z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Realm of the Dragons 1/4

by Holiday30


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Long ago, In a Realm where mythical creatures roam there was a powerful species known as dragons. The dragons ruled this realm and were deemed gods of this realm. Their leader, the biggest and most powerful dragon name was the Grand dragon and no one of that realm seem to have power to stop him, well until that day, the day he met a new breed of beings in his realm. They were called Dragoners. Beings with Dragon like traits that can be taught how to use a Dragon’s power.

(Dragons furious roar) (Two beings patenting with tremendous fatigue)

“How? You are smaller and weaker than me and yet we are the same? How?” The Grand dragon asked a Dragoner.

“Equal?” The Dragoner asked. “That we are not. I am more powerful because I have love in my heart.”

“Love? That makes you weak. Love isn’t real power.” The Grand dragon roared. He then went and tried to eat the dragoner but the dragoner grabbed two of the Grand dragon’s teeth. He slammed the dragon head down and stood on his nose.

“How?” The grand dragon asked himself. He then roared fiercely as he made the Dragoner get off his nose. He bit, and clawed but his attempts fell as the dragoner just kept dodging his attack.

“Damn you!” The grand dragon yelled as he clawed at the Dragoner once more, but once more the Dragoner dodged the attack.

“What the…. Where, where did he go?” The grand dragon asked.

“You-hoo, I am over here friend.”

The dragon turned and seen the dragoner on a bolder. He had his hands together.

“So I got a proposition for you my friend.” The Dragoner said.

“Proposition?” The grand dragon asked.

“Yes, you have a move known as the great noble flame right? Well how about you use that move against my, eight paths to enlightenment? And if I can stop and hold your flames, then you and your dragons you lead will become allies with me and my fellow dragoners.”

“And if I win?”

“Then my fellow dragoners will lie down and allow you to take their lives as well.”

“Wait you speak for all of them as though they will be willing to take such ridicules bet.” The grand dragon lifted up and peered out to thousands of dragoners.

“Tell me, do you all agree to this dragoner’s term.

“Yeah! We believe in Gautama!” “Long live the enlightment!” “Fight against the darkness until we can see the light!” All the dragoners yelled and hollered.

“Well then prepare for your light to flame out!” The grand dragon roared as he cocked his head back. Gautama moved his hands in a circular motion until you seen 8 arms and hands. The grand dragon with one might blow shot his great noble flame at Gautama.

The flames were so powerful that the rock which Gautama was standing on began to melt. The grand dragon stopped and laughed as he looked at the smokey spot.

“There is no way he survived that.”

The grand dragon then looked out to the dragoners. “You all betted on Gautama, and he is now dead, which means you all are dead.” The grand dragon laughed. He cocked his head back when a fireball smacked him in the face. The Grand dragon looked down to the smokey spot.

Once the smokey spot cleared there stood Gautama and seven of his eight hands were hold a fireball. The grand dragon looked at one of Gautama hand and notice it was extended and not holding a fire ball.

He rubbed his face with his tale and said. “Eight.”

Gautama smiled and walked out so all of his dragoners could see him. All his came together as each hand added a fireball until he only had two hand and one giant fire ball.

“Today, we make history. The Dragons and the dragoners will work together, and become one unit. We shall stop all wars and achieve love, harmony and peace!” He then slammed the flame into the ground. And his fellow dragoners began to hoop and holler and cheer.

The Grand Dragon just closed his eyes. “I have always been feared. No one ever stepped to me and all knew who I was. I never followed but was followed. This will be new for me and I cannot promise I won’t disagree with somethings you say Gautama, but if there is such a being, worth for me to follow, well that being is you. And I will follow you until my heart stop beating…..” The grand dragon thought to himself as he gave off a roar of respect to his new partner Gautama.”

A few decades later………………………………………………………………………

The dragons and dragoners began to work together, as they fought a many wars, but after each war Gautama did pray and teach the other beings of the enlighten path, so that war could end and after a while war did begin to slow until the faithful day of Gautama’s death.

Earlier that day………………………………………………………………………………

“Gautama!” The grand dragon sung. Gautama was meditating in the garden.

When then grand dragon landed he wrapped around the entire dragoners village three times.

Gautama open one eye and chuckled as he got up.

“What?” the grand dragon asked.

“The fact that I was out here meditating in the sun and you blocked it out. You made it night time in the middle of the day.”

“Oh, I am so sorry.” The grand dragon apologized.

“You are okay my friend, now what has you excited?” Gautama asked.

“Oh, I went to the montyes and spoke of peace love and harmony, and guess what… they accepted what I had to say. The montyes signed the peace treated. That is another nation. At this point only two nations remain. The Spawniks and the house of slythering tongues. Once we get them then all 16 nations will be together and your dream, our dream of peace will be here. At last no more war.”

“Yes! No more war. That is what we strive for, and you have to promise me that no matter what you will hold this close to your heart.

The grand dragon looked puzzled at his friend who just sat there and smiled. “What are you hiding my friend?” The grand dragon asked.

“Well you know karma sometimes send me visions.”

“And?”

“Well I saw my future for today at the peace conference.”

“Okay so what happens?”

“Well the spawniks show up.”

The grand dragon got excited. “And they sign the peace treated?!”

“Well not exactly.”

“Not exactly? Well what happens?”

“A spawnik assonates me.”

“What?!!” The grand dragon roared. “No, I won’t allow it to happen. I will go and burn down the spawniks village, I will tear their heads off and mount them onto the walls in dragons cavern, and I will annihilate all of them who pose a threat to your wellbeing. I will-”

“No, grand dragon will not interfere with karma’s work or Sheva nor Anarite will be born.”

