Ding dong the witch is dead, the witch dead, ding dong the wicked witch is dead. NO I’m Not. You’ve heard the story of Dorothy and The wicked witch of the west, But have you heard the story of the wicked witch of the west and dorothy? What if Dorothy’s story isn’t all that true, so before you go and say oh no dorothy is right you’re wrong….Listen to The wicked witch’s story.
My name is Elphaba or Elphie, but most of you know me as, “The Wicked Witch of the West” and I am sure you all recall me saying, “I’ll get you my pretty and your little dog too.” To be honest that is not quite how it happened, it was taken completely out of context. I did not want to hurt Dorothy or her dog Toto.
As you know Dorothy’s house fell on my sister, all I wanted was to get her shoes back. If you saw the shoes, you would want them too! All red and sparkly, like the sun. These are good shoes, not the ones that leave a trail of glitter every time you take a step. Plus I saved for a month to buy them for her!
My half sister and I grew up in Munchkin land. My father was a traveling sales man; many call him the Wizard of Oz. Because the Wizard gave my mom a love potion, I turned this horrible shade of green. I had to learn what to wear and what not to wear. I have come to accept my color. Yellow looks really good with my skin tone! Do you know how hard it is to find yellow jewelry? Seriously. Or a yellow dress what a about an appropriate shirt for a business meeting?
Speaking of clothes, I do not always wear black. I just like the way it shows off my skin tone. I have some great summer dresses, in yellow and a few orange swim suits that are to die for!
My magic is much stronger than most witches and because of this the Evil Wizard wanted me to cast spells on the people of Oz. I refused to do it. I did not want to hurt anyone. When I would not use my magic on the people of Oz, the Wizard, my own father, told everyone in the kingdom that I was an Evil Witch. Seriously, I guess that is what you get from a “traveling salesman.” I wouldn’t by any elixir off that cart! Just look at me, the proof is in the color of my skin!
I live in an old family castle. Yeah it looks scary from the outside, but I don’t have traveling salespeople stopping by! The inside is really quite cozy. You should see my grand fireplace and leopard print rug! I ACTUALLY have a really great sense of Feng Shui!
Ok, let’s talk pets. You know I have winged monkeys. Well, I have them because the Wizard of Oz abused them. I would never hurt an animal! I am part of the ASPCA for crying out loud. The Monkeys and I tried to help Dorothy, the Tin man, the Scarecrow, and the Lion. The monkeys could not talk because the Evil wizard cursed them; so Dorothy and her friends misunderstood what the monkeys were trying to do.
Many people think of Glinda as the “good witch.” Did you know we were best friends and we lived together as roommates in college? Glinda and I became very close; we told each other all of our secrets. One time she told me, that she had a huge crush on the famous munchin, Dustin Beezer. Seriously, he looks likes a 12 year old Ken Doll! She even came with me to confront the Evil Wizard. When I found out the wizard was my dad and he wanted me to use my magic for evil, I ran away. Glinda stayed and did the bidding of the Wizard, this way she was not labeled “wicked.” Glinda is not as nice as she seems.
I ran into her at the last Conference for the Enchanted, and she was all:
“Like oh my Wizard! I haven’t seen you in forever?” “It has been like years, you totally toned down that green. The bleaching treatments must be working!”
Well, at least my skin is not fired, I can’t say the same for your hair or personality.
Glinda: “Oh, so is your flying gotten any better since college? Remember when you hit a tree and it landed on the Horse of Many Colors?”
I can’t stand that witch.
Yeah, so in flying school, I might have not shifted correctly and hit a tree which caused the leaves to fall on the Horse of Many Colors, spoking it to NEVER show green again. Yeah,at the time I didn’t see the humor in the Green Witch scaring the GREEN color out of the Horse of Many Colors. Now, I tell the story myself!
I do love flying though. Nothing gets me in a better mood, than flying in the night with a full moon as the backdrop while listening to my iPod. My favorite band is “The Bright Green String Beans.”
So one time, while I was belting out “My Yellow Brick Road.” Something flew into my mouth. I could feel it crawling around my throat and I had to get it out! That is why people think I cackle while I fly.
So, cackling leads me to “I will get you my pretty and your little dog too.” I was trying to help her, but I have horrible allergies caused by poppies. Do you know what a field of poppies will do to you!? I couldn’t think straight and my eyes were barely open due to the itching. I was trying to help her and ask where she got her pretty dress. It came out all mixed up sounding creepy all do to my allergies. So if any of you suffer from allergies, you totally get what I am saying!
My favorite part of being misrepresented is being able to melt. It makes people terrified, which quickly turns to joy when they think they have defeated the evil witch. I laugh every time, people are so gullible. But who wouldn’t believe this:
I’m melting, I’m melting, melting, melting…
(Jump up) Yeah, totally a Tony Award!
So I live myself, trying to stay off the grid. When you have as much magic as I do, it’s easy to live Green. I try to support Mother Earth as much as possible. I have a really small Carbon Footprint.
I will stay in hiding, only to come out when there are mid-sales at Witch Barn. And try to help as many people as I can. Beware when you see the Wizard, he is NOT trying to help you. And if you see a flying monkey, take their hand, they are trying to get you to safety!