Young Writers Society



Dear Aliens

by Holysocks


Dear Aliens,

I thought I should let you know about the development of our society before you visit.

On Earth, parents don't raise their children anymore, but instead they send them to training centres where they learn the politics of life; don't ask, just do.

On Earth we have different races that we segregate into different plots of land- we call them countries. Our races are really just all one species, but we regularly forget that and wage war on each other ( war is where we kill our own species to expand our plots ). Pretty much most citizens on Earth agree that war is a barbaric practice that should be put to an end, but most also would rather watch a hockey game ( where several men chase a thick black disc across a sheet of ice with sticks, beating other men when they take the disc away from them ). It seems that the majority of people feel they have no power over war. If only they would remember that they are a majority; billions of people feel the same.

On Earth, we constantly screw each other over. You see, a large amount of our society is run completely on a currency ( called money ) that we trade most of our waking hours of the better half of our lives for. Without money, people have trouble 'surviving' in our world. See when you have money, you trade it in for food and clothes that other people have traded for money. Yeah, things we trade tend to go through quite a few people. So somewhere, someone grew and raised that food and traded it to someone who's job ( what they're doing with the better half of their lives ) to trade it to the other citizens. Because of this 'go between' system we have created, there's more people to pay, so food and necessities are both more expensive, and less expensive for consumers ( people that eat... so literally everyone ) and food raisers ( farmers ).

Whether or not you have much money, often depends on how well you did in the training centre, and sometimes your families position with money in the first place. Though sometimes – but not for many – you're just gosh darn good at chasing a thick black disc around, and people will pay you quite a lot to beat other people when you lose said disc.

On Earth, we have a list of guide lines called 'Social Rules' that everyone is required to know. There's no book that you can refer to though, you're just expected to know them. If you weren't born with an internal map of what is and is not acceptable, then you're not socially accepted by those that do, in most cases.

On our dearest planet Earth, we ignore the other persons that need us most. Those that traded their lives for things besides money, made what we consider as bad decisions. People whose lives were stolen from them. Most of us won't even brave a greeting to other persons around us that we don't associate with. And a lot of the time, we create enemies out of people that would sooner make more appropriate allies.

On Earth, a lot of people are afraid of the future and the past, but we want to change both. If only we'd realize that if we paid more attention to the future, we would change the past, or at least the future's past.

I just thought I should warn you that it's a work in progress, please be patient.

-Anonymous

P.S. TAKE ME WITH YOU THO


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
346 Reviews


Points: 37216
Reviews: 346

Donate
Sun Jun 07, 2015 12:07 am
Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya Holysocks,Pretzelsing here for a review of this work that you made.I know that I have been on a review role with your works, and I will tell you why I am digginh through my people that I'm following porfolio's and finding things to review Don't tell that to anyone though,okay?

Anyways,let's begin,shall we?

I thought I should let you know about the development of our society before you visit.


~That's telling, you don't really need this first sentence, since by the end of the letter,the reader will know what you are trying to tell/explain to them. This is just unnecessary and obviously stating what you are about to do in the sentence below ;)

~I like this concept and letter here,and the meaning behind it, but I think that the execution could be much better. First of all, is an alien smart enough to actually understand what you are writing? Now I know that this is imaginary, and there is no measured I.Q. level but I imagine an alien to be pretty dumb. Even though you made it pretty simple, this still sounds like something that a sophisticated human would read. <,<

On Earth we have different races that we segregate into different plots of land- we call them countries.


~Actually, there are many different races within one country nowadays. I know that you live in Canada, but I live in the U.S. and we were called the melting pot for a reason. There is such a diverse group of people that originate from different countries.

It seems that the majority of people feel they have no power over war. If only they would remember that they are a majority; billions of people feel the same.


~You repeated majority two times here. I think that you could totally cut out the second one.

~I like the "Social Rules" part because we are very social creatures (people) here and so everyone goes about on their day,following these invisible rules. I think that you could give at least one example here, so that the alien doesn't feel impending doom that they have to follow them or what they are.

~I think,if this is in letter/essay form you need to give a bit more examples and explanations, so that your audience(ahem,aliens) doesn't remain clueless and scratch their heads. What do kids learn in school? What types of categories of jobs are there?An example of currency(because every country is different in that.) etc. I think that if you included that,then your essay would be much more delightful.

or at least the future's past.


~Hmm, this is very very ironic, and I don't understand this. I am trying to think of the meaning behind it, but right now, I am very puzzled here. I think that you should either clarify this in your letter,or not include it at all.

I just thought I should warn you that it's a work in progress, please be patient.

~I was a bit confused here. Is this letter a work in progress or is the world and society a work in progress? I think that you could maybe clarify a bit for the reader here.

~After reading this whole letter, I noticed how negative and brutal it is. Now, I honestly don't think that these aliens are going to want to come and visit here, taking in consideration all of the bad things that they heard in this letter. I know that you might have wanted to be brutally honest, but if you goal was to convince them to come to planet Earth, I'm not sure that it would work.

P.S. TAKE ME WITH YOU THO


~I don't understand why you wrote this. I though that the aliens were wanting to come and visit planet Earth, not vice versa(meaning that you are going to visit them.) So which one is it?

