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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Realm of the dragons 4/4

by Holiday30


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Shevia floated in darkness for she spotted a boy sitting under a light. He had blond hair and ocean blue eyes. She floated down to him.

“Hi. My name is Shevia.” Shevia introduce.

The boy just smiled as he grabbed Shevia’s hand. He walked her over to a spot and pointed. There Shevia seen a city on fire and there was The Mecha black dragon there roaring fiercely. On top of its head stood a man with black hair. Anartie was also there and on top of his head was a young boy who looked just like Shevia.

“Who is that boy?” Shevia asked. The boy with blonde hair shrugged his shoulder. His mouth then began to move but no sound came out.

“What?” Shevia asked.

The boy mouth moved once more but Shevia still couldn’t hear him. The boy once more and she read his lips.

“Jugo.”

That’s when Shevia woke up in a cold sweat. She was Hyperventilating when Segundu put his hands on her shoulder.

“Hey, calm down Shevia.”

“No we have to find Jugo now, before he….”

“Shevia.” Segundu said as he looked at his sister.

She could tell from the look in his eyes.

“No." She cried.

She rested her head on Segundu’s shoulder. “I am sorry but it was confirmed this morning. Our older brother Jugo is now dead. And once more the Mecha black Dragon has disappeared. 

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276 Reviews

Points: 16802
Reviews: 276

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Sun Jun 25, 2017 1:29 am
rosette wrote a review...



Hello Holiday, and Happy Review Day!
I haven't read any previous parts of this, so I apologize if I misinterpret anything wrongly.

This was difficult for me to read, due to quite a few grammatical errors. I see RavenBlack pointed them out, but maybe try to read this over, maybe even out loud, before you post it, and fix what you can. If you really feel as if you need some help, check out the Grammar & Research page. They've got some pretty useful stuff. (;

Shevia floated in darkness for she spotted a boy sitting under a light.

Usually, whenever a "for" is used, it's to answer the previous statement's why. So this would read: Shevia floated in darkness... why? For she spotted a boy sitting under a light. That doesn't really make sense to me, because a sentence later, she's floating down to him and introducing herself. So why float in darkness when he's sitting under a light? Wouldn't he see her, anyway? I'm not getting the setting of this scene, so it's a bit difficult to imagine.

The Mecha black dragon there roaring fiercely. On top of its head stood a man with black hair.

I don't know the people's habits in your world, but I do find standing on top of a dragon's head a little unique. And strange. I know this is a dream, but exactly what is the point of having them there?

I thought this ended abruptly. Once more, I don't know the background or setting of this story, but she has a dream, wakes up, says she needs to find her brother, and her other brother tells her he's dead.
The End.
Um. Is that it? All these other parts, and we come to this conclusion. I don't know if this was your original ending, or if there's more, but from what I see here... I think you could do another part. We don't know how this other brother dies, how the Dragon disappeared again - I dunno. This seems like a huge opportunity to make this ending a beginning.


I'm sorry if I couldn't be of much help, and I apologize if I came across harshly or anything like that. That was certainly not my intention! If you have any questions about anything I said, do let me know. Keep up your writing, and of course, have a great day. (:
cheers!




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58 Reviews

Points: 15
Reviews: 58

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Fri Jun 02, 2017 5:07 pm
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RavenBlack wrote a review...



Hey Raven Black here!

I'm going to review this as I go along :-D

-'Shevia floated in darkness for she spotted a boy sitting under a light' The way this sentence is written makes it seem that she was floating because she saw a boy, which doesn't make sense to me.

- 'She floated down to him.' I don't think floated is the right word here, i suggest 'descended' or 'flew'.

- 'There Shevia seen a city on fire...' you mean 'saw'

-'...was The Mecha black dragon there roaring fiercely.' i suggest taking out 'there'. It doesn't fight with the sentence.

- 'Hyperventilating' this should be in lower case.

- '“Shevia.” Segundu said as he looked at his sister.' When writing dialogue if the sentence isn't finished you use a comma instead of a full stop. So this sentence should be written as: “Shevia,” Segundu said as he looked at his sister.


The strong part of this piece was the plot. It was very intriguing! I was curious about the dream, who these characters were and especially at the end the connection between them and the Mecha dragon. However I feel that your writing let you down, there were too many mistakes and times when I was confused. Work on this and you'll stories will be spectacular!

Keep Writing :-D





i, too, use desk chairs for harm and harm alone
— Omni