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18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Realm of Olympia 3/3

by Holiday30


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

This is only a rough draft so please keep grammatical comments to a minimum please. I just truly would like for you to comment solely on what you think of the story concept in it of it self thank you. 

“This is it for you.” Shevia said. “Gale palm assault.”

“I can’t breathe.” The pale woman said as she grabbed her chest. She then fell into the water. Shevia waited for a few minutes before walking away. She stopped. As she could here Jugo voice fussing at her about leaving those two to die in the bottom of the sea.

“Okay Jugo, Karma will get me if I don’t do what’s right.” She then closed her eyes. Okay it’s faint but I can still since that one eye guy energy… and as far as that pale color woman…yeah she still alive as well. I have to pull both of them up out the water.

She began to make the water rise with their body when…

Out of the water a wolf like creature popped out and bit at Shevia’s ankle, luckily she was able to dodge the attack.

“Damn it! I forgot all about the wolf creatures that was with her.” Shevia cocked her hand back. “Gale force Palm!” Shevia said as she release a high powered air assault from her hand. The wolf body instantaneously burst under the pressure, and there was no trace of him anywhere.

Shevia slid across the water as her back hit the cliff side wall. “I know there is another one around here. But where is he?”

That’s when she felt a sharp pain in her arm. Shevia screamed out in pain as he turned her head. She turned and seen that her arm was bloody and in a mouth of a wolf. She saw that the wolf body was somehow connected to the cliff side wall.

“How? Does he have some power over earth?” Shevia cocked her hand back to prepare to use gale palm when she felt fangs sink into her other arm. Shevia screamed in pain once more as she watched her blood hit the water. She managed to fight the pain and turn to see that there was another wolf, with partial of its body hanging out of the cliff side wall; just as the other wolf.

“W-Was there three wolves?” She thought.

“Wow you are really strong.” A voice said from the ocean.

Shevia looked over to the spot to where the voice came from. The ocean made a little vortex as The Pale skinned woman rise from the vortex. She was smiling as she walked over to Shevia.

“You not only mange to beat Demi-gods, but you managed to beat top class demi-gods. If you didn’t forget about sorrow, or sadness, I would have never been able to get the upper hand. Still you are danger to me and my father’s plans….so I think it will be better to have you as a live ally then a dead threat. What do you think?”

Shevia did not answer as she just yanked back and forth trying to free herself from the jaws of the wolf like creatures shat held her at bay.

“You are truly remarkable. The slobber of sorrow and sadness is imbedded into your skin, which should have by now made you tremendous depression. So much you shouldn’t be able to do anything but cry, and at best want to kill yourself. But somehow you still have the will to fight. You are remarkable beyond extraordinary measures. I am really interested in you now. Tell me are there others like you. So readily to fight with a spirit of a god?” The pale woman began to feel allover Shevia’s body. She grabbed her breast, kissed her navel, while working her way down. She rubbed in-between Shevia’s legs as Shevia blushed involuntary. The pale woman then worked her way back up and licked the neck of Shevia.

She smacked her lips a couple of times. “You taste like that black dragon that was hear a while ago.”

Shevia eyes lit up. “Mecha black dragon was here. So that means the shadow reader wasn’t lying.”

“Where is he?” Shevia growled.

The pale woman did not answer. That’s when Shevia energy level shot up to a ridiculous level as the two wolves like creatures, Sorrow and Sadness, could no longer hang on. Their bodies evaporated into gas like particles as Shevia power level made them submit.

“Oh shit, you are really strong.” The pale woman said as she gazed at Shevia.

Shevia without warning took off at top speed as she hit the Pale woman in her chest and sent her reeling back.

The pale woman was sitting on top of the water gasping for air as she started to throw up blood. She watched as Shevia walked over to her.

“Now I will only ask you one more time. Where is the Mecha black dragon?’

