Young Writers Society

Heyooo! First off, I read this the other day and was going to leave a review/comment. I genuinely thought I did, but since re-reading, I realize I did not! So, here I am again, actually doing the thing, LOL.

Let's go ahead and get to it... I'll start with initial impressions and what I know. The title drew me in immediately (so much that I returned twice!). It's vague enough yet also specific. I initially thought it was going to go exactly where you took it. The internal dialogue and struggle between fighting the demons of hating yourself, compounded with the negativity perceived or genuinely displayed by parents/caretakers/role models/guardians, etc., is this passage's overall focus/theme/centrality. Your focus on mental health is portrayed here with a focus on the representation of a child's reaction to critiques of their parents. It hit me immediately as I grew up with a mother like this. That said, this felt like it was ripped right out of my mind and typed out on YSW. Congrats on capturing that perfectly. I'm unsure if you have any personal experience with this, as sometimes our work reflects direct experiences. Regardless, if you did/do, bravo on writing this in a manner that feels authentic. If you didn't/don't, bravo even more on the ability to replicate an experience that you have no personal ties into. Sometimes, writing about things we don't understand or haven't experienced can come across as ingenuine. It can turn readers away when they sense a disconnect or an inability to relate to what's trying to be conveyed.

In terms of critiques with this, my main focus was on your use of ellipses. There are moments when you used three dots (...) and others of two (..). Also, I felt it was a little overused. There's also some punctuation where commas, periods, etc., are missing. While these did not disrupt the flow of the read, it helps when you are intentional about dialogue, characteristics within the body of work, and grammatical rules. Repetition can be a great tool in any literary work. It is not limited to words and metaphors and can include ellipses, but like other things, it can be when there is too much of something that it can start to detract from the whole thing. One thing I learned in college that applies here and with any writing is to use a voice-to-text tool. When a computer reads something, it reads it without any cadence, following exactly as it is. I know I have a terrible habit of reading my own work sometimes, regardless of what it is (even for work), and we can be blind to our own mistakes or how things may come across when someone else is reading it. This may not help you, or you may not find it useful. Take that as you will!

Overall, I found this to be profound. It hits precisely the target you were aiming for. The most remarkable work, to me, takes you somewhere. It may be to a memory, a wonderland, an emotion, etc. You took me back, unfortunately, in this case! However, I'm happy to say that my relationship with my mother has dramatically improved as I've gotten older. I second your message about looking out for the littles. I'm a teacher of little ones myself (preschool), and that ideal is one I hold dear to my heart daily! Wishing you well wherever you are in the world! <3

internal dialogues are tricky, but i love them anywayyy

youve got an interesting relationship between the voice of doubt & voice of reason here. its a bit tricky to tell who is speaking at times. you might want to try to make it clearer when its the character talking to themselves vs their inner voice chiming in. there is a difference, yes. it might help to sprinkle in some descriptions or actions here & there to give us a better sense of setting.

youve really nailed the rollercoaster of emotions here. its clear that the character is going through frustration & this helps us connect with their struggles. for example the passage ends with the character apologizing to themselves. this could be a turning point for the characters growth or a shift in the story. think about where you can take it from there.

there are a few minor grammar & punctuation things that need fixing, but nothing that cant be sorted with a quick proofread. keep an eye out for ellipses and capitalization. with a little polish & some tweaks for clarity sake, this could be an interesting examination of character.

envy

Hey! Stopping by for a quick RevMo review.

Thanks for the little note at the bottom. As a reviewer it's nice to have some clarity on what your intent is with a piece of writing.

I think you do a pretty solid job of accomplishing the goal you set with this work. It's very clear from the dialogue that the narrator struggles with self-esteem stemming from very typical adolescent mistakes. They are self-aware enough to know their parents judgement is a big problem, but still not quite able to internalize that, which is a pretty common place to be at for kids these days, especially as we grow up with more and more access to therapy language.

You accomplished your goal, so I'd call this work a success. Now let's dive into the things you can do to make this even better.

1. I don't think the ellipses are doing you any favors. They really break apart your writing, and could largely be replaced by commas, period stops, or paragraph breaks. I would limit your ellipses to places where you really want to drag out a moment.

2. This piece is really vague in terms of the specific context surrounding the narrator's internal feelings. While I understand the instinct to be vague so that a situation is applicable to anyone, I actually find that it helps a story to really ground it in its setting or context. It doesn't have to be the entire context--I don't think it's a bad decision to never really confirm what mistake the narrator made that led to this incident (the suspense of this actually helps. It could be anything, of any severity, which could sell how out of proportion or unkind the parental reaction is), but I do think having a little bit more description of the room the narrator is in during this, or maybe the method of parental punishment, could help make this feel more real and thought-out.

Last thing: your dialogue tags need some variety. I spotted a lot of shouting (often consecutively), and you have this habit of adding a phrase to the tag to give it more emotion, like "shouted in frustration." It's not a bad thing to use 'said,' or even to do what you're doing with the added phrases, but I would encourage you to add some new techniques to your dialogue options. You can leave out a tag entirely, use 'said,' use a stronger verb, or use a long tag with some additional emotions and actions. Using a variety of tags and tools around your dialogue will keep it from getting repetitive, and actually makes the dialogue feel ore natural.

Hope this helps,
-Vento