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18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Realm of Olympia part 1/3

by Holiday30


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

It was the day of Jugo’s funeral and all the remaining dragons and dragoners came along with other natation who wanted to pay their respect. Once his funeral was over and every creature dispersed the only beings left were Segundu, armored dragon, Shevia, and Anartie.

“Well damn, there goes another fine creature.” A voice said from the shadows.

Shevia and the gang turned their head to the shadow reader who emerged from the shadows of an Aesculus.

“Shadow reader!” Segundu barked as he drew his blade. The rest of the crew prepared for battle.

“Wow. Look I didn’t come to fight so you can put away your sharp objects.”

“So why are you here?” Anartie flared his nose.

“Jesus Christ I was asked to come here.” Shadow Reader explained when his eyes landed on Shevia.

He moved passed everyone else so quickly and grabbed Shevia hand.

“Why hello there. I don’t think we ever met.” The Shadow Reader smiled.

“Get your grubby hands off her.” Segundu snapped as he swung his blade. The shadow just ducked the blade and Segundu was able to stop himself but only after he drew blood from one side of Shevia’s neck.

“Oh my god. Are you okay?”

“Wow Segundu you should watch where you swing that thing.’ The shadow Reader teased.

“Why you!” Segundu yelled. He got up with his blade and was about to swing but the Shadow Reader had already moved passed Segundu. One of his fingers began to glow as he touched Shevia neck where she got wounded. She grunted in pain as the blood and wound began to disappear.

“What are you doing to her?’ Segundu screamed as he swung his blade one more time. The Shadow Reader caught the blade with his hand. “Yo, chill out I healed her.”

Anartie got a closer look before speaking. “Yes that seems like what he did.”

“Of course that is what I did. I had to save Shevia; otherwise there would be no reason for me being here.” Shadow Reader said.

“How do you know my name?” Shevia asked.

“Oh because I am psychic.”

“Psychic? What is a psychic?” Shevia asked.

“Oh well it is going to be the raid of all parties once the human realm come into the years of the 2000’s.

“Years of 2000’s? Parties? I do not understand.” Shevia said confusingly.

“Shevia, do not talk to this creature. For all it is is nothing but a great deceiver and don’t mean no good.” Segundu said angrily.

Shadow Reader covered his mouth and shook his head in disbelief. “How can you say that? I was after all your mother’s greatest asset.”

“You was her greatest down fall. She knew she could never trust you and for surely the info you gave her got her killed.” Segundu argued.

“Oh you still talking about that… look in my defense I never knew I was strictly working for the dragons and dragoners. I mean the Spawniks gave me good things for the info I gave them on your mama. I still got some of the profit if you want some of it.”

“Why you!” Segundu enraged as his power level shot through the roof.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down man don’t you want to know about the letter that Shevia is holding.” Shadow Reader quickly spoke.

Letter? What letter?” Shevia asked.

“Um the one you are holding.” Shadow Reader answered.

“I am not holding-” “Un-bald your right hand.” Shadow Reader cut off Shevia.

Shevia looked down and un-bald her hand. That was where she found a bald up piece of paper in her hand.

“But how did-” “Instead of wondering on the how, lets focus on the what. Like what is in the note.”

Shevia turned around and she seen the Shadow Reader was behind her. She looked in amazement. “But he was just right there.” She thought as she looked over to her brother.

His face had utter disbelief on it. “I didn’t even see; no I didn’t even sense him move from in front of me. How did he get behind Shevia so quickly?”

“Well are you going to un-bald up the paper and share with the class?” Shadow Reader laughed.

Shevia eyes shift to her brother who still was in shock. She then shifted her eyes back to the Shadow Reader who gestured to her to open up the note. She swallowed hard before opening up the note.

The Note read as the following:

“Dear Shevia,

If you are reading this then my greatest fear came true and it proves that no matter what you do what karma show you is what your future is. Even though I am sad that this has happen to me it does feel me with hope, for karma has shown me another vision of you having a child that can not only save our world but all of the other worlds as well. Before I tell you that story I want you to know how I came to that vision. So the day I left the castle Karma sent me a vision. She showed me if I did not leave not only would I die but the entire kingdom would have went up in smoke, but if I left then only I would die and you would live… your son lives. After that vision I decided it was best I leave. So I left the castle and just as karma predicted, the Mecha Black Dragon was only interested in hunting me. And he chased me all the way to the corner of our world. That is where I ran into ancient graveyard, which I thought I would be sharing with the ones who died there as the Mecha dragon finally caught up to me and deliver a blow that should have killed me. A few days later though I woke up to find myself not dead. After questioning why I wasn’t dead for a couple hours I finally got up and kept east among the tombstones until I ran into a cave. At first I was skeptical about entering about but that’s when I heard a voice call my name from within. So I walked in looking for the voice that called me. It got louder and louder as I got deeper and deeper into the cave, and that’s when I seen it with my own two eyes. The secret cavern. The grave of the creature that should never be reawakened. 5-Tō no hebi ryū, the original dragon, and there at feet of tomb was five stone coffins. Keltic, Celo, Sasuke, Shi, and Kirākitchin; the five known as the original dragoner, also known as the royal five. I could sense the darkness that leaked from there coffins. It kept calling to me and felt myself reach out to touch one but that’s when an arrow shot pass me. I looked up and seen two creatures standing there. They looked like us only without scales, claws and fangs. The female looking specimen began to speak but I couldn’t understand her. That’s when I was attacked by the male version of this species. I kept trying to tell them that I wasn’t an enemy, but the male species just kept attacking. It won’t until I heard him say “Sopikta.”

