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139,638 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
Hey Kamas!
As requested.
My eyes are immediately drawn to the adjectives here. There is a surplus of descriptive words, even by my standards. Some of the adjectives you use clot and clutter the flow of the poem, giving it a heavy-handed feel and as Durriedog said, an almost chant-like quality, guttural and plodding. I would consider cutting a few out here and there in order to make this a little tighter. Already, the meaning of your poem is obscured behind abstract, meandering thought processes...
An unembellished existence languished on trigger-happy madmen/
disguised as gilded blackbirds with wolfish grins
What does that even mean? I don't know. I'm very open minded when it comes to abstract poetry, but the images you incorporated here are just far too contrasting. If there's symbolism here, I must be too dense to reach it...either that, or it's a denseness of the text. As the poem goes on, it becomes even more bogged down and soggy with scattered surrealism.
I do love the last line however...Very Sylvia Plath. And it matches the tone of the poem.
While I don't think that this poem should be scrapped, I think that in the future you should concentrate less on elevating the diction and stringing your images together one after the other, without any return to context or clarity, and concentrate more on making your poems digestible, focusing/sharpening your images, clarifying your plot. Leave some breadcrumbs for the reader. Make your poetry less of a bottomless wormhole into your mind, and more of a readily exposed dissection of your topic.
Good luck,
-Kylan
Ooh, I liked this. Very haunting and it stuck in my mind. I agree with the previous comment in that it sounds like something an old wizard would say. It sounds more Lord of the rings less harry potter. I can see a story in this. You could write a book with a plot similar to this. I advise you to do so, your onto something good. Thanks for the read! I'm going to like this.
Over all, an enjoying and intriguing read! Some very large worded, tasty phrases in here! Yum!
It sounds kind of like a chant one would say over another, a prophesy. Definitely not a well-wish. I read it not like a poem, as such, but as a line a wise old wizard would shoot off in a fantasy movie. I imagine a guy back lit with fire, with massive eyebrows... whoa, some serious 300 S*** here, Kammie. I'd work on making it less chant-like, softer and sweeter because the strong taste you're conjuring in this dirge is making me cough... Please work on making it more poetic?
I love your vocab, your brilliant imagination sure shows up in your phrases and such, it blew me away. So a 'like' for you, Kammie my dear! Thanks for the read!
~Durrie