Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Horror

12+

Queen of Death

by LadyAstella


Everywhere I look there is death.

Death here, death there.

I myself am death.

I burn through everyone's souls with just my eyes.

I make everyone fear for their lives.

Long live the Queen of Death.

Death is upon you, you cross me you die.

So please take caution before you think of looking me in the eye.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
852 Reviews


Points: 21955
Reviews: 852

Donate
Tue Sep 18, 2018 1:53 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi LadyAstella,

So your poetic voice here is fairly distinctive - it sounds angry and sad, regal and formal.

I took the meaning of the poem to be that the speaker is overwhelmed with "death" which might be a metaphor for sadness or evil which seems to be all around them. Because death is all around them, they start to see themselves as the bringer of death and decide to just own it being "the queen of death". The speaker gives a warning to anyone that may cross their path saying that they might even face certain death.

I do think that this gets a little bit dramatic in a way that begins to lose it's connection to reality though. I mean the line "I burn through everyone's souls with just my eyes" is like so over-the-top that I think some readers might interpret it as being humorous.

Inserting a good level of emotion and drama is always a balancing act in poetry, because if you go too far, the readers will catch that it's hyperbolic, and get distracted from how it's centered in reality. I'd suggest trying to find some lines to ground this poem in reality, is there a specific reason the speaker thinks they are death? What are they angry about? Who has hurt them? Expanding on these areas will help the dramatic lines pop out, rather than seem like they're over-the-top.

Good luck in your future writing!!

~alliyah

Image




User avatar
37 Reviews


Points: 1634
Reviews: 37

Donate
Fri Sep 14, 2018 1:24 am
Louisiana15 wrote a review...



Hello :)

Death; a commonly-used theme in poetry (Edgar Allan Poe, for example). Typically, Death is described as masculine, have you noticed that? I liked how in this poem, Death is a female. It causes the reader to stop and think "Wait, women in writing are typically seen as gentle, frail, innocent" etc etc etc. But no, here, you give a feminine figure power and strength. It adds texture, I suppose, to your work. Makes me think of a battlefield: dead men (such as on the Western Front in World War I) gazing up into the heaven's eyes as the heaven's gaze down at the glazed-over eyes.


"So please take caution before you think of looking me in the eye," a warning but not exactly one that is as strong as the tone seen in the previous lines. The Queen of Death does not seem to be one who says 'please' to her subjects; she seems to be one who dominates the world. I just feel overall, that this line is weak in the powerful feel from the other lines, thus stands out from the poem.

I enjoyed reading this; it reminds me of the attitude I sometimes have and how it feels to need to express my strength when other underestimate me and such.




LadyAstella says...


I meant this line as kind of a smarty comment with sarcasm.



Louisiana15 says...


Oh okay. That makes more sense, then.



User avatar
200 Reviews


Points: 60
Reviews: 200

Donate
Wed Sep 12, 2018 11:49 pm
kman134 wrote a review...



Hi. This is Kman134. I'm here to review your work.

the assumption of one feeling that they bring death and despair is the ultimate form of depression. In the book Frankenstein, Victor Frankenstein has the same feeling where after so many people in his family dies, he feels like death follows him and becomes obsessed with cheating death after seeing galvanism performed in his biology class. this leads him in creating the monster by stealing the body parts of seven men and using some advance form of galvanism to animate the creature.

In Japanese mythology, there is the shinigami. it is a god of death and comes for those who are about to die. the shinigami kills those who are destined to die and guides them to the afterlife. it is even said to possess people and lead them astray in mountains, valleys, and other areas, driving them mad until they kill themselves and those around them. Izanami no Mikoto is the Goddess of Death and Queen of Yomi-no-Kuni (the Japanese underworld) where she watches the dead who enter while spreading death and despair wherever she goes.

I enjoy your poem. it brought chills to my spine but it was also for of cute as there wasn't much "horror" to the stanzas. the themes of death are good but doesn't really provide much on why or how you can bring death to others and who justifies you as the Queen of Death.

"I myself am death.

I burn through everyone's souls with just my eyes.

I make everyone fear for their lives.

Long live the Queen of Death."

This is my favorite part. it provides some sense of entitlement to death and symbolizes the power of sorrow and woe that the character inflicts on those around them like a psychopath. however, it does not provide much on how the character inflicts these acts or what gives him/her entitlement over death.

anyways, this was pretty good. I hope you write more.




User avatar
286 Reviews


Points: 16319
Reviews: 286

Donate
Wed Sep 12, 2018 9:54 pm
AstralHunter wrote a review...



Salutations!

Hmm, this poem was shorter than expected. I like what you tried to do with the rhyme, but overall, this is too... err, bland. Naturally, I can't just make a statement like that without elaborating and giving some advice.


The imagery in this poem is regrettably non-existent. I guess there's a single instance of it in "I burn through everyone's souls with just my eyes", but that is too standard to count. I'd expect more than just eight lines of a poem in general, but even in eight lines, a poem could be full of imagery, be it comparisons, metaphors, personification, and all the other devices of which we learned/learn in high school English. Even things like alliteration and assonance would help (don't let my "even" fool you into thinking these techniques are uncommon or underappreciated, because they really aren't); in fact, they grant a certain degree of subtlety to a poem that would otherwise have relied solely on rhyme and basic symbolism. I could give you examples of these, but they're very easy to find. Employing them isn't that difficult either. Just try experimenting!

Beyond just imagery, though, your diction was generic. Nothing about the words you used inspired any feeling in me, which is a pity - with a title like that, you'd expect to be filled with awe or trepidation (as much as one can feel by reading a poem, I guess). In contrast, this poem was simply underwhelming. It feels less like a queen talking and more like an edgy teenager. To evoke the desired mood, you must use the appropriate phrasing. Place yourself in the queen's shoes: she's the queen of death - she should be regal and coolly indifferent to the ambitions and fears of man! How would such an entity express herself?

The final thing that bothered me is your metre. This is free verse, so there doesn't technically need to be any fixed format - which there isn't anyway - but there must at least be some degree of structure to your poem. There is nothing making this collection of lines feel like a cohesive unit. And actually, you could have forsaken structure completely and fully embraced the association of chaos; if you had made the structure and flow and choice of words and rhyme erratic, you would have reinforced such a theme. You have so many opportunites to make this poem memorable, but you sadly didn't use any of them.


I suggest reading some poetry tutorials and famous poems, as well as looking at the reviews of some of the poetry moderators here on the site. You can even ask them for tips, and I'm sure they'll be more than happy to help! It's very easy to set out on the road to improvement, since all you need to do is take your first steps.

~ Hunter





Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.
— Neil Gaiman