I quickly said I wasn’t the shadow reader or a member of the shadow lord’s army. In the nick of time too, because the male species blade stopped right at my neck when I said it.

“You can understand me?” I asked them. The Female species nodded her head.

“Well I cannot understand you.” I explained. The Female species looked at the male species as she began to make her way to me. She stretched her arms out to me when the male of here species grabbed her arm and growled. She snatched away and began to fuss in there lounge. The Male species just smacked his lips as he turned his back. She once more reached out to me and grabbed my face. She then kissed me. I finally snatched away from her and asked, “What the hell is wrong with you.

“Aye! You will watch how you speak to Noxi!” The Male species fussed. I looked confused. “I-I can understand you.” I stuttered.

“Yes, because I gave you the gift of our tongue. You see if the female of our species kisses another creature she can give that species the gift of our tongue to understand us.” Noxi explained.

“Oh.” I replied.

“Yeah, so now we can hold you accountable.” The Male Species said as he grabbed me by my throat and drew his blade back.

“Kenõ, calm down.” Noxi calmly asked of the male species.

He growled a couple of times before letting my neck go.

“What is your name?” Noxi asked me.

“Jugo.”

Noxi paused and just for a moment before Kenõ bust out laughing.

“Maybe it’s destine for us to kill the poor bastard after all.

I stepped back as my back pressed hard against the wall.

“Kenõ, that’s enough.” Noxi fussed. She then turned and looked at me. “And you sure your name is Jugo?”

“Yes, why?” I asked.

“It’s just that Jugo in our language is the name of the Picklti that is chosen to be sacrificed to the 5-Tō no hebi ryū.” Jugo’s eyes widen.

“Now it all makes sense.” Jugo thought as he remembered back to what his mother told him.

*****************************************************************************************************

“Mommy, mommy!” Young Jugo cried.

“What is my child?” The woman Dragoner asked as she ran to his aide.

“I had the same nightmare again mommy. The evil dragon you told me about killed me again. The 5-Tō no hebi ryū, killed me, and the four other kids that where with me. Why do I keep having this nightmare mommy?” Young Jugo cried.

“Jugo baby you need to know something.” The woman Dragoner said.

“What is it mommy?” Young Jugo asked with curiously.

“Your name baby. Do you know what it means?”

“No mommy. I just know you said it was my daddy’s name.”

“That’s right baby I did. You see your father wasn’t a dragoner like we are. No your father was a different type of creature known as Pickltie, and the Picklties use to worship the 5-Tō no hebi ryū. Well the 5-Tō no hebi ryū was defeated a 100 years before your father’s death, but because of his people and their inheritance he had to carry on the name Jugo. The Jugos, where a group of Picklties who was selected to be sacrifice to the 5-Tō no hebi ryū, but without it being around the Jugos lost their way in this world and had nothing to live for. So your father packed his bags and traveled a great distance trying to find a new meaning for his life. That is when he ran into me and we fell madly in love. Your father had strength beyond imaged and he quickly rose through the dragoners rank to a top general spot. He and I were sent on a secret covert mission to try to cripple the Spawniks army, and that is when the tragedy happened. I was supposed to die that night but instead your father did, and I held him as he smiled with blood running out of his mouth. I still remember what he said to this day on his death bed.

“Your people, the dragoners say that there is a being who gives of knowledge right? She has the ability to let us see into the future.”

I nodded.

“Good, I see our son and he will be strong, and he will sacrifice his life just as I did. Only difference is instead of saving one life his Scarface will save millions of lives. Please do me this one honor my love, name our son Jugo.” That is when Jugo died.

“But mommy, I don’t wanna die. I want to live forever.”

“Oh Jugo, no being live forever. The truth of the matter is that no being knows when or how they will die. But there is one thing that we can control, and this is what our life meant before we died. What did we do to change the world we live in? Jugo baby embrace your future. It may seem dark and gloomy, but I know one thing for certain, if you stop running from what Karma have instore for you and just except it, you can accomplish anything.” The woman dragoner then kissed young Jugo on his forehead and left out of his room.

I then snapped out of his thoughts looked at the tombs one last time before heading out.

“Jugo wait!” Noxi yelled anxiously.

I stopped in his tracks.

“Where are you going?” She asked.

“I am going stop the Shadow lord; even if it costs me my life.” I responded. Kenõ laughed aloud as he wiped a tear from his eye. He looked up at Jugo who had a dead serious look on his face.

“You are serious?” Kenõ asked.

I turned and once more was leaving from the tombs.

“You don’t have the power to beat the shadow lord. You cannot even beat me!” Kenõ screamed.

Jugo stopped. He drew his blade and in a blink was in front of Kenõ with his blade pressed against his neck.

Kenõ just closed his eyes once more. “You think your level of speed is good enough to beat the shadow lord?” Before Jugo could respond Kenõ was behind. Jugo eyes widen in amazement.

“But how? I didn’t even blink.”

“I have an idea. Kenõ, why don’t we train Jugo?” Noxi suggested.

Kenõ burst out with laughter. “This dragoner wouldn’t last a day doing our training.”

That’s when I knew that the level I was at was nothing to where I needed to be if I wanted to stop the shadow lord. So I did the hardest thing for any dragoner to do. I sat my pride aside and got down on my knees a graveled at the feet of another creature. Once Noxi saw me on my hands and knees, she knew that I was the one, and so did Kenõ. They trained me hard and relentlessly as I fought my way pass my limits. Soon I surpass even them, and that is when I thought I was ready. I left the place which Picklties lived, to go on to find the shadow lord, but before I could do that I knew that I had to do the second hardest thing for a dragoner to do. That is to kill his dragon. I went on for days looking for the Mecha black dragon. There was no trace for me to pick up for him anywhere. The only time I know that he passed a certain area is when I come to that area, and it’s all scorched up and the native creatures of that land tell a very horrible story of a winged creature coming to their home and destroying it. This patterned kept repeating itself until I ran into the Shadow Reader. I struck a deal with him stating Jugo, will lead a band of 6 kids to stop the shadow lord. He shook my hand and then asked me why did I refer to myself in third person, and for the longest time I never knew. But the night before I my arrival to the castle you and Segundu built is when I had that vision of your son again, and he was fighting the shadow lord and was about to die when 6 kids with horns came and saved him. I believe that it’s not me who should lead the kids but it’s your son. So sis, do me the honor, my father the honor, please name your son after us and let him lead his group of kids with horns to save not just our stars, our universe but many more. Thank you

Jugo”

Shevia took a deep breath before folding up the paper.

“Well that note explains a lot, but there are still so many holes to be filled.” Segundu said as he rubbed his chin.”

“Yeah, like how that slick son of a bitch, used karma to trick me… If I would have known that he was planning on another Jugo being born I really wouldn’t have token that deal.” Shadow reader breathed aggravatingly.

Shevia just looked at the paper for a while until she seen a name. That’s when the paper shot up in flames and burned Shevia hand. Shevia dropped the flame and shook her hand reputedly.

“Master Shevia are you alright?” Anartie asked.

“Yes, I will be fine.” She said as she spit on her hand. She stared at it until the spit transformed into a huge puddle that surrounded her hand.

“Hey Segundu.”

“Yea, Shevia?”

“Do we know any creature with the name, Mamoru Takahashi?” The shadow reader looked up.

“No I have never met such a creature why?” Shadow reader without hesitation grabbed Shevia arm with tremendous strength.

“Hey ouch you are hurting me.” Shevia cried.


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Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:27 am
myjaspercat wrote a review...



Hey there Holiday30,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review on this fine of review days

Line-by-Line/Nit-picks

Spoiler! :
It was the day of Jugo’s funeral and all the remaining dragons and dragoners came along with other natation Ok, first thing's first. I'm a little confused here. What context are you trying to use the word "natation" because it doesn't make much sense. I don't know if you're aware or not but "natation" literally translates to swimming, so in your sentence it reads: "and dragoners came along with other swimming who..." which doesn't work. But. that's up to you, just thought I'd point it out. who wanted to pay their respect. Once his funeral was over and every creature dispersed the only beings left were Segundu, armored dragon, Shevia, Is "armored dragon" a whole different character then Shevia or is Shevia the armored dragon? If armored dragon is its own character then why doesn't it have a name? If it's not its own character, then I would add a "the" before "armored." and Anartie. So, as far as beginnings go, this was pretty weak. I mean, why even start off by saying it's the day of Jugo's funeral, why not just cut to the dialogue and throw in a little background for clarification. Right now, this beginning just reads like filler information -it's an info dump for all intents and purposes.

“Well damn, there goes another fine creature.” The period should be changed to a comma and the "a" should be lowercased. A voice said from the shadows.

Shevia and the gang turned their head(s) to the shadow reader who emerged from the shadows of an Aesculus.#0000ff "> Ok, that's three times you've used the word "shadow" in two lines. It's becoming repetitive. If you are going to have the name of the character literally be "Shadow Reader" then I wouldn't have him come from the shadows or at least find a better way of putting it so it doesn't sound too repetitive.

“Shadow reader!” This ties in with what I said above ^ Is this characters name "Shadow reader," or is this just what they call him? If it's their name, then you need to capitalize "reader" as well. Segundu barked as he drew his blade. The rest of the crew prepared for battle. The "action" is happening a little fast.

“Wow. Look I didn’t come to fight so you can put away your sharp objects.”Are they sharp objects or are they weapons? I'm going to assume they're weapons. Therefore you should replace "sharp objects" with "weapons" because sharp objects reads rather immature and just weird. I mean, if some one drew a blade out on you, you most likely wouldn't be all Oh no, please, don't stab me with your sharp object. Or, if that doesn't do it, think about when a cop catches a criminal with a knife: what you would hear -Drop the weapon and put your hands up - not -Drop the sharp objectand put your hands up.-Just, think about small details like that.

“So why are you here?” Anartie [asked, flaring] flared his nose.

“Jesus Christ I was asked to come here.” Shadow Reader explained when his eyes landed on Shevia. I get that your other characters are kind of being rude to Shadow Reader, but his reactions/response seem flat and robotic as well as a little immature.

He moved passed everyone else so quickly and grabbed Shevia('s) hand.

“Why hello there.<-change period to comma I don’t think we ever met.” The Shadow Reader smiled. So, you're being a little inconsistent with how you're introducing Shadow Reader. At times you're introducing them as: The shadow reader, which implies that the character is a shadow reader and that they have some different name. At other times you're introducing them as just: Shadow Reader, which implies that Shadow Reader is the character's name. So, word of advice, in order to not confuse your reader, stick to one way of addressing your character. From this point forward, I'm going to review like Shadow Reader is your character's name.

“Get your grubby hands off her.” The period should be changed to a comma. Segundu snapped as he swung his blade. The shadow <-That makes three ways of addressing the same character. **Pick one way and stick to it. just ducked the blade and Segundu was able to stop himself but only after he drew blood from one side of Shevia’s neck. Grammatically this sentence doesn't make much sense. Do you mean to say that Shadow Reader ducked under the blade and Segundu ended up hitting Shevia in the neck, drawing blood?

“Oh my god. Are you okay?”

“Wow Segundu you should watch where you swing that thing.’ <-This should be a double quotation and the period should be changed to a comma. The Shadow Reader teased.

“Why you!” Segundu yelled. So you don't need both yelled and the exclamation mark in the same sentence. It just becomes redundant since they hold the same meaning, one would suffice. He got up with his blade and was about to swing [again,] but the Shadow Reader had already moved passed [him] Segundu. One of his fingers began to glow as he touched Shevia neck where she got wounded. She grunted in pain as the blood and wound began to disappear. Ok, so who was it exactly that touched Shevia's neck? Was it Shadow Reader or Segundu?

“What are you doing to her?’<-Again, you're missing a double quotation here. Segundu screamed as he swung his blade one more time. Ok, now we know who was touching Shevia but I still think you should make it a little clearer to your readers before this line.The Shadow Reader caught the blade with his hand. “Yo,<-Remove comma chill out *insert comma*I healed her.” I get that every character has their own way of speaking, but the way you're writing the dialogue for Shadow Reader is just too 2000s middle school. Personally, I don't like it.

Anartie got a closer look before speaking. “Yes that seems [to be] like what he did.”

“Of course that is [that's] what I did. I had to save Shevia; <-Semi-colon should be a comma. otherwise there would [there'd] be no reason for [in] me being here.” Shadow Reader said.

“How do you know my name?” Shevia asked.

“Oh *insert comma* because I am psychic.”

“Psychic? What is [What's] a psychic?” Shevia asked.

“Oh well it is going to be the raid of all parties once the human realm come into the years of the [reaches the] 2000’s.

“Years of 2000’s? Parties? I do not understand.” Shevia said confusingly. Yeah, Shevia, I don't understand either.

“Shevia, do not talk to this creature. For all It is is nothing but a great deceiver and don’t means [to do] no good.” Segundu said angrily.

Shadow Reader covered his mouth and shook his head in disbelief. “How can you say that? I was after all your mother’s greatest asset.”

“You was [were] her greatest down fall. She knew she could never trust you and for surely the info you gave her [is what] got her killed.” Segundu argued.

“Oh *insert comma* you still talking about that…#0000ff "><-Get rid of the ellipsis and use a comma instead. look in my defense I never knew I was strictly working for the dragons and dragoners. I mean the Spawniks gave me good things for the info I gave them on your mama. How old are your characters? I feel like they're probably rather older, and therefore why are they still referring to people as "mama." Mother would suit the context much better.I still got some of the profit if you want some of it.”

“Why you!” Segundu [became] enraged as [and] his power level shot through the roof. A) what kind of characters are you trying to create and B) what kind of story is this if you use "power level." Right now I feel like I'm reading the quick draft of a video game and not a piece of prose.


Overview
Ok, so I had to stop there because it was just getting to become to much. Right now you have a lot of inconsistencies throughout your piece and it's honestly really boring to read. The prose is pretty much all telling, the action lacks -well action and the dialogue is very stiff. That said let's look at a few notes:

1. Exclamation marks


! - This is an exclamation mark. It is used to show emphasis and--surprise--exclamation.

Bob bought a cat? I can't believe it!


However, use this sparingly, if at all. Overusing exclamation marks--especially more than one in succession ("!!!")--is about the easiest way you can indicate to your reader that you're an amateur, and possibly a thirteen year old texting about their crush.

Think of it this way: If an exclamation mark is used for emphasis, to draw a reader's attention to something out of all the rest of the story, then you're not really doing that if every other sentence has an exclamation mark. This practice can be very self-indulgent.
Exclamation marks are commonly frowned upon in prose writing. Avoid whenever possible.

***You used exclamation marks quite often throughout your piece. Every once and a while is fine, but too many will just drag down your story as a whole. There are many different ways (better and more engaging ways) of showing your readers that one character is yelling or loudly exclaiming (in one form or another.) Try to discover those ways and use them.

2. Perspectives


If middle school taught you anything about writing, you'll know that there are three perspectives:
-First Person
-Second Person
-Third Person

And that's it. Pick one and go, right?

Well, not exactly.

Since Second Person perspective is so hard to pull off, and Third Person perspective is a bit more expansive, writing in prose will be more like choosing from one of these:
-First Person
-Third Person Limited
-Third Person Ominscient

And even then it gets a little more complicated. But first, let's just do a quick overview of the basic perspectives:

First Person

First Person perspective is a common perspective that relies on a character in the text doing the narration, usually communicating directly to the reader. This is your "I walked into the bar" and "I laughed at Bob" perspective. 1st Person doesn't have to be a character in the text itself, but usually it's better when you're writing in 1st Person to be writing as a persona rather than as the author actually telling a story. Think A Series of Unfortunate Events, which is narrated by Lemony Snicket, a fictional narrator who plays virtually no role in the main plot of the story he is telling.

