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Untitled Project - Chapter two

by Javshanidze


lines because I'm that man who wants to watch world burn.

____________

This voice is getting annoying.

I should see dad.

I got up. Mom’s still asleep. I leave.

I’m walking the streets. Not thinking about anything. My mind is frozen like a glacier. Universe can’t sense the presence of my thoughts any more. I can’t attract anything – bad or good or evil. My thoughts froze to my mind. I can’t feel my face, can’t move my eyes, I’m trapped.

- Hey Jimmy!

I’m my dad’s house.

- Hey Jimmy…Are you okay, son?

- Am I okay… yes I am, Dad, how are you?

- Are you on drugs?

- Not yet!

- Huh?

- Of course I’m not on drugs. By the way – I don’t even have a money to buy drugs, okay? So that shit’s closed.

- So now you’re cussing.

- There’s no women in the house.

He always thaught me to treat women right. I always learned the other way.

- …Teenagers.

- Old man.

- Son, do you have a girl?

What?

- Since when are you interested in that kind of stuff?

- I don’t know…

- Well…

- You do like girls, right?..

- Whoa… You think I’m gay?

- Fag…

- Thank you dad!

He laughs.

- I’m just joking son!

- That isn’t funny.

I’m starting to smile too.

- So you do have a girlfriend?

- Nope.

- Why?

- I don’t know.

- Get a girl, get a drink, lose those headphones. Come on, be a man already!

- I will pops, I will.

We sit in silence. I like my dad, I like my parents. I don’t really talk too much with dad, but if I do, it’s a nice conversation.

- I must leave now.

- Where are you going son?

- Out. Out. Fresh air and stuff…

- Okay. …You need money?

Suddenly he has money? I would use couple of bucks but…

- Nah, I’m cool. C'ya Dad!

- Bye son.

I’m walking streets. I notice Tiffany. She’s walking on the other side. Walking slowly.

- Hey Tiff!

I crossed the street.

- Hey Jimmy…

- You know, I woke up today.

- Cool.

- You’re getting used to my weird not really jokes, right?

- Yes, Jimmy, I do.

I hear despair in her voice. I touched her arm. She swings her arm.

- What’s wrong with you Tiff?

- Nothing…

- Shit, you don’t look like “nothing.”

- And please, could you stop cussing so much?

- Well, okay, Mother Teresa.

- Go away…

- What?

- Leave me alone!

I stop. She quickly disappears in alley.

I better go see Bogart. Maybe he can save me. If I get that job I’ll have something to set my mind on. Drug dealing – it doesn’t sound so bad. I’ll be untouchable. Everybody will start to like me, I’ll be invited to any party. Yeah, it isn’t so bad.

I’m going to the park. Wind is getting stronger, I can hear it screaming in my ears. The sound that perfectly fits the environment of the city and they blend together, becoming one.

“Park of beauty and dreams” – I think I’ll read that loud anytime when I’ll see it. What’s so beautiful about beauty or dreams? Moment ago I was dreaming about being a drug dealer. Damn.

Bogart is there, in the woods, with his fire. Walks around it, tries to make it stronger.

- Yo Bogart!

- Haya, Jimmy… Do you have any wood?

- Nah man, I don’t. Woods are all around here… - I point at trees.

- Yeah, but I don’t have an axe to make firewood. Do you have an axe?

- No, I don’t.

- Do you have five bucks?

- No.

- Then get lost, kid!

- Every day you’re getting crazier.

- I’m not crazy, I just talk shit that’s crazy.

- What about the thing we talked yesterday?

- I thought you would forget.

- What?

- You know, you’re a kid and um… kids are stupid.

- Real classic philosophy Plato.

- Yeah…

- So?

- So what jimmy?

- Man you suck!

- Relax, I got something for ya.

- Continue, please.

- I asked around, old friend of mine is in drug dealing for the city. He can hook you up.

- Cool, cool.

He stops talking.

