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18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Realm Of Olympia 2/3

by Holiday30


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

“You let her go damn it.” Anartie snarled as his nose flustered up.

“Where have you met this creature?” The shadow reader asked.

“I have never met him.”

“Lies!” The shadow Reader proclaim as he moved his hand across open air. An energy sword appeared as he grabbed it.

“If you do let her go!” Segundu yelled as him, armored dragon and Anartie charged over to the shadow reader and Shevia.

“Stop! If any of you come so much as another 5 to 10 feet of me and Shevia I will kill all of you without so much as breaking a sweat. Try me and get fucked I dare you to.” The Shadow Reader spout with such rage. Segundu, armored dragon, and Anartie all stopped in their tracks.

“Now Shevia, you tell me darling, where did you hear that name?” The Shadow Reader then pressed the blade up to Shevia neck.

“I am telling the truth. I never heard or met this Mamoru Takahashi. I really don’t know him.”

A wind from the north blew strongly as the Shadow Reader looked Shevia into her eyes.

“Okay Karma, so this is your true angle huh? You think that this is enough to trip up my master. You underestimate your uncle and therefore you and the rest of your siblings will lose to the darkness. But don’t worry, my master relishes in any challenge and for that I will play your game.”

The Shadow reader then slapped both of his hands together and separated them slowly. In the middle you saw a small twinkle purple object that looked like a diamond. He pushed it into a tube like container and sealed it.

“Here Shevia.” He said as he threw her the tube.

“What’s this?” Shevia asked.

“It’s a jumper. It will get you from here to the Olympians’ realm. There you will have to hook the tube up to the space jumper they have to get to the realm of the humans. From there you are on your own.” The Shadow Reader explained.

“Wait what??? So you want us to just use this to go to other realms, which we don’t even know exist? How do we know if this isn’t a trap?’ Segundu fussed.

“One, you don’t know if it’s a trap. That’s just the great thing about the mystery bitch ya’ll worship. She leaves you in awe and suspense instead of tell you all weather or not something is good or bad. Secondly, these realms defiantly exist. I have been to both. Thirdly, it’s not ya’ll I want to jump to other realms, just Shevia and Anartie.” Shadow Reader replied.

“Just Shevia and Anartie. Are you crazy? You got to be if you think I woul-”

“It’s Mamoru Takahashi.” Shadow reader cut off Segundu.

“What?” Segundu asked confusingly.

Look, Mamoru Takahashi is also known as the dark angle with two blades. I met him once and he said that it was prophesy by a Buddhist monk long ago, that he a woman on a fierce dragon would come to the earth realm where they would have a son who would change the ties of the shadow war that is to come. Strange right, well it gets stranger as the Buddhist monk who prophesied this died 200 years before this guy was born. To make things worse is that he too believed in this karma god you do in this realm.” The Shadow reader explained.

“Wait there is a dragoner in this earth realm already?” Armored dragon asked.

“No, it’s not. The Buddhist monk I spoke to was defiantly human, I know this for a fact but his eyes, gave me that un-shakey filling. And now that I think of it I know why. Once you peel the scales off of Gautama he looked just like him. I asked him of his name and well…..”

“Well???!!!” Segundu asked impatiently.

“His name was Buddha.” Shadow reader laughed. “But on a serious note.” He cleared his throat. He threw Shevia a glass tube holding dark energy. “This will allow you to dimension jumped once. Hopefully, you will land in the realm of the Olympian. If and when you get there you will have only a little dark magic left which means that you will need to find the Olympians gate opener. Now the gate opener is what allows the gods to move all over their world quickly, and no it won’t dimension jump you; however if you was to feed there machine the rest of the dark magic, then just maybe you will be able to jump to the earth realm. And from there you will have to find your husband to be.” The Shadow reader began to walk away.

“Wait!” Segundu yelled.

The shadow reader turned and looked at him.

“How do we know it’s not a trap?” Segundu asked.

“How do you know that it is a trap?” The shadow reader retaliated back.

“Okay, then I got a better question.” Shevia interrupted.

“Yes Ms. Shevia?”