“Sheva? Anartie? Who are they?”

“Products of my death. I also got to see that once I die I will be reborn as something called a human.”

“Human? What the hell is a human? Do we even have them here? If so that is another nation we need a peace treated drawn up for.”

“No, no, no. Humans are not of this world, but of another.”

“So karma wants you to die and go to a different world? Why?”

“I think karma seen the great things I did here and want me to lead the humans the way I did the dragonets and dragons. I really feel like this is a great opportunity to teach other creatures of our culture.”

“But you have to die to do this?”

“Yes, my friend…..the hardest thing to do is to accept something you feel you can change but in the end you cant. If you interfere at the peace ceremony you may prevent me from dying today but what about tonight? Tomorrow? Next week? My friend I have to die. Not just for you but the sake of balance in the universe. Let me go grand dragon.”

A tear fell from grand dragon eye before he nodded. “I understand friend, good-bye.” He flew off and as Gautama said, he was assonated at the peace conference by one of the spawniks. Dragoners and dragons all morn over his death and the war got worse as the dragons and Dragoners and all the other nations began to get pushed back by spawniks who teamed up the second most powerful nation out there. The house of slything tongues.

All seemed lost until about 5 years after Gautama death. Three of the most powerful Dragoners where born. They were more powerful than Gautama himself, and three powerful dragons where born that even rivaled the grand dragons strength.

A couple of decades later…………………………………………………………………

(Dragons shooting fire at the spawniks as Dragoners used there teeth and claws to attack the spawniks. However spawniks where able to overpower them.)

“Look we have you all beaten. Surrender now and we promise a swift death.” Attor spoke.

“Never!” “Long live the light of enlightenment.” “Yeah we will fight for peace until we die, for Master Gautama!” Dragons and Dragoners yelled.

“uhg! Fine have it your way. Spawniks us the slow poison I want them to beg us to end their life force.”

The Spawniks took aim as the dragons and Dragoners brace themselves for the assault that’s when one mighty flap came across the sky.

“Now destroy all that is against us, Raifuendā.” A blade fell gracefully from the sky. It transformed. I was black and silver with a white ball on the cutting side one or two inches away from the top. It crashed into the ground.

“What the?” Attor inquzzically asked.

That’s when a big black shadow covered the ground and the voice from above bellowed. “Devine destruction.”

That’s when a bright flash covered the place. “It’s- its lord Jugo!” One dragon praised as the light grew and shine bright.

Once the light disappeared I giant creator was left in its wake. With the sword in the middle of the creator, all dragons and dragoners where fine but most of the Spawnik’s army were destroyed by the attack. Attor looked in fear as he yelled, “Retreat!”

He and the reaming Spawnik’s army ran as they flee for their life. He looked back as he could hear a member of his army get killed every few seconds. He looked back to only two members left until he heard there scream in death as there blood his back.

“Damn it no! I will not die here!” He announced as he turned and shot a couple of poison shots. He finally reached open space. “Only a little ways to go until I am in safe territory.” He reinsured himself as he began towards his destination.

As he moved towards his goal a female dragoner landed in front of him. She looked up at him as she stood up. He stopped for a second before smiling.

“Either you have a death wish or you have no idea who or what you’re fucking with. Attor grinned.

The female dragoner did not answer as she pulled out her sheath that held her weapon. Attor eyes landed on it and his smiled faded. “So you are a dragon rider. Well now this is better than what I expected. It’s said that a dragon rider is the evolved version of a dragoner. That a dragon rider indeed has the ability of a dragoner but also has the ability to use its dragon’s power. Your sword is carved out of a tooth that your dragon master gives you which can transform. The second state of your weapon is a direct replica of what your dragon is. With this you can combine it with your dragoner power and overpower your enemy. That is why you all are consider the most powerful creatures of this world. So powerful that indeed there is only a handful of you; exactly ten. So which are you darling? From the looks of it you are probably 8 or 9. This means you are barely a dragon rider but still if I can take you down that’s one less dragon rider.”

Attor moved one of his eight legs forward as he prepared to attack.

“Die!” He yelled as he went to attack. The female Dragoner unsheathed her blade. She met him and swung her blade. He dodged her attack and swung his fist. She dodged his blow as she swung her blade once more but Attor dodged it again as he jumped back.

He shot a couple of poison shots at the female Dragoner. She dodged his shots and made her way to him as she jumped up in the air and swung down; but Attor caught her and slammed her down to the ground hard. She tried to get up but Attor kicked her so hard she relinquished her blade. She still hung onto her sheath though.

She battle to her feet with all she had to stand up. Her yellow eyes rested on Attor as he grinned an evil grin.

“It’s over!” He said as he shot another poison shot. The Dragoner dodged the attack but still got hit in her arm. She winced in pain but rolled as she drew a short knife like weapon from behind her and threw it at Attor. He dodged the knife.

“Whoot? That was a dirty little-” Before he could finish the Dragoner was in the air in front of Attor. She took her sheath and smacked Attor in the face.

“Ack!” He said in pain as he stumbled forward. He fell as the Dragoner rolled on the ground to her sword.

