Just to let you know beforehand, I know that the rhyming is very ziggity zaggity. But I have learned by watching many other poets, that if done right, this form can turn out beautifully. I hope to be able to accomplish this skill one day, though I know it'll take a lot of work and practice in organizing it just right. It would sound better being spoken. Any advice helps!
You draw the lines, pick the word
They take a guess, hope for yes
And your thoughts go unheard
They themselves upon that shelf
Trying to figure out someone else
They get hung, but hey it's fun
To take a life, to take the strife
You tie the rope, forget the knife
You let it go, read the note
Try not to choke on the words they wrote
Cause words cut and cause a mess
They put your emotions to the test
Cause every word's a risky guess
Another step towards your last breath
Who really cares, is it fair?
You just erase, then re-prepare
Simple words, no one gets hurt
Hey what's your name, let's play a game
But in the end you'll be the same
Cuss ABC's until you're dead
Come on up, let's play hang man
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Hey! Thanks for contributing this beautiful poem! I completely agree that rhyming in a poem while keeping flow is very difficult, and I think that maybe you should rhyme a little less. When you do rhyme, try to make it meaningful, as in ideas that tie together. I also find it more effective when a poem rhymes every other line, as it tends to flow better. However, I find the idea of your poem incredible and I really hope you keep writing!
Hey there, decided I'd take a crack at reviewing your other poem too!
First Impressions
This poem I found to be a lot deeper than "Written in Scars", while "Scars" is obviously more personal and maybe more heartfelt, there is just a lot to work with analyzing this piece. I found myself wanting to read it several times. I'm not sure I'm ready to take a guess at what it all means, but would be interested in what your thoughts were writing it.
Punctuation & Line Breaks
I see that you left our end line punctuation for this poem too - I like that you have a consistent style with that.
Your line breaks and rhyming are super tight until the 10th line "Try not to choke on the words they wrote" - I like the break in pace that falls right in the line that talks about "choking" - clever. The reader almost 'chokes' on the line. I wonder if it might help the flow to break this line into it's own stanza. After the third stanza, this poem gets really confusing and it's a bit disappointing after the really good first three stanzas.
I would really like to see the line breaks & stanzas & rhyming to be a bit more consistent. It just feels so rushed and chaotic at stanzas 4 & 5, and I think you could clean it up.
Rhyming & Word Choice
I didn't read all of the other reviewer's notes, but I would disagree with Lumi in that I don't think most of your rhymes were cliche.
For the 2nd line in stanza 4 "But they don't realize" - I have a big problem here. It kills the flow of the whole poem. If there's anyway you could make it fit with the other three lines, it'd really help out the rest of the poem's cohesion. You could consider changing "realize" to process, profess, manifest or some other rhyming words. The 5th stanza also just doesn't fit with the rest of the poem, and I think the poem might actually be stronger with this deleted. Those are just my opinions though - so feel free to ignore!
Overall
Overall - super interesting piece. Like I said, I'm still unsure about what it all means, but you have some unique lines and strong themes here.
Thanks for sharing your piece!
~alliyah
I'm kinda new to other writers reviewing my poems, so when they say I could edit it more, I'm clueless on how to go about that and bring out it's full potential. I changed the "But they don't realize" line, I hope that one fits better. Honestly, if you would like to and have a little time to spare, how could I edit the last few stanzas to make this better? Thanks!
Hey I like the edits that you made on stanza 4! Really helps the flow of the poem. Taking a closer look at stanza 5:
"But who cares if it turns out fair
You just erase and re-prepare
They're just words, no one gets hurt"
The rhyming here is fine in line 1&2 - if line 3 could rhyme, we'd be set.
What is really missing in the this stanza is a consistent flow/rhythm.
