Jimmy and Bogart are sitting at the park entrance. The sun is rising. They are both drunk, dizzy, Jimmy is asleep. Empty bottles of Jack roll from Bogart to Jimmy, He opens his eyes, sees how Bogart lights up a cigarette. Bogart takes a deep draw, slowly breathing out the smoke. Bogart's already sober, at least he looks sober to Jimmy.
- Hey Jimmy!
- Yeah?
- What's wrong with love? What's wrong with people?
- What? ...I don't see anything wrong - Jimmy grinds his eyes - They love hating eachother.
_______________________________________________________
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,339 Literary Works • 672,106 Reviews
All I will say is this:
I wish I knew how to grind my eyes.
A little confusing. What is going on,really? They are both drunk,understandable but really why? And the random question from Bogart to jimmy and his reaction. what was on Bogart's mind and what is jimmy saying? 'Jimmy grinds his eyes' is something I don't fully understand, does he rub his eyes to keep back the headache/ hangover or...?
Ah, okay. Just an idea, but I think you should really enlarge a bit, even for a intro, it could use to be a bit bigger.
Your first paragraph is a bit jerky, I'd advise trying to separate it a bit more.
The grammar is lacking in periods, and has an extra comma in there. Fix that and it would be much better.
" Jimmy grinds his eyes" would be more grammatically correct than - Jimmy grinds eyes -.
But, this is something I could see you basing a story on, it would work well.
Your grammar definitely is better in your dialogue than in description.
Ah, keep writing, enlarge this a bit, and you might get somewhere great!
Hiya~ Just a few things here:
Jimmy and Bogart are sitting at the park *entrance (misspelling). [The] sun is rising.
Empty bottles of Jack *roll (singular) from Bogart to Jimmy. He opens his eyes, sees how *Bogart (capitalization) lights up [a] *cigarette (misspelling). **Bogart takes [a] deep draw, slowly breathing out the smoke (in this sentence, you jumped from the present tense to the past tense). Bogart's already sober, *at least (two words) he *looks (misspelling) sober to Jimmy.
In that last line, it's kind of a weird skip from speech to narration. Try using quotes when having someone speaking. Or, if this is a script-style, bullets are fine, but make sure to separate the narrator's part from the characters.
Keep writing!
~ Stigma