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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
KamaKamaKamas ^^ Shina here to do a review for you
I. Nitpicks
The first line I had to reread a few times @___@ I suggest you fix the punctuation so it flows better:
"Did ...went past?"
The first line is also past tense, so the second line should be past tense also.
"On" in the first line seems unecessary.
Like the ending ^^ Tied it all together. You just need to be consistent with your punctuation, dear
Sorry I did a quick review xD I'm kind of in a rush.
-Shina
I hope this does not offend, but I thought this pieces was adorable - as in, cute. Splendidly creepy, almost as if the creature was saying- you'll be hunted next, love, enjoy freedom, life, love! ...while you still may. The creature is reaching out to a child, and not an adult, because it recognizes it's own past life in freedom in the spirit of children - speaking not out of spite, but of genuine concern (for how else would a wise old creature think of things) I imagined it as a unicorn, and the glass not a pane - but the glass eyes used in Taxidermy.
.Made some editions that made it fit my ideal better, so take it or leave it! I thought the body of the thing was excellent, but missing some finer details.
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-M.|
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I loved the feel of this poem, and I really liked it. I disagree with Reddy, just to be nuisance to him, but I really did really like it, and although you did not say much about the animal itself, you could feel it's emotions, and it wasn't too vaugue or fuzzy. You used great description, and it truly didn't feel choppy to me. I really liked it!
Nutty
As far as poetry goes, I think that this poem was pretty good, but had some things that you could easily fix up. For example, I believe that you could make it a little less choppy. I won't say how because you should probably figure that out for yourself. The description could also use a bit more of a boost, although not that much, as that would probably take away from the meaning in the poem.
Other than that, it was a nice poem with great ideas.
hmm I don't read alot of poetry but enjoyed this piece. I'm sure there is some thing you could do to tweak but it would not be my place to say. I can understand what smorgish is saying it would be a little more apealing with better imagery and more of a mental picture but the idea is interesting. keep at it
It's a misfire. You quite clearly are a good writer, but this just doesn't measure up in any way really. It feels lazy and undeveloped, there's nothing for the reader to take with him. You can do better.
Spoiler
Here's where the poem's issues start. This third line is totally and utterly useless. It basically repeats the first two lines. And it's totally devoid of any imagery. Take it out. That said, "reaching" didn't do much for me, but I'm less sure of whether that deserves a replacement. Your call. It's an attempt at least.
And again and again, for a writer of your calibre, you're missing opportunities left and right. The imagery here feels almost lazy. These lines are so boring, and devoid of any kind of emotional impact. Especially the last line, which comes off as stiff and hurried. Simple language can be used effectively, as you know, but here, none of it is working.
Instead of complaining further about why I feel so unsatisfied about the whole poem, lets take one example.
Imagine, ... past
I think the use of the word "child" is the first issue here, the more I think on it, the more I think it disconnects the two beings on either sides of the glass. There is a relationship between the two that is bizarre, and not really plausible. And then; "all the stories" keeps this poem on such a horribly mellow tone. This is a LIFE. It's not "stories". If you died, and I eulogized you by telling some random "stories" of your life, it simply wouldn't capture much at all.
The next line is a masterpiece of telling rather than showing. "The chase". Screw that. How did the chase feel? The games. In what weather? Where? With whom? The seasons past. Please. SHOW us your life. And even then; show us how life really was. This isn't Bambi. Show us how you drank from pools, how you curled up at night in the winter. Wasted opportunity after wasted opportunity.
Imagine! ... puddle
See what I mean? That's two seconds worth, you should take an hour and pick your words and images with more care.
Aloha, Kammie!
To me, it kind of sounds like a hunter's catch that's been stuffed, or some animal in a zoo exhibit, but, I'm not too clear on that? Word choice can really direct your audience towards an understanding.
Can't quite grasp this one. It's a decent poem, I think, but it seems more like a start to me. I think you should work on revising this.
The main problem that I have with this is that you're not really giving us anything. A lot of times poets can write a poem with things such as speech and abstract ideas to read but subliminally include a greater meaning underneath it.
I don't really think you've quite done that here, dear. You have a start for it, but it needs a little bit of building.
I know I'm slightly biased when it comes to poetry (:P) but I'm not so sure I like your choice of language. It's kind of plain. The words are common, and you rely on extra words here like "Oh, my," etc. It's kind of dragging your poem, Kammie, because you're not actually giving us anything exciting to grasp on.
Most of all! At the end of this, I was left wondering who this creature is. It's lonely, yes! But, what else is to it? Why does it watch children in such a creepy way?
I do really love your spiraled trees and chiming leaves. Beautiful.
Nice work; keep writing! Hope to see more from you.
Junipar.
Hi Kamas! I just thought I would stop in and give you a review.
So, while I usually don't like poems with a message, I think I can make an exception for this one. You don't beat us over the head with the point that you're trying to make, and you actually do the delivery very well. You use description to build up to the point, the "hunter's blast", but once there, you barely linger. And by doing that, you cause the final idea of that poem to stick in the reader's head for quite a bit. At least, that is the impression I came away with.
I also like how your last two lines are similar enough to your beginning lines to be a reflection. It brings a slight cyclical feeling to this, which I like.
As far as everything else goes, your description is solid. I would say that it needs to be punched up a bit, but I am hesitant to say that, as I feel that too much flowery language here might take away the effectiveness of the message at the end, thereby undermining the poem's nature. So I will just say that it is a tad drab, but that it works anyway.
Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice