Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
“What do you mean by that?” Anarite snarled as he got in the Mecha Black dragons face.
“However you want to take it and if you don’t get out my face I promise I will burn you to a crisp.”
“Try me.” Anarite snarled.
“Anarite please don’t.” Shevia pleaded. Anarite moved his face close to Shevia. She rubbed his face and smiled.
“Can you please just take me home, maybe the grand dragon can help?” She smiled faintly.
“Yes of course my lady.” Anarite said. Jugo then loaded Shevia onto Anarite back. He and Segundu both climbed onto Anarite’s back.He flew off with them. The armored dragon left as well. The only thing left in that forest was the black Mecha dragon.
“I will find my real master, and I and he shall rule over all the realms. You watch karma; I will prove no one decides Mecha black dragon faith other than the Mecha black dragon. He then flapped his wings and began his journey on home.
Anarite and the rest of them where in the Grand dragon’s cave.
“Grand dragon, please help. Shevia seem to have a sickness and I do not know what is wrong with her.” Anarite pleaded.
“Bring the girl to me.” The grand dragon said. Jugo carried his sister to the Grand dragon. He exam her for a moment and said her life force has been poisoned by the most venomous creature here in our realm. The courgie nickbar.”
“What? What is a courgie nickbar?” Segundu asked.
“It is a creature of legends. It said courgie nickbars are where dragons are originally derived from. In fact I and Anarite look a lot more similar to them than any other dragon.”
“Thanks for the history lesson and all but can our sister be saved?” Segundu asked. Jugo punched Segundu in his arm.
“Ouch.” Segundu said rubbing his sore arm.
“I don’t think so. The courgie nickbars poison is so define there is no way of stopping it.” The Grand dragon answered.
Both Jugo and Segundu both dropped to their knees. “No there has to be a cure.” Jugo cried. Segundu and Anarite both began to cry as well.
“Hey don’t cry.” Shevia whispered.
Jugo eyes popped wide open. “Shevia.” He cried holding her hand.
A silent wind came throw and that’s when Anarite seen a vison. It was a vison of white flower like plants glowing gold on a mountain.
“Flowers.” He mumbled.
“What Anarite?” The grand dragon asked.
“Flowers……..Grand dragon is there any legend about flowers that can undo this horrible fate dealt to Shevia. Both Jugo and Segundu looked with great anticipation as the grand dragon pondered the question.
“Well never heard of a flower that can turn a courgie nickbars venomous poison, but…….”
“Yes?” Anarite asked with great excitement.
“There is a plant almost a famous as the legendary courgie race.”
“What are the called?”
“Silafax.”
“Silafax?”
“Yes a plant that can give a creature second chance at life.”
“So let’s go find this Silafax plant and save Shevia.” Segundu said as he got up.
“No, we can’t.” The grand dragon bellowed.
“Why?” Anarite asked.
“One it is on mount Slythering.”
“And?” Segundu said as he motion his hands.
“As in Mount slithering…….home and base control of the main branch of the house of slythering tongues.”
“Ok so what?”Segundu asked.
“So what? Look we are not going to pretend that the house of slythering tongue isn’t the most powerful nation.”
“SO….wont the spawniks number one???? And we defeated them, with ease.”
“Ease? You called fighting them for 15 years ease?”
“Ah, you and the other dragons and dragoners fought them for 15 years…..I only fought them for a year.” The grand dragon growled with aggravation.
“Jugo can you please talk some……..Jugo?” The grand dragon asked as he seen Jugo at the entrance of the cave.
“We have to go no matter the danger.” Jugo answered.
The grand dragon did not speak as he could see the determination in Jugo.
“Jugo you must know….”
“I know grand dragon.” Jugo then signal Segundu and Anartie. As they walk Jugo said into the cave. “Take care.”
Jugo, Anarite, and Segundu landed a few yards away from mount slythering.
On top was castle slithering and at eh base of the mount was slythering tongues most powerful unit they had.
“Okay so we need to get to the top undetected, so that we want be killed…….any ideas?” Jugo sat there with head down.
“Oh for crying out loud.” Segundu expressed as he walked out to the opening.
“He you bunch of kill overs” he said.
“Who are you? A slythering lounge soldier asked.
