that I felt you could either do without or change. For example when the lady says "I’ve heard about you. Heard a lot actually.” This sentence doesn't seem to flow right, it sounds a little odd. Maybe instead put "a lot" in italics, it will give the sentence a bit more emphasis. Also, just a little nick pick, at one point Kou say "Miss Lucy". I would just put Lucy because she isn't a Miss, and some people can get funny about that.

I was wondering if there was a prologue to this piece. I don't think this chapter is enough to entice your audience into continue reading as there is no mention of the ultimate plot or any kind of mystery. This can easily be helped by two pages of a prologue which gives a vague, mysterious view of the plot.

Overall I really enjoyed this piece and will continue reading when I get the chance. Keep writing! :)




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Sat Sep 03, 2016 4:25 pm
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hi, LadyEvvy! Mage here to review your work! So let's get to it, shall we? :D

Reading this brought back waves of nostalgia. It made me think of both Schadel and a series that The Schadel Files was inspired by. Since you're a Bartimaeus fan, you've probably heard of it. It's a ghost and mystery series called Lockwood and Co. and is written by (you probably guessed it) Jonathon Stroud. It had the same feel to it as I read it.

Kou already seems like an entertaining protagonist. I'm already loving his character. You have a great vocabulary, and this chapter definitely got me hooked! I'm excited to see what you have in store for the book.

Creepy old basements were not Kou’s favorite part of the job. Creaky stairs, darkness, cobwebs in the face, the knowledge that an angry spirit could attack at any moment? Not particularly appealing. No matter how many times he did it.


This was a wonderful opening paragraph. You did a great job at drawing the reader in and making them want to continue reading.

He’d had this stupid crappy oil lamp ever since his old one was smashed by a dead three-year-old during a temper tantrum, and for some odd reason Kou always forgot to replace it every time he came to a town.


This part tells a lot about the protagonist. He travels, and he can be very forgetful. It also gives the opportunity for a side story about the dead three-year-old incident.

“Nah, I should be fine.” Kou replied, swiping his dark hair out of his eyes.


You do this throughout the piece when using dialogue, so I thought I should draw attention to it. There should be a comma instead of a period before the second quotation mark. Also, I love how you subtly describe his hair!

“Of course.” Kou was already facing away and didn’t see the man’s expression, but something cracked nervously in his voice.


You used "nervously" a couple of sentences before this one. I would suggest changing the first or the second one to a synonym of the word.

Kou didn’t reply as he began his decent.


"Decent" should be "descent".

He tried to brush it off but knew it would have to wait. It was such a nice new coat, too, a shade of green that set off his eyes.


Besides the fact that I started grinning because of the protagonists in my book has a green coat that's pretty new, I love how you give the reader more information about Kou without having an info dump.

And she was taller than Kou, because everyone was taller than Kou, even dead people.


I found this line to be incredibly entertaining. :D Also, you're a master of description when it comes to characters.

Domestic issues. Another of Kou’s favorites, much like heights and dark hallways.


He definitely is going to be a fun protagonist to read about.

Rim was opposed to the Order? Kou gave a silent cheer. He supposed it made sense. No follower of the Order would ever let a necromancer into their home.


I see some foreshadowing for conflict right here. I'm interested to see what you'll do with this bit of information in the future, and I'm excited to see characters from this Order. I also wonder if Princess Siren happens to be associated with it.

Keep up the spectacular work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! :D




LadyEvvy says...


Thank you for the review!
I was actually kind of worried that the necromancy would look like I stole it from you. I promise I didn't, though Schadel did play some part in developing Kou's character!
And I'm so glad the descriptions worked out. I always have a hard time showing off characters.
I'll be sure to fix those grammatical errors as well. Something is inevitably skipped over in proofreading.
Thank you again! I always love your reviews.



Mageheart says...


You're welcome! :D

It's fine! I find it really cool that you have a necromancer as well! I'm really interested in seeing how Schadel played into Kou's character.

You did a wonderful job. :D

You're welcome again! And thanks for the compliment! :D



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Sat Sep 03, 2016 1:37 pm
Sabershark21 wrote a review...



Hey oh, Sabershark here. First things first, your book is really intriguing, I wanted to keep reading to find out what would happen to Kou. This review is going to be pretty short because there really wasn't anything I could find to fix, save the ending, which I agree was kind of abrupt. The ending did seem a little abrupt but it is still an ending to Kou's adventure so I wouldn't worry about it too much. I tried to find grammar mistakes, run on sentences, anything, to no avail. So good job on that account. You really look like you're crafting a beautiful story and world here. I want to read the next chapter, so do tell me when it comes out! :) keep writing and stay classy!




LadyEvvy says...


Thank you for the feedback! Glad you're enjoying the story so far. I'll be sure to tag you when I get done with the next chapter.



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Sat Sep 03, 2016 5:37 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Hey there, LadyEvvy! I'm here to review as part of National Reviewing Month. :D

Creepy old basements were not Kou’s favorite part of the job.
Before I started reading this chapter, I looked for a prologue, and not finding one, commenced my reading. So this was the first sentence of your story, the breaking point that would either scare me away or make me want to keep reading. And it made me want to keep reading. You introduced the general theme of the story really well, telling me all the details I needed to know in order to construct a mental image. Kou also seems like a pretty cool character, and I'm interested to find out more about both his job and personality.

“Uh, hi.” Kou said. For how often he did this, one would think he’d be better with greetings by now. “Are you Mrs. Greenwind?”
And here is his personality. He's so casual! I love it, to be honest. Any normal person would be scared to confront an angry spirit, but he uses such colloquial language. This indicates he's done this job so many times before, and it's no big deal to him. Good characterisation.

“Er, well, yes, Miss Lisa. I’m a necromancer.” Kou braced himself.
Ah, that makes sense. :)

As the chapter progresses, you continue to reveal the correct amounts of information at the correct times. Kou also has a very distinct speaking style; casual but formal. To me, he sounds sort of like a Victorian middle-class shopkeeper. I really enjoyed reading it, and didn't find myself skimming over anything, which I sometimes do when reviewing chapters.

The only suggestion I have is to add something at the end. It ends a little suddenly, as if his journey hasn't quite finished. Personally, I would be far more content if the chapter finished with him emerging into the light, with the sun shining onto his dusty coat or something like that. Just wrap up his 'mini adventure' a bit more.




LadyEvvy says...


Thank you so much for the feedback! I'm glad you're enjoying the story.
It's nice to know how readers are perceiving my characters. And I see what you mean about the ending. I'll see what I can do to correct that.
Thank you again!




Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
— Mark Twain