She turned her sheath and her blade around so that the closed end of the sheath and the handle of the blade touch. “No grant me the wisdom: Kashikoi 1.” A wild wind appeared as the blade and sheath started to change colors. First a dark bronze color, then a bright silver then final beauty color of gold. Once the wind stopped there the female dragoner was standing there. She had on what look like a black dress with exactly three slits that came up to a high point on her thigh. Her cleavage was seeable and her sword was gone. In her hand now was a staff. The staff was about 5 feet tall and on the top was a half circle with a dragon in the middle. There were also three little daggers on the half circle. The daggers all pointed in opposite directions. One pointed north, the other pointed east, and finally one pointing west. Attor stood up and looked at the female dragoner.

“Well now look at you. Got all pretty for me, yes Attor likes.”

The female dragoner twirled her staff before slamming it into the ground. “Ground crusher!” She yelled as the ground shook with tremendous force. Attor had a panic look on his face but once the shaking stopped he looked at the female Dragoner with a puzzle look.

“Is that all?” Attor asked

“This is your grave.” The female dragoner answered back.

“Is that so? Well then I will go ahead and kill you now before I die.” Attor took aim and as he was about to fire the ground under him disappeared and he fell into the hole. The female dragoner walked over to the hole and peered in. Attor got to his feet and looked up at her.

“I told you this was your grave.” She restated.

“I am going to kill you once I get out of here. He shouted.

“You aren’t getting out of here.” The female dragoner answered back as she left the whole.

“I am not what? I guess she don’t know who I am. I am Attor the strongest spawnik in the spawnik’s king army. I was elected to be general, I was the one who killed Gautama, and I am a god. I will not die here.” Attor kept saying over and over again but he kept falling. He was getting highly upset and stopped to catch his breath when he could hear what sounded like metal scraping against a rock. He looked into the darkness when he seen to giant brown eyes resting on him.

“What the?” He asked. That’s he seen an arm stretch out of the darkness.

“She said this was you grave.” A voice said.

“No wait!” Attor beg.

“Grand rock bury.” The voice said as he closed his hand. Attor screamed as the whole began to enclose around him. The female dragoner sat and watched until the whole in the ground was gone. She huffed once as she took her hand and waived it over her staff. It became her sword which was sheath. She went ahead and put the blade on her back and began to walk away, when a huge dragoner landed in front of her.

“Jugo!” She exclaimed as she jumped into the fairly large dragoner’s arms.

“Shevia!” Jugo exclaim back as he hugged the female dragoner.

“Jugo, you said I could do it. Even though everyone thought me an Anrtie was weak and unsuitable for battle you said, we were.”

“Yes, I know Shevia, and I also meant it when I said that you two should be number one in the dragon rider’s rank, not me. I can see you and Anrtie both is probably stronger than me and Mecha black dragon.”

“Psshhh……..Well anybody can be stoner than you two……yawl aren’t really compatible.” The voice who buried Attor said.

Jugo watched as a large lizard like creature crawled out of the ground. It had a steel shell on its back and was all green.

The lizard like creature then opened its mouth and rolled out its tongue. Another Dragoner appeared before both Shevia and Jugo as he exited the shelled lizard mouth.

“Me and amour dragon is twice as strong as Anrite and Shevia, and as far as you and Mecha black…..well tell em Amour.”

“Tell em what? I am not fucking with Jugo and Mecha…..youse da fool not me. If you want to fight them then go ahead, I make sure to say something nice at your death ceremony.” Amour Dragon answered.

“Wait what? Amour, are you chickening out?”

“No. I am just being smart. Shoot one of us has to, and since you’re not too big on being a thinker than I guess I will be the brains of this partnership.”

“Did you just call me stupid?”

“Well I didn’t call you a genius.”

“That’s it fight me! Now!”

“C’mon, Jugo and Shevia already know I am smarter than you…….do you really want them to see that I am stronger than you to?”

“It sounds like you chicken…..I guess I am the first chicken rider ever, cause you sure as hell not no dragon.”

“Segundu, do not tempt me to kill you.”

“Ooo, you the chicken threating me, the most powerful Dragoner to walk.”

“Your brother is an idiot.” Amour dragon said to Jugo. Jugo just smiled and shook his head.

“That’s your partner.”

“Ugh! Don’t remind me.”

She was laughing as she walked over to Segundu. “Okay big brother we know you are the strongest.” She then kissed him on his cheek.

“Damn skippy I am the strongest and will fight anyone who dares to challenge my claim.”

A fierce roar came across the plain as a huge black dragon with blue eyes appeared. It had a crooked beak with shiny white teeth. Its belly was white with a blue stripe in the middle of it.

“I care to challenge your claim you pathetic life form.” The dragon laughed evilly.

Segundu swallowed hard as he took a step back.

“What’s a matter? I thought you wanted to fight.” The dragon said as he got closer to Segundu.

“That’s enough Mecha Black dragon.” Jugo voice sounded from behind.

The Mecha Black dragon turned his head and looked at Jugo.

“And who the hell do you think you are? Look the grand dragon, Anarite, and Armored dragon may respect you dragoners, but I still hate you all. The dragons were once a proud and powerful race and I hold that pride that my brethren had lost. So you command them but as for me either you fight and kill me or I fight and kill you Jugo. I have been waiting the day for me and you to fight but every time you chicken out.”

“That’s because you’re my partner, no you are more than that. You are my best friend.”

“Partner? Best friend? Ha! Don’t make me laugh. I hate you Jugo. The only reason why I fight beside you is because you were branded as my owner before I hatched.”

“I do not wish to own you Mecha black. I only wish to be an equal partner of yours fighting for peace.”

“Peace? See this is why I and you cannot get along. You boast about piece and yet you just executed a being with no hesitation.”

“He threatened the way of our piece.”

“Bullshit. He threaten the dream of the kind of piece that weakass dragoner Gautama used to preach about. You are a killer just like he was a killer. You two just killed for two different types of reasoning.”

Jugo did not speak as he just bawled up his fist. “Jugo, you don’t have to take this from Mecha black. He just mad, because he knows he is weak minded. Only someone pure of heart could understand the teaching of Master Gautama.” Segundu spoke.

The Mecha black dragon looked at Segundu eyes and seen he was ready to fight. “Then show me. You say I am weak minded, show me the power of one who is strong in the mind.” The Black Mecha dragon antagonized.

Segundu held his blade west of his body. “Now become hard as stone, Iwa no hōchō.” The ground began to shake as parts of it floated and then began to attach itself to Segundu blade. One the transformation was complete Segundu blade looked like a giant kitchen cleaver of stone. He was about to charge Mecha Black when. Armored dragon stepped in front of him. He cut his eyes back at Segundu and blew hot air out of his nostrils. Segundu did not move as the armored dragon turned his attention to Mecha Black dragon.

“I will not allow you to lay one talon, nor one fang on Segundu. Not as long as I am alive.”

“Well now…Armored dragon…” Mecha Black Dragon chuckled. “I never would have thought, and here I thought you were afraid of me.”

The Armored dragon laughed nervously before sighing. “Afraid? Oh you have it right my friend…I am terrified of your horrific strength and ruthless behavior. If I could have it my way I would stay as far away from you as I can, however my partner is an idiot and really don’t know when to fight and when to run, so at last we are finally at the bridge of no return and like an idiot my partner crossed it without reading the sign hammered in front of this bridge. What I am hoping for is that you can forgive him and allow us to leave without fighting.”

The Mecha Black dragon broke into a hysterical laugh. “Now what is the attentive?”

“We fight to the death.”

“Mhmm….I like the alternative.” The Mecha Black dragon answered.

Segundu stepped up beside the Armored dragon and nodded to him. He and the Armored dragon took their stance and prepared for battle.

“No, we are all allies. Please we mustn’t fight.” She thought as tears filled her eyes.

“This should wipe you two from our world.” The Mecha Black dragon said as he charged up his attack. “Pure white flames of internal burning!” The Mecha Black dragon roared as he shot off a high power fire attack.

It hit hard as dirt and smoke raised from the spot.

“No!” Shevia screamed.

A few seconds later the Mecha dragon huffed. “Damn that Jugo.”

The smoke cleared and standing front of Segundu and Armored dragon was Jugo. He deflected the Mecha black dragons attack.

Shevia smiled and breathe a sigh of relief. She went to meeting her two older brothers but when she took a step she felt a sharp pain her chest. Her eyes widen as she fell to the ground.

“Shevia!” Jugo yelled as he and Segundu ran over two her. The Mecha dragon angry now was charging up another attack when.

“Shevia!” A huge roar ripped throughout the sky. A long dragon with no wings came from the sky as he wrapped his whole body around Shevia, Segundu, and Jugo.

“Is she okay?” The long dragon asked.

“I do not know Anarite.” Jugo answered back as he held Shevia in his arms.

“She’s burning up.” Segundu answer as he began to fan his little sister. Anarite happen to see the black Mecha dragon out the corner of his eye.

“Did you???” Anarite growled.

“No, obviously this is to messy to be my work, although if you would have just waited just a few seconds I would have cleaned up the mess of whoever did this to her.” The Mecha Black dragon snorted.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
624 Reviews


Points: 3571
Reviews: 624

Donate
Sun Feb 12, 2017 2:03 pm
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Holiday30! Casanova here to do a review!

Since @Noisette 's review pretty much got the basics, the meat, and most everything, I'll be nitpicking what I HOPE they didn't get to- but their review is lengthy and I can't be bothered to read that masterpiece yet. So I'll be nitpicking, so let's get to the review!

Long ago, In a Realm where mythical creatures roam there was a powerful species known as dragons. The dragons ruled this realm and were deemed gods of this realm.


Here you have repetition of,"Realm." Three times in one sentence. I would suggest cutting it to something like," In a realm where mythical creatures roam, there was a powerful species known as dragons- whom ruled and were deemed gods of it." Or something to that extent. Anyway, forward.

The overall characters of this seems ill put together. I don't mean this in a harsh way- just that they seem to have been put together with little thought and too fast. I would suggest starting out making character templates for your characters- your main ones, anyway, and keeping to the personality you choose for them. What I mean by this is making sure that your characters actions, words, and thoughts match the personality that you've chosen to give them. Anyway, onward.

The plot is well, the plot is extremely fast in places, slow in others, and all over the place in others. I would suggest picking a pace. What I mean by this is limiting how much you describe, and apply that to everything major. I find that this might help you a bit.

Overall, I think this is an intriguing idea and I can't see what the other parts will show.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Mathew Casanova Aaron




User avatar
41 Reviews


Points: 2856
Reviews: 41

Donate
Sat Feb 04, 2017 2:56 am
View Likes
SteppeVesteffi wrote a review...



Hello,

This is an extremely difficult story to review, but I'm going to try—out of foolishness or cockiness or a need to never back down from a challenge, I'm not sure. But for whatever reason, I'm going to do my best here to give you an honest, thorough critique. Brace yourself.

This story... oh, how do I describe this story? Words fail me. I could say it's a mess, but that would be charitable; that would not properly convey the topsy-turvy word salad that you have here. I could say this piece needs work, but that would, again, be an understatement. This piece not only needs work, it needs a team of professionals to come in and salvage it—and maybe a priest, too. A priest couldn't hurt.

