Hey In-Jung15!
Welcome to YWS! My name is Elinor, and I thought I would drop by to give you a quick review on your essay. Thanks for joining the community and I hope that you've had a fantastic time here so far. My orange name means that I'm a retired mod, so you can either ask me (or other orange names) if you have any questions, or any folks in light or dark green.
I appreciate this essay, and I'm wondering if you wrote it on your own or for a class assignment. Either way, I find it commendable that you chose to tackle this subject, since you mentioned, it's something that you've personally dealt with. While a lot has been written and analyzed about depression, it seems like there are still so many misconceptions about it. So it is absolutely worth continuing to write about.
Right now, what strikes me the most about this essay is that it's a little on the short side. While I appreciate how concise it is, I think there are more examples you could give. There are a lot more reasons other than relationships that people can be depressed and want to take their own lives. Being in a happy relationship or marriage doesn't preclude someone from depression.
Take Kurt Cobain, for example. He was married and had a very young daughter at the time. He seemed to really love her, so after his death he was sharply criticized for leaving her behind. But in his suicide note he says he thought his daughter would be better off without her. While I don't think you're implying that with your piece, clarity can definitely be important so someone doesn't take it the wrong way.
Best of luck with this piece, keep writing and feel free to reach out if you have any questions.
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