The Pale color woman just smiled. “Yes, she is marvelous. I haven’t felt this way since Malius was here. Oh my god this sensational feeling. I have to have her. Just like I have to have him.” The pale woman power than rose to unexpected heights.

Shevia backed up for a moment.

“Oh dear, don’t lose your edge cause I am showing you all my power. No, please keep that cocky ass attitude. It makes me want you more. Now show me more!” The pale woman laughed as she stood up. She rushed Shevia and attacked her at high speed. Shevia could only block and dodge as the pale woman continuously attack her. Shevia got cut up pretty bad.

“Come on dear fight back please!” The pale woman said as she took her hand and ran it through Shevia’s lower stomach. Shevia coughed up blood as she quickly jumped back. She held the wound that was there on her stomach. Her arms where destroyed, she had cuts all over her body, and she was all out of energy, but somehow she was still standing. (Not to mention the whole that is in her lower stomach.)

The Pale woman just laughed manically as she licked her palm filled with Shevia’s blood. “You taste so delicious!”

Shevia just grunted. “I shouldn’t without Anartie…” She thought. “I will die if I do…but if I don’t I die, so death is the only outcome for me. I am sorry Anartie, Sugundu, Armored dragon….Jugo. I wish I could have finished you mission. I have failed you older brother, please forgive me” Lighting started to sporadicity shot everywhere.

“What the hell? You can summoned lighting to. You are the most wonderful being I have ever met. Yes you are now number 1...I sorry Malius but this woman is better than you. Not by that much but still…”

“Come Felis silvestris.” That’s when the lighting roared feircly and behind Shevia was a face of a mighty beast appeared.

“Oh my. This fear, I haven’t been this scared this much since Malius almost killed me. This feeling, I am having multiple orgasms. Yes, I can feel it. You are pouring all your life force into this attack. Well thin I should do the same. Let us do one final dance.” The Pale woman said as her body started to take on the shape of a wolf. The two Charged at each other and right before they connected…

BAM!

The two looked in shocked as a man with orange hair and freckles flutter in between them. The pale wolf like lady bit his arm as blood shot out of it.

“Hercules!” She thought. That’s when the Orange hair being slung the pale wolf like creature across the water into the cliff side. Shevia was amazed that he blocked her attack with his sword. Hercules then gave Shevia a swift kick as she soared threw the air.

“Bang!” He body sang as it smacked the cliff side. You heard so many of her bones break from the pressure of collision with her body and the cliff side.

“Damn.” She thought. “I am sorry lord karma, I was too weak to carry out your will. Shevia eyes close as she coughed up more blood. That’s when she heard a whistle. Her body began to fall, but felt it hover for a moment.

“Why…why hasn’t my body hit the water yet?” Was her final thoughts before she finally passed out.

Shevia found herself once more floating in the darkness. She instantly knew that she was in her subconscious again.

“I wonder if that little blonde hair boy is here this time.”

“Who, Bain? Nah, he’s not here this time.”

Shevia looked around in confusion looking for the where the voice had come from. A soft laughter of innocents broke out. “I’m down here silly.” The voice laughed.

Shevia looked down and seen a little girl there under a light. She floated down to her.

“You know who I was looking for?” Shevia asked.

“Well of course. He is my little brother.” The little girl smiled. She then stuck her hand out. Shevia grabbed it and they shook hands.

“My name is Isabella. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too…. My name is Shevia. “

“Great, well Ms. Shevia I have something to show you.”

Isabella, said as she walked Shevia over to a spot and pointed. Shevia eyes lit up.

“J-Jugo! He’s alive? But how? Do you know I Isabella?”

“Nope, no clue… I am just here to show you the future. To be quite frank I didn’t even know this guy name until right then. Thanks for clearing that up for me, because I was confused for the longest time on who was. The reason why is because he looks like a Jacob to me.” Isabella said as she rubbed her chin.

Shevia eyes grew wide.

“W-What is that?!” Shevia asked in horror. It was a five head creature looking thing that was extremely huge.