I'm sorry, I know my honesty is coming off a bit harsh. Let me give you some positives to soften the blow.

Buried beneath a storm of clumsy writing and disrespect for grammar, I think there could be a good story here. A weird one, sure, but an entertaining one. I love dragons. I like that you're putting your own spin on them. That's fun, and that could be interesting—emphasis on "could be." It's going to take work, I'm not going to lie to you, but if you like this story and these characters enough to stick with them, you could end up with a really intriguing finished product.

This is the sort of premise we usually see in novels, and I think it's cool you've decided to take such an ambitious idea and turn it into a short story rather than a full-length book. That being said, it does look poised to be a long one—I mean, this was pretty lengthy already, and this is only part one? Yikes. But short stories don't have a clearly-defined word/page limit, so if you want it to be on the longer side of things (which seems reasonable, since this is a very ambitious idea), then that's your choice.

Now back to the criticism...

The writing here—it's rough. It's nonsensical. It's charmless. I have pretty much no idea what happened in this part of the story, because all of it was presented in such a baffling way. Who are these creatures? You explain it (clumsily), but the explanation doesn't make much sense. I can't picture any of the characters, or the setting(s), and that's due, in large part, to a total lack of imagery. Details and descriptions can go a long way to enhancing your story, and I suggest you utilize them a bit more.

The pacing's wayyy too fast. So much is thrown at the reader in such a short span of time that they're left confused and unfocused. New characters are introduced abruptly, then killed off with just as little thought. You start using your characters' names before you've even introduced them, which is confusing as hell. The story operates in an almost fairy tale-esque universe full of blacks and whites and no grays, where everyone's either good or evil, full of peace and love or discord and hate. The characters are poorly-developed; each one feels like a watered-down version of some trope, or like they're there only because they have to be. All of this makes the story have a strong feeling of falsity. Yes, it's fantasy, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be grounded or have notes of realism. Without that, readers won't care about your characters or your universe; they won't bond with any part of it and the stakes won't feel real.

It seemed like you were maybe trying to make a commentary on the KKK/racism in light of the use of KKK terminology (e.g., "realms," "Grand Dragon"), but—at least in this part of the story—you never really managed to make a meaningful connection or point.

You switch tenses frequently and there's no discernible flow to the piece, nor rhyme and/or reason. Events happen randomly, suddenly, with little explanation. The dialogue comes off strange and strained, swinging from old-timey and stilted to full of swear words and slang. The grammar's atrocious. Technical mistakes appear throughout this piece as often as the word "dragon"; there's misspellings, improper or missing punctation, random capitalization, language that isn't particularly varied or clever... but all of that pales in comparison to the problems with the story itself. Grammatical mistakes suck, and make a piece lose some of its luster, but a great story with great characters can make up for an author's errors in other departments. In this case, though, your story/characters/actual writing is just as problematic as your grammar. There were many, many times throughout this piece when I wanted to stop reading, and that's a big issue.

I could go on and on, but for now, let's skip to some nitpicks and examples of the problems I'm referring to:

Long ago, In a Realm where mythical creatures roam there was a powerful species known as dragons. The dragons ruled this realm and were deemed gods of this realm. Their leader, the biggest and most powerful dragon name was the Grand dragon and no one of that realm seem to have power to stop him, well until that day, the day he met a new breed of beings in his realm. They were called Dragoners. Beings with Dragon like traits that can be taught how to use a Dragon’s power.

This is the first paragraph of your piece, and right away there's some random capitalization ("In a Realm"), repetition ("dragons," "realm"), and punctuation errors. But I'm not going to focus on any of that. Instead, I'm going to focus on the actual meat here.
This is, put simply, a terrible way to begin a story. Don't start with a bunch of background or exposition. The way to explain this is to work these details into the story subtly, and with thoughtfulness and nuance; when this stuff arises naturally within your piece, then you explain, bit by bit. Never unload a bunch of backstory like this in one big, ugly, unsubtle info dump—especially not in the first paragraph.

(Dragons furious roar) (Two beings patenting with tremendous fatigue)

This part is so weird and confusing. What's up with the random parentheses? And what are you even trying to say?

“How? You are smaller and weaker than me and yet we are the same? How?” The Grand dragon asked a Dragoner.

So all of a sudden, these two are facing off. Why? Where? I have so many questions. I can't picture what's happening here and I have no understanding of why it's happening in the first place, and that's a problem. Rather than telling readers all of that unnecessary background info, maybe you should've used that first paragraph to set the scene.

“I am more powerful because I have love in my heart.”

Kill me now.

“Love? That makes you weak. Love isn’t real power.”

I know this guy's supposed to be the villain here, but he is right, so...

The Grand dragon roared. He then went and tried to eat the dragoner but the dragoner grabbed two of the Grand dragon’s teeth. He slammed the dragon head down and stood on his nose.

Dragon's, with an apostrophe. Also, this is a big moment, a fight scene. It should be written in a way that's intense and conveys a certain amount of frantic energy and adrenaline. But the way you've written it is flat and dull—a reoccurring problem throughout this piece.

“How?” The grand dragon asked himself.

The T in "the" should be lowercase. If a word that follows dialogue is connected to that dialogue (e.g., "he said/she said/they asked"), then it should begin with a lowercase letter—always. Even if the dialogue ends in a period/question mark/exclamation point. You make this mistake several times.

He then roared fiercely as he made the Dragoner get off his nose. He bit, and clawed but his attempts fell as the dragoner just kept dodging his attack.

You say he made the Dragoner get off his nose, but then you say the Dragoner dodged his attacks, so... which is it? Also, the comma after "bit" is unnecessary, and I think you mean "failed" rather than "fell."

“What the…. Where, where did he go?”

Three dots following "the." Just three.
Also, change the comma following the first "where" to a dash. And lastly, you introduce this line of dialogue without any set-up, so the fact that he's wondering where the Dragoner went doesn't make a lot of sense because you haven't even showed readers that the Dragoner went anywhere in the first place.

“You-hoo, I am over here friend.”

Pretty sure it's "yoo-hoo."
Also, comma after "here."

The dragon turned and seen the dragoner on a bolder.

"Saw," not "seen." Also, I noticed throughout this piece an inconsistency with regards to your capitalization of "Dragoner" or the G in "Grand dragon." It's like you can't decide whether you want those words to begin with an uppercase letter or not, as we see here with the lowercase version of "dragoner." Make up your mind and then stick with it.

“So I got a proposition for you my friend.” The Dragoner said.

Comma after "you."

“Yes, you have a move known as the great noble flame right? Well how about you use that move against my, eight paths to enlightenment? And if I can stop and hold your flames, then you and your dragons you lead will become allies with me and my fellow dragoners.”

It's going to take too long to explain everything wrong here. Basically, this should read:
“Yes, you have a move known as the great noble flame, right? Well how about you use that move against my eight paths to enlightenment? And if I can stop and hold your flames, then you and the dragons you lead will become allies with my fellow dragoners and me.”
Also, this paragraph's a whole lotta nonsense.

“And if I win?”
“Then my fellow dragoners will lie down and allow you to take their lives as well.”
“Wait you speak for all of them as though they will be willing to take such ridicules bet.” The grand dragon lifted up and peered out to thousands of dragoners.

Comma after "wait"; it's spelled "ridiculous"; and when the hell did thousands of these Dragoners show up?? See, this is what happens when you never describe what's going on: you confuse your readers.

“Tell me, do you all agree to this dragoner’s term.

You forgot the closing quotation marks.

“Yeah! We believe in Gautama!” “Long live the enlightment!” “Fight against the darkness until we can see the light!”

Paragraph break after each line of dialogue.

Gautama moved his hands in a circular motion until you seen 8 arms and hands.

What?

The grand dragon with one might blow shot his great noble flame at Gautama.

I think you mean "mighty."
Also, "shot his great noble flame" sounds like a euphemism.

The Grand dragon looked down to the smokey spot.
Once the smokey spot cleared there stood Gautama and seven of his eight hands were hold a fireball. The grand dragon looked at one of Gautama hand and notice it was extended and not holding a fire ball.

Lots of repetition here, and a variety of grammatical errors. I'll leave you to sort it out.

He rubbed his face with his tale and said. “Eight.”

Tail. Also, the period after "said" should be a comma.

All his came together as each hand added a fireball until he only had two hand and one giant fire ball.

What?

“Today, we make history. The Dragons and the dragoners will work together, and become one unit. We shall stop all wars and achieve love, harmony and peace!”

Image


The Grand Dragon just closed his eyes. “I have always been feared. No one ever stepped to me and all knew who I was. I never followed but was followed. This will be new for me and I cannot promise I won’t disagree with somethings you say Gautama, but if there is such a being, worth for me to follow, well that being is you. And I will follow you until my heart stop beating…..” The grand dragon thought to himself as he gave off a roar of respect to his new partner Gautama.”

Again, soooo much wrong here. First, I don't buy that the Grand dragon dude (we'll call him GD) would all of a sudden just accept this and join the crowd. He should at the very least feel some mixed emotions; he's entitled to that, and it would be understandable/more realistic. His feelings and action should also be explored more thoroughly rather than given one cursory moment of reflection and nothing more. This goes back to what I was saying at the beginning, about the characters being poorly developed and the story lacking any semblance of realism.
There's also a variety of grammatical/technical errors here (including some random closing quotations at the end?). And you should italicize his thoughts rather than putting them in quotes, because the quotes make it seem like he's saying this aloud.

A few decades later………………………………………………………………………

THREE DOTS. JUST THREE. It's always gonna be three dots, no matter what.
Also, the way this is done—writing "three decades later," then a brief summary of what's happened in those three decades, then writing "earlier that day," then writing "a couple of decades later" after that—is weird, confusing, and all kinds of wrong.

The dragons and dragoners began to work together, as they fought a many wars, but after each war Gautama did pray and teach the other beings of the enlighten path, so that war could end and after a while war did begin to slow until the faithful day of Gautama’s death.

Run-on sentence. Confusingly written. Just... bad. Can I say that? Can I be real here for a second? This is just simply bad.

When then grand dragon landed he wrapped around the entire dragoners village three times.

What?

Gautama open one eye and chuckled as he got up.

Opened.

“Oh, I went to the montyes and spoke of peace love and harmony, and guess what… they accepted what I had to say. The montyes signed the peace treated. That is another nation. At this point only two nations remain. The Spawniks and the house of slythering tongues. Once we get them then all 16 nations will be together and your dream, our dream of peace will be here. At last no more war.”

Peace treaty. 16 should be written as "sixteen." Also, this whole bit feels like clunky exposition, and glaringly convenient.

“Yes! No more war. That is what we strive for, and you have to promise me that no matter what you will hold this close to your heart.

You're missing the closing quotations.

