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Mischief Moon #1

by Holysocks


Shimmering, silver dust floated in the air. It was like the moon was dusting out it's craters now that it was full once more. The tiny flecks rested gently on a shadowy figure, who was also born of the moon. He flinched, but resumed his posture, for he had a great task to fulfil. There was no time to bother with rude particles.

The figure settled his cool gaze on a cozy log cabin, ignoring the waves that played with the sand, washing over it teasingly.

He started toward the cabin, barnacles digging into his bare feet, causing the stones to smear with just a little blood. He had waited for every lamp to flutter out, and now it had been quite silent for an hour or so. Hoping that everyone inside was indeed, fast asleep, he turned the knob and invited himself in.

A shadow brushed past him, annoying him slightly. His aid had come, but they were late and terribly un-causionary... at least by his standards. It was stressful enough without having to worry about his shadows.

One of the shadows looked up at him, it seemed pleased with its self, the naive thing. He had come to know what shadows were feeling, though they had no facial expressions. They were not very intelligent beings, but were surprisingly loyal. Like dogs, of Earth... but loyaler.

“Which is for us?” A shadow whispered between his ears- excited. The bloody thing.

He glared at it, and it shrunk behind him. “This way,” he replied, stepping down the hall.

They came to a door with a note scribbled in Crayon that read: “KEEP OUT, Brandon, or I will KILL YOU” Thankfully no one in their group was named Brandon, so they entered. The girl was sleeping soundlessly at one end of the room, her breaths keeping time with his heart beat. She was bigger than what he thought she'd be, and yet smaller as well. She had a wispy quality about her, he noticed, as if some illness of this world was upon her. He wondered which. Cancer? Diabetes... Influenza? He was not aware of what the quality of the diseases on Earth were, and what effects they had on their host.

Her sandy hair gleamed from the stray rays that had sneaked in her bedroom window. And especially up close he realized why they had chosen her: The moon was indeed found of this one, for reasons they would have to discover for themselves.

He knelt at the head of her bed, and instructed his shadows to take their places. Two of them stood on her left, two on her right, and one at her feet. As he slid a cold hand over her lips, he whispered a bitter prayer:

Let her one day forget all she loves.”


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Wed Jun 03, 2015 4:54 pm
Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya Holy, Pretzelsing here to review this first and second part of your short story. I see that you have some shorter reviews down below, and be warned that I didn't read any of them <,<.
Anyways,let's begin,shall we?

First off, I really think that this is a really lovely story, because I really like your writing style and creativity. With all of that being said, there are some things that I know you can improve on, and so I will try to point them out in my story:

Alright, so if this being was just born out of the moon, then how did he know everything(like where to go and what to do?) This shadowy figure doesn't seem new at all, at least to me it seems. He knew where to go, and you to pick. Maybe I read this wrong, but I still think that you should make this pretty clear.

Shimmering, silver dust floated in the air. It was like the moon was dusting out it's craters now that it was full once more. The tiny flecks rested gently on a shadowy figure, who was also born of the moon.


I know what you are trying to do here. Many writers do this(including myself.) You tend to over-describe things like the moon here. We honestly all know what the moon looks like, so there's really no reason to go into such finite detail about something that everyone sees in the sky every night.(or almost every night-unless it's cloudy, but I hope that you get the idea.) Also, as you and I both know, scientifically there are moon phases and so that's why there is a full moon. I think that this moon shadow knows his facts about the moon, probably knows everything about it, since he was born from there. So he can't be fooled by these lacy descriptions. You, as the author gotta do your research about the moon(even if it's fantasy.)

for he had a great task to fulfil


Minor typo for the word in italics. It's fulfill.

he turned the knob and invited himself in.


I stress word choice to readers, and here again I want to point it out to you. He invited himself in? I don't think so, I think it's more like he intruded in the house.For me personally,invited yourself in, is when you are driving somewhere near your friend's house and you decide to stop in with no notice. Or maybe you just tell your friend that you're coming,without asking her at all. *rambles on*. I hope that you do get my point though.

One of the shadows looked up at him, it seemed pleased with its self, the naive thing. He had come to know what shadows were feeling, though they had no facial expressions.


What was the shadow feeling? Pleased or naive of both? Or did the master shadow(I'm just going to call him that) feel that the pleased shadow is acting naive? I honestly was pretty confused here, by what you meant. Also, if the shadow has no facial expression, that your job as an Author to describe emotion will just be much harder. For ex. I still don't understand why the shadow is naive. I think that your really need to work on that and try to clarify for the reader.

KEEP OUT, Brandon, or I will KILL YOU


Woah! :o This girl seems like a sinister evil person. Honestly, I understand sibling rivalry and bickering and arguing. But tell me, have you every seen this on a child's door?

She was bigger than what he thought she'd be, and yet smaller as well.


Is this supposed to be an oxymoron? Because this sentence just totally stopped me at your reading, and I just stared at the screen trying to make out what it means. How is this even possible? Do you know what I think would help the reader better imagine/understand this? If you actually described how this girl looks like and what her approximate age is in the ghost's eyes.

He wondered which. Cancer? Diabetes... Influenza? He was not aware of what the quality of the diseases on Earth were, and what effects they had on their host.


Looks like he did know quite a bit about these illnesses, since he could name them. Especially the influenza word really shows that. Most people just call it flu. ;) Anyways,that means that you second sentence here proves to be invalid. Even though he didn't know the effects of the illnesses,at least he knew their names, and that's a start.

Ok,so the ending wasn't what I expected. I mean, I think that it's a decent cliffhanger, but I honestly didn't expect for the shadow to say a prayer over her. But of course, I love plot-twists and I am very open to them. So you really did a good job of surprising me, and I totally want to read on now.

