Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
***The Next Morning***
My alarm clock wakes me up 3 hours early so I can get up to set up my plan, should I hang myself, slit my wrists, or overdose? Hmmmmm….So hard to choose! I’ve tried each of those more than once, and obviously they haven’t worked. I’m gonna try something new this time….Blood thinners and a nice warm bath with slit wrists. Seems promising, you may think I’m a sadistic freak but I’m not I’ve been hurt by too many people and have not been okay for too long that I’ve just accepted that this is my fate. What can I say….I’m a sucker for pain. I get ready for school (the worst part of the day) and get out to my bus stop. *HONK* Shut up I say, and roll my dark, baggy eyes as the bus rolls up. "Mornin." Mr. Swat says as I get on the bus, I wave my hand around in the air walking back to my regular seat to find a girl in it. "Um....Excuse me you are in my seat...." I mumble, "Oh! I'm so sorry!" she says and moves over, "here you go.....?" "It's Will." I look away, she smiles, "I'm Alli, nice to meet you Will." I nod and stare at the back of the seat in front of me for five minutes trying to adjust to the awkwardness, I take a chance and glance at her and she's reading a book. I take in her character her body is long and slender....A healthy slender, long blonde hair with brown highlights. Damn....She's beautiful.
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Wow, this was almost as beautiful as the girl, Alli, that you have chosen to describe here. Use some imagery. If you describe the day, the bus, the driver, your clothes, it would make the reader feel so much more connected.
I would also get rid of the excessive dots. Sure, they do seem to help you get your point through to a minor extent, but they seem to disrupt the flow of your story. So instead of saying:
"What can I say….I’m a sucker for pain."
You could say something along these lines:
" I know that this may seem stupid, but what can I say? I am a sucker for pain."
You may notice that I did not use the word 'I'm' in my example. You see, when you get rid of the words you/your/you're and contractions from a piece of writing, it instantly makes it easier to read and it makes it seem higher level in a way. Applying this and imagery would instantly make your story so much better. How did Ali's face look when Will got on? What did she wear? Did she look nervous? You have to paint a picture.
A story is a picture, and you are the painter. You can take the time to sketch, and use your words as a beautiful paint, or you could leave a faint pencil outline. People enjoy seeing the finished, fuller, product. So do not fear investing the time to make a painting, you will not regret it!
That is all I have for you! Have a wonderful day, keep writing man!
-Anne
Hey LadyAstella! I'll try to help you with some elements of your story in this review.
"My alarm clock wakes me up 3 hours early so I can get up to set up my plan, should I hang myself, slit my wrists, or overdose? Hmmmmm….So hard to choose!"
I think the second part of the first sentence would sound better in a separate sentence. Otherwise, it doesn't seem to flow that well. I would suggest doing something like this:
My alarm clock wakes me up three hours early so I can get up to set up my plan. Should I hang myself, slit my wrists, or overdose?
"I’m gonna try something new this time….Blood thinners and a nice warm bath with slit wrists. "
I think saying going instead of gonna sounds more professional in a story, although that's just a matter of what publishers think. Also all of the dots or ellipsis seem to interrupt the flow of your story. I suggest only using two in one chapter at the most.
"Seems promising, you may think I’m a sadistic freak but I’m not I’ve been hurt by too many people and have not been okay for too long that I’ve just accepted that this is my fate. "
I think the intro to this sentence could either just be left off or at least changed into a different sentence just because it seems kinda choppy with it there.
" I get ready for school (the worst part of the day) and get out to my bus stop. *HONK*"
Maybe you could explain how he gets ready in at least a few sentences, or add in a scene like him looking at the mirror brushing his teeth and explain how he looks at that moment. Time skips are okay sometimes but just make sure to not add in too many.
"Shut up I say, and roll my dark, baggy eyes as the bus rolls up"
Make sure to add dialogue marks for the part when he says shut up.
"I take in her character her body is long and slender....A healthy slender, long blonde hair with brown highlights. Damn....She's beautiful."
I think this would sound better separated into different sentences instead of with dots. For example:
I take in her character. Her body is long and slender and she has long blonde hair with brown highlights. Damn...she's beautiful.
I hope I helped you ^^