1st is useful in that it allows you to really get attached to the main character who, theoretically, the reader will be following through the whole book (there are, of course, examples of books that use multiple 1st person narrators and combinations of 1st and 3rd person narrators). Anything written in 1st person has to be at least somewhat character-driven by an interesting 1st person narrator, or else the reader will get bored.

However, 1st person also has a challenge of distance from the reader. Self-descriptions can be very awkward. For example, if a narrator turns around and says:

"I have brown hair and dark eyes"


Then we can be reminded that we're in a story and not being immersed in one, and it can be jarring and awkward. It reeks of author intervening rather than something a character would naturally do. You can find ways to work this kind of description in, but often it seems unreasonable that a character would stop to describe what they look like.

1st Person also has the advantage/disadvantage of unreliable narrators, which are narrators which cast doubt into the reader's mind of how certain we are what we're reading is the truth. This can either be worked to great effect, or can be the downfall of a book.

Second Person

Second Person is the direct address to the reader. This is where the narrator explains everything as "you."

You enter the room. You look around and feel the temperature drop.


It's a very direct form of address, and can be used very powerfully. However, there's a reason it's the least common form of perspective in prose fiction, and that's largely because it's tiring to read.

For one thing, it feels unnatural to most modern readers. We're used to reading in "He, she, it" and "I, me, we" but "You, yours," is strange to us, and it works our minds harder to read something in this form, especially in longer works.

However, it's because it's such a powerful address that it's tiring. It involves the reader in a way without a distance that first and third person perspectives provide, and that can leave a reader feeling exposed and overwhelmed.

Subject matter also needs to be taken into account. If you're writing a graphic murder scene, a reader might be turned off by the second person perspective (whether they're the victim or the murderer). 2nd can also be tricky to pull of without feeling gimmicky. I also, personally, always feel like challenging 2nd person perspective. If a story tells me:

You start feeling scared


I think "no I don't" and close the book.

2nd person can be done, and there are great books out there that use it, but if you're using this guide to tell you what 2nd person perspective is, you're probably not skilled or mature enough to be able to wield it effectively yet.

Third Person Limited

It can help to think of perspectives in the same way as movie cameras or, more accurately, video game cameras. Certain video games, like Call of Duty or Bioshock, are played in the first-person-perspective, where you see the world through the character's eyes. Others are played in what's referred to as Over-The-Shoulder Third Person. These are games like Uncharted or Gears of War where you still follow the same character around, but there's a distance between you and that character.

This is Third Person Limited, which sticks to one character (in any given scene) and doesn't hop to others. Here, we're tethered to that character but we have more room to see the bigger picture, learn things that that character hasn't figured out, while still enjoying the depth and attachment to a single figure. So it largely comes with a lot of the benefits of the first person perspective, but isn't as constrained. This does mean you sacrifice some of the more personal connection to the reader, but that can be worth it.

It can also be tricky to avoid head-hopping in this perspective, as you might be tempted to move freely from each character's thoughts. However, if you're in Third Person Limited, you have to stick with the character whose perspective you've established for that scene. The Harry Potter books did not swap to tell us what Ron Weasley was thinking--that was something J.K.Rowling had to show us through Harry's perspective.

To head-hop is to confuse the reader and lose control of your own prose. Both are book-killers.

Third Person Omniscient

If this was a video game, this would be a top-down strategy game where you have control over a number of characters. An omniscient narrator is a completely impartial objective narrator that has access to the thoughts of every single character.

In this perspective, you are allowed and expected to head-hop, since the reader knows what they're getting into. If Harry Potter was Third Person Omniscient, we would have seen what Ron Weasley was thinking. However, we also would have seen what Hermione Granger was thinking, and Albus Dumbledore, and Voldemort.

Maybe you see the problems of Omniscient here.

For one thing, it can be tedious. If you don't show us the thoughts of most characters as they do things, a reader can feel cheated. If a character suddenly reveals at the end of the book that they've known all along Harry Potter was a Horcrux (Er... spoilers, by the way, I guess) then the reader is going to feel cheated, because we've been in that character's head. That's the author purposely withholding information from the reader for a literary payoff, which is a form of author intrusion, which is a good way to ruin the immersion of the book.

So you have to make sure you cover important details and not cheat, which can mean you'll have to take up time to cover several character's thoughts (you obviously don't have to do a role call of every character in the room whenever they think of something new). This can also kill tension--imagine if we really did know what Dumbledore and Voldemort were thinking in the Harry Potter books, or if in Chamber of Secrets we'd wandered over to Ginny's perspective just as she thought to herself "Oh man, I hope they don't discover that I'm the one writing all these messages" (Er... spoilers). But to not do so would be to cheat, and cheating is bad.

However, you can see that there's some use for omniscient. Yes, Chamber of Secrets would lose all mystery if we knew it was Ginny operating under Tom Riddle's command that was responsible for everything, but on the other hand can you think about how awesome the dramatic irony of the book would have been? While Harry and Ron are worried about catching Draco Malfoy, we the reader are wondering when they'll figure out it's really the quiet sister sitting across from them.

Like second person, it's tricky to pull off, but there are major benefits to writing in this form.