“Well it has many names. The realm you are looking at is my realm. This is earth and in my realm as well as this one we called this demonized creature Hydra. But you might know it better as, 5-Tō no hebi ryū…”

Shevia covered her mouth. “How do you know that forbidden creature’s name?

Right when Isabella was about to tell her Shevia awoke to being in a bed. She felt her arms bound behind her as she struggled to sit up.

“Where am I?” She thought. Her body was very groggy, and her vision was a blur as she fought her way to a window. She looked out and seen clouds swirling about underneath the building she was in.

“But how am I higher than the clouds?” She thought.

“Oh you are awake. Good, now I can ask you some questions.”

Shevia turned to a man who was about 6’3, 6’4. He was very muscular and he had brownish straight hair. He had a flawless smile and seemed genuinely nice.

“Oh my bad.” The Muscular man said as he moved a chair over to Shevia. He jester for her to sit. “I never even introduce myself and my mother defiantly taught me better manners than that. My name is Hercules. I am the oldest of two, and is the prince of mount Olympian. Are you comfortable?”

“Not really. My arms are really tied tight.” Shevia complained.

“I’m sorry, I just assume since you took on three demi gods, by yourself, you were very strong, so I tied you with the god string twice.” Hercules smiled with his eye closed.

As he open his eyes back up his smile began to fade. As the room grew quiet and he was trying to feel out Shevia personality.

“Well she doesn’t seem to have a murderous intent. Hell I don’t even think she’s dangerous but still I need to be careful.” Hercules thought.

“Ahem.” He said as he cleared his throat. “So I cannot sense any danger from you-”

“That’s because I’m not dangerous.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Well from the reports I was hearing, and from what I saw after I capture you says something different. Your power defiantly left a mark on our home. And on top of that you attack 2 of my allies.”

“Attack? No, you are mistaken I never attacked anyone. I was just trying to protect myself.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes, All I care about is finding my companion who came here with me.”

Hercules walked over to the mirror. “Hey.” He said into the mirror.

“Yes Sir Mr. Hercules.” A voice sang back out the mirror.

“I need a MP output now, for one being that does not belong in our world.”

Shevia eyes lit up.

“Yes sir.” The voice said back.

Hercules turned to a corned looking Shevia. He took a deep breath. “Don’t worry. My troops are the best. They will be able to find your friend…….

“Unless he is on one of the fisherman Islands. That would prove to be very hazordist to everyone. Without a doubt now, if that being is there, it won’t make it long, if Lord Poseidon finds him. They might have the strength to fight demi gods but actual gods are a different fight all together. Damn I need to put an elite team together fast. But they can’t be too strong to raise red flags, but not too weak where they won’t be able to fend themselves against the Cyclopes that inhabit the Islands. Damn, why didn’t I think of that first!” Hercules though as he began to pull out his hair. That’s when Shevia fell out the chair.

Hercules turned in excitement as he looked at Shevia.

“What’s wrong?” He asked as he picked Shevia up. She was breathing rapidly, and her eyes was barely open.

“Damn, my body is finally feeling the toll of using, Felis silvestris. I knew that I should have done it without Anartie but…. She then passed out. Her Body began to burn up and her heart beat kept getting more rapid.

“She will die unless I do something. But what?! What can I do…?” Hercules eyes lit up as the answer came to him.

“The water down stairs in the volt. He thought. He then laid Shevia down. “She has a pure heart so she should be able to have a chance to do good. So I will give her a drink of water from the lake of the gods

To be continued……..


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Thu Sep 21, 2017 12:31 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

I saw your reply to the other review, so I'll answer your questions before commenting on other aspects of the story.

do you really think I made Shevia too powerful?


Shevia is quite powerful, but the wolves were still able to attack her in the first scene, she was injured, and she passed out in the end. Yes, she was able to keep fighting for a long time, but she also passed out twice afterwards. So although she's very powerful, I don't think you made her too powerful. You balanced her power nicely with the ability of the other characters to cause her harm.

