The place where I once laid my head upon,
Has turned from angelic white to crimson red.
The place I used to rest early day and late into the night,
Has been defiled and is screaming with shame and guilt.
The place where I usually talked and ate and drank,
Was pure but now accused of being an accomplice.
The knife of doing much evil may have vanished,
But the fear on my face is still fresh as the morning dew.
The place where I lie humiliated and dead,
Is where I shared some intimate moments.
The place where the vessel of unforgivable malice,
Was a place I satisfied my thirst and hunger.
The place inside of me, my heart,
A place I once stored up my love,
Has broken and stopped beating, and here,
On my bed, I lie naked, shamed and dead.
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141,261 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
I tried to pick the poem with the least reviews to review xD And plus, I like the title, it interested me x3
First small nitpick:
When I look at this, right away these two line stick out as being the shortest:
"The place inside of me, my heart,
A place I once stored up my love,"
Not a huge deal though, but it would be nice to kind of average out the length of lines.
Another thing that sticks out it it feels...I don't know. Like, flat. Urm...oh! I know! No rhythm! It makes it boring, but I feel like you kind of helped that with your use of words.
Ummm...I honestly don't know what to say, this is pretty good. Just needs some rhythm
-Kams
Thank you, Lylas :33 you're amazing!!!
This was one of my earliest poems. Ouch. It is really terrible xD
But, thank you
You are the amazing one!
A great poem!
It looks like you have thought well through your words in this poem. You have a nice vocabulary, using different words so the reader don't get bored.
I see you've followed a pattern with ''The place where...''. In your seventh pattern you used 'The knife' instead, and I feel like that kind of ruined the flow in your poem. It's just my opinion of course, not saying you have to change it.
My favorite line in your poem must be the end:
Beautifully written lines, I say.
Keep on writing!
- Zontafer
Thank you Zontafer!
Thanks for pointing that out!
I will take your advise into consideration!
You're welcome! ^^
Hey, Traunt!
I can't detect a rhyme or a rhythm here. Even free form poetry has a certain tempo to it, something the reader can follow and something that makes the poem a poem and not just broken up prose.
I don't really understand what is trying to be said here. The place is being accused as an accomplice? A place, I don't think, can commit crimes. I'm not sure what you were trying to convey with this couplet, but I think a re-writing may be in order so you can accurately depict to your readers what you want.
What? "The knife of doing much evil" doesn't make sense either. Did you mean, maybe, "the evil knife" or "the knife of evil"? Again, I think you may need to revise.
The place where the vessel of unforgivable malice did what? When you say "The place where", something needs to happen, you can't just move on.
I think the main problem with your poem is improper use of vocabulary and simply sentences and phrases that don't make sense when you put them together. I think the main idea you're trying to convey is that she died of a broken heart, but I'm still not sure if the death is figurative or literal, or even if she died of a broken heart. To sum it up, I'm really confused.
I'd suggest going back through this and clearing up what you're meaning to tell your reader. Maybe it's just me, but I have no idea what was going on. I'm sorry if that sounds mean.
-RP
Hey! XD
So I can only assume that this work is written from the perspective of a corpse: 'On my bed, I lie naked, shamed and dead.' So assuming that it would be in retrospective? I dunno, it is a little bit confusing.
Having said that, I admire what you are creating with the premise here; and the title is highly interesting and was what drew my attention to this piece in the first place.
I feel that sometimes the language is a little bit cliche, as with here: 'Has turned from angelic white to crimson red.' However, it still gets your point across to the reader.
The use of punctuation is elementary and simplistic.
I like this work.
Keep writing.
~BSF
Thank you for your review! Much appreciated!
Anytime.