Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
“Oh would you look at that … another one of your great famous screw-ups” A voice talks casually within me.
“What was it this time, the dishes? The garbage? Ooh ooh I know, it was the laundry wasn’t it?” The voice continues , it almost seems like ... he’s enjoying it.
“Leave me alone, not in the mood” I say to myself as a whirlwind of emotions stir inside me, rekindling past experiences of my so-called “mistakes”.
“Oh come on, I'm just messin’ with ya’. It's really hilarious that you still try though” The voice says.
“Wh .. what do you mean?” I ask in curiosity, despite my current mood after getting yet again reprimanded by my parents.
“What I mean is do you really still believe that they, sorry, OUR parents are capable of giving unconditional love? I mean come on!!! You should know by now that as long as you're imperfect they’ll always find a way in the end to hate you” The voice continues in a rather stern tone.
I try to shake it off, focusing back on my tasks, doing what I am expected to do.
“Oh that’s just typical, yeah yeah, try and shut me off, pretend like your parents aren’t doing anything wrong” The voice mocks me sarcastically.
“Seriously dude piss off” I hiss at myself, getting more and more annoyed by the minute, frustrated at the voice inside, as the tears continue to try and force their way out of me. I clench my hand as tight as I can .. wanting to slap myself to shut the voices down again.
“Wow, you’re gonna start hurting yourself again as well? Damn, must’ve been some big pile of laundry you forgot” The voice laughs.
The anger and hatred starts to boil within me, I stand right up, staring at myself in the mirror. “Don’t you fucking dare mock me like that” I shout to myself.
“Then how about you just accept the fucking truth you moron!!” The voice shouts back at me, its mood getting a bit more serious by the minute.
“What truth?!” I shout back in frustration. Just then, my hand raises itself and slaps me hard across the face. I feel so enraged, I want to hurt it back.
“YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TRUTH I MEAN” The voice shouts in a painful tone. “Just face the truth for fuck’s sake, why can you not just accept the fact that they will never love you unconditionally. You’re nothing but a mere fucking trophy to them, that’s all.
“Who was there for you, hmm? All those nights, when you cried yourself to sleep in the confines of your own fucking bed, when you cried yourself day after day, sure you may have gone to sleep and was able to simply forget about it but I was still here hearing every fucking word again and again and AGAIN!!! Failure, Worthless, Idiot, Psychopath, Sociopath, Pathetic, on repeat again and again.” The voice continues its raging argument.
“And what did you do? Oh you couldn't still see that our parents were the issue, so what did you do instead? You blamed yourself, you blamed us, even at times to the point where you thought that you weren’t worthy of your dream of being an athlete” The voice says in frustration, as I still feel the heat radiating off of my cheek that was slapped.
“YOU FUCKING SWORE TO YOURSELF, to never lose sight of that dream! To hold it tight when things get rough, and countless of times you almost lost it, and I had to stay there every night, holding on to the little faith we had.” The voice continues.
I glance at the mirror, as annoying as the voice may sound, he’s right. I fall onto the bed, in search of some balance. My breath gets heavier and heavier, I can barely say a word , as tears overflow my eyes and drip down onto the blankets.
“Im … I'm sorry” I say to myself, as I turn the lights off, staring numbly off onto the moonlight feeling nothing but emptiness within my chest. The numbness starts to consume me, I can feel it running through my veins, I can’t quite describe the feeling, it's almost, relaxing, like anesthetic. I feel the tears stream uncontrollably down my face.
“I'm sorry I let you down” I say to myself with a tearful, shattered voice, barely close to a whisper.
Long time no see!!
I'm not sure how familiar you guys are with some of my past writings .. but long story short .. most of my writings are tied into or linked with mental health in some shape or form. This one in particular represents the perspective, typically of a child with foreign parents, especially Asian parents.
I wanted to kind of represent the thought process that may go on in a child's mind when they are somewhat wrongfully or harshly reprimanded for something as little as forgetting to take the trash .. or forgetting to do the dishes.
Its so horrifyingly sad how many children develop trauma and the fear of failure due to these types of situations. Everyone should understand fully that people are going to make silly mistakes all the time .. and it will be repeated a lot to.
However, not allowing your kid to fully understand such a concept, that mistakes are okay and its what makes us human, can deeply damage their self-esteem and self-worth.
Please look out for our fellow young ones ...