- Bogart!

- What do you want, kid?

- So where should I meet this dude?

- How the hell should I know?

- You remember that you will get five bucks every day, right?

- I do.

- Great.

- So listen. I’ve already told him about you, I said: “he’s a teenager, really smart and good guy. He has a lot’s of dumb friends. I believe he can manage all that shit.” And he was like: “okay, tell him to meet me, so I can talk with him.”

He stops again.

- And how can I see him?

- You know that old theatre house on the separating road of first and second block, right?.. I forgot the name.

- Right…

- You don’t know?

- I’ll find it.

- There’s only one goddamned building on the… The Ninth road, yeah.

- I’ll find it!

- Isn’t that your girlfriend with some fag boy on the bench?

Bogart points, I look back.

- Yeah… She’s not my girlfriend.

- She’s not? Why then?

- Why should she be?

- That’s a good point. So, at 3:00 Am, be there. People will be waiting for you. If they ask, say that you’re looking for Paulie.

- Okay.

- Now I must go.

- Go where?

He’s going to the park fence.

- I have thousands of things to take care of.

- What things?

Bogart climbs the fence and jumps from ledge.

Shit.

I hear Tiffany’s voice.

- Hey let me go…

I turn around. I see she’s standing near the bench. I start walking towards her. I see that guy, he’s holding her.

- Get lost!

He’s trying to say something or he’s talking, I can’t elucidate. I’m close.

- Leave me alone Frankie!

Frankie? I push him. I scream:

- You heard the girl!

- Wha..? who are you?!

- So you have eyes online, huh? What about your ears? She told you to fuck off, asshole!

He pushes me back. This was a mistake. I threw my headphones to Tiffany. He pushed me again, I fall. I get up, he tries to hit me but his fist just blew by my face. I kicked him. He kneels. I kicked him again, he fell back. Tries to get up, I punch him, grabbed him with his shirt and started punching his face. My fist hurts. It doesn’t stop. I see blood coming out of his mouth, nose…

- Jimmy! Stop!

I beat him up real bad. I feel Tiffany’s hands on my arms, forcing me back. I stop. He barely moves. This isn’t because of him being asshole, nor because I like Tiffany. It’s because I’m tired, I’m tired of being in pain. I let go of his shirt. He falls. After a minute he starts talking:

- Jimmy, right? Jimmy from first block… I’ll get you jimmy… I’ll get you …

- What is wrong with you?- Tears are coming from Tiffany’s eyes like waterfall.

- Where… where’s the hospital? Tiff…

- I…

- Where is it?

I grabbed Frankie. I’m carrying him with my back. He’s heavy, but somehow I’m not getting tired. I feel it, but I don’t mind. My perceptibility just sink in deep holes of my brain. Only urge appeared , urgeto get him to the hospital. Like it’s my duty. I like myself because of this. I’m not a bad guy after all.

Doctors are all over Frankie. I’m sitting in the hallway, on the floor. Tiffany walks up and down. My mind is slowly coming back, I think.

“Wake up Jimmy!"

You better run Jimmy. Run fast! Like a freak from a freak show, who just realized tragedy of the circus! People around us, you don’t see their faces. You think they have no faces, just a structure of a body that makes its self to move. So you better run, Jimmy! Run like hell, cause you’re afraid. You are afraid that one day you’ll turn in to them. You are afraid there will be no way back. Don’t look back, Jimmy! Just run! Nobody’s going to help you or save you – no music, no mom, no dad, no Tiffany – nobody! So just run! Like an outcast. Cause one day – it will claim you. It will get to you, like a rat… you are a rat. You are too soft, Ugliness of the world strikes you like gunshot, but it doesn’t kill you, it hurts. And your pain is deep, it surrounds your mind, your bones ache, your flash rots, the soul torments – I can hear the scream! It will get harder with every sun rise, with every dawn, with every hour and every minute. So just run Jimmy! Run like a rabbit! Run rabbit! Run!”