“Now become hard as stone, Iwa no hōchō.” Segundu said. His blade began to change once it hit its final form. He smiled and cocked his blade back.
“Rock shot!” He yelled as he swung his blade forward.
Some parts of the blade shot off and hit some slythering soldiers. When the pieces of rock hit theme though it pierce through the skulls and they collapse immediately. Furious now the slythering tongue soldiers attacked. Jugo was about to come help him when he signaled to his brother not to come help him but go to the get the Silfax plant. Jugo grunted for he truly wanted to help his brother.
“We should go Jugo. Segundu is trying to buy us time by distracting the guards. It won’t do us any good if we all die here. Think about Shevia.” Anartie said.
Jugo did not want to admit it but Anartie was right and so they left. Once there they found the Silfax plant.
“We found it!” Anartie exclaimed with tremendous love. Him and Jugo began to pick the plants when a clod when came over them.
A soft flute began to play but Jugo could not hear it. However Anarite could and he soon began to growl and grunt in pain.
“Anartie! Anartie, what’s wrong?” Jugo asked.
“Jugo you have to get away from me…..” Anartie growled.
“Kill him. Kill him. Kill him.” A soft hiss hummed over the soft flute that Anartie kept hearing.
Anartie shook his head a couple times as he roared in pain.
“Anartie!” Jugo exclaimed. That’s when Anartie shot fire rapidly out his mouth.
Jugo rolled out the way but fell off the cliff side. Luckily he had quick reflexes and caught the cliff edge with his right hand. He dangled there for a moment before pulling himself up.
He looked and seen a giant creature come out the cave. It was all white and had a body of a snake. It had four eyes, and stood twice as big as the grand dragon (which means it was four times anartie size) and it had four eyes. It coiled itself around Anartie and began to make a flute like sound with its mouth.
“Did you kill that dagoner?” A voice echoed. (The giant weird snake had telepathic powers)
“Yes.” Anartie said.
“Good.” The giant weird snake said. As he toward over Anartie and began to squeeze Anartie. It then opened its mouth wide and was about to eat Anartie when…
“Devine destruction!” Jugo yelled as he swung his blade. The bright light hit the weird giant snake creature in the face.
“Ah my eye damn it.” The weird giant snake exclaimed. With its other three eyes it looked at Jugo who stood before him. I won’t allow you to eat Anartie!” The weird snake hissed violently.
“Get rid of the dragoner now!” The Giant weird snake then unwrapped Anartie and slithered out the way.
“Oh, no you don’t!” He said as he cocked back. “Devine de-” Before, Jugo could finish though Anartie took his tail and slapped Jugo in the stomach. You could hear Jogo’s ribs break as he was sent flying across the field of Silfax.
Jugo stood and looked at Anartie. “Listen to me Anartie I am not the enemy friend. He is over there.” But his efforts to talk to Anartie were in vain as anartie attacked Jugo once more.
“Wind shot!” Anartie yelled he shot a high power wind out of his nostrils. Jugo dodged the attack and took off. He continuously dodged the attacks as he never once raised his blade to Anartie. He instead kept talking trying to snap anartie out of that Trans he was in, but at last it was futile.
“Hydro shot!” Anartie said as he shot high pressured water out of his mouth. It sent Jugo flying into a large bolder. That’s when the weird snake wrapped itself around Jugo and the bolder.
“Now I got you and you will die here dragoner.” The weird snake claimed. He opened his mouth wide and was about to eat Jugo when…….
“Great noble flame!” A bright white flame ‘hit the weird snake creature as it hissed in pain. It released Jugo. Jugo rolled and then grabbed his blade.
“Devine Destruction!” Jugo said as he swung his blade once more.
“ACK!” The weird snake yelled as his body hit the ground.
Anartie shook his head a few times. As his vision was blurry but cleared up. “Ju-Jugo?” Anartie asked as his vision began to come back in on Jugo.
“Anartie? You’re back?” Jugo asked.
“Back? Where did I go? Sss, ouch……and why do my head hurt so much?”
“Look we can get reacquainted later but I need you two get up in the air. So I can set the Silfax plant on fire.
“Set it on fire, why? I am sure that the house of slythering tongues has weapons dipped in courgie nickbar’s poison.” Jugo argued.