“Why are you helping us? I mean by helping us wouldn’t that put your master the shadow lord a step behind?”

“Ha. Hahahahahaha. That is quiet an inside view you got Shevia, and if my master the Shadow lord was just a normal being I would ask that very question… but he is not. My master has power beyond your belief, and believe it or not I am originally from the future. My master the one that I serve in the future tense won the war against all realms so easily. I mean I thought wars where supposed to go on for long periods of time but this one sadly ended in a matter of moments. So sad that the war ended the way it did that he sent me all the way back to past to serve under him younger self as I shake things up here.”

“So wait, you are telling me your master sent you back here just to give us a chance at winning the war?” Shevia asked.

“Chance?” The Shadow reader laughed as he kept walking. He disappeared behind the tree and Shevia and Segundu just sat there puzzled and confused. It got late in the day and not Shevia, the armored dragon, Anartie, or Segundu opened there mouth.

“Se-”

“No.” Segundu said as he cut his little sister off.

“But Segundu I must.”

“No you must not. Why you and Anartie? Why not me and armored dragon? We are older stronger…”

“I know but brother I feel that karma is trying to give me a chance to correct the wrong that we missed in the future. “

“Really? How do you figure?”

“Because the note-”

“The note could be a lie. Remember what mother said? Never trust the shadow reader.”

“But what if it’s not a trick Segundu? What if our brother really wrote that note, that letter to us and he wants us to stop the Mecha Black. What if that is the key to beating the Shadow lord?”

“What ifs? You are basing this off of what ifs? You are still a child clearly.”

“I’m still a child? Why, because I chose to hope? Because I chose to believe our brother wasn’t a bad guy.”

“Facts. That is what Jugo taught us. Always look at the facts. So let’s look at the facts. Fact, Jugo left and was never heard from again. Fact, Jugo struck down Kauji, and that was his best friend. Fact, even if this note is real, Jugo did a serious taboo. He gave this note to the enemy instead of giving it to us. Those are the facts Shevia.

Shevia grew quiet for a moment.

“I know that its hard Segundu, but you just have to hope and believe and-”

“And what Shevia? Everything will be alright? Look Shevia I already trusted hope and belief and they tore a family member right out of the picture.” Segundu fussed.

Shevia grew quiet as she looked at the distorted look that was a pond her brother face. Segundu took a deep breathe.

“Shevia I won’t stop, because I seen that you have made up your mind, but if you do choose to go ahead and walk this path of the unknown, then you walk it alone, for I won’t walk it with you.” Segundu then turned his back to Shevia and began to walk away.

“Segundu wait.” Shevia cried out but Segundu just kept walking.

“Segundu!” Shevia wailed in an eerie tone. Segundu stopped just for a moment and looked back at his sister. Tears was rolling down her face as she stretch her hand out to him. Segundu however, just took another deep breathe before turning to the Armored Dragon.

“We are out.” He snapped.

“Yes my king.” The Armored Dragon replied. Segundu then continue his path.

“I am sorry my queen.” The Armored Dragon apologize. He then looked at Anartie. “You be sure to take care of her.”

“You can bet my life on it.” Anartie replied back. The Armored Dragon the left up the path of which Segundu took.

Shevia wept for hours on the belly of Anartie. She wept until she could not cry no more.

Daybreak was upon Shevia and Anartie as the Saisho no hikari began to rise.

Shevia sat up and watched it rise.

“Anartie, do you believe that Jugo was evil?”

Anartie looked at Shevia for a moment. “Well I have only known Jugo for 5 years, so I do not really know him, but I can tell you what I do know. I do know, he loved his race. I do know that even though the Mecha black Dragon hated him so, he loved the Mecha black Dragon twice as much. I know he loved all dragons. I know he cried for days after the grand Dragon died. I know he could have not only kill Kauji, but you and Segundu as well but he chose not to. But above all I know that Jugo was a master at thinking 10, no fifteen steps ahead of the opposition. Just when you thought you have figure out his strategy, bam he uses that knowledge you gained against you.”

“So do you think that this note is fake and that this is a trap???”

“Lady Shevia, whether I believe in this note, or how I felt about Jugo. My heart is intertwined with yours, so if you believe in Jugo, if you believe in that note, so do I. Because me and you are one, I am you, and you are me. Lady Shevia I will follow you to the ends of our world, or in this case any world.”

The Saisho no hikari took its rightful place in the sky. Shevia stood up and took a deep breathe.

“Well then, we should be going.”

“Of course my lady.” Anartie lowered his head to Shevia, who took out the bottle that the shadow reader gave her. She took a couple of sips first before giving some to Anartie. Anartie smacked his lips a couple of times. They sat there for a moment of time before he spoke.

“Hmm…. I wonder if we didn’t drink enough or-”

Right then they floated and began to move at extreme speed.

“WHHAATTT’S H-HAPPENING?!” Anartie Manage to get out but he could not hear Shevia. “SHEVIA? SHEVIA?!” He continuously yelled. His body came to a complete stop as he floated in a white void of space. “Shevia!” He yelled once more.

“Anartie!” Shevia screamed back. He looked down and seen Shevia. He began to make his way to her.

“Are you ok my lady?”

“Yes Anartie I am fine, what about you?”

“I am ok my lady.”

“Okay that’s good.” Shevia smiled. She rubbed Anartie’s nose for a bit before looking around.

“Anartie do you know where we are?” She asked.

“No, this is my first time seeing something like this.” They looked around and seen matter just floating here in this space as well.

They floated about looking for something, anything when….

“Hey Anartie look.” Shevia said as she pointed to a swirling ball of purple light.

They got closer and as they did the body began to glow purple. Shevia got even closer when Anartie shouted out.

“What?” Shevia asked.

“We don’t know what that thing is my lady. It could be dangerous.

“Yeah but we been floating here for who knows how long. This can be a way out.”

Anartie growledangrily as he got closer with Shevia.

“If this is your wish, at least let me go first my lady just in case it is dangerous.” Shevia nodded in compliance with what Anartie was saying.

Anartie went through first. The portal pulled him through so roughly as he roared in pain.

“Anartie! Shevia screamed. She waited to hear his voice but she heard nothing. That’s when she took a big gulp and jumped right on. She floated through the portal violently until she fell out the sky into what was a body of water. She swam back to the top. She was gasping for air, looking around for her dragon when she seen big floating thing on the water. “What is that?” She though. She pulled her body on top of the water and stood tall on top of the water.

“What the??” One man said as he seen Shevia standing on the water. He then began to ring the bell. That’s when all the other big floating things on the water began to go in the opposite direction of Shevia.

“Wait!” Shevia called out but the floating things just kept going. She began to run on the water towards the floating things when she seen a streak of light shoot across the sky.

“Lighting in the sky? But how she thought as she looked puzzled at the clouds in the air. That’s when a giant wave came and was about to swallow her whole. She took her hand made the wave split in half.

“So you have the ability to control water to?” A voice from behind Shevia asked. She turned to a blonde hair one eye boy. He looked as though he had gills and his hands and feet where webbed. He carried a silver pitch fork.

“Who are you?” Shevia asked.

“Who I am isn’t something you should concern yourself with.” The boy chuckled. He was behind Shevia before her mind could process he had move. “However you only have about a minute and a half to tell me who you are before you die.” Shevia turned and seen the boy who began to take his pitch fork off his Shoulder. Shevia quick reflexes allowed her to get out of his range pretty quickly. She summon water to attack him, but the boy just closed his eye and then opened it at the last second. The water went every which way except toward him.

“He deflected my attack without moving a muscle? But How? That, that’s gotta be impossible.” Shevia thought to herself. Her eyes widen once more as she quickly moved out the way of something dropping at a tremendous rate. It hit the water.

“Splash!” The water sang as the object plummeted into its deep vastness.

Shevia just looked with confusion as the wave that came from that object hitting water was very large.

“Ugh! Athena! Why are you here? I don’t need your help.” The one eye boy fussed. After few seconds he rolled his eye. “You know you cannot swim and yet what do you do… you dive into the water head first, I swear, you and Hercules get on my nerves. Never thinking of the consequences of yawl action.” He then snapped his fingers and water shot up. On top of the water was a woman. She had brunette hair and it was really long. She was roughly 5’5 and look like she only weighed 100 pounds wet.

“She created that wave? But how?” Shevia thought.

“Triton you son of a bitch you was supposed to have kept her distracted so I could get a clean kill. You warned her I was going to attack didn’t you?!”

“What? Athena how could I warn her if I didn’t know you was here. Maybe she heard you fat ass falling through the air.

“You take that back you fish face bastard.”

“Fish face? Oh no the hell you didn’t. I should have let you drown.”

“Oh, like I was worried. My dad would have killed you.”

“Yeah and my father would have killed yo dad so I still win.”

“Until you realize yo dad can’t kill the god of gods.”

“Oh see there you go again. You do know my father definitely could have been the god of gods, but he didn’t want to.”

“Blah, blah, blah. All you do is give your father excuses cause he a washed up god period.”

(Triton and Athena continuously fuss)

“They look distracted now is my chance.” Shevia thought as she pulled out her blade.

“The two stop bickering at once. “Ooo, she has a sword, which means she’s a warrior type like me. She’s mines Triton stay out of this fight.”

“Wait what? You do know I have a weapon too.”

“All I heard was blah, blah, blah. Triton make yourself useful and make me some water stairs so I can get to her.”

“Whatever.” Triton huffed and puffed as he snapped his fingers. Athena began down the water stairs towards Shevia.

Shevia quickly took the closed end of her sheath and touched her handle on her blade. “Now grant me the wisdom: Kashikoi 1.” Her blade had become her magical staff and she quickly summoned a wall of water that sent Athena flying in the air.

Shevia then shot from the wall of water and charged at Triton. Triton looked panic as he watched Shevia come at him.

“Holy shit she’s fast!” He thought.

Triton quickly raised his guard.

“You think you all that cause you can control water?! I am Triton prince of the sea and son of the god known as Poseidon. When it comes to aqua skills I will not be out done by creature of lesser stature then me.” Triton then began to raise water walls from out the sea rapidly trying to hit Shevia. But Shevia dodge each attack. She dodged the attacks with ease and grace that Triton became very angry.

“YOU THINK YOU ARE SO GOOD?! JUST DIE!” He yelled as he summoned a giant wave. It crashed hard onto the sea. He just smiled as he waited for any sign of life.

“Of course there wouldn’t be any sign of her surviving that. If there was she would be a god, and that is what she not.”

Triton spins and turns and was about to leave but then…

“Wind, gale force palm!” Shevia said as she open palm hit Triton dead in his chest. He floated in the air for what felt like an eternity to him. Blood fluttered from his mouth as he could not speak scream, or make a sound all he could do is think.

“My heart, it fills like it is about to explode this pain, how could a creature who is not of godly blood, a creature who is not of the same status as me do so much damage to me?”

His body skipped across the water violently until he smacked into the cliff side. The light left his eyes his eyes rolled behind his head. He fell into the water and began to drift towards the bottom.

Shevia thought about going to save but stopped.

“Your power level is very chilling.” Shevia said. Her back was turned to a shadowy being behind her.

“I can say the same about you. You just took down both Athena and Triton. Two of the most powerful demi-gods in this realm. So that brings me to ask you, are you a demi-god?” The Shadowy figure asked.

Shevia turned and looked at the shadowy figure that was behind her. The Shadowy figure was a women. She had pale pure white skin. She had long black curly hair and her eyes where yellow. Beside her where two wolf looking things.

“She’s standing on the water; does that mean she's the same as the one eye guy I just fought? If so, lighting or wind is my best choice. Feeling her power level I should defiantly use Felis silvestris, but… I never used that technique without Anartie being close to me. His mind helps keep my power in check. (Yes Jugo knocked out Anartie when they fought but even though Anartie was knocked out physically he still was consciously and that is how Shevia was able to use Felis silvestris.) So I will just stay with gale palm and gale force palm, along with pile driver shot.” Shevia said as she looked at the pale woman who was smiling.

