Written In Scars

Before you read this, I already know that the rhythm goes abcb - abab- abcb - abcb, and I'm okay with that. My goal with this particular poem is not necessarily perfection, but rather to dedicate it to my friends who have gone through this, and to bring hope to others who are still struggling.

I saw them underneath your sleeve
You don’t need to try to explain
I can see it all in your eyes
You were trying to feel something

Your entire life illusion
Written right there on your arm
All the pain and confusion
Led you to all this self harm

You think that nobody cares
I’m here to say that’s a lie
I’ll be here when you fall apart
I’ll hold you when you cry

I may not know your story
But I do know who you are
You’re important and amazing
More than what’s written in scars

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Points: 317
Reviews: 21

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Mon Jul 10, 2017 9:01 pm

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JustALittleBarry wrote a review...

Hi! I know this is one of your older poems and I'm very late, but this poem is too good to not say something. This has got to be one of my favorite poems on YWS because it reminds me of the feeling you get when reading a book that's so relatable you feel like you are best friends with the author that you don't even know. This is a beautiful piece, and I wish the best for your friends.

KFdreams02 says...

Thank you. One is doing better (and I love him dearly). The other one isn't though... so though this poem is older, it is still very much alive. Thank you for reminding me of that.

Points: 3187
Reviews: 173

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Thu Dec 29, 2016 10:18 am

fukase wrote a review...

Hi,
Perfection is a goal for everyone, but we should go beyond it. I really love that you're making this poem for your friends. Every act of kindness won't go wasted.

So basically my first impression is that the honesty you're trying to pour in this rather rigid forms of poetry that I myself don't really want to try, but I definitely want to learn it. You did this great, a round of applause to you.

Actually I found a little fault in your little bold paragraph. It is not called rhythm, but it's a rhyme's schemes or whatever people call it (I don't remember too), but it definitely isn't called rhythm. Rhythm is mostly about the meter, the da-DUM-da-DUM stuff. I just don't want you to keep misunderstanding about that stuff.

I like this. This poem like the previous review said, might don't carry a lot of emotions, but I can feel your emotions you poured in this. That's the magic power of sincerity.

So I'm going into meats:
**
I

I saw them underneath your sleeve
You don’t need to try to explain
I can see it all in your eyes
You were trying to feel something

Honestly, even with this kind of format, I can still you're not using it to its maximum. It's like you're wasting insignificant words into this poem which you should try not to put them. I can't really explain this in-depths, but read thoroughly again your poem. Try to erase words that don't really belong in this and replace it with more accurate ones.

II & III

Your entire life illusion
Written right there on your arm
All the pain and confusion
Led you to all this self harm

You think that nobody cares
I’m here to say that’s a lie
I’ll be here when you fall apart
I’ll hold you when you cry

I just hate the first line above "Your entire life illusion" because they are too many flaws in that. It's a fragment, meaning a grammar mistake. I know grammar isn't that focused in poetry, but grammar is a great instrument to take care of. Moreover, the syllables are not consistence. The first line above has 8 syllables and the last line above has 6 syllables and the first stanza is all 8 syllables, but other than those three, the rest have 7 syllables. I know you're not focusing perfection, but YOUR reader is focusing on that. Try to think what your readers thought about your poem when they read it, instead of only looking your poem in one paradigm (one point of view).

The last stanza is just so fitting, lovely and touching. <3
**
Overall, you are great! However, great people do mistakes, so try to improve yourself more. Study and experience with poetry.

Keep writing.

~memo

Points: 3571
Reviews: 624

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Wed Dec 28, 2016 2:22 am

Casanova wrote a review...

Heya, KFdreams02! Casanova here to do a review for you! Anyway, I'll be taking this section by section(stanza by stanza) so I hope yyou don't mind. Anyway, to the review!

The first stanza-

I saw them underneath your sleeve
You don’t need to try to explain
I can see it all in your eyes
You were trying to feel something

Aye, so here you lack any poetic elements. You're giving us a shopping list full of things we're supposed to feel, but we don't feel them because you're sayiing,"HEY FEEL THIS." You have no imagery whatsoever. I can see this is about cutting, though, so apologies for that. I know it's rough dealing with cutting and dealing with someone who does cut. You feel bad about that, and feel like you need to help them. Poetry is a good place to vent, but I'm here to help you make your poem better. Anyway, to the next stanza.

The second stanza-

You think that nobody cares
I’m here to say that’s a lie
I’ll be here when you fall apart
I’ll hold you when you cry

What I liked about these lines was that they showed a bit of lyrical influence to them, and lyrics I can get into a lot better than I can poetry. I suck at poetry and for most of my life I've disliked it immensely. Anyway,overall these lines are really cliche, you're not giving us anything new and exciting, and I deal with cliche's in my stuff all the time as well. Editing helped with that, as does imagery. At the moment we have nothing besides your shopping list. Show us the groceries. Anyway, on to the last stanza.

The last stanza-

I may not know your story
But I do know who you are
You’re important and amazing
More than what’s written in scars

Overall this has a great message behind it, but it feels more like venting to a friend about her/him cutting. This seems more like a pep talk about how good the person is and how they don't deserve the pain more than it does poetry. It's ranting, basivally, about a subject, and I felt like you could have done more with it.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped. Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron

KFdreams02 says...

Thanks you

I've been looking at some of your other work, and long story short, to have you review one of my pieces of work makes me super happy and honored almost. I don't know exactly why, but I look up to your work greatly. Probably because of the amount of emotion that you are able to make come alive in your work. It might take me a while to edit this (as it has a lot of work to get it to it's full potential) but I will definitely let you know when I get it done. Thanks again so much!

Points: 144125
Reviews: 1227

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Wed Dec 28, 2016 1:58 am

alliyah wrote a review...

Hi there, I'm here to review:

Subject & Overall Impressions
I appreciated that it ended on an upbeat but realistic ending, even with the subject matter. I have a lot of friends who've lived through this, and it's hard to know what to say or do to help - but your last line is an important point on the subject.

Grammar & Punctuation
I couldn't find any spelling mistakes, so nice job editing. I saw that you chose to leave out punctuation - which I thought was a fine choice for the poem, as it didn't impede the flow and was consistent throughout. The only spot that I thought a punctuation mark might add some clarity is in line 5

"Your entire life illusion"

I had to re-read it to understand. A semi-colon or colon between "life" and "illusion" would clear this up. Not a huge deal - but something to think about.

Rhyming & Word Choice
I thought your rhyme scheme worked well, the first stanza feels a little flat, ("explain" & "something" really don't feel like rhymes) -- if you could add a rhyme in that stanza it would set the rest of the poem up better. Overall though, the rhyming didn't seem too stretched and sounded clean.

Overall word choice is fairly simplistic and direct - there's very little imagery or metaphor used besides the very last line. If you could fit the last line's theme and metaphor throughout the rest of the poem or add more imagery it might make the poem more visual & impactful for the reader. The simplistic language wasn't necessarily an issue, given that this is a fairly direct and short poem. The only other suggestion I have here, is that in the last stanza the use of the word "amazing" seems a bit flat and hollow. "Amazing" is about the most vague adjective there is, and doesn't really communicate the amount of compassion or care that I think the rest of your poem is going for. If you decide to do some edits, I would look into switching up that adjective for a more meaningful and descriptive one.

..........
Thank you for tackling this topic, in an upbeat, but realistic way. Good work! I look forward to reading more of your pieces in the future.

~alliyah

KFdreams02 says...

Thank you!

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Written In Scars

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