The grand dragon looked puzzled at his friend who just sat there and smiled. “What are you hiding my friend?” The grand dragon asked.

What? Why does he think he's hiding something? He has given no secretive vibes at all.

“Well you know karma sometimes send me visions.”

Karma... sends him visions. Okayyyy. Do faith, trust and pixie dust also sometimes help him fly?

“A spawnik assonates me.”

Assassinates.

“What?!!”

Using multiple exclamation points or question marks is not correct and really doesn't enhance the line in any way.

“I think karma seen the great things I did here and want me to lead the humans the way I did the dragonets and dragons."

You must really hate proper grammar.

“Yes, my friend…..the hardest thing to do is to accept something you feel you can change but in the end you cant.

THREE DOTS. AGAIN.
Also, that should be "can't," with an apostrophe. Apostrophes are your friend.

"Let me go grand dragon.”

Comma after "go." Also, this line... it's just so ridiculous. I mean, this whole piece is ridiculous, but if you take this line out of context, it becomes extra ridiculous.

A tear fell from grand dragon eye before he nodded. “I understand friend, good-bye.”

He accepted his friend's impending death wayyyy too easily. Maybe he secretly hates him.
Also, you forgot the apostrophe and S in "dragon's," there should be a comma following "understand" and the comma following "friend" should be a period, and "goodbye" is one word with no dash.

Dragoners and dragons all morn over his death and the war got worse as the dragons and Dragoners and all the other nations began to get pushed back by spawniks who teamed up the second most powerful nation out there. The house of slything tongues.

This is a run-on, and also confusing AF.
Additionally, it's spelled "mourn."

All seemed lost until about 5 years after Gautama death. Three of the most powerful Dragoners where born. They were more powerful than Gautama himself, and three powerful dragons where born that even rivaled the grand dragons strength.

Image


(Dragons shooting fire at the spawniks as Dragoners used there teeth and claws to attack the spawniks. However spawniks where able to overpower them.)

Oh great, more random parentheses and lines that don't make any sense. Yippee!

“Look we have you all beaten. Surrender now and we promise a swift death.” Attor spoke.

Comma after "look."

“Never!” “Long live the light of enlightenment.” “Yeah we will fight for peace until we die, for Master Gautama!”

Paragraph breaks between each of these.

“uhg! Fine have it your way. Spawniks us the slow poison I want them to beg us to end their life force.”

It's spelled "ugh," and the U should be capitalized here. Also, there should be a comma after "fine," and the sentence that follows "have it your way" makes no sense.

The Spawniks took aim as the dragons and Dragoners brace themselves for the assault that’s when one mighty flap came across the sky.

Run-on.

I was black and silver with a white ball on the cutting side one or two inches away from the top.

Huh?

“What the?” Attor inquzzically asked.

Should be, "What the...?" Or, if you'd prefer, "What the—?"
And it's "quizzically."

That’s when a big black shadow covered the ground and the voice from above bellowed. “Devine destruction.”

Comma after "bellowed."

That’s when a bright flash covered the place. “It’s- its lord Jugo!”

You just began the previous sentence with "that's when." Don't do that twice in a row—just don't.
Also, you forgot (or purposely left out, in order to make my life miserable) the apostrophe in the second "it's." And the L in "lord" should be capitalized.

Once the light disappeared I giant creator was left in its wake.

Gibberish.

He and the reaming Spawnik’s army ran as they flee for their life. He looked back as he could hear a member of his army get killed every few seconds. He looked back to only two members left until he heard there scream in death as there blood his back.

More gibberish.

He reinsured himself as he began towards his destination.

Dammit Attor, this is not the time to renew your insurance!

As he moved towards his goal a female dragoner landed in front of him. She looked up at him as she stood up.

Repetitive.

“Either you have a death wish or you have no idea who or what you’re fucking with. Attor grinned.

You forgot the closing quotes at the end of his dialogue. Also, I gotta say, as much as I love swear words, they feel really out of place in this story. Maybe because the way this is written feels so... fairy tale-ish and geared at young children? I dunno.

“So you are a dragon rider. Well now this is better than what I expected. It’s said that a dragon rider is the evolved version of a dragoner. That a dragon rider indeed has the ability of a dragoner but also has the ability to use its dragon’s power. Your sword is carved out of a tooth that your dragon master gives you which can transform. The second state of your weapon is a direct replica of what your dragon is. With this you can combine it with your dragoner power and overpower your enemy. That is why you all are consider the most powerful creatures of this world. So powerful that indeed there is only a handful of you; exactly ten. So which are you darling? From the looks of it you are probably 8 or 9. This means you are barely a dragon rider but still if I can take you down that’s one less dragon rider.”

OH MY GOD, why is he saying all of this?? Give me one good reason why anyone in this situation would take the time to monologue about something both of them already know. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. Obvious exposition is obvious.

Attor moved one of his eight legs forward as he prepared to attack.

Spiderman, Spiderman
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web any size
Catches thieves just like flies
Look out, here comes the Spiderman!


The female Dragoner unsheathed her blade. She met him and swung her blade. He dodged her attack and swung his fist. She dodged his blow as she swung her blade once more but Attor dodged it again as he jumped back.

This is the most uninspired, dull action sequence I've ever read. It may as well be describing the different varieties of flying insects. Also, so much repetition. So much.

She dodged his shots and made her way to him as she jumped up in the air and swung down; but Attor caught her and slammed her down to the ground hard. She tried to get up but Attor kicked her so hard she relinquished her blade. She still hung onto her sheath though.