*

After you decide which perspective you write from, you have another question to ask yourself: Whose perspective will you write from? I mean, depending on how you planned your book you'll know who the protagonist is before you know which perspective you'll write in, but bear with me.

What you should look for in a perspective character is who has access to the most interesting perspective on a scene itself. Usually this means your protagonist, because theoretically they're an active character the reader is attached to. But sometimes you'll want to show something the protagonist might not see. It's perfectly okay, depending on your writing, to switch to another perspective to show a different scene. Perhaps you have multiple perspectives like many epic fantasy novels. Maybe you just want a quick one-off scene from the antagonist's POV. It's okay, as long as you make it clear what's happening, whose perspective we're switching to, and it works in the novel.

Note: Perspective changes like this can be tricky in first-person perspective, as there's a sort of understanding that the first-person narrator is telling you the story. It can feel cheap to suddenly switch to somebody else's perspective, especially if it's a one-off, as if you couldn't find a better way to establish information to the reader. It can be done, of course, as there are books with multiple first-person-perspective narrators, and books that mix first and third-person.

If you are writing outside of omniscient, it is a good idea to indicate a perspective change, either by putting a space between paragraphs when the shift happens, or some kind of symbol (like a * or a #). Generally speaking, it's a better idea to stick to one perspective for a scene and avoid hopping back and forth like this, as it can become confusing. But again, if it works it works.

***To be honest, I couldn't really pin-point a perspective for your story. I know that may sound a little stupid, but your writing so stiff and bland that it didn't really hit me. I would have really loved to have seen more.

3. Show don't tell

Continuing with the most basic of advice, the one piece that everyone hears when they start writing, and even professional authors struggle with. This is the benchmark piece of writing advice that, if followed, will improve your writing tenfold. But what exactly does it mean?

Showing versus Telling has always seemed to me to be a matter of how you establish information. At it's basest level, you've shown information if the reader is able to interpret it themselves, but you've told information if you've established that information yourself by addressing the reader or through exposition.

Now, telling has it's place; the rule would be better titled "When to Show, When to Tell" since both are valid forms of information establishment and, as I'm about to argue, it's impossible to not tell at all.

But why is showing better than telling? Basically, it's more engaging. If the reader is coming to conclusions on their own, they are more involved with the text, which means they'll be more immersed. Telling, conversely, has about the same level of engagement that a history or science textbook might, and is half as interesting.

Another way of looking at it is the difference between visual and oral storytelling. A visual story, one that you read, relies moreso on showing to be good. There's time and room to let the reader come to their own conclusions, and that's part of the fun. An oral tale, on the other hand, will be shorter and more direct--whether it's a fable or a joke you're telling at school--so you have to tell a few things. That's why fairy tales, their origins in oral tradition and emerging from an era where telling was the preferred mode, tend to tell more than show--we're told someone is a virtuous beautiful princess because there's no time to show us through other actions, and that'd be boring anyway.

So how do you go about showing over telling? Well, let's look at an example.

Bob was angry.


This is telling. This is the narrator telling us that Bob is angry. Compare that to the following:

Bob kicked open the door and punched the wall, growling as he did so, his face turning a deep shade of red.


Here, the reader can figure out that Bob is angry from the actions he takes. That means this is showing. By expanding on the information, and writing it as part of the scene, I've turned telling into showing. Here's another example:

Bob was not good at hitting on women.


Compared to:

"Hey hot stuff," Bob said, winking at Susan. "How'd you like to go to my room and see what happens?"


In this example, I've used dialogue to show the reader just how bad Bob is at hitting on women, rather than directly telling them he's bad at it. Note, however, that I didn't just go this route:

"Bob is so bad at hitting on women," Susan said.
[/quote]

This technically could work, but it risks getting into As You Know territory, which is where one character delivers exposition to another character that both characters are obviously already aware of, and its only purpose is to fill the reader in on that exposition. This is clumsy writing, and looks rather ridiculous. There's also just less engagement to turning the telling into an exact dialogue quote, rather than something more interesting like the first example, so you should try and be a bit more creative with it.

However, you'll notice that these examples still have telling. The narrator is telling the reader what Bob is doing. It's telling us Bob kicked open the door, and that he punched a wall. That is why I see showing not so much as an alternative to telling, but a way of using telling to create an illusion of showing. Therefore, telling is unavoidable, which means you shouldn't beat yourself up too much over it, and you should be careful in critiques when you accuse people of telling.

It also means it's quite tricky to decide when you're telling too much, which is why so many authors have a problem with it. If everything is telling, it becomes less a matter of identify the telling and changing it to showing, and instead grows into figuring out where in the telling you could be showing more strongly.

There are some things you'll want to tell. Maybe it's a passage of time you want to skip over, or an unimportant detail that would only kill the pacing of your story if you included it. In these moments, it's perfectly fine to go into telling.Telling is okay, if you know why you're using it.

So, on a scene level, you need to decide what you're going to show as a scene and what you can just skip over, with exposition or not. This is where you have to have skill--you need to decide what you want to accomplish in a scene, and what you can accomplish in a scene, and what you can cram in there to keep the story moving, develop character, and keep the reader hooked all at the same time.

On a sentence-by-sentence level, you should probably be aiming for showing any time you can. One helpful tip is to look for the word "was" if you're writing in past tense, or "is" if you're writing in present tense. These, such as with the example above, often lead to instances of telling, so keep an eye out.

