Young Writers Society

I'm totally confused... Is this just a part of something bigger? It seems a little random and bizarre. Well anyways, on to the review.

Your characters seem dull and boring. They seem like they are just dolls being played around with, not real people. They seem, relatively, like the same people. They both talk the same, their emotions are the same, other than one being like a normal bully.

Spell check, spell check, spell check. In the third paragraph you said 'putt' and unless Bogart has some type of accent you said, 'let them be a lesson for future' Should be let them be a lesson for THE future.

One last thing, you seem to be writing in fractured sentences: 'Jimmy meet Bogart at the park entrance. Bogart looks nervous. Jimmy hands him money.' You could probably make that into a sentence or two.

I don't understand what this is meant to be. I guess in a serious of other scenes with these characters it would make sense, but this doesn't even seem to be a whole scene in itself. There's no full movement. You cut it off half way, maybe 'cause you think it makes it feel artsy or truer, but what it does, at least as I read it, is hollow out these characters and make them seem like empty vessels to carry your words. I want people. I want people meeting at a part and exchanging money and some words they maybe read somewhere. I want real people who say things and then go on to do whatever they have to do together or maybe apart, go eat something and mix ketchup with hot sauce or some specific habit they have that makes them real. I don't want vessels. You wanna talk to me, just say it to me.

Other than that, what you gotta do is proofread your writing. *put, *through in the paragraph that starts "Don't be late".

What's good about this is that you have me wondering. I wanna know about the life beyond this half-scene, beyond these few lines of dialogue. Who are these people and what kind of relationship do they have that one can say to the other, "don't be late", and late for what? So as dissatisfied as I am now, I still want to read good stuff about them.

This was a short piece, so this is a short review. If you have questions or want to talk more about my review, send me a PM. Keep writing. I may wander over to one of the related pieces I see on the sidebar. Lemme know on my wall if you'd like me to check out any specific one. c: