Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
This is the story of Will Sadie and his struggles with depression and suicide, turn back now if this subject is not comfortable for you.
I storm into my bedroom, chuck my backpack across the room and fall to the floor tears falling from my eyes. Why is life so hard? Why am I the one that is fucked for life!? I wipe the tears from my face because I know that it’s all my fault for being this way I’m the one that brought this upon myself. Everyone looks at me like I’m a diseased freak because of the scars on my arms and legs, I don’t blame them I know these scars make me look bad. The only thing people say to me is, “Why don’t you get some help?” Haha, I’ve been hospitalized so many times I’ve lost count and it never helps, so please keep asking why I’m not getting “help”. Some people are so intrigued with the fact that I’ve tried killing myself, they ask, “How many times have you tried?” “What have you tried?” That’s my own personal business you do not need to know but what I will tell you is that I’ll keep trying until I have succeeded, my parents know I’m already too far gone, that there’s nothing they can do to stop me so they have basically given up. I’ve already planned it at the end of this month, (Which is October) I will end my life on Halloween.
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hello!
Alright, so from what I know of suicide is that it works in different ways. So I’m not going to talk about how “this can’t happen that way because that’s not the way suicide works”. I do know however, that most all of the time, people who struggle with suicide and end up killing themselves are struggling with a treatable mental illness at that time. It seems like your MC does suffer from depression, so that’s good in the sense that it relates to suicide not seeming totally out of the blue.
Snazzy here for a review!
Other than grammatical errors that make it hard to read and enjoy, I think this work suffers from pace. It seems to develop way too quickly. After reading, all I know is that Will Sadie probably suffers from depression, suicidal thoughts, has been hospitalized, feels hopeless. I don’t know his background, if there is anything external contributing to his depression and or suicidal thoughts, or if it’s all just an internal chemical imbalance in the brain. I’m having a hard time picturing this kid. Is he a kid? Or a full grown adult? Or even elderly? I would assume he’s not too old considering his parents are mentioned.
I thought it was interesting is that Will seems generally open with his suicidal intents. This seems uncommon, but intriguing. As if Will believes there isn’t hope for him, and he wants people to stop telling him to get help, yet there’s still a small part that YEARNS for someone to help, hence him making it clear his intents.
Going back to what I said previously about suicide and mental illness and the relationship between the two not being routine at all, you need to make us believe that the way Will is encountering suicide and thoughts like these are real. Again, work on pacing here. Don’t be afraid to slow down and exist in those painful, scary moments. Let us SEE the extent of what Will is feeling in a more vivid image. Show, don’t tell.
The title is also very interesting, and in a good way! It’s what drew me in.
Overall, work on grammatical errors (mostly run on sentences) and pacing of the overall chapter and story. I’d be happy to try and explain either in depth if you want to send me an PM! Have a lovely day!
-Snazzy
Hey there LadyAstella.
I see that you have this listed as a finished chapter and that it looks to be the starting chapter. However the length of this leads me to believe that it's either more of a prologue or a chapter part. And that's also the feel that I'm just getting from the bit of content that you have presented so far, where this is more of a preview into the main character's life and an outline for where the story is going. I didn't check the exact word count but it looks to be about only two paragraphs worth of material, compacted into one big wall.
Even if this amount of content could pass for one paragraph, you would have to split this up further for all of the dialogue points. I think you might have been trying to incorporate all of these questions next to each other, which does have to a point to it, but it almost never works out in practice. All of these partial dialogue lines need to be split off from the whole if you want them to mean anything and to actually have a clean presentation.
There's a few troublesome things about the story you've presented, which is obviously a teenager's plan to commit suicide. And that's not bothersome for the reason of wanting to commit suicide, in comparison to the concept of a "suicide plan". Suicide plans don't really exist outside of tropes and are the most dramatic way to go. But even if I was rolling with the concept of a suicide plan being acceptable, I'm also worried by how the narrator notes the date but not the methodology.
Based on the dramatic level of the rest of these statements, I would assume it's going to be something grand. They're going for an exhibition of something because of the date that was particularly chosen for this. I think you're going to have a lot of trouble leading up to whatever you want to do, just because the in between points won't matter much. I'm wondering if you've considering have a twist justice ending but that, again, doesn't seem too likely from the little you've presented.
In the content that you have given me, it seems like every line was meant to be as dramatic as possible. I feel like you were going for maximum teenage angst but that doesn't come through very well to the other side, where it's just rather annoying. I know that I have no respect for the character with their behavior, which is just childish and that's the only way I have to describe.
Good luck with your novel.
Do some actual research into the subject of suicide and the behavior surrounding it.
Happy revmo.
Birdman
No disrespect when you say do some actual research into the subject suicide but I've had more than my fair share of suicide and I don't think I need to do research on it because I've suffered with depression for 5 years of my life.
And the title is Finished