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Ink on Paper

by JSadler


Hi, I am very new to all this, this is only the second poem I have ever written, and the first I've ever shared with anyone. Thank you for taking the time to read it and I hope you like it! Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. :)

Ink on paper

They say literature is a waste of time,
that language, art, music are pointless,
that science and logic is all that matters,
that the world is just a problem that needs solving.

They see the world as a plain piece of paper.
A white box.
A closed door.

To me it is an embroidered tapestry,
An engraved mahogany treasure chest spilling over
with gold and jewels that glint in the sunlight,
The open gates of a towering mansion.

Their 'ink on paper' is whole worlds,
fantasy, romance, dreams, adventure, poetry,
A universe of joy, sorrow, love and life ready
to be explored, all contained in the
yellowing pages of an open book.

And for all their intelligence they're too stupid
to see beyond the words on the page.
Beyond the ink on the paper.

The irony is that those people
will never listen to what I say.
However loud I scream through these words, through this paper,
they will not hear me

Because this is a poem.

To the people who do listen,
who can listen,
I don't need to tell you,
you already understand. 


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13 Reviews

Points: 146
Reviews: 13

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Sat Jan 06, 2024 5:54 am
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WordWeaver1357 wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm here to weave a quick review!

First Impressions
This is a wonderful poem that talks about the importance of art and imagination. It talks about looking beyond the printed text or written words, imagining vast lands, connecting the dots, and building your own worlds. Personally, I think the message conveyed through this piece is vital.

Things I loved
Like I mentioned before, I love the message you're spreading through this poetry. The imagery and descriptions in the third stanza are spot-on and beautifully written:

"To me it is an embroidered tapestry,
An engraved mahogany treasure chest spilling
over with gold and jewels that glint in the sunlight,
The open gates of a towering mansion."

Another one right here:

"They see the world as a plain piece of paper.
A white box.
A closed door."

I found a stanza which is, perhaps, the most powerful one in this piece:

"The irony is that those people
will never listen to what I say.
However loud I scream through these words, through this paper,
they will not hear me"

Wow.

Things to improve
Not much is there to be improved (according to me). The things I mention in this section, are of course, up to you to consider or not as the author.

The last stanza seemed to lose power after the one before it- it just seemed a bit like the passion, the energy had depleted. (That's just my view.)
Also, the line breaks could have been executed better.
For example, this line:
"An engraved mahogany treasure chest spilling
over with gold and jewels that glint in the sunlight,"

Perhaps it could have been like this:
"An engraved mahogany treasure chest spilling over
with gold and jewels that glint in the sunlight,"
Even though it's a TINY change, I feel like it's a little less distracting.
Note: This is MERELY a suggestion!!!


Overall, a beautifully woven tale. Very well done!
- WordWeaver1357




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Points: 237
Reviews: 4

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Fri Jan 05, 2024 6:10 pm
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GWM wrote a review...



I have always said that science is the killer of imagination! we used to look up at the stars and create stories to map them. And now that we know that they are big balls of gas that are burning out the world seems boring. this poem embodies much of what I believe in. Art can heal the mind more than people give it credit for and I am not just talking about the act of doing but also understanding human work. Weldone on your poem you should be very proud and happy.

Giles




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16 Reviews

Points: 2591
Reviews: 16

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Fri Jan 05, 2024 7:37 am
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Irishpride13 wrote a review...



Hello JSadler thank you for posting. its Intimidating to post at first in the short time i have been on this site. i have learned this Community is very Accepting. keep it up.

first Thought after reading passage one.
with out Language there would be no science.

are they are Afraid to open the door Or are they just comfortable with their white pages?

Did you say a picture is worth 1000 words, but you have to know those 1000 words to describe the picture. I love your analogy. (I don't think I'm using the right word.)

o me it is an embroidered tapestry,
An engraved mahogany treasure


But we need those books, and we need the " Bookworms" To make our advancements.

There is a life outside of the pages If you're willing to look.




Irishpride13 says...


i wrote this Under the influence.



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Points: 389
Reviews: 4

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Fri Jan 05, 2024 4:05 am
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silkrat wrote a review...



Hello! I am also very new to this site, and this is the first review I have done on here so forgive me if it is subpar or confused. As is typical, feel free to ignore anything you do not think is useful for your piece.

Initial thoughts:
Wow! Your imagery is really effective! I loved the descriptors you used, especially in stanza three. It's chock full of rich imagery that bleed with the writer's love of the craft. I especially liked "An engraved mahogany treasure chest spilling/
over with gold and jewels that glint in the sunlight" the bit of wordplay used with the line actually "spilling over" into the next was really clever. Overall, this poem is very passionate.

Strengths:
Once again, the use of imagery is delightful. This does not read like your second ever poem! Very well done! The ending is quite captivating as well.

Weaknesses:
Some of the line breaks could use work. The line "And for all their intelligence they're too stupid to see beyond the words on the page." could be split into two to match the flow of the rest of the piece. Think of line breaks as a way to frame the important parts of each sentence. Have you tried reading this poem out loud to yourself? It could help you suss out where the breaks can be most impactful.

Final Thoughts and Suggestions:
This is a well written poem for a beginner. In the 6th stanza, the line "However loud I scream through these words, through this paper," could be a neat spot to use some repetition regarding the description of the paper. "A white box./A closed door." can be flipped on its head and used with another meaning here, if you feel like that is something you want to do. Once again, feel free to disregard anything you do not think is applicable! you are a talented writer, and obviously know this poem better than anyone.

Thanks for trusting us to read your work!
-Silk





Light griefs are loquacious, but the great are dumb.
— Seneca