“I know, but it’s already bad enough that we will not be able to kill Hebikingu.” The grand dragon fussed.
“Hebikingu??? Who is Hebikingu?” Jugo asked.
“He is the king of the courgie nickbars. The only creature that lived for thousands of years. He is who you and Anartie were fighting. He has the ability to manipulate creatures of this realm to do his bidding. He probably has the king of the house of slythering tongues under his spell and is forcing him to go to war with us.”
“Okay, so why destroy the plant?” Anartie asked.
“Because that is his heart. If we destroy those plants, we destroy him.”
“But that means….” Jugo started.
“Don’t worry.” The grand dragon reinsured Jugo. He then lifted his tale and dropped the some of the Silfax plants into his hand. “We may not be able to kill Hebikingu, but we will weaken him tremendously.”
Jugo nodded as the grand dragon cocked his head back and shot out his noble fire and began to destroy the plants. Once he was sure he destroyed all the plants on the ground he started to fly away when….
Out of the flames Hebikingu stretched his neck out and open his mouth. He clamped down on the grand dragons neck with tremendous force. It was so much power behind it that the grand dragon could not yell.
“If I die here so do you.” Hebikingu announced as he snatched the grand dragon back into the flames.
“Grand dragon!” Jugo yelled as him and Anartie took off behind him, but when the grand dragon hit the white flames shot up in a crazy rage.
“No!” Anartie screamed. He tried to using Hydro shot over and over and over again, but it had no effect on the flames.
Jugo griped the handle of his blade and jumped high in da air. He cock back with all his strength and said, “Devine destruction!”
A blurring bright light hit the white flames, but it did nothing but made the flames shoot up violently. Anartie quickly came to Jugo and wrapped his body around Jugo.
“Solid stone body.” Anartie said as he wrapped his body around Jugo. The flames shot up, but soon simmered down. In the sky it looked like a giant floating rock was there.
Anartie scales began to change back to their regular colors as he unwrapped himself. He was holding Jugo who just looked in at the flames. A tear fell from both of their eyes.
“So he is really gone huh?” Jugo asked.
“Yes, but hopefully karma has reborn him, and he will be with Master Gautama…” Anartie said looking in the sky.
They flew off back to the dragons cavern. They gave Shevia the plant to eat, once she was better Anartie and Jugo both told all the dragoners and dragons of Grand dragon’s great sacrifice and how he died for Shevia. Everyone was sad but it hit the Mecha Black dragon the worse. He was so hurt he flew off and no one heard from him for 7 years……
7 years later………………………………………………………………….
The war in the realm of the dragons had finally stopped. The house of slythering tongues and the spawniks finally surrendered and everyone elected Jugo to become the king of the new nation that was united under one. Jugo however declined after karma itself sent him a vision.
“Jugo, you said karma sent you a vision…….well what was it?” Segundu asked.
Jugo did not answer him as he tried to make his way pass his brother.
“Jugo damn it!” Segundu yelled as he put his hand on his brother shoulder. Jugo gave him a cold look and he quickly removed his hand. With a deep sigh, Jugo said something to his brother before he left.
“Look, I do not want to say what karma showed me for I hope it is wrong but if not……” Jugo did not finished what he was saying. He just shook his head and began out the door. That’s when his cold eyes met with his sister Shevia’s sad eyes. Tears filled her eyes and Jugo cold eyes quickly filled with warmth as he went to his sister and hugged her.
“I have to go baby, I wish I could stay, but it’s my destiny to do this, just as it's yours and Segundu destiny to rule over this nation. I know you two will be great…..”
Shevia just nodded and that’s when Jugo caught another vision. It was of a little boy with a long ponytail. He looked just like Shevia. Jugo smiled and began out the door.
“Hey sis….”
“Yeah?” Shevia asked.
“Do you plan on having kids?” Jugo asked.
Shevia blushed. “WH-what, wait where did that come from? I am not ready to be a mother dragoner. Why would you even ask me that? Karma. Karma showed you I had a child didn’t it?”
“Ha-ha!” Jugo laughed. “Maybe, but you just make sure you don’t name that poor baby after me…..” Jugo continuously laughed as he walked out. He stopped one more time and looked at his sister. “That baby does not deserve a name as worthless as mines.” Jugo thought as his smile faded. He walked off and no one ever heard from again until that fateful night when evil stuck the nation and threatened their peace.