Really, the only way to catch all instances of telling is to comb your writing line-by-line, word-by-word and deciding how exactly you're going about establishing information. It is, unfortunately, one of those problems that you can only really solve with awareness. Learn how to distinguish showing against telling, and then recognize that in your own writing.

***Basically, your entire piece was told rather then showed. That's not good. You should really work on this.

Final Thoughts
I think that's all I'm going to leave you with. If you have any questions please feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.




Holiday30 says...


I still don't understand what you are saying, I have read this story many times over and so has others and they say that it's not stiff or boring. In fact its packed with action from the very beginning. Steggy did hit some key points in his/her review that I will need to look into, but your review is rather ambiguous to me. Because I nor the people who has read this can understand your review on this. POV switching I know is a bad thing but I just wanted every who read the first story to understand what happen with Jugo when he left. So the letter was just a back story to the first story. Show instead of told.....I do not understand that neither, explain more so I can fix that, and as far as exclamation points go, I only use an excessive amount when "!!!!!!" like this when something truly goes down. Some of my favorite writers, and comic book writers do this all the time. I don't think its childish, I think it shows urgent. Plus I do not understand, why all people who do review only nit pick what was bad with the story. To me that's not cool and it brings down the writer's moral. I am not saying not to correct the writer if you see something wrong, but you can throw in some positives like well "Overall your story was confusing but I like how you showed that Segundu cares about Shevia." If all you point is the negatives the how do think the writer will get the will to continue on with his/her story. the just going to think there piece is trash and they will lose the will to continue on. You are the only one I see do this I have been to several writer's pages and have some of the reviews, and they can be harsh. I try my best to find bright spots in the writers story however, and then there are some where I look at the reviewers review and I be like, bro all this negativity, but I just fond so many positives......idk that's just me, but thanks for the review.



myjaspercat says...


Ok, well first of all I never meant to offend you in anyway. And I'm not saying your story didn't have any good parts, I did find the idea interesting and I think you have a lot of room for some awesome character development but the thing is, with what you have right now it's a little weak. I hate to be rude but sometimes I come off that way and I always try to apologize for that however I think it's twice as rude when an author replies to a critique and pretty much tells them that they don't know what they're talking about or that they're this mean -never points out positives- person. Yes, sometimes I review pieces and in the processing of trying to help the writer I forget to throw in positives which I'm sorry about that but what I write in my reviews is all based off of what I've read -what I've learned and what has been suggested to me throughout my process of trying to grow as a writer myself. I never said your piece was trash I never intended my review to make you feel that way, so I'm sorry. But anyway, I don't mean to be rude. And sometimes my overall reviews may seem weird if you haven't read the line by line. So if you haven't (as I have no way of telling wither you did or not) then I suggest doing so -then I think the overall writing may become a bit clearer, if no then feel free to ask. Anyway, good luck and continue writing.



Holiday30 says...


Lol, I wasn't trying to be rude when I said what I said to you, because I know my typing or writing style is a bit hard to grasp and some times my mind thinks faster then I type and write. I do not mind being show where I need to get my strengths up because I want people to enjoy my stories as much as I do in my head. I see the story playing out in front of me and that's how I try to portray it to the readers, so if you didn't understand it or my writing didn't make sense then you have the right to call me on it. If I came off like I was mad, I wasn't I just was stating my opinion on things as well show you what angle I was going for. So I am sorry if I made you feel bad for your review. I really did just appreciate you reading my piece.



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Sat Jul 29, 2017 3:00 am
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Dino here for a review!

To begin, I want to say the beginning of this chapter doesn't seem to hook me in, at first. What I mean by this you should go into more detail about what happened at the funeral instead of saying it ended. I would add some conversations between the characters or even mention it slightly. Another thing I noticed was you just give characters out but you don't describe them or why they are even there in the first place. Perhaps you could start off with where this funeral was taking place, to give a kind of visual that could help the reader understand a bit more.

all the remaining dragons and dragoners came along with other natation who wanted to pay their respect.


and every creature dispersed the only beings left were Segundu, armored dragon, Shevia, and Anartie.


This sentence I have quoted seems to be a bit worded weirdly. I think what you could is something like this: and after every creature dispersed, the only beings that stayed behind were Segundu, the armored dragon (?), Shevia, and Anartie. This way, it seems to run smoother and makes a little more sense.

I'm guessing this guy who died played a big part in the community that this story seems to take place. One suggestion here, though, what is a natation? Maybe it is a group of dragoners or something; I think you should clarify it so it doesn't make any confusion for later readers. ^^ Next part I want to focus on is the dialogue, mainly on how you describe the voices of the characters. To begin, when writing dialogue, you should focus mainly on what it sounds like inside of your head. Think about it because often times the voice inside of your head doesn't always match what is inside of your reader's head. Once you have a main grip of what the voice is like, it might be a bit harder to actually write it down. Firstly, I think you should voice on how deep it is (you could research what are the different types of voices and find adjectives to help you). Second and last thing you do, be sure it matches up with what is happening in the story because if you have the wrong dialogue in the wrong place, then it just confuses everything.
Anyway, back to the dialogue.

“Well damn, there goes another fine creature.” A voice said from the shadows.


For this dialogue tag, I feel like the shadow reader's voice would be deep but gentle. Kind of like a villainous vibe that I think the shadow reader is living up to? One thing I want to know more about is what does the shadow reader look like? Again, description is key for that sorta thing. This site might be able to help you a little more.

