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Young Writers Society


12+ Language

My Window

by JSadler


I stare,
Through the smudges where
my fingers have pressed up
longingly against the glass.
Through the specks of dust and dirt,
carried by the twisting wind
to land on these panes, blocking
my longing gaze out at the world
beyond my window.

My window,
with its slender white frame
to peer through like the unfinished edges
of a streaky canvas painting.
The curtains hang loftily either side,
mocking me with their intricate patterns
of flowers and vines and green swirly stuff,
that frame my view of the world.

My window,
Icy droplets of rain cascade
from the silver clouds in great white sheets.
They land on the window
and trickle languidly down the glass,
leaving blurred trails of water
that the sunlight glares through
in distorted, bright flickering beams.

My window,
which I examine meticulously,
tracing my finger carefully
over its crisp transparent frames.
Which I examine to prevent
any glimmer of thought of the world beyond
from crossing my empty mind.
There is a universe of vibrant colours,
outside this glassy barrier.
Inside, I just see grey.

My window,
I imagine shattering it
into a million tiny shards of glass.
I dream of the fragments slicing 
my skin, so bright red blood
can dismantle my world of grey.
In my head, I leap through the frame,
into the warm rays of the yellow sun.
I feel the wintry rain fresh on my face,
the wind hastily rushing through
my hair. I long for that freedom.

All I can do is stare,
past the curtains and the frame,
through the smudges, the dirt and dust,
beyond these fucking panes of glass,
and dream of the world
outside my window.


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User avatar
5 Reviews

Points: 282
Reviews: 5

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Mon Jan 15, 2024 11:50 pm
LunarAirPollution says...



Hi,
I really enjoyed reading your poem. I thought you made great use of imagery throughout this work. You eloquently illustrated not just what the narrator is seeing, but also feeling (physically and emotionally). I also enjoyed how you revisited the beginning of the poem in your final stanza, reiterating the reality of the situation without seeming repetitive or redundant.
My constructive criticism for this work is in regard to the third stanza. Each of the other stanzas begins with a very short line (just 2 words mainly), but stanza three does not do this and rather jumps right into the poem full force. I thought that this disrupted the flow and creates an inconsistency in the otherwise repetitive style of each section. The beginning of the final stanza (despite having more than two words) still works with the style, as it calls back to the first line, now with more context. Style consistency may just be a personal preference of mine, but generally I think it can really help with flow and rhythm.
Overall, this is a great piece of writing that brought to me a clear image of blustery winter rain and the despondency of feeling trapped.
Great job and keep writing, you definitely have a way with words in your descriptive portrayal of the setting and mood building.




User avatar
5 Reviews

Points: 282
Reviews: 5

Donate
Mon Jan 15, 2024 11:50 pm
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LunarAirPollution wrote a review...



Hi,
I really enjoyed reading your poem. I thought you made great use of imagery throughout this work. You eloquently illustrated not just what the narrator is seeing, but also feeling (physically and emotionally). I also enjoyed how you revisited the beginning of the poem in your final stanza, reiterating the reality of the situation without seeming repetitive or redundant.
My constructive criticism for this work is in regard to the third stanza. Each of the other stanzas begins with a very short line (just 2 words mainly), but stanza three does not do this and rather jumps right into the poem full force. I thought that this disrupted the flow and creates an inconsistency in the otherwise repetitive style of each section. The beginning of the final stanza (despite having more than two words) still works with the style, as it calls back to the first line, now with more context. Style consistency may just be a personal preference of mine, but generally I think it can really help with flow and rhythm.
Overall, this is a great piece of writing that brought to me a clear image of blustery winter rain and the despondency of feeling trapped.
Great job and keep writing, you definitely have a way with words in your descriptive portrayal of the setting and mood building.




User avatar
78 Reviews

Points: 159
Reviews: 78

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Sun Jan 14, 2024 11:14 pm
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ariah347 wrote a review...



Hey JSadler! Welcome to YSW! I am a big poetry fanatic [my favorite to read/review]. I saw this in the green room & figured I'd give it a review. I'll be serving a review Oreo [my favorite cookie!]. I hope you're hungry (๑ᵔ⤙ᵔ๑)

For the first cookie 🌑: we will discuss the positives because who doesn't like to hear the good things first? I found four elements that make this work a great read. 1) Your use of imagery. This poem vividly describes a longing to break free from the constraints of the window, using sensory details to paint a clear picture of the scene. Bravo. 2) Your use of symbolism: The window becomes a symbol of a barrier separating the vibrant world outside, creating a powerful metaphor for confinement. This adds depth and layers of meaning. 3) The depth this reaches:
You've explored deep emotions, particularly the desire for freedom and the contrast between the dullness inside and the vibrant world outside. You drew me into that feeling through not only the scene and its imagery, the symbolism, but the realness felt within the emotions this evoked. 4) Lastly, there are some "thick" words and language used here. This line stands out:

Mocking me with their intricate patterns

as well as this one:
Trickle languidly down the glass

These carefully chosen words convey a sense of frustration, longing, and desire. Word choice can heighten meaning, enhance reader engagement, and also really add or take away depending upon specifications of lines and stanzas. You have earned the title of wordery [words + wizardry] for the magic behind this!

For the cream ⚪: For most people, the cream is their favorite part of the Oreo, but for this Oreo, it has been dubbed as improvement/suggestions to improve. My only suggestion is a personal preference: making this rhyme and flow better. While all poetry does not need a notable rhyme scheme, line length/meter, etc., it does help readers through when poetry has a musical/lyrical like quality. You could experiment with varying the structure of the poem to add dynamic elements. This could involve playing with line lengths, stanzas, or even incorporating rhyme or rhythmic patterns to create a flow. That being said, even without these elements, this has cadence that feels suiting for spoken slam type poetry.

For the last cookie ⚫: I'll summarize what I interpret from this. My interpretation is that it dives into the raw emotions of yearning for something more beyond the confinements of everyday life. It captures the act of peering through a window, feeling the cool touch of glass, and watching raindrops create fleeting patterns, speaking to the intense desire to break free from the mundane, symbolized by the window. The differences between the dull interior and the imagined vibrancy outside captures longing for a richer, more colorful life. Ultimately, this taps into a universal experience of craving freedom, connection, and vivid life beyond the nuances. Kudos!

As a fan of text art, here's one of a window:
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿
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⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⠀⣿⠛⠛ ⢻⡇⢸⡇ ⢸⡟⠛⠛ ⣿⠀⣿⠀ ⠀⣏⣸⣿⣿
⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⠀⣿⠀⠀⠀⢸⡇⢸⡇ ⢸⡇⠀⠀⠀⣿⠀⣿⠀⠀ ⠈⠋⢸⣿
⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⠀⣿⠀⠀⠀⢸⡇⢸⡇ ⢸⡇⠀⠀⠀⣿⠀⣿⠀⠀ ⠀⢸⣿
⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⠀⣿⣀⣀⣀⣸⡇⢸⡇⢸⣇⣀⣀⣀⣿⠀⣿⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿
⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⣀⣿⣀⣉⣉⣉⣉⣉⣁⣸⣇⣈⣉⣉⣉⣉⣉⣀⣿⣀⠀ ⠀⠀⢸⣿
⣿⣧⣴⣾⣿⣿⡏⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⢹⣿⣿⣷⣦⣼⣿
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿


Wishing you well wherever you are in the world!
•𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮, 𝓪 ♡︎•





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