Overall, I think one of your biggest issues right now is pacing. There's a lot going on in this chapter, and it all happens so quickly there's barely time to take it all in. Shevia fights the pale woman, passes out, has a dream (I think it was a dream?), wakes up to find herself tied to a bed, and then has a conversation with Hercules about trying to find her companion. It all went by so fast. And because it went by so fast - without much focus on descriptive details or Shevia's feelings - it's hard for me to care about what Shevia is going through.

For example, the part where the pale woman kind of started touching her in a sexual way. You say Shevia "blushed involuntarily," which hints at maybe embarrassment, but how does she really feel about this? A stranger, who she has just been fighting or trying to kill, is feeling her up all of a sudden. Does she feel scared? Violated? Does she wonder why the heck this woman is suddenly touching her this way (which is what I wondered)?

Or when she meets Hercules. First he's got her tied up because he believes she attacked his allies. When she tells him she was only acting in self-defense, he immediately believes her and decides to help her. But if he trusts her so easily, why would he punch her and tie her up in the first place? Is she surprised by his willingness to trust her? Is she angry that he attacked her and tied her up?

I'm just not getting enough of Shevia's emotions, and I think it's because you glossed over the descriptions to focus on action - like fighting - and dialogue that explains everything we need to know, a little too neatly. Don't be afraid to tone it down! You might think that slowing things down will make it boring, but right now it's all so fast that it leaves readers feeling a little breathless.

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Holiday30 says...


Thank you for the insight, will defiantly try to remember this when rewriting the story.



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Wed Sep 20, 2017 5:01 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Hey there. :D This will be a shorter review since I'm going to try and only focus on the story, as requested. Hopefully it'll be helpful.

Luckily she was able to dodge the attack.
I highlighted this phrase because I don't think there should be any luck involved in this. Yes, at some points it might be a way to quickly skim through unimportant scenes, but a wolf attack is not something to skip. It doesn't make sense that one wolf would be so easy to defeat, and the others would almost take her life. There needs to be some more difficulty in this first attack, or, get rid of it altogether. The only use of that first attack that I can identify is to show that the wolves are present. Instead, could you just make her notice the bubbles, realise their presence somehow, and launch right into the main attack? It's up to you, but try and remove the 'luck' from important scenes.

The ocean made a little vortex as The Pale skinned woman rise from the vortex.
I pointed out a weak point, so I'd like to draw attention to a strong point. The 'Pale-Skinned Woman' is definitely a strong point. Her character is constantly refined as an alluring, sexual goddess with an Aphrodite vibe but also deadly like Circe. In fact, she reminds me of all those 'femme fatales' from Classical mythology. Her character is clear and well written and she serves a good purpose in the plot.

“Damn, my body is finally feeling the toll of using, Felis silvestris. I knew that I should have done it without Anartie but…. She then passed out. Her Body began to burn up and her heart beat kept getting more rapid.
Hmm, this is a tricky one. Throughout this part of the story, I found myself wondering why she wasn't feeling pain. How could her arms be practically torn off and her whole body get flung against a cliff.... and Shevia not feel any pain, or at least not show it? I made a note to suggest that you show her pain more. But then I read the highlighted line at the end of this part and now I know that there's a reason. Perhaps just refer to that reason throughout. Or let her feel some pain, just diluted so Shevia's more vulnerable.

There you go! Three things completely unrelated to grammar. :D I hope this was a useful review.




Holiday30 says...


Thank you so much, this was beyond helpful for when I go back a rewrite this. But I do want to ask you, do you really think I made Shevia too powerful? What about the ending now that she has collapses? Do you think that is not enough to show her body has been threw a toll. Its true she continued to fight after receiving all those injuries but she is train to do as such for she is a high class warrior in her world. please help me out some more for this is the type of feed back I truly like.




Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.
— Neil Gaiman