Shevia and the gang turned their head to the shadow reader who emerged from the shadows of an Aesculus.


What's an Aesculus? Perhaps it is another type of dragon?

“Wow. Look I didn’t come to fight so you can put away your sharp objects.”


This seems more like a question than a statement, which in this case, you should change the period to a question mark.

“Jesus Christ I was asked to come here.” Shadow Reader explained when his eyes landed on Shevia.

He moved passed everyone else so quickly and grabbed Shevia hand.


In a sequence, I think the second sentence should go after the shadow reader explained part because it makes more sense than for him to land on her while quickly scanning everyone then grabbing her hand and such. Also it would be Shevia's hand instead of Shevia hand.

“Get your grubby hands off her.” Segundu snapped as he swung his blade. The shadow just ducked the blade and Segundu was able to stop himself but only after he drew blood from one side of Shevia’s neck.


Don't forget to put an of in what Segundu is saying, preferably after off and before her. Also this scene where Segundu is swinging at the shadow reader and hits Shevia, I feel like you mention the placement of where they are because it could easily be in a different order than from what you imagine. Also it feels a bit slow motioned, too. I kind of wanted Segundu and the shadow reader to go at it (that might happen later) but anyway, when writing fight scenes, it should advance the plot a little and show the character's true potential. For this one, you show that Segundu cares for Shevia when he accidentally cuts her neck (you should also specify if it was a big or small cut; minor details are important, too. xP This site might help you with fight scenes and how to write them very nicely.

“Yo, chill out I healed her.”


This seems very uncharacteristic of the shadow reader, especially since you mentioned the yo part. Perhaps say I healed her so please calm down or something similar.

“Oh well it is going to be the raid of all parties once the human realm come into the years of the 2000’s.


This seems.... a bit confusing? It's like you are saying the psychic will be the trend once the human realm comes into play but you say it in a twisting manner. Perhaps just say what you mean or something so it can make sense when someone is reading it.

For the letter portion, it is a big chunk and that can be a eyesore for some people (including me). What I suggestion is breaking it up in smaller chunks, like paragraphs. Also in the letter it seems to spill a lot of info at once, which can be harder to handle for some people. Maybe just focus on the important details that you want to share and it can be a bit easier for people to understand what the letter is about. It's like making stew. You don't want to overdose on potatoes; you have to have the right stuff to make it yummy so in this case, you should even out the details. After the letter is being read, you seem to go into a different POV than before, unless this character hasn't be announced. In any case, keep the POV consistent through the chapter because consistency is key in all types of writing.

Okay, I'm a bit confused as to what is happening in the letter. Like, it is a memory but almost in the POV of Jugo. What I suggest for this is try to separate what is happening within the letter. Maybe even have the memory be a separate chapter? In any case, be sure to have it in italics so you are able to tell the difference between which is the memory and which is the real point in time.

How you ended this chapter is rather abrupt because it just ends. Like are they going somewhere? For the ending, write until you think you're done; it could go for like sentences or paragraphs. Give something that would want the readers to read on to the next chapter. It's like a road being built. You wouldn't stop halfway to go do something else? You would most likely finish what you've started and end it at where you should.

Anyway, this chapter could use some work. I would recommend researching some action scenes to help with writing the scene in the beginning and also how to interswitch POVs so it doesn't seem too chunky. Also, don't forget to describe the characters more, to give the picture inside of the reader's mind, more color.

If you have any questions, let me know!

Steggy




Holiday30 says...


Hey Steggy, Thank you for the review but I have to say I feel it was a bit unfair. However, I have come to realize that not everyone goes and read the stories/ Chapters before hand like I do so a lot of people tend to get a bit confuse. So I will clarify some of this for you. First let go back to what you said about natation....lol I really think it was suppose to be nation, but I was just typing to fast. Then the voices, I like what you said and I will do better with the voices.....You gave shadow Reader a deep voice, that's hilarious cause in my mind he sounds like Orochimaru from naruto. Aesculus, is a word that means Oak Tree in Latin, I thought having them speak some Latin would be nice, in fact I am trying to work angle here so that people would be able to connect the dot and see that in my book the Latin language and Chinese language came from this realm and landed in our realm. Once again I do not want to spoil it for you but I don't know if you will even continue to read this so, no Shadow reader and Segundu does not fight. The reason why is unspoken understandment. Even though Segundu attacked the Shadow Reader several times you notice no one else jumped in. Why? Cause they all understand that the Shadow Reader is to powerful. And that confrontation is one they really don't want. Segundu really don't want that either but when a man's pride is attack what's he gonna do? Moving on As far as the way the shadow reader talks, well it goes that way in the story, so i will just spoil it for you. Shadow reader has been to the human realm in different time periods through out the human realm. And he just fell in love with the millennium of the 2000. It intrigued him. He wanted to stay, but his master called him back and sent him there to the world of the dragons. The later and memory thing I see what your saying but in order to understand Jugo you had to experience everything he did when he left to chase after the Black dragon. SO that's kind of why I did it that way, sorry for the confusion. POV, well it just shifts, the letter is address to shevia so she is reading it but I shift it to Jugos point of view so once agian we can experience what he was experiencing at that time, sorry agian. and finally, this isn't a chapter boo but a short story. However many people complained that my stories where too long and the reason why i do not get a lot of reviews is because I have to long of a post, so I just break them down now.




Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
— Homer Simpson