• Home

Young Writers Society

Mischief Moon #2

by Holysocks

“That comfortable...?” A lady's voice came to me through my slumber. I opened my eyes, squinting from the sun beams that coxed me awake with their warmth, and then blinded me with their brightness.

“Um...” My brain struggled to make sense of her question- and then, my situation.

The bed of which I slept upon, was that of stones, and the silkiest silver dust.

“No,” I said, trying to make out her face from the silhouette before me, and thinking at the same time that I would be very sore later.

She nodded, thoughtfully perhaps. Then something slimy smeared up the side of my head, pulling my hair away with it. I sat up faster then I knew I could, turning on my palms to see what had slobbered me. There stood a very large beast; its big brown eyes staring into my own. Its nose was no further than an inch away from mine, and it was moving closer.

“Gizzum, you idiot, get over here!” The lady said, amusement lacing her words of scolding.

The beast looked away from me just in time, sparing me of another licking. Then it bonded towards the girl. Getting a better look at it now that it wasn't so close, I could see that it had an enormous belly, hooved feet, and in general seemed to be an over weight cow... A cow with two impressive bat wings folded at it's side.

I put a hand to my head, and closed my eyes. My brains felt like they were boiling.

“You seem a bit scrambled.” The lady said, with a giggle no less.

“Uh...” I began, but I yawned before I could say what I wanted to.

“Well, that's understandable.” She said, walking to the side so that the sun wasn't in my eyes anymore.

Once I could see her, she seemed a lot less... mature then I had originally assumed. Her hair was the same sandy-yellow that mine was, but hers was more the sandy, and mine the yellow. Hers was done up in a four-strand braid that dragged to her hips.

To her hips. I wonder how long it would be loose?

She had a willowy figure, tall and lean, with subtle curves. She wore what resembled cargo-pants, worn out at the caffs, and other places that don't normally wear-out easily. She also had on a long sleeved top that looked as though it had been used for target practice once or twice, while on her; dry blood crusted outwards from the bullet holes. If they were indeed bullets holes.

She set a hand on her winged cow – Gizzum – and with a bit of a hop for momentum, she swung her leg up and lept onto it's back.

“Oh yes,” She said, glancing at me again, “did anyone tell you? You're coming with me.”

I stared blankly at her for a moment, and then slowly looked around me, expecting there to be a whole crowd getting ready to tell me I was either a) crazy b) insane or c) that yes, I was to go with this girl I had just met in the middle of nowhere. But all that was there was, basically, the definition of nowhere.

“...Who would tell me?” I asked.

She looked around, slightly surprised, coming to the same conclusion as me, “Your kidnapper, and his band of merry creatures...” She said, her mouth open slightly as she thought. “He normally explains things first, though... before he hands you over.”

“Um... I'm sorry, was I suppose to understand that?” I said.

“How about I explain later?” She asked, with a sigh.

I decided to comply, seeing as she sorta seemed to know where she was... and I had no idea.

I got up, my legs shaking, dusted off the back of my night gown that had been beneath me and- I'm in my night gown?... And then I reluctantly approached Gizzum.

“Don't worry, he doesn't have any teeth.” The girl said, as if that was my first concern when dealing with a flying bull vine.

“How does he eat then!” I said, accepting her hand for support as I clambered onto him with a lot less grace then his owner had had.

“Just kind of gums stuff until it's swallow-able,” She replied.

What does he eat? I almost asked, until I realized that my knowledge on cows was limited, and I might potentially make a fool of myself... but of course this wasn't a normal cow.

I did my best to get comfortable behind the girl, but the cow's spine made it as easy as riding a knife blade.

Who are you?” This was probably something I should have asked before I decided to get on her cow, and let her take me to where ever it was she was taking me...

“I'm Lizzy,” she said.

“Short for Elizabeth?”

Lizzy chuckled, “No, Lisianthus.”

...Oh.” I cleared my throat,“My name's Cass.”

“Oh lovely, it's always good to know who you're kidnapping.” She said, nudging the cow to get him walking. He lurched forward, and suddenly I was very conscious of how unstable a moving cow felt.

“I thought another guy kidnapped me?” I said, trying to act casual about my position on the cow- of nearly falling off.

“Oh, technically, yes... I'm supposed to be rescuing you.” She said, “But let's be honest; I'm kidnapping you.”

“...Good to know.” I said, wondering if I should just bail seeing as I was half-way there anyway.

“Honesty is a virtue, you know.” Lizzy said, rather matter-a-factly.


Then the cow started into a trot- or for heavens sake, you can't call a thousand pounds of blubber bouncing a trot. But it was starting to speed up, let's just say. In fact it was getting faster then most trots now, leaving a canter and nearing that of a gallop. I could feel it's strong legs pounding beneath us, and it's wings beat the air surrounding us. Wind blasted my hair every direction. Then the cow lept from the ground.

I clutched tighter to Lizzy's waist. With every jerk of it's wings, the cow lurched higher and higher. I realized my eyes were shut, and resolved to keep them that way.

“I'm taking you to the Lunar Exchange Association.” Lizzy yelled over the rushing wind.

Not knowing what else to say, I just shouted “Okay!”

Is this a review?



User avatar
346 Reviews

Points: 37216
Reviews: 346

Thu Jun 04, 2015 2:11 pm
Pretzelstick wrote a review...

Heya Holy, Pretzel here for a review of this second part of the short story that you wrote. I reviewed the last part yesterday, so I know exactly what happened here.I can't wait to read and delve into this second part, because I thoroughly enjoyed the first part.

Anyways, let's begin,shall we?

