Sugarcane is in command
for years she's ruled our promised land
she struts through fields that we should own
her Sweetness on her bitter throne
:
Maple close behind you see
he rules the ice with apathy
No warmth beneath his amber glaze
Just frozen pride and silent praise
:
Honey’s armies scour the land
not by force, but by demand
Their golden hush, a silent creed
they conquer hearts that never bleed
:
Molasses, the aging relic slow
near forgotten in humanity’s woe
She clings to pots in dusty halls
overshadowed sweet that rarely calls
:
And yet, who else in this fine kingdom
left behind by natural wisdom
chemical-created wavers
like myself and artifical saviors
:
Aspartame, she shall reign
Shall steal the throne of Sugarcane
No roots to ground, no sun to feed
Yet still she thrives on human need
:
Sucralose in sleepless night
Saccharin under plastic light
Ace-K lurks in processed schemes
Cyclamate in chemical dreams
Neotame echoes sterile calls
Xylitol waits in frosted halls
Erythritol mimics life and death
watching their rulers with bated breath
:
A sweet ambition underneath
"what a humble child Aspartame!"
She wakes and walks to fire's land
with acidic will and trembling band
:
toward Capsaicin’s blistered hall
where bitter seeds and spice enthrall
a new order for us all.
the natural's will shall eternally fall.
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139,045 Literary Works • 672,398 Reviews
the reader is introduced to "myself" which makes it curious as to who the narrator is and the personal connection they have to the rest of the poem. Are they an observer, or also part of the audience?Hello again Hildegard! Back to review another work of yours! This review may be shorter, as I have less to say. Nevertheless, I hope it is still beneficial for you.
Wow! I love your use of language and metaphors with the different types of sweeteners in this poem. I love how each stanza starts with a sweetener and each verse pairs well with the metaphor of that specific substance, yet the entire poem comes together to tell a cohesive and well-written poem that stands out with its creativity. Each substances almost stands as a character of their own in this poem, which really makes it an enjoyable read. Even though there is a mix of natural and synthetic sweeteners written about, both are used in unique ways that shape the tone of the overall poem.
One suggestion I have is clarifying the narrator of the poem. In most of the poem, the narrator is writing "she" and "he" which gives the hints of a third person omniscient speaker, yet in this line
I also would suggest reading the poem aloud and edit any awkward phrases that may disrupt the natural flow of the poem. I do not see that being a common issue in this poem, but it's a good rule of thumb to follow. Lastly, I would suggest adding some capitalization in the last stanza and making sure that the grammar choices throughout the poem work well with the content of the poem and are done intentionally.
Thank you for writing this and posting this! I loved the war and conquering tone you set in this poem and how you use sweeteners to express a change in what humans consume. It's well balanced and really keeps the reader on their toes as they read, resulting in an ending that represents the end of a battle. I look forward to reading more work from you. Keep writing and God bless.
thank you~
Hi HildegardHope~
This is a great poem! Firstly, the rhyming is impressive, because for me it is always hard to rhyme consistently, but you did it! You also kept the story, which is great too. It is very creative and nuanced to starting each stanza with a different sweetener. i could also see this as a song, if that was what you were envisioning as well. It is very unique and creative!!
AmberMelanie
thanks <3
Hi! It's CATS here to leave a short review passing by! This looks so interesting, and since I'm craving sweets, this might be perfect. I can see myself trying to eat the poem...
Let's dive in!
First, I like how you started every stanza with a different sweetener. Maybe you can make the title a bit more unique, like Craving Sweeteners or something like that. Experiment with different ones!
I feel like stanza seven might be a bit too long. You can split it into two stanzas, then all the stanzas will be about the same size.
I love the description of honey, it might be my favorite, and I can practically taste it. Ah...the golden taste...the sticky blend. I just love honey.
OVERALL I really enjoyed reading this and tasting all the different flavors you included. It is like preparing a dish of sweeteners lol.
I can't wait for more food!
Happy Reading, Happy Writing, Happy RevMo, and Happy Poetry!
Love,
CATS
thanks <3
No prob! Loved it