The pale woman took one finger and moved in gesturing Shevia to come at her.

Shevia took off full speed at the pale woman.

“Oh my, she’s fast the pale woman thought as she watched Shevia jump in the air. Shevia then with all her might swung at the woman. It looked like she made direct contact with the woman’s chin but…

“What the, I missed?” Shevia thought as she began to fall out the air. The pale woman then went to kick Shevia, but Shevia quickly blocked the attack.

“Hmm? Her reaction time is beyond any ordinary being in this world. Hell she is even faster than most demi-gods…that means I won’t have to hold back my killer instinct.” The pale woman thought as her power began to rage.

“Damn.” Shevia thought. “Her power level just shot through the roof. At this rate,” Shevia just kept dodging as the pale woman’s attack kept getting faster and stronger and even more dangerous. As the pale woman attacked she came with more and more intent to kill. She managed to pierce through both Shevia’s arms as Shevia tried to block her attack. Shevia went back sliding across the water as blood dripped from her arms.

“Obviously regular attacks won do it against her. I can believe missing the mark some of the times, but I there’s no way I missed every time. No she’s using some sort of magic to stop me or to dodge my attacks or something. Either way I am going to have to use magic to beat her.” Shevia thought

The pale woman was licking the blood off her hand as it dripped into her mouth.

“You taste so wonderful. Your blood. I will like more.” The pale woman laughed insanely.

Shevia grunted. “Okay, bitch, I will give you another taste. But just know to drink a blood as pure as mines comes at a high price.” Shevia smiled.

“By all means show me the worth.” The pale woman smiled back.

Shevia took off at high speed once more.

“Another frontal attack?” The pale woman thought as she prepared herself for the attack. But Shevia just ran past her.

“What she ran past me but why?” The pale woman thought. A few moments afterwards though her body became frozen. “I can’t move.” she thought. As Shevia hand quickly touch every part of the woman’s body.


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Sun Aug 27, 2017 10:45 pm
Kale wrote a review...



Hello hello, and Happy Review Day! On behalf of the Knights of the Green Room, and as a representative of the Will Review for Food forum, I am here to rescue your work from the back of the Green Room with a (hopefully healthy) dose of #TNT .

With that said, I think it worth noting that I haven't read the previous parts, so if I bring up something that was already addressed in those, feel free to disregard me. ;P

First impressions first, this segment is looooooong. Now, I personally don't mind reading long things, but a lot of people tend to get intimidated when their scroll bar goes itty and bitty, so you might want to consider breaking your stories up into smaller parts. 2-3k per segment is a typical maximum recommended length I've seen floating around, though some people recommend 1-2k.

Another thing to consider is that breaking your story up into smaller segments makes them a bit easier to review because the scrolling down to the text box to comment on something and back up to snag quotes/examples is a lot shorter.

With that all said, I'm left wondering if you proofread this before you posted this because there's a lot of basic errors in this, including in the very first sentence. The first line in particular confused me a lot because there is a huge world of difference between "You let her go" and "You, let her go". One of them is a statement of something someone else did. The other is a command to let "her" go.

After reading a little farther along, it eventually became clear that you intended the latter, but it was a very confusing several paragraphs before that became evident, and it's something I'd strongly recommend you look into because there are other areas within this part that suffer from the same sort of grammatical snafu. Mainly because confused readers tend not to stick around much longer past the point of confusion.

Something else you might also want to look into doing is slowing down the pacing a bit more with some more description of the characters, their actions, and their placement in their surroundings. Going back to the start of this part, I have no idea where the characters are in relation to each other, and considering one of them is being held hostage, how close or far the characters are relative to one another is a pretty important detail in establishing whether or not it's even possible for the other characters to rescue the hostage or not.

Lastly, the dialogue itself felt quite stiff, reading more like exposition than as something the characters would say. The Shadow Reader (whose name/title is inconsistently capitalized, by the way) and the pale woman suffer the stiffness of dialogue the most, and I honestly get the feeling you're drawing primary inspiration from anime and manga, which tends to be an issue because both are very visual media that don't translate so well directly into text.