I opened my eyes, squinting from the sun beams that coxed me awake with their warmth, and then blinded me with their brightness.

First that happened, and then the next thing happened? (looking at this specific sentence-with the sunbeams coxed her awake and then she squinted because they blinded her?)I think that this happens at the same time, at least it does for me personally in the morning. So all you really have to do is remove "then".

The bed of which I slept upon, was that of stones,

I find it funny that the lady asked if the bed was comfortable, when here it was obviusly not. Like, who would like to sleep on stones. Now, I don't know about your preference but I love to sleep on hard pillows. I know that I am weird, but I would never want to sleep on a stone. That's just too hard for me.;)

Once I could see her, she seemed a lot less... mature then I had originally assumed.

I think that this sentence here is invalid. Maturity isn't measured by your voice, your looks, you hair, or anything like that. Your age can be measured by looks, but your maturity is on the inside, and noone can see that just from a glance. You could write here that she seemed a lot younger than the MC expected her to?

Believe it or not, I actually like Lizzy's interactions with with Cass. The only thing is, that you don't really make her seem like a kidnapper. I mean, she looks like Cass and actually acts semi-normal around, is very honest with Cass(which most kidnappers are very secretive.) Lizzy, at least for me personally just doesn't seem to fit into the role of a real kidnapper.I think that you should mold her more into that.

Then the cow started into a trot- or for heavens sake, you can't call a thousand pounds of blubber bouncing a trot. But it was starting to speed up, let's just say.

This whole first sentence doesn't have to be here, and that's because it's useless, and it's almost like Cass is thinking to herself. Plus I really do feel like this is just some unnecessary information here.

Wind blasted my hair every direction.

Kind of hard to imagine here <,< Usually when it's windy and blowing outside, my hair blow into one direction, either in my face, or away from my face.;)

I have to honestly say that I was so disappointed about the ending. This is an amazing story, but the ending was just bleh. I felt like the word "Okay" was used in everyday normal life, that I find it boring. Maybe you didn't have any more creative ideas, or didn't know how to finish it. I would like to suggest this:

“I'm taking you to the Lunar Exchange Association.”

That could be the ending, and everyone knows that Lizzy is talking here. I think that it's a much more well-rounded ending,don't you agree?

Cass felt so casual after just being kidnapped. I would expect her to be shaking in fear, or missing her family, or thinking about her possessions on earth. Anything to indicate that she feels something. There's no emotion here, and I feel like she just does/agrees with everything that Lizzy says. For sure, I don't think that Cass is acting like a normal captive that was just kidnapped. Maybe reflect on that further?

One last thing, I was expected more of the moon aspect here. I could barely sense/detect that in this whole second part, because your barely mentioned it. This is just an important part of your story(it's actually in the title-right?) and so I think that you should incorporate it more. Does Cass see the moon at all? What does it look like from her eyes and how does she feel? I was confused as to their location of where they were, if they were in space,or on earth, or somewhere in between. I think that you need to be a bit more specific with that.

Anyways, that's it from me for today. I hope that this review helps you improve your writing, and if you have any questions/comments please PM them to me.

~Peace Out~

Holysocks says...

You're right about the emotion lacking; thanks for the review!

User avatar
48 Reviews

Points: 970
Reviews: 48

Mon May 04, 2015 8:54 pm
View Likes
Edelweiss wrote a review...

Let's save the best for last. ;)
I found it odd Cass would be so relcunt to allow Lizzy to kidnap her. I know this is a fantasy story and what I am about to say is going to sound dumb, but I am going to say it anyway. The charters to me, there personaliteis are to unrealistic. Cass was to willing to go with Lizzy. I felt like she needed to show some rebellion against her, and while I was reading, I was hoping the whole time for some description of where she was, what she saw etc, etc, etc.
Now I come to my favorite part!
Aww! Holysocks, you did a outstanding job! I can't wait for the next one to come out! Pm as soon as it third is out! I want to be the first to review!

User avatar
216 Reviews

Points: 10184
Reviews: 216

Thu Apr 30, 2015 5:09 pm
View Likes
kevin25a wrote a review...

I haven't read the previous chapter, but I find it odd you would wake up on a bed of stones and velvety powder, and not know how you got there.

I would like to nitpick you had Cass realize what she was laying on before even realizing what she was wearing which literally makes no sense. She would have seen her nightgown long before the stones under her.

I think it's confusing to have Lizzy say kipnapped rescued kidnapped rescued. Don't do that, it is confusing and annoying to a reader, if you need to do that or want too avoid it being so repetitive. Seeing something a character speaks be repeated over and over and over just puts people off.

Other than those two nitpicks it was really good, and you did a good job.

Holysocks says...


User avatar
351 Reviews

Points: 11482
Reviews: 351

Thu Apr 30, 2015 1:33 am
View Likes
Kanome wrote a review...

Hello, Holy.
Kanome here with a review for you.

I love the story so far, and yes, I read the first one before I came on this one c:
The story plot is interesting and you have great character description, which is one of the elements needed in a story.
I would love to read more.


“Just kind of gums stuff until it's swallow-able,” She replied.

Remove the 's' in gums. gums = gum.

“How does he eat then!”

There should be a question mark with the exclamation point.

What, When, Where, Why, Who, and How = question marks needed. Basically, the five Ws.

Other than that, this was an amazing read.
PM me when you post the next chapter.
Keep writing!
I can't wait to read more. Have a nice day!


Holysocks says...

Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. :3

"If I see an American in real life or a kiwi in a blockbuster, it feels surreal and weird, and like a funny trip."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi