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Changed

by IAmMe


Remember when

You and I were

So alive and

We never thought it’d change?

Remember when

We had hopes and

There were no ropes that

Could ever hold us back?

~

Well look around now,

Can’t you see how

Everything’s changed?

We’re not the same.

~

So many years have

Brought too many tears and

Now we’re chained

And our hopes have been drained.

~

Remember when

We were stronger and

Knew we’d last longer

Than those on their knees?

Remember when

You said you’d never give in

You said you’d keep living

And you’d always be free as the breeze?

~

Well look around now,

Can’t you see how

We’ve both been changed?

We’ll never be the same.

~

Remember when

I tried to warn you

Of the end

But you pushed me away,

You said you’d be okay,

You couldn’t see around the bend?

Well now you’re here,

Facing your fear,

Brought to your knees,

Crying for mercy,

But there’s no one to hear your pleas.

~

This is the end.


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73 Reviews


Points: 1442
Reviews: 73

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Sun May 25, 2014 9:25 pm
Zontafer wrote a review...



Hello, Zontafer here to review your poem!

First off, I lived the way you started out with questions. It kind of wants me to keep on reading, to find out how the rest of the poem goes.

And you’d always be free as the breeze?


Great simile! Loved it! ^^

Remember when

You and I were

So alive and

We never thought it’d change?


Can’t you see how

We’ve both been changed?


I like how the the questions are so similar to each other. It almost feels like the second one is the answer to the first one.

To be honest, I didn't quite like 'This is the end.' at the end of your poem. Not trying to be picky here, but it just seems like a cheap way to end the poem. I'd rather cut that line and let '...pleas.' be the last part of your poem.

Anyways, great poem with a clear message! ^^

Keep on writing!

- Zontafer




IAmMe says...


Thanks for reviewing! :)



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272 Reviews


Points: 3455
Reviews: 272

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Sun May 25, 2014 9:16 pm
cleverclogs wrote a review...



Hello there, and happy review day!

This is a really... true poem. Society does change us, and you've really portrayed that well. I like how it tells us the past by asking questions, instead of just telling us. That kind of repetition is great.

I must admit that I was worried about your rhyme scheme when I first started reading this. It seemed a little erratic and inconsistent, especially since it was usually the second-to-last words that rhymed, but I was surprised with how well you pulled it off. In some spots, though, it sounds a little clunky, like you're using words that don't really make sense in order to rhyme, like here.

Remember when

I tried to warn you

Of the end

But you pushed me away,

You said you’d be okay,

You couldn’t see around the bend?


The line, "You couldn't see around the bend" doesn't really make sense. I think it's referring to the fact that the speaker's friend didn't see the change coming, but it's a little choppy. You might want to find a better wording there, or at the very least take off the question mark. I think that would make it sound more foreboding.

That example was just one. That doesn't happen often in the poem, because it's so well-written. It really captures the dangers of society well, and I enjoyed reading it. Very impressive and well done! Keep up the fantastic work!




IAmMe says...


Thank you! :)



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41 Reviews


Points: 2018
Reviews: 41

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Sun Apr 27, 2014 12:55 am
AlmondEyes wrote a review...



Hi there! I just finished reading your poem, and I must say bravo!! I should let you know I like to recap what I read and what I think as I go through. Let's get started;


Remember when

You and I were

So alive and

We never thought it’d change?

Remember when

We had hopes and

There were no ropes that

Could ever hold us back?


I liked how you began with questions instead of just starting in on it. It made me wonder how the poem was going to turn out. I also liked how you didn't rhyme until the next stanza.


Well look around now,

Can’t you see how

Everything’s changed?

We’re not the same.


This is where you're telling the person something's changed. That's what I think.

So many years have

Brought too many tears and

Now we’re chained

And our hopes have been drained.


You're saying that some much time has gone by that's caused so much...I'll go with strife for now, and that's it's held you down and kept you there.


Remember when

We were stronger and

Knew we’d last longer

Than those on their knees?


The only reason I point this point this out is because I'm not actually sure what that means, but I like it anyway xD


Remember when

You said you’d never give in

You said you’d keep living

And you’d always be free as the breeze?


I like how you compared being free to a breeze.


Well look around now,

Can’t you see how

We’ve both been changed?

We’ll never be the same.


Something has happened that's changed the both, and there's no going back to the way you two were.


Remember when

I tried to warn you

Of the end

But you pushed me away,

You said you’d be okay,

You couldn't see around the bend?


You're kind of saying that "I told you so, and looked what happened" right here. They didn't listen, and look what's happened now. Then you're saying what sounds like to me "you didn't think this would happen?"


Well now you’re here,

Facing your fear,

Brought to your knees,

Crying for mercy,

But there’s no one to hear your pleas.


What I think is happening is, "look what's happened now," and that there's no one there to hear you cry for help.

This is the end.

This is the end xD There's nothing left, and it's all over.



Ok, so looking back at the entire poem, I really did enjoy it. I was impressed, though there were a few nit picks I have. Your punctuation Where you had commas, there should have been periods. I didn't spot anything else that needed improving. Your grammar was good and your spelling was fine. I hope this helped you in some way. Keep writing!!

~AlmodEyes




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594 Reviews


Points: 106
Reviews: 594

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Sun Apr 27, 2014 12:25 am
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fortis wrote a review...



Hello!

I could imagine this working as some kind of lyrics. I think you could definitely fit it to music. But as this is not labeled "lyrics," I'm going to review it as poetry.
I like the message this presents, but I think you could do it in a much more skillful way. You have very short, choppy lines, and lots of seemingly random line breads. It doesn't work with the natural flow of someone reading this. I think you should aim for what a person would speak like when they read this poem. That means lengthening the lines, and breaking where it's natural to do so. Just try reading it aloud, and whenever you have a good, solid pause (and that's not at every single comma), that's where you should break it.

I think you should get rid of one of the choruses. I don't think the repetition adds much to the poem, but if you think I'm wrong, feel free to leave it there. It doesn't detract from the poem too much.

I like your attempt to rhyme, just make sure it doesn't get in the way of what you're actually trying to say.

Content-wise, I think the message was great, but the words you used were rather average, and I really craved some kind of metaphor or solid image to hold on to. There's nothing in your poem that I can actually imagine with clarity. I'm also not sure exactly what's going on. Is it the end of the world, or their friendship, or of life the universe and everything? What is going on in the poem? It's okay to keep it vague, but the reader wants to have some idea of what you're saying.

Great start! Keep writing!
~fortis





Do. Or do not. There is no try.
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