Then it stops. I start to hear Tiffany’s voice.

- …What’s so dark about your life, Jimmy? What’s so evil about it? What makes you to be like this?! You are alone. You don’t care about anyobody and nobody cares about you. What I saw today… I think you should see a doctor.

- He started it…

- You know what I mean.

- I didn’t asked for your opinion, and I certainly don’t need it.

I grabbed my backpack… And I’m running! I got out from hallway. Staircases seem endless in a blur of a moment. I stop at parking lot. Running isn’t my choice. I’m scared? I’m not scared. I don’t feel sorry for that bastard. I don’t feel bad about myself. Only thing that I care about - I left her in the hospital hallway. Tiffany!

- If it’s hard for me, it must be hard for her too.

I’m talking to myself at the hospital parking lot. I must go back. I’m heading back. I see her, she’s coming towards me.

- Jimmy don’t go there – she stops me – his friends came. They’ll kill you!

- I wanted to see you.

- Why you left then?

- I don’t know… Are you all right?

- Yes, Jimmy, I’m all right.

- So… um, Is that thing between you and Frankie over?

- You are idiot.

- Is it?

- Fuck you Jimmy!

- Where are you going?

- Home.

- Can I accompany?

- If you don’t kill me…

- I’ll think about it.

- Not funny.

On the way home we don’t talk. We’re at her home.

- Okay Tiff, cya around…

- Yeah… you’re crazy, Jimmy. I mean really crazy. You should see a doctor.

- Okay.

“Wake up Jimmy! Wake up and run!”

Streets turn dark as I walk through. And I’m shifting shapes with it, changing my color to blend in. Becoming a shadow in the alleys. My feet walking on their own, I may just keep up with it. And time flies.

So I got to the theater. Old place, walls all smashed up, tagged. Ugly tags, not ones you’ll see in other places. This city used to have a nice graffiti artists. Or that’s just what they say. I got to the door. I’m trying to open it, it just fell off, damn. Where am I supposed to find the… I don’t even know who? There’s no sign of living here. Maybe Bogart lied, stupid old man. He doesn’t know shit. Sent me here in middle of a night just to scare the shit out of me. This building is falling apart, it is kind a creepy. But I don’t want to leave. It kind a express itself his way, describes the city. Talking with me without the words. Maybe I’m not alone, maybe city talks to others too. I’m wandering trough halls. Only good thing that comes up to my mind are memories. Good memories. Not mine, but others. Others who enjoyed being here, when this was a nice place. Rayge city. City of villains. Maybe people seem villains to me because, there are no heroes. Tragedy of a child – there are no heroes. Only you. And who you’ll be? It’s up to you to decide. Hardest decision of a child – decide who you want to be: aquaman or human torch? Rayge city will find your faith, it will live for you if you don’t. I used to say “I’ll die when my dreams die.” But I haven’t dreamed for a while now. Am I dead? Fuck you Bogart! Whatever, I’ll sleep here. One bench still remains. There’s “the country for old man.” Lousy-old rotten bench. Ah… Horizontal state feels so good. Fuck this city, fuck Bogart… and Tiffany too. I’m falling asleep. It feels so nice. …Someone is poking me with a stick. I can’t get up. They poke me harder.

- Wake up Jimmy!

- Wha..? – I can barely see him in the dark.

- So you’re the guy, huh?

- What guy?

- Bogart sent you, right?

I notice he’s holding a gun, it was no stick!

- Wow man! Get that shit off my face!

- Quiet!

- Get that thing away!

- I said quiet!

I’m quiet.

- Now sit down.

I didn’t even notice how I got up. I sat.

- You wanna deal drugs?

- Um… guess so.

- Guess so? What answer is that?! Billy! He’s shitting me?

I notice the other guy, he stands aside, smoking. He’s a bit fat. He’s in suit, wearing beret. But I can’t really see who I’m talking to.