Last thing was, as I was checking this once more over, I noticed that your format, was quite a bit strange. I think that you need to write in paragraphs, and not just have solitary stranded lines in the middle of this short story. It's ok to have them occasionally,of course, but now as often as you did. Remember:one paragraph=one complete idea. That's very simplistic, and I'm pretty sure that you were taught that in like 2nd grade, but I still wanted to remind you here.

Anyways,that's it for my review. I hope that this helps, and you have any questions/comments you can reply below or PM me about it.I am also planning to go on to the other part tommorow.:)

~Peace Out~

/Pretzelsing/




Holysocks says...


But tell me, have you every seen this on a child's door?


Yes, I have. Quite a few, actually. :-P

Thanks for the review!



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Sun Apr 26, 2015 5:17 pm
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Edelweiss wrote a review...



So, mysterious and lovely! What beautiful work you create! I enjoyed the humor you snuck into it, I laughed aloud at the third to last paragraph, the girls "KEEP OUT.." sign, because when I was younger did something very similar to her's. Since it has a #1 , that means there will be a #2! If you do not wright a #2 I personally will be angry. Please do not make me angry. Everything did flow nicely together, yes there are some negatives sadly. What bothered me most was the third paragraph the first sentence.
"causing the stones to smear with just a littles blood...."

This is just my opinion, instead you could word it this way.

" the stones became smeared with blood..."

Or.

"the stones became smeared with a little blood..."

Other than that, I believe it was really marvelous work. Keep it up!




Holysocks says...


Thanks! :-P



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Thu Apr 23, 2015 7:30 pm
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ShadowedStart wrote a review...



It was amazing. It was a bit slow at first when you read the description because it makes you think for a moment about the "Shimmering, silver dust" to realize you were saying it was dust from the moon.

"The tiny flecks rested gently on a shadowy figure, who was also born of the moon."

Most readers will understand what you are saying but to make flow more clearly I would suggest just a little bit of word changes. The way you say shadowy figure does not tell very much about the character. It isn't until the shadows come in that we learn anything about him.
I would say just describe him more to keep your readers reading. Truthfully, it is a really good story it just needs a little fine tuning.




Holysocks says...


Thanks! :-P



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Sun Apr 19, 2015 11:37 am
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Apricity wrote a review...



Heyo Holister, Flite here as promised. Let's get down to it.

Shimmering, silver dust floated in the air. It was like the moon was dusting out it's craters now that it was full once more. The tiny flecks rested gently on a shadowy figure, who was also born of the moon. He flinched, but resumed his posture, for he had a great task to fulfil. There was no time to bother with rude particles.


I'm not sure if you were aiming for alliteration in the first two adjectives but in my opinion, I think you can do better than that. Shimmering silver dust isn't very descriptive and it reminds me of a glitter more than anything else. Moving onto your second simile, I'm not sure what you're trying to express here. The moon I don't think actually has silver dust, I can accept silver moon rays, and what does it have to do with the moon being full? The craters are still there regardless. You have a tendency use one worded adjectives to describe something, but it ends up...odd. Take the shadowy figure for example, it's very basic and vague. It doesn't tell me much about the figure at all, expand and engage the readers.

The figure settled his cool gaze on a cozy log cabin, ignoring the waves that played with the sand, washing over it teasingly.


Something here again, the sentence structure is also a bit awkward. You have a run on sentence and with so many commas the flow is choppy, I'd also recommend dropping the 'cool' before the gaze and replace it with a better adjective. And for the second sentence, I'd restructure it like this. Ignoring the waves that washed playfully over the sand. because I don't think teasingly is quite the correct adjective with waves.

A shadow brushed past him, annoying him slightly. His aid had come, but they were late and terribly un-causionary... at least by his standards. It was stressful enough without having to worry about his shadows.


I'm going to stop quoting after this paragraph since I've made my point. You need to be more precise and accurate with your word choices and description, don't just gloss over them when you need to expand on them and give us more details about the environment. 'Uncausionary' is not a word, careless would have suffice, or even better show us. Don't tell me the man was a bastard, tell me he kicked a puppy. Don't tell me the moon is shining, tell me the way it reflected off the broken glass. Take a look at this article and learn the master descriptions. And stop using commas so much.




Holysocks says...


Thanks mama! ^_^ I do have trouble with the showing thing. x.x And yeah.

Moon dust however was what I was going for. XD Yeah it's going to get worse, just you wait... >.>

<3



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Fri Apr 17, 2015 4:15 pm
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AloobaKnights wrote a review...



AloobaKnights here for a review.
I am going to start with the nitty gritty right off.
(Disclaimer: I probably won't catch everything)

"and now it had been quite silent for an hour or so." The wording here is a little awkward. Try maybe just "quiet" instead.

"loyaler" isn't a word. Should be "more loyal" unless you did that on purpose because it doesn't sound like this character is of Earth; in which case it's fine.

"Her sandy hair gleamed from the stray rays that sneaked in her bedroom window." I loved a lot about this sentence, but it took a little bit for me to understand what "stray rays" were. Maybe just try being a little clearer.

The sign on the door has impeccable grammar for a little girl, don't be afraid to dumb it down by taking out the commas or maybe put a misspell in there for giggles.

"Like dogs, of Earth... but loyaler." If there's going to be a comma in there it should be after "Earth" otherwise you're chopping up a part of the sentence and making it seem like two separate thoughts.

The last thing was that you didn't describe the character entering the house. He just kind of ended up there. Maybe try telling us about how the cabin looks or just let us know they're entering the house.

Overall it sounds like an incredible idea for a story and it's a brilliant way to start off. Good Job!!!




Holysocks says...


Thanks for the review! :-P I wasn't sure what people were going to think of it.




Every empire tells itself and the world that it is unlike all other empires.
— Edward Said