Hello! I read your poem and really wanted to write my thoughts on the piece. First, I want to thank you for having the courage to share your poetry online, it takes a lot to share that part of your mind with strangers who can pick it apart. I will begin with things I found favorable in my eyes before moving on to any suggestions (if I have any). Let’s begin!
→ I want to begin by saying I felt really drawn to review and give thoughts on this poem. The two stories, and perhaps poems themselves, combined into a singular work means that these two must connect somehow. The titles seemed to go together, I was intrigued to know more.
→ Upon reading the first.. Poem? Part? Section? Forgive me. “What lies beyond?” displays a curious narrator who tends to go too far in questioning and wondering more about the world, or in this case, the brick. The imagery is very well done, as well as the language that displays how the narrator feels (with words like “dying” and “yearning”). The story leads the audience down a road and it almost feels like a movie! The ending of this section shows a hopelessness, to which the narrator struggles with the possibility that what lies beyond is nothing.
→ In “A journey beyond” the story/narration picks back up in a different way. While the first stanza seems to be a flow of thoughts and feelings, which can be shown by the lack of stanzas, this one feels more organized and structured, which shows a shift in emotion of the poem and even narrator themself. This section is jam-packed with imagery as the story becomes more fleshed out! It immediately jumps into action, which strengthens the curiosity performed in the first section.
→ The second section is really well-written. With clear images, strong structure, and smart grammar use (also done in section one). The language in this section is truly captivating, with words like “malevolently” “ominous” “ethereal” and even the ending word “incandescence”. It gives a poem an almost fantastical vibe. Sometimes writers tend to stuff their words with synonyms and big words in attempts to seem very professional and intelligent, and in many of these instances, it brings the writer out of the poem because they have to look up the language used. However, in this poem you used beautiful words that fit well within the poem and did not disrupt the flow or confuse the reader.
→ Overall, I think these two poems together work really well to show feeling + story. It feels very fleshed out and well done and I honestly have no suggestions or critiques!
As always, keep writing and never give up on the things you feel passionate about.
- Lullaby *ੈ✩‧₊˚
Points: 339
Reviews: 21
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