Good morning moon,
good night sun,
my biological clock
has come undone.
I have bad jet lag
And not a wink of sleep,
my stomach's soon growling
after I've had a bite to eat.
The first day is the hardest
but it gets easier from then,
and when I get back home
I'll be a hopeless mess again!
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Great job! Even though I never have travled out of my state, I know how hard travling is. My favorite part, ''The first day is the hardest, but it gets easier from then, and when I get back home, I'll be a hopeless mess again!" I love how you put a bit of attitude at the end. I love this poem you have written! Its very detailed and funny. Keep up the awesome work!
Corgisrock22 ps: Sorry I commented twice it glitched
Great job! Even though I never have travled out of my state, I know how hard travling is. My favorite part, ''The first day is the hardest, but it gets easier from then, and when I get back home, I'll be a hopeless mess again!" I love how you put a bit of attitude at the end. I love this poem you have written! Its very detailed and funny. Keep up the awesome work!
Corgisrock22
This is a pretty funny poem, great job! Just a few things.
1. The poem goes, "my stomach's soon growling/after I've had a bite to eat." I think the wording might be better as "my stomach's growling /I've only had a bite to eat."
2. It says, "The first day is the hardest/but it gets easier from then," I think you mean, "The first day is the hardest/but it gets easier from there,".
3. One last thing: you wrote, "and when I get back home/I'll be a hopeless mess again!" It might be better if you tried, "but when I get back home/I'll be a hopeless mess again!"
Again, great job! (And sorry for the nitpicks.)
-IronSpark
Thank you Iron!
great review. I'll take that into consideration.
Traunt! Since you have been so kind as to review my poems, I must return the favor ^^
But I suggest taking them out because they did cause a slight delay in the rhythm. However, this is only how I perceived the comma use, other people might think differently. So don’t worry too much about them, but I’ll point it out anyway 
I really, and I mean really liked the whole “good morning moon” line. Since it’s kind of a reference to “Goodnight, Moon” and then you go and make it your own. It’s perfect <3 I especially appreciated the rhythm of this poem, which you have made consistent throughout the whole piece. That’s key, and you mastered it here.
I think the punctuation could be worked on a little bit. Especially with the commas. Since you already have periods in the poem, why add any more punctuation? I don’t know if I’ve said this enough in poetry, but once we come to the end of a line, we already pause automatically, because it’s in our nature to pause at the end of a line. I mean, if you want to create a longer pause, keep those commas
These two lines are a little off to me. First off, I would add a period instead of a comma after “then.” I get you’re trying to add one after every four lines, and a comma at every second line of each “new idea” (yes, I don’t know how I caught that, but I usually don’t pay too much attention to punctuation consistency -_-) But the period after “then” felt right. Also, I always read that kind of “then” as “then on:”
“The first day is the hardest
But it gets easier from then on.”
Again, you don’t have to change anything if you don’t want to
I don’t know if this was intentional, but I love how you have this kind of alliteration in there with the ss in hopeless and the ss in mess. It was pretty well done, I’ll say
So I know this is just a simple poem to describe the messed up times when you went to a different country but I was hoping for some more showing rather than telling, or more metaphors or personification. I don’t know why I think this, because the poem is really good right now. If there is any way to enhance your word choice, find it! Like with the line “I have bad jet lag”; I know this could have more words to it.
“The jet lag is at its worse” spices things up a bit, I think. There aren’t too many “I”s in the poem, but a line like this kind of mixes things up. Again, a suggestion you don’t have to use
So YAY. THIS WAS AWESOME.
I expect to see this in the Literary Spotlight by tomorrow<3oh and our TBT convo will happen. Soon. Sometime. In the near future. I’m pretty sure of it. WHOODYUntil then,
Grr I didn't post it as a review -_-
You are awesome at writing poem reviews, and awesome at writing poetry <3 Thank you lovely!!!
it shall be. We will talkpfft me being awesome? nahhI love this! The structure of the poem is very tidy, the rhymes work well without betraying the meaning of the poem, and the topic is very modern and relatable. Your first two lines just express the nature of jetlag so perfectly, the juxtaposition of the times of the day was brilliant.
The only thing I'd suggest you change is the line "After I've had a bite to eat" to "After having a bite to eat". I can't say why that line didn't seem to flow for me, but just test it out and see which way you prefer it.
Good stuff!
Thank you, my dear friend <3 Your review is loved and appreciated!