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139,638 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
Hey Kamas,
Cascading and melting paints a strange image immediately in my brainpan. Cascading traditionally suggests water and melting suggests heat, so it's an interesting contrast straight away. Not a bad thing, as long as you have a reason to create such tension. I think you mean 'their' not 'its' in the opening line, also.
The enjambment from L1 to L2 is clumsy and falls into repetition. "Cascading words, melting away from its source / pouring away, curling into the open prospect." I think "curling into the open prospect" is intriguing enough without the superfluous "pouring away."
"Starry azure dreams" is lazy. How are we to discern anything about these dreams from two adjectives? I think you could portray what you want to say here much better.
You then turn from these phrasing towards "erudition churning in unfathomable depths." The shift in language is perceptible and confusing. Every noun is laden with a long, unrythmic adjective. There's no space for your language to breathe. Poetry doesn't mean over-describe.
You can do better than "seeping through the cracks" (which is overused).
I actually think you have some interesting language here, but it's not working in this construct. "Curling into the open prospect" shows you have some skill but this eight-line ditty is a weighty and muddled construct. Don't be afraid to expand. If you're to make something short, you've gotta pack every line with meaning and double meaning and make sure every word is doing something for you. Right now you have elaborated a single point with a lot of long words and got nowhere.
You've told me nothing new and that's what a poem HAS to do. It needs to be fresh and portray something originally. You said in chat you didn't spend much time editing this, or even writing this. Poetry is not something that takes a short amount of time. Working on a poem should take you a few days of careful editing, and writing and rewriting. With so little words, you've got to analyse each one for its worth and unworth.
(And we didn't even get to talk about rhythm).
Good luck in any revisions (hope this helps).