The semicolon is incorrect. There's loads of repetition. Also, the "though" at the end feels odd.

She battle to her feet with all she had to stand up.

Image


“Whoot?"

???

She turned her sheath and her blade around so that the closed end of the sheath and the handle of the blade touch. “No grant me the wisdom: Kashikoi 1.”

I have no idea what this means.

A wild wind appeared as the blade and sheath started to change colors. First a dark bronze color, then a bright silver then final beauty color of gold.

"Final Beauty Color" sounds like the name of an arthouse horror film.

Once the wind stopped there the female dragoner was standing there.

???

Her cleavage was seeable and her sword was gone.

"Seeable"?

“Well now look at you. Got all pretty for me, yes Attor likes.”

Thank you for including this bit of dialogue. Really drives home the point that Attor is a douche. I would've been so lost without it.

Attor had a panic look on his face but once the shaking stopped he looked at the female Dragoner with a puzzle look.

Panicked. Puzzled. The letter D is your friend, not your enemy.

“Is that all?” Attor asked

I asked myself this same question many times while reading this story, only I phrased it more along the lines of, "Please, please, please let that be all."

“Well then I will go ahead and kill you now before I die.”

How courteous of him to let her know his intentions! When I'm about to kill someone, I'm totally gonna give them a heads-up. Seems like the right thing to do, you know?

Attor took aim and as he was about to fire the ground under him disappeared and he fell into the hole.

Convenient.
Also, comma after "fire."

“I am going to kill you once I get out of here. He shouted.

You forgot the closing quotations. Then again, there's so much wrong with this piece, does it even matter?

“You aren’t getting out of here.” The female dragoner answered back as she left the whole.

Hole = a hole.
Whole = the entirety of something.

“I am not what? I guess she don’t know who I am."

One thing she does know is that you suck at grammar.

"I am Attor the strongest spawnik in the spawnik’s king army. I was elected to be general, I was the one who killed Gautama, and I am a god.”

Wheee! More obvious, confusingly-written exposition/background info! Is it my birthday already?

He was getting highly upset

"Highly upset"?

He looked into the darkness when he seen to giant brown eyes resting on him.

This is wrong.

That’s he seen an arm stretch out of the darkness.

Sense is not being made.

“She said this was you grave.”

Your.

“No wait!” Attor beg.

Begged.

“Grand rock bury.”

Huh?

she took her hand and waived it over her staff.

Waved.

Even though everyone thought me an Anrtie was weak and unsuitable for battle you said, we were.”

This part makes no sense.

“I can see you and Anrtie both is probably stronger than me and Mecha black dragon.”

So much wrong here, but the part I'm going to focus on, for simplicity's sake, is the "Mecha black dragon" line. I notice you include "dragon" in a lot of your characters' names. No one in this story can just be called "Bob," they have to be called "Bob dragon." Why? It sounds so weird and clunky.

“Psshhh……..Well anybody can be stoner than you two……yawl aren’t really compatible.”

Image


“Me and amour dragon is twice as strong as Anrite and Shevia, and as far as you and Mecha black…..well tell em Amour.”

???

“That’s it fight me! Now!”

You need some punctuation after "it."

do you really want them to see that I am stronger than you to?”

Too. I would strongly advise Googling the difference between "to" and "too."

“Ooo, you the chicken threating me, the most powerful Dragoner to walk.”

Threatening.

What’s a matter?

The matter.

You boast about piece...
“He threatened the way of our piece.”

Peace.

He threaten the dream

Threatened.

I'm gonna stop here. Not because I've run out of nitpicks—believe me, there's more, lots and lots more—but rather because I've run out of energy. You can only point out the same inane mistakes so many times before losing it. In this case, I've hit a wall. Hopefully someone else—a better person than me—will come along and explain to you the remainder of issues.

So, to conclude, this is an extremely flawed piece of writing. You make every mistake in the book, and then you start making mistakes that aren't even the book, just to be contrary. It's frustrating and miserable to read, and impossible to make sense of.

Hope isn't lost, though. You can improve your writing and this piece if you stick with it. I would suggest you read up on everything writing-relating—from how to structure a story and how to properly pace your story, to how to write in a way that's compelling and not flat/dull, as well as how to make your characters feel real and complex, to the rules of grammar and spelling and all that jazz (a dictionary would help, too). You can fix this story, and your writing can improve—but it's going to take work, dedication, and an effort to learn the rules and abide by at least some of them.

Basically, keep writing and keep the faith. :)




Aleta says...


I love your review and the gifs. Lol





Thanks so much! I appreciate it :D



Holiday30 says...


Well besides the the fact that I may have written in a weird way and the fact you utterly destroyed my work I will take what you say and will shape this story up better. But FYI, you could have been honest and not been that harshed. I know my writtings a bit bad becuase I think faster than I type, but come on. This story isnt that hard to grasp. I used made up words and scientific words, and so much more to create world different from what we know. But everyone is entitled to there opinion, so I respect yours. Thank you very much for taking the time to try and read my story.





No problem!

And yes, for me personally, it actually was that hard to grasp. I had extreme difficulties making sense of it; I wasn't being hyperbolic.

That said, I'm very sorry if your feelings were hurt and I'd be happy to clarify any questions you have about this review. ^_^



Holiday30 says...


Thank you, but I kind of understood what you was talking about. I had a lot of misspelled words throughout this story. But I think the concept was hard for you to grasp because of the context of the story. but I promise it should be better understood if you read the other 3 parts.




All we can do is our best, and hope that it was enough.
— CandyWizard