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Language Violence

Intangible Part 8-​Assassin Princess and Protective Instincts

by Josie24

Author's Note: Hi. I have nothing to say for my month of absence from this site except that I had to follow the call of writing fan-fictions. My ships needed me.

The goons looked decently unsettled at the display; so was she. How did I…? I’ve never been so confident holding a knife, but my movements were fluid and unconscious, just now. That train of thought hastily got pushed to the back of her head, and Tabby rolled her shoulders in an unconscious gesture that settled her mind faster than any breathing technique she could’ve used; she needed to be focused, or she’d only mess herself up.

A smirk tugged at her lips. The guy still hadn’t moved, looking back and forth between his empty hand and his knife in hers. He looks as if I just killed his cat. Jeez, chill.

His lackeys shifted on their feet, and Tabby got her first proper look at them. The woman had purple hair and antennae sticking messily out of her head, her eyes looking like that of a bug. Unsettling and creepy. Perfect. The man- Dex, Tabby remembered- had black hair that was sporting a neon green stripe; it hurt Tabby’s eyes to look at it, it was so hideous.

“Let’s just go, Alex,” Dex begged, tugging on the sleeve of the leader’s sleeve hesitantly. “You heard the stories- no one who targets her comes out alive. We can still cross the border to Anedrie before she can gather enough authorities to hunt us down.”

Tabby stayed silent, categorizing the information for later use. Alex snarled at Dex, and at Tabby’s calculating gaze. “She found the passage that leads to the royal treasury- with us escaping through it. We already waited three whole days to kill her; she could’ve told someone by now, but Lily says she took care of it. I’m gonna make sure it’s taken care of permanently, that’s all. Then we don’t have to leave at all, we can do what we always have. Lily’ll stay quiet.”

Tabby burst out laughing. As the pieces clicked together, Tabby couldn't help but to express her amusement at the childish game that had played out before she had even gotten there; all her fear, nervousness, and anger had deflated, and Tabby couldn't help but wonder what kind of messed-up politics she had gotten entangled in this time.

Alternate Tabby was a menace; Tabby had always thought she had been a helpless type, but she had been far from it. Lily had tried to kill her to become the future leader of the kingdom. Alex had been caught like a common thief, and used Lily to get rid of the witness. Then he threatened to tell the authorities about her traitorous act, unless she let him continue to steal from the vault. Actually better thought out than Lily’s plan, Tabby had to give him that.

Dex looked down right scared now, worrying his teeth between his lips at the mental breakdown Tabby was having. Alex looked annoyed, and Purple over there looked like she was about to skedaddle.

“You should listen to your friend-Dex was it? He seems to know what he is talking about.” Tabby’s grin is positively feral, a more common sight since she entered this reality. I always thought I’d be the bookish sidekick, but I’m kicking butt here. Or at least talking smack.

Suddenly, Tabby hears quiet groaning coming from behind her. Tabby curses the change of her luck as Alex is reminded of the two small presences he had dismissed earlier. Alex’s look mirrors hers from earlier, the cogs in his head turning visibly in the glimmer of his eyes. He nodded to the girls.

“Maybe if we take them you’ll be more willing to cooperate.”

“When has that line of thinking ever worked?” Tabby inquired, thinking of her options. Classic fight or flight. Normally, she’d be inclined to fight, but… Tabby looked back at the girls. They aren't dead, but they are in bad shape. There’s no way I can hold the guys back long enough for them to run away on their own, and it’s too dangerous for them to be here.

I came here to protect them. And Tabby’s decision was clear. Almost without thinking, Tabby threw one of the knives at the one called Alex; by the time they looked up, they only saw the swish of her skirt as she dashed through the door carrying both girls.

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46 Reviews

Points: 2914
Reviews: 46

Sun Apr 26, 2020 11:50 pm
IconspicuoslyAlpacaing wrote a review...

This chapter was great! The stories' progression Is getting really good, and Tabby is becoming an awesome assassin princess! The way she adds to the story with her quick wit and commentary make this an extremely enjoyable read. Every character is distinct, and watching the story unfold is great. I can't wait to read the next chapter!

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1130 Reviews

Points: 49480
Reviews: 1130

Sun Apr 26, 2020 11:15 pm
Carlito wrote a review...

Hey there!! Happy Harry Potter Review Day!! It's about time we got this out of the green room :)
Also, I apologize for not reading the previous installments, so I'll be looking at this as a part of a greater whole.

(Also PS, your little author's note at the beginning. TOTALLY understand the call of writing fan-fictions and needing to be there for your ships <3 Glad you came back though!)

I noticed two things in this chapter. First, a relatively small thing but there were some tense inconsistencies. Most of the time you were in past tense:

The goons looked decently unsettled at the display

but then there were times that you switched into present:
Suddenly, Tabby hears quiet groaning coming from behind her.