“Run! It’s Mecha black dra-” “Whoosh!” The flames sang as it burned the house of slythering tongues village.
“But why? We signed the peace treaty.” The king of the house of slythering tongues whimpered.
“Screw peace. The only way for this realm to be truly at peace is for me to cleanse this realm of piss ants like you.” The Mecha Black dragon said as he cocked his head back. “Pure white flames of internal burning!” The black Mecha dragon roared as he blew up the king and the castle he was in.
That wasn’t the only kingdom he attacked though. The Mecha Black Dragon also attacked the spawniks, montyes, and all the other kingdoms. This got back to both King Segundu, and Queen Shevia they knew he was coming there next.
The Dragons and dragoners all were worried and chatter filled the land.
“Why are we afraid?!” King Segundu asked.
“Why? Because there is a giant black dragon coming towards us.” One dragoner said.
“So what?”
The Armored dragon answered back.
“What you mean so what?”We cannot beat him he is to powerful. Not even Master Jugo could not control him.” A dragon answered back.
“Look no need to fear. We are stronger than back then. We can win.” King Segundu said inspiringly.
The crowd of dragoners and dragons was quiet.
Queen Shevia rose with her eyes closed and whistled. “Anarite come on, we have to go.”
“Yes my lady.” Anarite said as he followed Queen Shevia.
King Segundu just chuckled before speaking. “Now that is sad, you all are supposed to be the strongest warriors we have to offer. The warriors who would uphold our way, our peace and you all coward in the face of a true adversary. Yet your, my sister is going out here to fight this true adversary you all fear. Well Dragoners, dragons, and every other creature of this realm…….will you let this adversary, this monster, this fearful creature take the life of your beloved queen or will you stand and fight?!”
Dragoners, dragons, montye, and all the other nation of creatures roared as they followed King Segundu. They all fought bravely but there wasn’t anything they could do against the black Mecha Dragon force.
“Ahh!” Another montye warrior screamed as he perished. You could hear Queen Shevia, King Segundu, and the small army of Dragons and dragoners behind them breathe heavily.
“Hey Segundu, your energy level……you tapped?” Queen Shevia asked her brother.
“Just about there, and you?” King Segundu asked his sister.
“Been there. What about our army behind us?”
Segundu looked back at their small army, and replied, “Beyond tapped.”
The Mecha dragon fluttered down and breathed heavily before he laughed.
“Where is that weak bastard of a brother you have?” He asked Queen Shevia and King Segundu.”
“We don’t know.” Queen Shevia answered.
“Lies!” The Mecha dragon fussed.
“No there not, but even if we knew, I am pretty sure that we would tell you.” King Segundu answered back.
The black Mecha dragon growled angrily as he breathed smoke out of his nose.
“Anarite!”
“Yes my lady?”
“I want you and armored dragon to get these dragons and Dragoners out of here...”
The small army began to fuss and cause aruckus.
“Shut up! You all fought valiantly, but at last this is a fight we cannot win.” King Segundu said.
Two dragoners jumped out the crowd and head towards the Mecha dragon.
“We can still fight!” They said as the cocked back there blades.
“No!” King Segundu yelled out.
“Idiots.” The Mecha black dragon said as he cocked head back. ““Pure white flames of internal burning!”
Right as the flame was about to burn the two dragoners to a crisp……….”Devine Destruction!” A voice bellowed strongly as a white light came across the field. It collided with the pure white flame attack and cancelled it out. The two dragoners fell to the ground. They looked up with wide eyes as they gazed upon there savior.
“Jugo.” Shevia whispered. King Segundu, armored dragon, Anartie, and the rest of the army all looked on to see a tall figure wherein a cloak.
“Shevia!” The figure snapped. Shevia could not answer. Her throat was as dry as a desert in the middle of the summer.
The figure just looked back at the tired and worn out army behind him.
“It’s Jugo…..” “We are save….” “Now we have a chance.” The army behind him screamed and cheered.
“Listen to me. I do not want any one interfering with me and Mecha black Dragon fight. It is a one on one fight till the death in between us. Is that understood?”