- Hurry up Paulie! We ain’t got all day! – Man in beret throws away cigarette.

- It’s the middle of the night, Billy…

- No shit!

They’re quit for a moment, but Billy turns to me.

- So, kid! Do you want in or not? You see my partner’s a bit impatient.

- Yeah, I want in.

- Now listen kid and listen good. I usually don’t do business with brats like you. Only reason that I conversate with you is because of a good friend of mine. Your ass would be history for coming here if it wasn’t for Bogart – so respect elderly.

- I think that’s privilege…

- Shut the fuck up while I’m talking! – his voice is smooth, soft vowels, real calm. – nobody cares about you, if your trouble isn’t trouble for us. So don’t danger yourself. Don’t fuck with the police, they’re paid, but don’t mess around them. If you see a cop or cop car – just walk away. Do your shit quiet. Don’t do drugs. Remember, you are dealer, not user. If you start anyway, we won’t get along. We don’t need no crack heads around. Capici?

- Yes sir!

- Good. Now. – Paulie handed him packet, filled with pills – here’s the pills. Nothing too serious: Xanax, Vicodin, Ecstasy and one new pill, we call it “Pink shift”.

- Pink shift? – Paulie didn’t get the name

- Yeah, Paulie, they call it like that. I don’t remember the real name, it’s messy.

- But why pink?

- I guess everything turns pink when you take it, I don’t know… who cares?

- I’ll need another, smaller packet – I’m putting the packet in my backpack.

- Another packet?

- Yes.

- What for?

- To give out for free.

- Did you hit your head with something?

- No.

- You know how much these stuff costs?! I’ll tell you fucking much!

- I know.

- Really?

- Yeah. But my friends must know what are they paying for. I’ll give one batch for free, people will try it. They’ll probably like it, right? They will ask for more, but then it will cost money, a lots of money. We can even double the price. People aren’t buying drugs because they’re not addicts. They don’t know what are they rejecting. But you can easily manipulate addicts. They’ll do anything to get money for drugs.

We're quiet for a moment. I’m looking at Billy, then at Paulie. Paulie breaks the silence.

- We know that, kid. Okay. We will give you another packet. But where are you starting from?

- Um… uh… there’s a party tomorrow night. I’ll head there.

- Okay kid, you make sense, take care.

- What about money? To who I must…

- We’ll pay you a visit every now and then.

- Well, okay.

- We outta’ here.

Whoa! I thought this would be much harder. Something tells me Bogart did a lot more then I asked him for. No one trusts rookies like that. You must see him, I’ll do that right away, hope he’s in park. That old man creeps me out. I got up. Left the old theatre. Sun is coming up. It will get a bit warm. Morning sun is so beautiful. There’s something about it, like it’s brand new. You can stare at the red, flaming ball and eyes won’t hurt. I wish it was always like that. It’s a brand new day. Let the sunshine in, in your heart and soul – if you have one. New day begins with new choices that I made. I’m gonna outsmart this guys. By the time they get where I’m standing, I’ll be gone. They won’t catch me, they just move wrong. Their mind is just too corrupt to figure me out.


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1220 Reviews


Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

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Tue Feb 05, 2013 1:20 am
Kale wrote a review...



lines because I'm that man who wants to watch world burn.

Um, what? This doesn't make any sense, and it looks like there was text before this that got cut off. If that's the case, you should fix that. Things are already confusing enough with the nonstandard dialogue punctuation compounded by the lack of action tags.

Dialogue aside, another issue that makes reading this chapter a rather formidable task for any reader are the massive clumps of paragraph that make up the non-dialogue bits. They're really big and visually quite intimidating, and I'll bet they've scared away their fair share of readers who might've otherwise prevailed against the dialogue.

Paragraphing is quite tricky, but a general rule of thumb is that every time you talk about a new subject, start a new paragraph. Paragraphs help make text, especially long pieces of text, much easier to read for your readers, which is always a good thing. Just be careful not to go so far with your paragraphing that you wind up with very short paragraphs, because those can be even more annoying than massive paragraph chunks, and they also make your writing appear much, much longer than it actually is (which can scare away readers as well).

