Heya Holy, Pretzelsing here to review this first and second part of your short story. I see that you have some shorter reviews down below, and be warned that I didn't read any of them <,<.
Anyways,let's begin,shall we?
First off, I really think that this is a really lovely story, because I really like your writing style and creativity. With all of that being said, there are some things that I know you can improve on, and so I will try to point them out in my story:
Alright, so if this being was just born out of the moon, then how did he know everything(like where to go and what to do?) This shadowy figure doesn't seem new at all, at least to me it seems. He knew where to go, and you to pick. Maybe I read this wrong, but I still think that you should make this pretty clear.
Shimmering, silver dust floated in the air. It was like the moon was dusting out it's craters now that it was full once more. The tiny flecks rested gently on a shadowy figure, who was also born of the moon.
I know what you are trying to do here. Many writers do this(including myself.) You tend to over-describe things like the moon here. We honestly all know what the moon looks like, so there's really no reason to go into such finite detail about something that everyone sees in the sky every night.(or almost every night-unless it's cloudy, but I hope that you get the idea.) Also, as you and I both know, scientifically there are moon phases and so that's why there is a full moon. I think that this moon shadow knows his facts about the moon, probably knows everything about it, since he was born from there. So he can't be fooled by these lacy descriptions. You, as the author gotta do your research about the moon(even if it's fantasy.)
for he had a great task to fulfil
Minor typo for the word in italics. It's fulfill.
he turned the knob and invited himself in.
I stress word choice to readers, and here again I want to point it out to you. He invited himself in? I don't think so, I think it's more like he intruded in the house.For me personally,invited yourself in, is when you are driving somewhere near your friend's house and you decide to stop in with no notice. Or maybe you just tell your friend that you're coming,without asking her at all. *rambles on*. I hope that you do get my point though.
One of the shadows looked up at him, it seemed pleased with its self, the naive thing. He had come to know what shadows were feeling, though they had no facial expressions.
What was the shadow feeling? Pleased or naive of both? Or did the master shadow(I'm just going to call him that) feel that the pleased shadow is acting naive? I honestly was pretty confused here, by what you meant. Also, if the shadow has no facial expression, that your job as an Author to describe emotion will just be much harder. For ex. I still don't understand why the shadow is naive. I think that your really need to work on that and try to clarify for the reader.
KEEP OUT, Brandon, or I will KILL YOU
Woah!
This girl seems like a sinister evil person. Honestly, I understand sibling rivalry and bickering and arguing. But tell me, have you every seen this on a child's door? She was bigger than what he thought she'd be, and yet smaller as well.
Is this supposed to be an oxymoron? Because this sentence just totally stopped me at your reading, and I just stared at the screen trying to make out what it means. How is this even possible? Do you know what I think would help the reader better imagine/understand this? If you actually described how this girl looks like and what her approximate age is in the ghost's eyes.
He wondered which. Cancer? Diabetes... Influenza? He was not aware of what the quality of the diseases on Earth were, and what effects they had on their host.
Looks like he did know quite a bit about these illnesses, since he could name them. Especially the influenza word really shows that. Most people just call it flu.
Anyways,that means that you second sentence here proves to be invalid. Even though he didn't know the effects of the illnesses,at least he knew their names, and that's a start.Ok,so the ending wasn't what I expected. I mean, I think that it's a decent cliffhanger, but I honestly didn't expect for the shadow to say a prayer over her. But of course, I love plot-twists and I am very open to them. So you really did a good job of surprising me, and I totally want to read on now.
Last thing was, as I was checking this once more over, I noticed that your format, was quite a bit strange. I think that you need to write in paragraphs, and not just have solitary stranded lines in the middle of this short story. It's ok to have them occasionally,of course, but now as often as you did. Remember:one paragraph=one complete idea. That's very simplistic, and I'm pretty sure that you were taught that in like 2nd grade, but I still wanted to remind you here.
Anyways,that's it for my review. I hope that this helps, and you have any questions/comments you can reply below or PM me about it.I am also planning to go on to the other part tommorow.
~Peace Out~
/Pretzelsing/
Points: 37216
Reviews: 346
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