they all tell me
to
get back up.
but to myself i think
how can i?
after all
i've been
trodden on
by
anger's hooves
drowned
by
sorrow's tear
crushed
by
pride's fist
even joy usually so kind
has deserted me
deafening me with her laughter.
and they expect a corpse
to rise from the dead?
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hmm good one. to live anyway..no matter how sad or hard or painful or irritating this life..is not it?
rise from dead....if we take all pains as humor and our tears is the rain than, one day, yes one day a lovely daisy will bloom and smile at the shiny sun and will kiss your path...be positive dude...good luck
Thanks so much!
Hi there!
I want to start by saying that I like the last stanza a lot. The start talks about getting back up when you fall, which is typical advice you get about, well, any setback, really. But the last stanza
It's so much more concrete, literal, powerful. It's sort of a "well, that escalated quickly" kind of thing but without the humor. It really drives home the point that the narrator has not just fallen but fallen so badly that there is no recovery.
I'm confused by this line, however.
I think it's the even. Because if the narrator is being pummeled by all these negative emotions, I kind of feel like "Well, of course joy has deserted them." But the word "even" seems to suggest that I should be surprised by this. You could probably just cut the "even" and leave the rest of the line intact.
Thanks for the review!
Hey hey, Ardently! here for a quick review between exams!!!
Ooooh I'm a fan of this! It's a concept that gets used a lot in poems, but you did a good job of putting a fresh twist on it.
I like the format here, I think it works really nicely. One little quibble, two of your stanzas go verb by noun, but then the other goes "i've been trodden on" which doesn't really fit. I feel like if you made it just "trodden" on that line and put the "I've been" in a different stanza, maybe with a little added on, I'm not sure what though, it would flow a bit better. Rule of three and all that.
But that's really my one complaint here, like I said you showed the theme of despair really well. Like, you had some really nice imagery and metaphors in here that made this, maybe not 'enjoyable' to read considering the subject matter, but made it quite interesting to read.
~ Ardently! <3 ~
Thanks for the input! I'm glad you like it