I think starting out with "But" makes line 1 a bit choppy for me. The repetition of "just" here also sounds clunky to me. The "if" & "it" are also choppy close together because they're joining the two phrases (unlike how the first two stanzas are all made of two phrases unjoined together) I would try to make this stanza mimick the structure of stanza 1:To break that down to the numerical reasoning:
The syllables are "7(4,3)/7(4,3)/6(3,3)" for stanza 1. Stanza 5 as it stands is: "8(3,5)/8(4,4)/7(3,4)" - while the full syllables are almost constant by line (8,8,7) the phrases that make it up are chunky and uneven - (3,5 etc)... You could try to restructure it with 2 even phrases per line like you did in the first 2 stanzas.
If I re-did it, keeping most of your original content you had I would re-write it as:
"Who really cares, is it fair?
You just erase, then re-prepare
Simple words, no one gets hurt"
This would make the syllable/phrasing break down more similar to the first 2 stanzas.
I think reworking that stanza would really bring the rest of the poem together. Besides that, I think you're good! I hope that was a bit clearer! (And again those are just my suggestions, and I think your poem is still strong without making anymore edits).
I really like your suggestions for stanza 5. Thank you so much!
No problem! Glad I could help!
One more quick question, sorry if I'm bugging you... Should I add a fourth line to stanza 5? I originally put "But they don't know how much it burns", but I can't see that flowing into stanza 6 very well.
If you put it before the the third line in stanza 5, I don't think it'd hurt the flow. I'd take out the "but" and just have "they don't know how much it burns" followed by your line "simple words, no one gets hurt" That would also improve the rhyming of that stanza as well.
I think it'd be a good addition, but I like how it stands now as well.
I don't know yet, I'll sleep on it. I'm tired. Haha! Thank you so much for your help and your patience with me.
You have here a conceptual triumph, but the execution is very sloppy - representing what I feel is a draft in its early stages of development: this is not a bad thing.
In fact, this is extraordinarily good for an early draft. You collect quite a few cliched phrases from harm and danger poetry a la your knife line / words - hurt; however, like I said, the concept is original and triumphant. Keep that in mind, it's important.
If you're dead set on rhyming, make sure the rhyming is triumphant, neat, and clean. Make sure the meter is triumphant, neat, and clean. Make sure everything you do is intentional. Neat. Clean. Because as you move forward with this piece in editing, you'll be making choices that impact the entire structural integrity of the piece. So be mindful.
Analytically speaking, you weave in and out of these games of hangman as a person going along their days killing folks with their words and, like I said, it's a wonderful idea. Don't let it go. Make it as strong as can be. It's not extremely complex and doesn't need to be, but in all things be the one to choose whether you want to complexity in your works or if you want to keep things structurally sound and simple and rely on the power of your surface to really sell your points. That said, the potency does get weaker as the poem nears the end and I'd encourage you to focus your attention in the final stanzas as they need the most help most urgently. Particularly, the ending feels weak for what can otherwise be a gallows-pull of an ending.
I hope this all helps.
Ty
Hi ,
One beautifull way of describing hang man .... its indeed in detail .Well ur rhyming is pretty good. Try not taking it so deep like life n death situation ... If its your way of writing , don't mind .
That's all ... thank you !
Hello!
Wow. There is one thing that I have always loved about Poetry and that is poems can convey intense and strong feelings. This poem is not exception. I love the rhyming, I feel that it flows rather nicely. Your word choice also throughout this whole piece just is filled with emotion triggers and this is something that everyone can relate to. The title is prefect for this poem because it means the reader has to read between the lines and at the hidden/true meaning of your words. The only thing I would change would be how you set up your poem. You go from having four lines to two lines to three lines and I would just go back in and regroup basically. But that is completely up to you. Other than that, wonderful job!
Happy Writing!
-M.
I tried to regroup it better... my brain hurts, I'm tired. I did the best that I can on what energy I have, maybe I can rethink it tomorrow. Haha
I think the regrouping you did was wonderful! The flow really dose open up even more now! Still one of my favorites!
-M.
Thank you so much!