Fine grains
rest on my palm
sift through my fingers. They
slip away like shadows. I notice
my breath
reaches for the cloud;
the smoke, like a ghost,
fades with no farewell.
The dust has drifted, but
grains
still sprinkle
from the grooves of my hand.
Beneath the crust
of my fragile body,
I too
am sand.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello Haraya! I'm here for a review, courtesy of review day (and Team Tortoise)!
I love how simple and concise this poem is! The language and imagery you use is really crisp and tidy and the poem just feels really well laid out. You use a nice variety of descriptions, but everything feels connected and the stanzas flow together really well.
I only have a couple very small wording suggestions.
Technically, you need an "and" after "palm", though that isn't a huge deal.
This one is completely just a personal opinion, but I think "reaching" would flow better than "reaches".
Also, I think this poem might work really nicely with no capitalization. As it is you're only using sentence case, and I think removing all capitalization would complement the simplicity of the poem. However that's a stylistic choice, and totally up to you as the poet.
Overall, I really love this poem! It's short and sweet and you fit so much great imagery into four short stanzas. I hope this review is helpful; if you've got any questions, just ask!
Keep writing!!
whatchamacallit
Beautiful imagery!
Wow. This was lovely. Your imagery is impeccable. I could clearly picture all of this in my mind, so, well done! It's quite impactful, especially for a shorter poem. I love your ending as well, with the "I too am sand." It's overall a nice effect. Very poetic.
I have only a couple critiques, I guess. I think you could improve upon your flow, especially in the first stanza, and even within that the first few lines. You sort of... put in unnatural pauses when you break your lines in that way, which makes reading the poem a little stunted and awkward. If you have a reason for doing this, let me know, so if it was intentional I'm sorry. The flow on your other stanzas was very well done, though.
Overall: great job! I enjoyed this poem and hope to read more from you.
Hey, Little's here for a review!
I'll begin with criticism. Please note that I mean no offense and I just want to help!
Too many images here! There's the smoke, then ghost, then dust. But in one way it's also quite nice, so don't get me wrong; I understand what you're trying to say. It just feels a little overdone.
Also, you've started a sentence in one stanza and continued in the next; this makes it feel broken. It's done between lines, but I've never seen this before.
That's it!
I really like the opening line and the ending line. Both are well-written and both conjure the image of breaking sand.
Well done! I hope to see more of your work!
Good poem, I liked it!