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Vertigo

by Haraya


It’s as if the world played a trick
and left me still as it spun
in a blinding pace—

all else comes and goes
while my most careful step
leads to a stumble

I can't but lie and gaze
as everything turns and turns
for everyone else—

hoping that soon
the world waits for me
and I can finally move forward.


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7 Reviews


Points: 178
Reviews: 7

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Mon Jul 26, 2021 4:17 pm
Katem_277 wrote a review...



Hi there! Thought I would stop by for a quick review. I really hope this helps :)

Overall the poem is very well done and I was immediately drawn in by the title. Vertigo is such a relatable concept and I think you have illustrated it perfectly in the first stanza. Through expressive phrases like "blinding pace" you have painted such a clear image of this strange and often wordless feeling.

However the rest of the stanzas seem to lack such language and are in some places repetitive, like the use of the word 'turn' multiple times.

Be sure to carry the same energy from start to finish.

In all I really enjoyed your poem :)

You have an excellently creative mind, keep up the good work!




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417 Reviews


Points: 23255
Reviews: 417

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Mon Jul 26, 2021 12:28 pm
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here for a minute review! Hope it helps.

It’s as if the world played a trick
and left me still as it spun
in a blinding pace—

Vertigo. First of all, I loved the concept.
You did a great job at representing the concept of looking from a great height. It really feels like that, I have experienced it. It feels like I will fall in no time and yes, the pace is truly blinding, seems faster than light...
Yes, I guess it will be at a blinding pace.

all else comes and goes
while my most careful step
leads to a stumble

The phrase 'all else' doesn't really fit here, I think. Maybe, write it as 'everything else' and if you do so, the line will be 'everything else comes and goes
Also, maybe put a 'me' before to a stumble
You really captured the feeling, I think. The feeling of losing balance. One can feel your fears and all.

I can't but lie and gaze
as everything turns and turns
for everyone else—

The first two lines are great but the third line is a bit confusing. I need clarification on that. And also, I would like to know what 'vertigo' you are actually talking about. I mean, there are three meanings of Vertigo... So, I would like to know the one you used here. But after reading this para and the last para, I think you meant giddiness here. Isn't it?

hoping that soon
the world waits for me
and I can finally move forward.

A good ending but still it doesn't have any connection with the last line of the third stanza or maybe I am not understanding. Who knows...

Overall, a great poem.
Keep writing!
~Forever




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29 Reviews


Points: 611
Reviews: 29

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Mon Jul 26, 2021 12:29 am
Stringbean wrote a review...



Hey, Haraya. The title of this caught my eye, so dropping by for a review!

Overall, I really like the concept you have here. I think it's something a lot of people will be able to relate to. The first stanza is engaging, although the rest of the poem feels a little lacking in the energy that stanza sets up. I like the way you offset the stanzas in alternation--it plays on the feel of centrifugal force and makes me very happy XD! I think my main suggestion for overall improvement would be more showing and less telling of the feeling/idea your communicating; I'll point out a few specifics and you can do with them as you will ^-^

1.

It’s as if the world played a trick
and left me still as it spun


This drew me in right away, which is great for an opening! I think the title suggests the idea of feeling like you yourself are spinning, but these lines played it a little differently and that made it more poignant.

(This is a bit nitpicky, but in the third line would it be better to say "at a blinding pace"?)

2.
I mentioned that I think more showing rather than telling would help bring your poem a little more alive. The second stanza could be an example--suppose you described a helpless stumble instead of telling the reader that some non-immediate, intangible stumbles happen? It could possibly help the reader feel and connect to the sense of being out of control that the picture carries.

3.
left me still as it spun
in a blinding pace—

as everything turns and turns


I also mentioned an energy that felt missing from most of the poem. The first line has that effective image and sets the tone, but I'm not sure the rest quite rises to meet it. Part of this I think is because of showing and telling, but another part is the language. I think if you could strengthen some of the verbs especially, it'd go a long way. For example, in the second quote here (from the third stanza), the repetition of the verb turn felt weak, especially after more expressive language like spun and blinding pace.

If you really want to get into the energy of the poem, you could even consider the sound of the words you're using (think about the different feel between turn or spin or reel even though they more or less mean the same thing).

4.
I really like the way your last stanza draws the idea together, like leading us through the poem and this is the culmination. I think some more solid imagery (i.e. more showing instead of telling) could make it even stronger, but the idea is definitely there.


Again, I really like what you've got going! If you happen to do a revision, feel free to tag me, I'd love to see it ^-^

-Stringbean





First you broke my moustache, now you break my heart.
— MaybeAndrew