While there's nothing wrong with drawing inspiration from them, I would recommend reconsidering your approach to writing this story and perhaps look up visual novels as a bridge between manga and more traditional written storytelling.




Holiday30 says...


Thank you....as guess, i draw a lot of inspiration from mama's and anime, so I kind of writ what are in my head. I really do try to make it so u guys can also see what I see but I guess I do a horrible job of that, this is a rough draft though, so I already knew about the grammatical errors...thanks again for the review



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Sun Aug 27, 2017 10:17 pm
Moalex wrote a review...



Hi, Holiday! Looks like it's my turn to review your work this time. So I see that this story is in three parts? So I decided to take the time to go back to the first one for a quick skim because review day is almost over. In any case, let's get started, shall we.

So first off, I believe the first thing you should work on is grammar and tenses. You're kind of all over the place. You're missing commas, some misplaced words, and your tense needs to be thinned to past or present as much as possible. I understand that you can't have past or present at all times, but try to keep the changes to a minimum. If there's a way for you to write your story in one way, it'll sound a lot smoother.

In regards to my personal opinion on your short story. (I'm not sure if you made changes in your first part or not.) I feel like you could slow the pace down. Your story starts off almost immediately as many short stories should, but right off the bat, we do not have too much detail as to the surroundings of the setting. Try to give us an image as to what we should be imagining so and use that as your foundation. Other than that, I really believe that your story will be amazing if you work on fleshing out details and descriptions.

I hope this helps! Moalex signing out.




Holiday30 says...


Thank you



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Sun Aug 27, 2017 10:07 pm
Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

First things first: dialogue punctuation. You have a lot of errors here regarding it, namely in your capitalization. Whenever something is a "said tag"— ie- it indicates how the dialogue was said— then the dialogue should be formatted like this:

“You let her go damn it,” Anartie snarled as his nose flustered up.

“Where have you met this creature?” the shadow reader asked.

“I have never met him.”

“Lies!” the shadow Reader proclaim as he moved his hand across open air. An energy sword appeared as he grabbed it.


And so forth. I would also point out that you have a huge inconsistency in how you capitalize the title, making it difficult to tell what's correct or not— is it supposed to be a proper title? If so, Shadow Reader should always be capitalized, instead of the mix of lower and upper case you have now.

You also lack any italics for the thoughts, making it hard to differentiate them from dialogue. By using "thought" so much to mark when something is a thought, you end up drawing attention to the fact it is a thought and don't allow it to sit as naturally as it could in the paragraph. Try adding italics and dropping some of the "thought tags" to see how the story reads.

Beyond that, dialogue always starts the paragraph, forcing you to rely on said tags to describe how the words were said instead of adding in body language to indicate that. So instead of what you have now, the dialogue could be formatted like so:

Shevia pointed to a swirling ball of purple light. “Hey Anartie look.”

-

“You think you all that cause you can control water?! I am Triton prince of the sea and son of the god known as Poseidon. When it comes to aqua skills I will not be out done by creature of lesser stature then me.” Triton then began to raise water walls from out the sea rapidly trying to hit Shevia. But Shevia dodge each attack. She dodged the attacks with ease and grace that Triton became very angry. He summoned a giant wave. “YOU THINK YOU ARE SO GOOD?! JUST DIE!” It crashed hard onto the sea. He just smiled as he waited for any sign of life.


And so forth.

Body language is a hugely important indicator for how words are said. By placing it before the dialogue in question, and still in the same paragraph, you end up generating a stronger image of the person while still indicating who said what. I call this an "action tag" because it uses action to indicate who's speaking. It's, generally, a much stronger tag to use.

All in all, cool idea that needs some proofreading and formatting tweaks. Once you have those down, you'll have a much stronger story!

Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~ Rosey




Holiday30 says...


Thank you for the review and tip....i didn't know how to distinguish a thought from speech without saying that's what they where doing. I will now start using italics when writing out a characters thought




Spend your days thinking about things that are good and true and beautiful and noble, and you will become good and true and beautiful and noble.
— Matthew Kelly