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Hello, hello! The title is something rather simple but it's why I decided to review!
Most of issues I saw seem to of been covered by those that review before me, so I shall just cover what I liked about the poem!
The second and third lines are very nice to read, I like the words you used. It just seems intricate, in a way and that's nice! I really like the third line, varnished in a glossy glaze. It's just really nice to read.
I find the comparison, I suppose, intriguing. Apples and poems. Why apples? Such an interesting choice!
Otherwise, not bad!
- Cow
Thank you for the review!
Her Haraya, it's Jade here to review your poem!
I quite like the imagery though the metaphors feel rather forced in spots, the end of the second stanza, the market one feels tacked on in a sense, but other than that it flows amazingly and is well worded. Your formatting is well done, very unique and pretty.
I don't have much to critique, this was a lovely read.
Jade
Thank you for the review!
This poem is quite lovely <3
I'm happy you liked it
.
Hi Haraya ! Traves here for a quick review.
is the only one I found. I think it works well, as it continues the pattern of increasingly heightened descriptions( although perhaps I cannot personally attest to the relatability of it.)I just saw an amazing blender animation of apples so I'm inclined to agree. The content reminds me of a discussion in a YWS poetry reviewing workshop over what is and isn't poetry, and it's definitely an interesting concept to think about. Stronger than your descriptions, is the way the thoughts have been smoothly strung together. Not presented on a platter, but not hidden in some corner.
I'm not so sure about the formatting. I guess it works for short poems like these, and I've done this spacing before, but for me if it adds not much value in reading or meaning. If it were longer though it might have been a tad bit annoying
Onwards to the review-format review—
1. similes and metaphors — there's the overarching "apples and poems" metaphor which I'll talk of later, but other than that
The objectification of a "poem" and the simultaneous rejection of it also played out well, because it buttresses the point that the narrative is making.
2. Narrative— The first stanza ascribes some properties of poetry to apples, through vivid imagery. This was more or less pretty good, though I wished for more comparisons.
There's a saying by Alfred Korzybski which I feel is relevant to the whole point — "The map is not the territory." Basically, an enumeration of the properties of a thing, or a definition of the thing is not the thing itself. That's an insight which is relevant because that is sort of what you're doing here. In the first stanza, you ascribe properties expected of a poem, to some juicy apples. This is the reason I wished for more comparisons. Some more intrinsic comparisons would drive home the point more strongly imo. If you could capture more strongly of what you feel a poem actually is, and make an apple have that, that would be so cool. (Admittedly a very difficult task)
In the next stanza, you negate some of the ascribing of the properties of an apple to a poem. As I mentioned earlier you did a good job, and I wished for some expected rebuttals here. Rebuttals for automatic arguments about how you might indeed keep a poem in your pocket and sell it in a market. Although this one I don't feel for as strongly.
3. Moral/meaning — Apples are poems but poems have perhaps more to them, or something not in apples, or more accurately in apples and not in them.
This was nice to read, and I enjoyed re-reading and thinking about it, turning it over in my head.
Keep writing and sharing!
Thanks for always going into detail with your reviews
! You give interesting points I should ponder when I revise this poem.
Hello Haraya! I'm here to review your poem!
I love, love, love how original this poem is. It's not a cliche comparison that's overused, it's quite refreshing, and it also makes sense! I really enjoyed how the first stanza makes the reader expect an entire comparison of apples and poetry, but the second stanza shatters that expectation. It's a clever way of keeping the reader on their toes, and keeping the poem engaging.
I also think that the formatting you chose corresponds nicely to the subject -- for me it brings to mind climbing down a ladder from an apple tree, and the final stanza is the conclusion when you reach the ground. I love how short and concise you keep the poem, while still managing to fill it with really nice imagery. My favourite line is
because it depicts such a lovely image in my mind.
I really only have some very minor critiques, but for the sake of a review I'll go through them as well.
I think it makes more sense here to say,
I also think that it might create more variety and interest if, instead of saying
you were to say
This would play off of the first stanza but give it a slightly different twist. But that's just an opinion and entirely up to you.
Lastly, I think it could be nice if you expanded on the final stanza.
Maybe give a short line that recaps why each statement is true - or you could even present the reader with one last final reason. It does have a nice crisp finish as it is, so I can totally see why you'd prefer to keep it as it is - just something to consider!
That's it for my review, I hope it is helpful! If you've got any questions feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
whatchamacallit
I see. It does sound like it should have been a little longer. Thank yoy so much for the review!
hello haraya it's legolas1122!
so did you take a picture of it ? well you know curios !:) quite funny though hehe .And well i felt nice and apples are like poems and poems aren't like apples !keep writing good job !
legolas1122.