“What? One on one? Are you bloody mad?” One of the two dragoners who almost died said as he battled to his feet.
“Aye mate, my brother is right. He just tried to kill us, and we want a little pay back.”
“If you interfere I will attack you.” Jugo said coldly.
The two dragoners just laughed.
“C’mon Jugo, you can share. This enemy is more than tough for you.” One of the two dragoners said. Jugo just took a deep breath.
“Do you all plan on interfering?” He asked.
“Jugo, The black Mecha dragon is two powerful, even for you. Let us help.” Shevia pleaded.
Jugo looked at the Mecha Black dragon.
“Meet me a death’s cliff in an hour.”
The Mecha Black dragon laughed. “You better be there.” The Mecha black dragon was taking off to fly away when one of the dragoners went after him.
“You will not leave from here!” The dragoner yelled out. Jugo without hesitation swung his blade as blood flew in the air. With a wail of pain the dragoner hit the ground as he held his bleeding shoulder. Everyone look so shocked as the look of intent to kill was on Jugo’s face.
“Jugo?” Another Dragoner asked as he backed up with fear in his eyes.
“Jugo what the hell? You struck one of our own. You attacked a comrade……you injured a fellow-”
“Segundu, you and your army should leave now!” Jugo said as he cut off his younger brother.
“Leave?! You want us to just leave?” Segundu asked angrily.
“Please……..If you refuse I will be force to make you all or even kill all of you and I do not want to coast any more pain.”
“Pain?!” You already took a shot at Kauji.”
“Yes and yet he is still alive. Do not take my grace lightly, the next one I strike I will kill.” Jugo answered.The dragoners grew quiet as you could fill the air fill with such dense air.Segundu power-level started to rise.
“My dragoner army, fall back now.” Segundu said.
“But my king…” One dragoner started.
That’s when Segundu raised his power level violently. “I said leave.” Segundu reiterated.
The one dragoner just nodded. “Dragoners fall back.” He said as him and the rest of the dragons, as well as dragoners, remaining montye and other nation warriors fled the scene.
“Segundu…..brother don’t-”
“Don’t Jugo. You struck down Kauji.” Segundu interrupted.
“He tried to attack Mecha black dragon.” Jugo fussed back.
“But the Mecha black dragon tried to kill us first.” Segundu retaliated.
“I know.” Jugo answered back.
“Y-you know and yet you struck down a friend. Why?”
“Because I told him not to attack. The Mecha Black Dragon is mines and mines alone.”
“You struck down a friend, a fellow dragoner because you have a personal vendetta against Mecha Black?”
“Yes I did.”
“Jugo….It is clear to me that you have no remorse for what you have done. There for….” Segundu drew his blade out.
“Segundu, don’t do this… if you go down this path I will have no choice but to kill you.”
Segundu just spoke, “Now become hard as stone, Iwa no hōchō.” His blade transformed. That’s when an aloud thud came from behind Segundu.
“Jugo… I have always considered you a friend. I know you will lay your life down for anyone and anything, but tonight you have created treason. You have struck down a fellow dragoner and you did it without any remorse. I personally would rather not fight but talk it out. But it seems like my partner has made up his mind and so have you. So please do not take it any kind of way, but just because we were friends don’t mean I will be sparing you. I will be at you with all my power and strength I have in my body.” The armored dragon said as he walked up.
Jugo just breathed heavily and in the blink of an eye he was right there in front of both the armored dragon and Segundu. Segundu swung his blade. But Jugo just propelled himself into the air.
“Air bullet.” Armored Dragon said as he shot a high powerful wind shot his mouth. The air bullet ripped through the sky as it was about to hit Jugo. Jugo though just caught the attack with one hand. He then sent the bullet right back at both Armored Dragon and Segundu.
“Segundu, come now.” The Armored dragon commanded as he stuck his tongue out. It wrapped around Segundu and pulled him into his mouth. The attack hit the armored dragon with so much force he fell to his knees. He managed to open one eye as he study the sky.
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Hello, Dino here for a review!
So, you do have an interesting idea with dragons and all. However, while this does seem like a good piece, you lack the actual plot. It is instead filled with dialogue tags and when works are filled with dialogue instead of the plot, it tends to bore the reader. Also, when it comes to dialogue, try focusing on what the voices of your characters inside your head because the reader doesn't know what they sound like. Give some description towards them and be sure also that the dialogue follows along with the plot.