With that said, the story itself is just too unbelievable for me. A crazy, bored kid decides on a whim to start dealing drugs? That I could buy. But mix it in with how easy everything comes to him, and any semblance of plausibility just completely falls apart, especially considering how apathetic he's been made to be. He's also not a very interesting or sympathetic character, which leaves me wondering why the story even bothers to follow him, of all people.

The story itself, on top of all the dialogue hijinks, just doesn't make sense, and there's really nothing in this story that makes me want to continue reading it, to be quite honest.

What are you trying to accomplish with this story? Right now, I can't really see any reason why things are the way they are, and that more than anything else kills any motivation I might have had to read this.




Javshanidze says...


next time I'll add some Jesus and blood. ^_^



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711 Reviews


Points: 600
Reviews: 711

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Sat Feb 02, 2013 8:53 pm
ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Hey Nidz!

Shady here with your review.

Okay, this looks interesting. I don’t read much modern, un-traditional grammar things, so please forgive any ignorance in this review...

My mind is frozen like a glacier.


presence of my thoughts no more.
~ Any.

He always thought me
~ It should be ‘taught’, not ‘thought.’

- I must leave now.
~ This sounds really stiff. Not like someone would really say. “I have to go” if you want it to be formal, or “I’ve gotta go” if it’s casual, like kids usually talk to their parents.

- Where are you going son?
~ You use ‘son’ too much. You don’t say “Hey Bob, how are you Bob? Where are you going Bob?” Fathers use ‘son’ to address their sons, like you use given names to address friends and such.

- Okay. …You need money?
~ An eclipse. It’s not free standing, it separates the two comments. Nix the comma and the space—just three dots.

Cya’ Dad!
~ “See ya” or “C’ya”—but the second one is sort of text lingo-ish, and I wouldn’t recommend it.

She swing her arm.
~ ‘swings’ or ‘swung’.

Mother Teresa.


She quickly disappears in alleys.
~ She’s one person, she can’t disappear into multiple alleys, so it’s ‘an alley’.

Moment ago I was dreaming about being a drug dealer.


Hay, Jimmy
~ Hay is fed to animals. You mean ‘hey’.

- So what Jimmy?


- Continue, please.
~ He goes from “Man you suck!” to “Continue, please.”? That fast?

When someone is quoting someone within a quote (which is dialogue) you usually use single quotation marks, and you capitalize the first letter. So “He’s” and “Okay” should be capitalized.

There’s only one gad damned
~ “goddamned” is one word, and I highly advise against using it. I curse myself, my mom yells at me nearly daily for it. But a lot of people, myself included, find curses like that offensive. I *hate* using/hearing or reading god or Jesus used in a curse.

I don’t see why someone would beat the heck out of someone else, and then make the effort to take them to the hospital...and especially not stick around in the hallway. This makes no sense.

You are an idiot.
~ “You’re an idiot” is more casual.

But you can easily manipulate with addicts.


U must see him,
~ No! Bad! “You”, not “U”, it’s never ‘u’.
~~~
Hi!

So you had a really interesting storyline here. Several grammatical errors, but easily correctible. The way you use dashes instead of quotation marks is interesting. I haven’t read anything quite like it, so it interested me.

I think you’ve got a fairly good storyline here, but I didn’t fully understand it. You flit around a lot, and you don’t have very much character development. However, it was still interesting and I enjoyed it.

If you need any more help or have any questions, feel free to PM or wall me.

Keep Writing!

~Shady 8)




Javshanidze says...


Thanks for your review. Some of my grammatical errors are really dumb (and I feel dumb, and I should), I'm always in hurry to publish something. As for word about god... Well, I can't say anything because it's the character who speaks that way.




"My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together."
— Bishop Desmond Tutu