Author's Note: Sorry for not posting this yesterday! Guess what? My uncle's on the transplant list! I made cookies to celebrate. My sister is going to be in Frozen, a play for her school. She's going to play snowflake no. 3, but she's going to be the best one there! Wish her luck, and my uncle too.
Goals and Gossip
Okay. Game plan time. Unknown places, unknown people, a wacko trying to kill the royals… wait, does that mean I‘m a royal too? Yeah, I think my next move should be to explore, stay unnoticed, and find the girls. I don’t even know their names here!
Okay unnoticed. Ummm… I looked at my arm. Maybe… how’d they do it in the movies? I focused on the strip of arm in front of me, and slowly, it started to disappear. When it was completely gone, I grinned and waved my arm in front of my face. When I was satisfied it was well and truly see-through, I focused on the rest of me.
Now to find the girls. I looked around at my surroundings. Fancy. It’s a castle, you idiot. Of course it’s fancy. I was in a hallway, so I decided to keep moving down it for now.
As I got closer to the end, I heard voices. “Those poor girls. Princess Theresa and Princess Tamara must be so worried about Crown Princess Tabitha. They look up to her so much, and now she’s probably not going to make it. Princess Lilith has only been near her for a short time, but she seems to be really broken up about Crown Princess Tabitha’s illness. The King can’t even be there for his eldest daughter because he has to tighten up the security. Someone’s been sneaking into the royal treasury and stealing the funds for new construction. It’s a mess. All the construction projects in the kingdom have been stopped.”
Thank God for gossiping maids. I must be called Tabitha in this new world. And I’m the Crown Princess? I guess I won’t be keeping that title for long. Theresa and Tamara must be Minnie and Mandy. Lilith must be dog-girl. The rest sounds like the plot of a cheesy Robin Hood type of movie, only the thievery is from both the rich and the poor. I debate about going and asking them about where to find Terra and Tammy, instead choosing to continue exploring on my own. How could I explain how the disembodied voice of the coma girl is asking for directions around her own home. Palace. Home-palace.Whatever.
I hope I can find them before Lily does; it’d be a shame to hit a girl on my first day on the job. No it wouldn’t. Who am I kidding? It’d be fun.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
^-^ Hellooo, kitty here with a review for you!
I was gonna review this earlier, but being the major procrastinator I am, I kinda forgot...
*ahem*
Ooh, interesting... this chapter actually cleared up a lot of doubts I had in the previous chapter. I really like the main character; she's just so funny... even in a pretty serious situation she's acting all sarcastic and funny and it's actually quite enjoyable to read.
I really don't have a lot to say about this chapter because it's fairly short and it's mostly about our main character eavesdropping the maidens talking about the princesses. However, I'm glad that this chapter cleared up some of the doubts I had earlier. It makes it easier to read on and holds my interest
My only critique is, this chapter seemed a bit...rushed. Maybe you can add a bit more detail and pay a little more attention to the surroundings and the current situation she's in rather than fully focusing on the thoughts she has. I'm sorry if I'm making you confused with my comments... >.< If something's not clear, ask away!
^_^ This was quite interesting to read and I really hope the main character manages to save her little siblings and herself too this time! ^-^
Onto the next chapter!
Keep writing!
writerkitty
Thank you. All of my writing is a little rushed; I can't seem to make any of it longer without being boring or adding details I'm saving for later. Any tips?
Hmm... well you could add in a bit of detail when the character is walking/floating through the castle. Rather than saying 'it's a castle' maybe you can describe it a bit. What makes her figure out that it's a castle, you can add in a little detail about what she sees.
And I'm sure a bit of description won't make the story boring.
Another instance is when she's eavesdropping on the gossiping maids. Surely, she must've felt some fear, anger or even worry when the maids are talking about, giving that she knows who's behind it and all. You can that to the last paragraph you've written
Just FYI, I haven’t read any of the preceding parts of the story, so I don’t really know everything that’s going on.
Specific Comments:
I was confused by the sentence “a wacko trying to kill the royals… wait does that mean I’m a royal too”. I don’t understand the connection between those two thoughts.
I haven’t read the first parts of your story, so maybe turning invisible is something the characters do normally. But if not, the fact that the narrator turned invisible was a total shock. How did she turn invisible? Where did she get this power? Is it Princess Tabitha’s power, or her own?
I was confused by the sentence “Princess Lilith has only been near her for a short time”. If she’s a princess, isn’t she Tabitha’s sister? Then why has she only been “near her” a short time? What do you mean by “near her”?
How does the narrator know she’s Tabitha, and not one of the other princesses? If she’s Tabitha, shouldn’t she be in bed, sick?
What do you mean by “I hope I can find them before Lily does; it’d be a shame to hit a girl on my first day on the job”. What will Lily do to “them” that is so bad the narrator would have to hit her? And who is Lily? Is she Princess Lilith? I’m assuming the “them” you’re referring to is the princess; if so, why would it be a bad thing if Lily found the princesses? Would she kill them?