Another thing I noticed when reading this is your plot is kind of lacking in interesting. I mean by that is one scene runs into the other and often times, it can be hard to keep track of what is happening next. I also like to mention I haven't read the previous chapter to this so forgive me if I get anything wrong.
Your opening to this chapter, also, feels a bit weak. I think with every chapter you should give a slight background to what has happened in the previous. This also helps with grabbing the attention of your readers.
While I think the mecha black dragon talking, I think it is best you say this. Also, the order of your words seems to me in the wrong order. Possibly you should start off with "if you don't get out of my face ... burn you to a crisp" at the beginning then "you want to take it" at the end. "However" is not needed either because when or if you do use however, it is used to join two simple sentences. In this case, you used it in the beginning and you do so, be sure to use a comma and what follows after must be a complete sentence.
Well, I think you should mention how far away Anarite was from the dragon's face and how close was Shevia. Description of the background is as important as the giving the novel some plot. I think the best case scenario is to have the image in your head and figure out from there. It usually helps to plot out the scene on paper before writing it out.
So, at first, I thought Anarite was a guy. Maybe try showing that in the beginning? Like, cut off from what is happening in the last chapter and then transition it to the beginning of this chapter. It'd be easier for those that read the second chapters instead of the first.
Anyway, back to the quote at hand. From first glance, it seems to be like a runoff sentence/bunch of sentences put together that some of them should be placed together. For example, where Shevia gets on Anarite and flies away. I would suggest combining those two sentences together.
Your ending feels a bit rushed? Like, suddenly they are attacking. When writing scenes like this, action packed and where someone broke the rules, are more focused on smaller details and are filled with greater description than the rest of the chapter. I suggest looking up some action scenes that could help you.
Overall, while this work could use some help, I think you can do it. There are some places that need description. Some places that need to be cut down with description. And some places that need to have the plot thicken. Other than that, you have a good idea of what is happening. I'm can't wait to read what happens next.
If you have any questions, let me know!
Dino
Thanks Dino, but its not Chapters, It's just one story broken up, You probably understand the plot better if you read part one. But thanks for the critiques
Hi there!
So this is a pretty interesting story with OODLES OF DRAGONS.
However, you have a loooooooooooot of dialogue. As in, kind of too much for how much narration there is, particularly in the first section. I would quote it to show you, but look back at the section where they're talking to the Grand Dragon! It gets better once you get to the battle with the slitherings, because at that point they're too busy fighting to talk much. So you end up with bits of action like this.
But for the part with the Grand Dragon - really it seems like for just about any part where the characters are having a conversation - you seem to forget about narration. By which I mean: descriptions of the setting and characters, what characters are doing with their bodies or expression during the conversation, where the characters are in relation to each other, etc.
Even the narration you do have is really skimpy on this sort of thing. Take the last bit of the above.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Tell us a little bit about this Silfax plant! What does it look like? What does it smell like? Does it grow in the shade or the sun? Is it easy to find or hidden in crevices or beneath other plants? Do any of the characters have a negative reaction to touching it, like breaking out in hives?
Finding the Silfax plant is a big, important moment, but it's over and done in a single sentence! Draw it out more. Show the readers more of what's happening - it'll make the story more interesting and make readers feel more involved.
This is your second review on a story I have done. Thank you. As far as Dialogue I know its kind of a lot but my charaters just love talking in all my books for some reason. Idk, but I do like the idea of drawing out the plot for the silifax a little longer. But I thought I did a good job of it by adding in the snake like creature. I mean the silifax grow up there on the cliff of the snake like creature cave so they are visible the minute you get up there...but if there is a way to make this more drawn out please express it to me so I can fix it.
Well, so the silifax scene. Can you picture it in your head, how it happens that the characters find it? Who sees it first? What does it look and smell like? Was it growing in a tight crevice and hard to spot, or was there a big patch of a bunch of silifax plants growing together? Did the characters say anything to each other when they found it?
If you can picture these things, include some of them in the story. Show the readers what you see! I think it's better to start with too much detail and cut a bunch of it out later than to start with nothing and have to add more detail.