Author's note: Another attempt. Tell me what you think. If you don't know who the Bedouin are click here.
--
Whipping the flame of your curls
to capture vagabonds in your tangled thoughts.
The clatter of tracks echo through your head
with songs of the Bedouin.
Ballads that bury you in wispy, golden grains and palpable heat
walls painted in cardamon and curry, like gypsy skins.
A chorus of cadenced notes, as haunches cavort along with dirty feet
Bone weary tension flitting into the next step
clinking of beaten bracelets in tune with their gait.
Around the hiss of a blaze, songs are sung
whispered of the paltry recompense, and broken homes.
Breaths of a street performer escape in doleful words
The Bedouin forever roam along the melody of the desert.
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hallo, Kammie!
Flame of your curls is an interesting image. Something about this wording is off kilter, though and it makes what you're saying harder to catch. Maybe if capture was active, as in capturing, it would sound better?
Clatter of tracks -- I'm not sure about this image, I'm getting music tracks in my head and traintracks, and Bedouin are people of the desert, so... I'm not sure, haha. I think the clatter of bells might sound better. Not to change your poem, but you know, they put bells on their camels, and some of the women wear them on their ankles, so it would make more sense.
You mean cardamom, dearie.
Songs of sung is boring! Liven it up!
Broken homes? Hm, I don't like this here, because it implies that a general broken home, like problematic or such, and... in line with the Bedouins it seems a touch or so out of place, because the tone of the poem is more whimsical, carefree, and this seems to imply that this is a song about trouble; when they sing, they usually sing about things to lift their spirits, if that makes sense? (Or, this is what I've heard, anyhow).
On the whole I felt it was good. I like your word choices. Wonderful words you select; they carry the poem well in the sense of images. I think you still need to focus on connectivity -- this poem has a lack of it. The lines jump into one another, and they should be smooth and fluent, dear.
Thumbs up,
June
Jazz Buddeh!
This is wonderful, I love the changes you've made and I think it expresses exactly what you explained to me. The words you use are well chosen, and fit the tone of the poem very well.
I'm not entirely sure about this line: "whispered of the paltry recompense, and broken homes." It's almost too forward, too exact for what you've already laid forward. If you could consider making this longer, and think about how to show this line a little better, it could improve the poem. (Not sure if that actually made any sense.)
The only other issue I have with the poem is the last line. Some one mentioned it was cliched, using "melody" for the desert. Personally, I think you can simply shorten the line to embrace maximum impact. I propose changing the line to "Bedouin forever." and possibly adding a semicolon to the line before it.
I think it's a beautiful poem and you've done very well with your description, I can see it all.
~ Penguin.
Kammie! Congrats you get my one hundredth review! But I have a feeling it's not going to be a very helpful one, since this, as everyone else said is great as it is. You did a great job painting a picture for the reader, and it's wonderful. Great job.
*Cookies and Snugs*
~Hope
Kammster. This ro-o-oo-ocks. The description in this little poem is superbly done, so good job on that.
Also, I loved the way its written and the word choice you used. Just basically, I love the poem. A whole lot.
Great job. Share more ^_^
Tataaaaa!
-Mizz
I attempted to quote this and make suggestions in bold, but it didn't work becuase I had no suggestions. Iy was perfect. I loved the alliteration, sometime it annoys me when overused but this flowed so nicely.
Thank you for posting this, it was a pleasure to read.
RedSmiles
This was very good. I loved all the descriptions, and you did particularly well with the lines regarding the sounds of Bedouin life. Everything was so easy and fresh to imagine. In fact, the only problem I had with "Bedouin Song" was the final line: it rung rather hollow (melody is a cliche word–at the very least, it doesn't fit with the Bedouin image you gave. Whenever I think of melodies, they are sweet, Western, and are a different kind of graceful). I am definitely giving this a thumb's up/like it.
–antimelrose
Hey, Kamas!
Palpable is such a good word. I will have to remember that in the future. The poem creates such an authentic desert atmosphere -- or what I imagine it to be like, since I've never been able to witness it myself.
Wow. I really enjoyed this poem. I could picture everything very clearly, and I absolutely loved the vocabulary you used here -- I also learnt a few new words
This is a lousy review. But I can't think of anything else to say, this impressed me so. Great job!
Demeter
x
I really like this poem, which is why I pushed the "like" button. I think you did paint a very vivid picture of the desert wanderers. Sometimes it felt like there were a lot of adjectives, so perhaps you could tone the flowery language down a bit. Other than that, I had no real emotional connection to your poem. I wish you had made us feel how these people felt as they traversed the desert. Good job! Keep writing!
Hi there, Kamas. I'll be taking a look at this today.
So, I have to say that I rather like this. Your description here is rather superb. You manage to paint a very vivid picture with your words, allowing us to see these desert people very well. I just think that this is a tad short. You should expand on it! I would like to see just what you could cook up if you took this a bit farther.
A very good poem. Thank you for sharing it with us!
Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice