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​Intangible Part 4-How to Hit a Villain

by Josie24

Author's Note: Guess what? I remembered to post on Friday! Yay! Have a lovely week!

When I found the little eight-year-olds, they were doing something stupid. Of course they were. I swear when they were born, it was without any form of self-preservation. But this is a different world? Whatever, they still act like dorks.

Terra and Tammy were bugging the living daylights out of that Lily girl. Which would have been hilarious to watch, had Lily not been smirking. That girl was going to enjoy trying to kill them, but I was going to enjoy giving her flying lessons if she even came close.

“Naughty girls don’t get any of the cake that’s sitting in the dining hall.” Lilith’s piercing voice sing-songed, her Cheshire grin positively gleeful. “Naughty girls get the poison,” She snickered to herself as the girls dropped one more book over the railing onto her head, before speeding off.

“Never suspected you as the type of person to go after little girls,” I said, focusing on shedding the invisibility I had been using to my advantage. Smirks always look better on girls who aren’t transparent, after all.

“Sarcasm. Nice. Unfortunately for those little girls, all I have to do is keep you busy until they eat it. Then you can’t stop me.”

“Stupidity. Nice,“ I mimicked her, inching my way to the middle of the hallway. “You know, they say sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity. You certainly don’t look like a genius, but maybe you’ll surprise me.”

She snarled, advancing on me. I used it to my advantage, taking steps without being noticed in her rage. “You think you can win spitting quips? Obviously, my plan has already worked on you, however smart you think you are.”

“No, you didn’t turn out to be a genius after all. How many cheesy kids’ movies did you watch before enacting this plan? Yeesh, you sound as if you’re trying to convince yourself that the plan will work.”

I finally got into the spot Lilith was previously in as I was talking. Lily unwittingly helped me in the half-cocked plan I had worked out in my head by stepping into the spot I needed her to be in, and I acted. Crouching down, low to the ground, I snatched up one of the books Terra and Tammi had dropped, coming up to smack the dictionary-thick book hard against her face, cracking her head to the side. Her face split open in a line where the hardcover had hit, blood already pooling in the wound. I smacked her over the head for good measure, only dropping it when I saw her crumble into the ground and stay there.

I didn’t know if it was because she took a hint or I actually did some damage, but I didn’t care enough to check. It’s not as if I had a fragile ego anyway. It was firmly planted, way too big to be good for me, and it believed I was a superior warrior, so who was I to judge? Dashing to the stairs, I only hoped I could find the dining hall before the girls got to snack.

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209 Reviews

Points: 4041
Reviews: 209

Sun Jan 26, 2020 6:25 am
EverLight wrote a review...

EverLight here with a review! This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned you may feel offended anyway

Nitpicks & Grammar
You missed a comma after the word course-

Of course they were.

Also you misspelled the word hardcover has hard cover here-
er face split open in a line where the hard cover had hit, blood already pooling in the wound.

[b]Style & Flow[/quote]
As @StarLord pointed out, this seemed cliched somehow. Especially the whole ''Naughty girls get poison'' ordeal. I feel like you also do way more showing then telling as examplified in this paragraph-
Terra and Tammy were bugging the living daylights out of that Lily girl. Which would have been hilarious to watch, had Lily not been smirking. That girl was going to enjoy trying to kill them, but I was going to enjoy giving her flying lessons if she even came close.

How are Terra and Tammy bugging the ''living daylights'' out of Lily?
Just things like that.
Overall this was an okay story, that really touched my sense of humor.
EverLight Out

Josie24 says...

Thank you for pointing out the hardcover mistake.
The girls were bugging her by pelting her with books, if it wasn't clear.
Thanks for reviewing; the suggestions were much appreciated!

User avatar
6 Reviews

Points: 104
Reviews: 6

Sun Jan 26, 2020 3:05 am
StarLord wrote a review...

starlord the allmighty here with a review!
ah think the name lilith is rather cliched. actually, i think this plot seems rather...over used. of course ah love the bits where you talk about sarcasm, see, my girlfriend's rather sarcastic ah apprciate sarcasm other then that ah don't think there's enough emotion in this peace. ah want to know-
.what emotions is your main character feeling facing lilith?
.why is she not scared of lilith?

Josie24 says...

The story and names are meant to be cliche. I'm a sucker for cliche things just because I find them hilarious.
As for the plot, it came to me in a wacked-out dream, so the plot was new to me. I had to decipher it, so it felt like I was on the journey with her too.
I like sarcasm a lot, so most of my stories are littered with them.
Tabby is a think first emotions later kind of gal, so she isn't reacting because she's storing it away to react later when she can.
Lilith is really bad at being bad. Tabby is facing her with the apprehension of a true threat, but is laughing inwardly at Lily's poor attempt at villainy.
She's not scared of Lily because Lily didn't face off against her; she poisoned the alternate universe version of Tabby. She isn't scared because she knows Lily won't best her.
Thank you for reviewing and I hope this helps with a little clarity!

I like to create sympathy for my characters, then set the monsters loose.
— Stephen King