I think the past tense sounded more natural, but it's hard to tell having not read the whole thing. I think the best way for you to find any tense inconsistencies throughout is going to be to read it out loud to yourself so you can pick up on some of those small things you might not notice just by reading.

The other thing I noticed is that overall I want more showing rather than telling. Like for example here:
Dex looked down right scared now, worrying his teeth between his lips at the mental breakdown Tabby was having. Alex looked annoyed, and Purple over there looked like she was about to skedaddle.

I'd love to see what scared Dex looks like. Shaking? Eyes wide? Mouth open? I'd love to see Tabby's mental breakdown. Is she talking to herself? Laughing wildly? Pacing and not seeing anyone else? I'd love to see Alex's annoyance. Rolling eyes? Sighing? Tapping his foot? What does it mean that Purple looks like she wants to skedaddle? What does that look like?
That kind of thing. I want to see more emotion and see more throughout. This is a really tough thing to master! I know I have to consciously work on it when I go back to edit my stuff.

I'll leave things there for now! This looks like an interesting group and I hope you keep working on this story! Please let me know if you have any questions or if there's anything you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention! :D


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740 Reviews

Points: 28275
Reviews: 740

Sun Apr 26, 2020 11:14 pm
ShadowVyper wrote a review...

Heya Josie,

Shady here with a review for you this fine Review Day, courtesy of Team Slytherin! Let's get started...

How did I…? I’ve never been so confident holding a knife, but my movements were fluid and unconscious, just now.

Okay! So, for thoughts of characters, a big thing to keep in mind is to keep it as natural as possible. Do you tend to think "My movements were fluid and unconscious"? Probably not. You'll probably think more like "Whoa! I didn't even know I could do that!" or "Oh man I can't believe I pulled that off!" Or something similar, you know?

Character thoughts are something that I tend to use sparingly. They can be incredibly powerful when you use them well, giving us an invaluable glimpse straight into our character's psyche. But they're honestly really tough to pull off using regularly, because it's just so hard to keep characterization consistent when you're using a character's thoughts.

Another big thing I noticed as I was reading was your punctuation, so let's talk about that. Punctuation is meant to aid the reader as they are reading your text. We pause at commas; we stop at periods. We realize a thought is added on if you use a -- and we know that the comment is meant to be understood to the side if we use (parentheticals like this).

So, if you use uncommon punctuation, it's really distracting to your readers. And you use a lot of it. I get it's really hard to use punctuation correctly. I am definitely guilty of over-punctuating just about everything I write (this review itself is probably over-punctuated if I'm being honest with myself). In particular, your semi-colons and dashes are overused.

The way I remember how to use semi-colons is "If you don't know whether to use a period or a comma, use a semi-colon"

Of course, that's not a hard and fast rule and there are plenty of exceptions to that. But in a lot of the cases where you have a semi-colon, those thoughts don't have to be connected to make sense. And most of them should be a period instead.

~ ~ ~

Please don't be discouraged by this review! I pointed out several things I noticed that would improve your chapter if you worked on them, but you have an interesting idea as is! Writing is definitely a craft that takes a LOT of practice, and it's taken me many many years to gather as much information as I know now. I know that thoughts and punctuation, in particular, were especially tricky for me to learn early on in my writing days, so I thought I'd mention them here in case it can help you as well! I definitely learned the most from getting reviews and having the courage to continue submitting my works for critique.

This was an interesting story idea and has generally likeable characters! Definitely has a lot of potential!

Let me know if you have any questions!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)


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159 Reviews

Points: 4700
Reviews: 159

Tue Mar 31, 2020 5:08 am
Honora wrote a review...

Hello Josie! I’m here to leave a quick review! Since I don’t think I’ve reviewed any of you stuff, I just want to say that I don’t mean any offence by anything I say. I only want to help you grow in your writing skills so please don’t think otherwise! :D

Also, this is strictly off of this chapter. I have not read any previous ones so dink’s anything I say that could be from lack of information. :D

So to get started...the two main things I picked up on that could use some work are:

1) Any information you gave was given in the what writers like to call an “info dump”. Basically this means that instead of threading your information in with the rest of your writing, you write it all out like a history lesson.
Don’t get discouraged by this tho. It is super hard to figure out and I find even I have a hard time with it still. We can only keep writing and trying! :)

2) You write by telling me what is happening instead of showing me. It’s not interesting being told what to do or what happened like s history lesson (again) but rather shown. Show me what she did and how she felt. It also helps the flow of your writing.

Overall, it seems like you have quite an interesting story going on. I apologize for not reading any other chapters but I wish you luck and all the best! Hope to see you around!

Keep up the good work! :D


See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. Ask for no guarantees, ask for no security.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451