~The repetition "On Earth" at the beginning of every paragraph got kind of annoying and well, repetitive obviously. I honestly don't see/know your purpose here, and I would suggest to make your beginning unique and differently structured in each and every paragraph <,<

Anyways, that's all that I have to say. Sorry that this review is short, but this letter is also short too :). I hope that this helps you improve your writing.

~Peace Out~

/Pretzel/




Holysocks says...


You missed the point, Pretz, but thanks. :-P



User avatar
216 Reviews


Points: 10184
Reviews: 216

Donate
Sat May 02, 2015 3:23 am
kevin25a wrote a review...



"Wars come and go, but my soldiers remain eternal."
-Tupac

War is where the young and stupid, go to fight on a figurative chessboard where the people issues orders use the pawns to invade kill or steal from others. Wars are for the stupid and the greedy, nobody else participates in a war or joins the military. War is where you either kill or get killed, and you are expected to blindly follow orders from a higher ranked officer. Even if your orders are for a mission it's unlikely any will come out of alive, you're expected to follow the orders anyway. Presidents, kings, queens, prime ministers, and other politicians use the young and stupid to enforce military dominance on those who are unable to defend themselves and thus get bullied around for it. Soldiers are nothing but tools in a chess game, and depending on how good at killing and kissing up you are, you're a pawn or knight or castle ect.

Money is the root of all evil, that is a shorter way to summarize it, i'm just saying.

I don't get why you bothered to explain everything down to specifying your descriptions with (farmed) (money) but didn't do that for schools, and just lef that one unexplained and described as learn centers. Just as a personal opinion that makes me half picture a church or place of religious practices instead of school, but that's just me.

I liked the idea here, summerizing up the life of a human, and into a few short paragraphs for the most part.




Holysocks says...


Thanks!



User avatar
141 Reviews


Points: 35642
Reviews: 141

Donate
Sat May 02, 2015 3:09 am
View Likes
Hattable wrote a review...



Hi Holy.
I'm finally trying to start reviewing again! XD
Anyway, I really liked this, especially your descriptions of war and hockey :P (But seriously, describing war like that really makes it sound stupider than it is)
I suppose we might as well move on to grammar now, then.

See when you have money, you trade it in for food and clothes that other people have traded for money.

I'd suggest putting a comma after “See”.
So somewhere, someone grew and raised that food and traded it to someone who's job ( what they're doing with the better half of their lives ) to trade it to the other citizens.

This should be “someone whose job” and, after the parenthesis, “is to trade”.
Whether or not you have much money, often depends on how well you did in the training centre, and sometimes your families position with money in the first place.

This first comma isn't necessary, I don't think. Also, “families” should be “family's” as you're referring to the position that the family possesses.
There's no book that you can refer to though, you're just expected to know them.

I feel like that comma should be something else... I'd suggest a semicolon but I don't know who to use those so it'd probably be wrong there. Maybe a period? That's how I would write it, but everyone writes differently so never mind that.
then you're not socially accepted by those that do, in most cases.

I'd switch this around to be “then, in most cases, you're not [etc.]”.
Those that traded their lives for things besides money, made what we consider as bad decisions

I don't think “as” is necessary here, but that's up to you. I think it'd flow a bit more smoothly without it. Or perhaps change it to “to be”.
And a lot of the time, we create enemies out of people that would sooner make more appropriate allies.

I try not to start sentences with “and”, and I think that this sentence could work just fine without it. Again though, that's up to you.
I just thought I should warn you that it's a work in progress, please be patient.

This in my opinion would definitely be better if the comma was a period separating the sentence into two.
P.S. TAKE ME WITH YOU THO

Nooo! Holy, don't ruin such a good letter to extraterrestrials by using that “version” of “though”! :P

Once again, I really liked this. Really just anything like this, I like.
Keep writing!
-Jules




Holysocks says...


Thanks JK! :-P



User avatar
33 Reviews


Points: 760
Reviews: 33

Donate
Fri May 01, 2015 11:42 pm
JoytheBrave says...



This is brutally honest. It almost hurts to read about the truth in our lives. I've always been driven mad by the circle of "make money so my kids can go to school so they can make money so their kids can go to school, etc., etc." This is a very blunt and often satirical piece that I enjoyed, if not for the humor, but for the truth.




Holysocks says...


Thanks!



User avatar
61 Reviews


Points: 30
Reviews: 61

Donate
Fri May 01, 2015 7:35 pm
View Likes
Linguistic wrote a review...



Hey, Anna Rae here for a review.

First things first, I liked this! Interesting idea. I wasn't sure what to expect when I started reading, but I soon realized that this was a humorous take on the reality of life. You called things different names, which was creative and funny, such as the "Social Rules" which was the Law and "training centers" which are schools.

It was very creative!

I noticed quite a few mistakes though. A couple:

1) "If only they would remember that they are a majority; billions of people feel the same." These two sentences connected by a semicolon don't really relate, so I feel like it should be a period. And the second half doesn't really fit in with the rest of the paragraph

2) all of your parentheses have a space ( like this ) between the words and the parentheses. It's "(like this)." Where no spaces are there.

2) "someone who's job". Wrong "who's." It's actually "whose"

And there are even more that I didn't name, so I recommend a quick read through and edit.

But you have a good story/letter here :) I enjoyed reading it




Holysocks says...


Thanks!




In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own.
— Albus Dumbledore