General Comments:
I was impressed by the originality of your story. The idea of a person reincarnating as different people to save others was quite interesting. You clearly have a whole world mapped out in your head. However, sometimes the way it manifested was a bit difficult to understand.
For example, your sentence structure is extremely disjointed. There are many places where you have one word sentences, like “Fancy” and “Palace”. Most of your sentences are extremely short, with a staccato-like pace, which can be bumpy for readers. Short sentences can be useful in certain circumstances, like trying to communicate the terror of the narrator, but they can be distracting when they are used more often than necessary.
The story also read almost like stream of consciousness; the narrator’s thoughts just flowed from one to another, with little or no connection, at least a connection the reader could understand. This made it very difficult to read, as the narrator leapt from one idea to the next, without allowing the reader space to understand and digest what had just been said.
I was also quite confused by the plot. There was an intense urgency to the narrator and their actions that I didn’t understand. Why is it so important that the narrator has to find the princesses? You never mention what’s going to happen if she doesn’t find the princesses, and I would think that would be foremost in her mind. That would be lingering in her mind- the fear of her own failure, and the consequences. I was also confused as to why would someone would want to kill the princesses. What is their motivation? Is the kingdom going through some rough time economically? Has the king made some bad decisions? If so, why not just kill the king himself? And Princess Tabitha already seems to be on her deathbed, so it would be pointless to try and kill her. I also don’t understand why “the king can’t even be there for his eldest daughter because he has to tighten up the security”. If someone’s eldest daughter was dying, I imagine nothing would be able to keep them apart. Even if security concerns took up a lot of his time, I would think he would find some moments to visit his daughter.
However, I did like the fact that there was always something going on. I was never bored while reading your story. I look forward to reading more of your work!
Thank you for reviewing! No offense, but I don't have any idea where to start with answering questions if you haven't read any of the other parts. This story doesn't really make sense without them, does it? The connection between those two thoughts is Tabby realizing that since Lily tried to kill her, that she must be royal because Lily is targeting royals.
Tabby is, essentially, a ghost, so turning invisible is something that is new to her, and unusual for any of the other characters (who aren't ghosts).
Lilith is a step-sister, so that explains the short-time. The near her bit is that the King and Lilith's mom had a whirl-wind romance, so Tabby only just met Lily (this is something I'm explaining in a later chapter) and hasn't really been around her much.
Tabby is having an out-of-body experience in this chapter, and in some of the future chapters.
Lily is the harmless bad guy, and them is referring to Tabby's dorky and helpless little sisters that Tabby is sworn to protect. The answer is yes; Lilith would take pleasure in killing them.
Lilith's motives are made clear in earlier chapters; she's trying to, without being caught, climb to ladder to become the next ruler.
Thank you for the comments on the perceived viewing of the chapter, it is good to hear mistakes I made from an unbiased viewpoint.
I hope this helped; I will certainly try to make some corrections based off of your review. Thank you!
Questions
This was...random? All over the place? Why was there only one maid gossiping? When do Tabitha's thoughts end, and the story begain? Shouldn't it be harder for her to find out her identity?
Critique
.I notice that there's not a lot of emotion in this chapter. She just found out she'll be called Tabitha. Some level of shock should be required there, yes?
.This chapter seems uncoordinated somehow. I'd wager that's because the ''gossip'' didn't seem genuine somehow. You need to have two maids gossiping. I mean, you've got ''voces''. (Note the plural 's') Secant, you don't give us any indication of when Tabitha's thoughts began and or end.
.More description please. Readers need to know what this castle looks like, what your main character looks like etc etc.
.You need to show us what's going on in Tabitha's head. She has to be desperate to find her sisters, yes? Then show us that desperation.
Keep writing,
JazenKnight
Thanks for pointing this out. I forgot to add some information, I guess it just got caught in my head.
There was only one maid gossiping because the other there was listening. She did say something, but Tabby didn't care to listen so she doesn't.
Tabby's thoughts really continue throughout the story. This is being told by Tabby, so it's really all she is experiencing, all she is thinking. However, her thoughts are identified in italicized lettering.
It probably should take longer for her to find out her identity, but this is major cheese in the cheesiest of ways, and I felt like maids gossiping was the way to go.
Tabby is focused on finding out as much as possible, so as to be able to help her sisters. She hasn't really processed the information; she just has her game-face on.
The castle is not really apart of what I'm trying to write (i.e. plot/story wise), so I add the descriptions willy-nilly or just when they are needed for the plot. I'm working on that, so other chapters will have that description.
Such as what Tabby looks like. Her inner personality is what matters most, so I will still bring that out, but I haven't given a description of her appearance because I'm still laying it out in my head. I had an idea of what animal she'd take after, but I read a few comments/reviews and felt a different vibe on what I had wrote.
I hope this helps, and as always, thanks for leaving a review! I appreciate all the help I can get.