Young Writers Society

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review.

Hi there, KFDreams02. I don't believe that I've reviewed your poetry before, though I may as well give this one a shot. The first aspect of this poem that I wanted to touch on is the spelling. You spell 'Because' or 'Cause' like 'Cuz' and I'm not sure why? Sure, there's the purpose of showing this to sound as you're saying the word, though this is the only instance that this is done so I don't see what makes this different than spelling it as 'Cause'. The structure of this is something that I'll touch on briefly in exchange to talk about the flow since the actual aesthetic or overall look of the poem doesn't matter that much when it's spoken word.

I will however talk about the wording and clarity of this poem. There are a large abundance of unnecessary words here. Let me just point a couple of them out that don't usually do anything to improve the flow. Words like 'and' or 'because' or variations of those. Stripping this poem of filler words, there isn't actually a lot of substance here. The last stanza uses some repetition of what's been used in the first stanza which makes for an ending that isn't all that strong. I want to give an example of how I can strip a stanza of all of the filler words below so you can see what I mean.

First of all, though, I wanted to point out how I've never seen the saying in full in the first line of the poem, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist. I've never seen the phrase 'Smell the roses' being paired with or added after 'Don't waste life'. Instead, I've seen 'Stop and smell the roses' though nothing that you've shown in this poem uses that.

Don’t waste life
Is that not what they said?
Cuz if it isn’t, I need a news flash
Pull a dictionary out of the hat and tell me this is NOT what they said

Before I get to the example of stripping the stanza down to its core, I have to say: This is not what they said. Maybe you're attempting to suggest that this is essentially what people mean when they say 'Stop and smell the roses' though I'm not exactly sure since this lacks clarity. Furthermore, I don't believe that this stanza adds anything to the poem, so I suggest cutting this out. There's nothing said here that isn't already really said in the other lines, and if there is something new said here, it doesn't really need to be.

See, as a guy, you’re not suppose to pick flowers
But as a girl, it’s all you’re suppose to do
And if a guy chooses to pick one, it has to be blue.
And for a girl, it has to be pink
Cuz society has made it so all that we think about is the colors we are labeled with

This all can translate to something similar to this:

As a guy, you're not supposed to pick flowers.
As a girl, it's all you're supposed to do.

This is what I can see this being simplified as. If you're not wanting to let go of the metaphor of the color in this particular stanza, try to sprinkle it in a more subtle way. What I don't like is how blunt this is with the theme. This outright says 'society is being oppressive and focuses too much on labels'. This is where you go wrong. A theme for a poem can be for a noble reason, sure, though that's not enough to carry the whole piece. There needs to be something more there to make the reader connect with the theme if they aren't directly affected by it already. The reader wants to see something more fresh.

This doesn't even attempt to work in other poetic devices, and that's what I might dislike the most here. There's not even an attempt at imagery or an attempt at figurative language. Metaphor is the main device here, and I'm going to bring that up later on. The theme isn't the only focus that's needed when it comes to creating poetry. There isn't a balance here, and while clarity is key when you're attempting to get a message across, it doesn't have to sound like something so bland.

There's potential here for imagery, too! That's why I'm so confused as to why there isn't any expansion to it. The dandelion comparison to roses with making a wish is an aspect that I wanted to see fleshed out. The wording of a dandelion going up 'in smoke' is a little odd, though I see potential there. At the same time, you're juggling two different metaphors here in a way. The first has to do with flowers, and the second has to do with color. These two attempt to combine to become one metaphor though I don't see this happening.

I want to see a more intertwined version of the two. The color metaphor. I wanted clarity. There's potential here too, though I'm not sure how I feel about the colorblind parts here. Viewing gender as a spectrum, or gender more specifically as a spectrum of color, is something I can see being done here. The more that I look over the comparison to color, the more I can see this working, you're just not focusing on the right details.

Focus on how gender is a spectrum of color and how some people of society believe that there is only pink or blue. Male or female. How they're missing out on the in-between if that's the theme you're attempting to go for. Also, if this is a poem for people who don't conform to the gender binary, I do wish that there was a more uplifting ending. "Yours or theirs?" as of now lacks emotional weight or impact behind the line.

Overall, I believe this has potential and with some revision I can see this being a stronger and more fresh piece, though the current state misses the point. Keep experimenting and playing around with this. Take out unnecessary words for a better flow and play around with balancing the elements of the poem a bit better. This has potential, like I said!

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.