z
  • Home

Young Writers Society



water dams and watering cans

by Hijinks


i don't think you know how i love you.

not because i never say as much (i do;

it's all i can do not to say it over and over,

a cherry stem i am tying with my tongue)

but only because, when you toss the words

back (aw, love you too), i can see

it takes you less thought to knot the stem;

i never quite believe our intentions

are exactly symmetrical, even as you mirror

them so nicely. because really, i say the words

but only in the way a dam says water - 

so deafening that the details are always out of earshot

and if it does its job well, you will never see the cascade 

it holds back. i love you, and you know in theory (i think),

but when you tell me you love me too, i believe

it is only a self-contained watering can.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
27 Reviews

Points: 122
Reviews: 27

Donate
Mon Dec 19, 2022 6:39 am
NothingMore905 wrote a review...



The meaning behind this is quite beautiful in its own way, she can't say it over and over because she fears it will cause a mishap, she ties her tongue with a cherry stem in hopes he knows she loves him as much as she does and in hopes that it will last a lifetime, she can never truly say it because the more she says it, the less meaning it has and she fears it could cause distrust between the two.




User avatar
185 Reviews

Points: 12987
Reviews: 185

Donate
Sun Dec 18, 2022 1:03 am
View Likes
FireEyes wrote a review...



Heya Seirre! Incoming review!

Dang, this hit deep. I've been having thoughts like this, of course not in a relationship, but you convey it in a way that I feel like I've experienced it too. Your profuse love that is barely contained in words, contrasted with quick mirrors from your partner. Heartbreaking </3. let me get on with the review.

I'll start with critique.

it's all i can do not to say it over and over,
The wording here is a bit confusing. If it were me I would have worded it more like, "it's all i can do to not say it over and over...". It could partially be the words "do & not" right next to each other that lead me to believe you meant to put a contraction there. It is a beautiful line either way, just a little jumbled.

but only in the way a dam says water -
I don't know why, but it doesn't sound... right, for a lack of better words. Maybe because the use of personification isn't what comes to mind first. I would think to use the word "contains" before "says" because dams don't figuratively talk to the water they contain either. It would fit more with the overflow of words you have for a person, keeping them contained so you don't scare them off. That's my opinion.

But that's it for critique, time to praise your work! Your words are so poignant and and tactful in this one. It describes how much I can care for a person, and my difficulty to express my deep appreciation, and the second guesses when they respond with "I love you too" in less time than it took for me to say it.

I appreciate how you didn't make the poem too long. I have trouble with this in my own writing; having too much to say but wanting to pack a punch with each line. All of your lines have purpose and it shows.

a cherry stem i am tying with my tongue

it takes you less thought to knot the stem
THIS!!! The metaphor is *Chef's kiss* I love it so much. My tongue is tied when I try to express my affection to anyone and their mirroring (as you said in the poem yourself), it's hard to understand their true intentions. It's like saying "I'm good" every time someone asks "How are you?"

But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful. Seirre poetry is some of my favourites, I can't wait to read more. Anyway byeeeeeee <3




User avatar
221 Reviews

Points: 155
Reviews: 221

Donate
Sat Dec 17, 2022 11:21 pm
View Likes
dissonance wrote a review...



BEETLE hello hello

i am here for that review i promised maybe, possibly

i don't think you know how i love you.


ouch. too relatable!

i really do love this line; i think it's my favourite out of the whole poem. it's not loaded with imagery, it's not overly descriptive, and it's not trying to be so metaphorical that it hurts. it's just simple. emotion is the most powerful thing poetry can use because it appeals to everyone, whether they will admit it or not. this line says a lot.

it's all i can do not to say it over and over,

a cherry stem i am tying with my tongue


i love this image, and i love what it evokes in my head. the whole cherry tying metaphor is a unique one. i don't think it's the most solid one you have in this poem though. it's at that odd point where you can take it or leave it; nothing about it changes the poem. there are so many different ways to describe "a loss for words" and the like, but i don't think this one benefits the poem. it just makes everything feel crowded. crowded in a not good way.

i love love love the idea behind it though; i'd just find another place to use it? water imagery doesn't tend to pair well with anything but water imagery.

because really, i say the words

but only in the way a dam says water -


okay i'll admit, this took me a while to understand. i absolutely love it though. it's not the easiest to follow along with, but i don't think that's a bad thing. something i've realized is that you take a lot of complex imagery, but you word it very simply. it creates an interesting effect because the whole meaning changes in a way.

and if it does its job well, you will never see the cascade

it holds back.


i assume this is about tears, which i don't have any problems with. crying is totally poetic, and it's also water imagery! i do have to mention "if it does its job well" though; i don't think that makes sense if i am being totally honest. i see the reason behind it though, but it either does its job or it doesn't. once it breaks, it isn't doing its job anymore. that's the purpose of a dam.

but when you tell me you love me too, i believe

it is only a self-contained watering can.


another ouch. love is so complicated for no reason eww.

this has to be one of the best ending lines you've written though. again, it's one of those very complex metaphors that is taken very literally and simply. that really describes the state of mind that the narrator is going through. i'm really put into someone else's because everything feels so real, so personal. that's amazing.

this is really good. like really really good. you should write more.

best,
airfryer




User avatar
221 Reviews

Points: 155
Reviews: 221

Donate
Fri Dec 02, 2022 10:24 pm
View Likes
dissonance says...



i keep coming back to this poem; it is absolutely beautiful.




Hijinks says...


<3 <3



User avatar
1231 Reviews

Points: 144350
Reviews: 1231

Donate
Sat Nov 26, 2022 2:11 am
View Likes
alliyah says...



This is so good, Seirre! - you get a very specific feeling's description just perfectly and the whole piece is so heart-achey and true. You've got a great build to the poem where it gets more specific as we read on and see exactly what's going on between the narrator and subject. Perfect metaphors and the parenthetical asides and punctuation make everything come together very cleanly. Wonderful poetry as always!




Hijinks says...


Thank you so much, alliyah!! <3



User avatar
176 Reviews

Points: 3305
Reviews: 176

Donate
Fri Nov 25, 2022 9:04 am
View Likes
soundofmind says...



lovely. love this




Hijinks says...


<3 thank you




Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.
— Ellen Degeneres