Young Writers Society

Hey Jav!

This is Zephion and I have the honor of reviewing this fine work today. First of all, it is an interesting idea, one that confuses me a bit, but I like it. Next, you should run a spell check on it and reread it for grammar issues. I find that if you read it out loud to yourself you will catch most of these errors. For example, you spelled "standing" wrong in one place. I knew what you meant, but it's just good to fix these things. Also, there is this sentence,

"Jimmy looked up, stared at him a while."

This sentence is just not quite right, but Insee two ways you could fix it. Either you can put an "and" between "up" and "stared", or you can change it to "staring". Either one of these would improve this sentence immensely.

Plus, there is a tense issue when you use the word "shout". This needs to be chafed to shouted. Now, I'm sure some of this has been said before, but like Insaid, just reread it and your good piece will get a lot better. If you have any questions feel free to let me know. Thanks for sharing!

Zephion

Hello!

Starleene here!

First off I want to say that this is a good idea, I think that you just need to expand on it a little more. It has potential. So I'm going to start the review in 3...2...1..GO

What point of view are you telling this from? Pick that then you can continue from there.
Are the readers going to be able to see what all the characters are doing and thinking or are they only going to be able to see and hear what the main character is doing and thinking? That's a pretty important part don't you think?

Also, you don’t need to state the characters names in every sentence; if you chose a point of view that wouldn’t be necessary on the first place.

The dialogue is horrendous. What usually helps me get realistic dialogue is taking a note pad and doing some recon. Go out to the mall or the park or even your school and write down what people say. Notice the natural pauses and how the mind will drop one subject and take off on a completely new subject without fully completing the first thought. Think about that.

I like that you’re trying to use synonyms for words but sometimes the over use of words can make a piece worse and it then become stuffy.

What’s in Bogarts’ bottle? What is the bottle? How did Bogart end up at the park? Why isn’t
Bogart working that day? How come he didn’t see Jimmy at the bus stop?

“Bogart didn't saw anyobody walked up to him, he's not working.”

Saw should be changed to see and walked should be changed to walk.

“Bogart headed toward the bus stop, with his beverage bottle.”

No comma necessary.

‘"Hey!.. Jimmy!" - bogart shout and waved at him.”

Shout should be changed to shouted. Keep in mind the tense your piece is written in.

“Jimmy looked up, stared at him for a while.”

The comma can be replaced by an and. The fluidity would be much better.

‘"What's up Bogart?" - Bogart hardly heard that.Jimmy looked away and started staring at his feet.”

Space the J in Jimmy from the period after that.

“Bogart crossed the street, he's stangind in front of Jimmy.”

You seem to cut into a lot of actions. The actions have to come alive and be fluid. “Bogart ambled across the street, paying no head to the honking of the car horns, his eyes were on the down cast head of his friend Jimmy.” Just keep in mind that each character should have its own style and words. A character is a person after all and not everyone is the same, therefor, each character shouldn’t be the same.

"Hey Bogart..." - Jimmy took his headphones off.

If Jimmy was wearing headphones would he have heard Bogart earlier when he called his name? In reality, if Bogart had called out Jimmys’ name and Jimmy had been wearing headphones, Jimmy would never have acknowledged that Bogart was there and would have continued what he was doing.

‘"What bus are you waiting for, kid?" asked Bogart, knowing the answer.”

How does Bogart know what bus Jimmy is waiting for?

‘"I'm waiting for the bus that won't show up, Bogart" Jimmy blowed on his hands to warm them up.”

…blew on his hands…

“Bogart started drinking, the bottle got empty. He puffed.”

Bogart drank until the bottle was empty. Much more to Bogarts style. Think about your characters; think about what they would say and what they would do.

‘"Well, Jimmy, you're too late..."’

What is Jimmy too late for? Is he late for the bus? Why is he late? Why is the bus never coming?

Alright, I think that’s all of my review.

If you have any questions feel free to message me. Keep Writing!

Starleene Out.

First thing :-
It's not bogart shout, correction - shouted.
It seems some very general typing mistakes..which is okay, you should check it before submitting, though.
Now, the main thing.
It's incomplete...so you really don't get whatever its happening, why so?
Not to be rude but this seems like as a random scene which just popped in your head and you wrote it...
You should first think, plan, write, revise, edit and then submit if you want to improve and get marvellous reviews.
Best of luck!